Monday, June 29, 2009
Rigg no longer has to use the Billi Blanket. His level was down to a 10 as of Saturday morning. So he had his first night in his crib without a surreal glow about him. I think he slept better not having a glowing paddle attached to his torso. He is eating every 3 hours or so...I stretched him to 4 last night...by stretching, I mean I slept and I am still waking him up to eat. He has a Dr. apt on wed. and then we can see how his weight is...I think he is beefing up a tish bit...last wed he was 7.9...a whole pound lighter than when he was born. Here's to gaining weight...the babe, not me!
Little bits' umbilical cord came off Sunday morning. I did a happy dance in the middle of the living room and told him he was almost a real person! He just stared at me, I think he realizes already I am not normal...exhibit 1~the happy dance...
Rigg Got his first piece of mail last week. It was so precious! Our friend Jen is wonderful, Andy and I both loved it so much it is on our fridge...and will eventually go into a baby book...if I ever get around to one....another story altogether.
As for me, I am a glutton for punishment, I am still measuring myself just for fun....as if it is really any fun. I have lost a few inches around my middle...nowhere near where I want to be, but it is nice to see it going down. I am in serious "try to lose the weight in a healthy way while still getting you and the baby the nutrition you need" mode because my sister has moved up her wedding date. From December to. August.!!!! Wedding pictures people! I will have to truss myself up like a turkey to squeeze into a semi-flattering figure! Incidentally the picture below is of a very cute Rigg and a very unshowered Cari...
The captian was such a huge help this weekend. I got 2 naps during the day...long ones, he fed Rigg and helped out with dishes and all kids of other stuff. He is so wonderful. I think he bonded with Rigg this weekend too. It was great to see them "hang out" together.
My dog is feeling a bit neglected, he walked around the house for the first few days after we brought Rigg home with his ears down and his tail tucked. Now he just stares at you as if to say...remember me? No worries, he is still fed, loved and taken out...when I can remember. Luckily the captain is around or we would have one uncomfortable dog on our hands!
The captain starts his second round of chemo on Wed. he goes to the doc today to get a blood test to check the white cell count. I know he is not looking forward to it...a new baby, still having to find rides to and from work, and now more chemo...not to mention a post prego hormonal wife. The stuff he has to put up with! I am lucky he seems so normal! :)
Andy and I have been praying nightly for peace and calm regarding our son. Letting him rest in God's hands. I know many of you have been praying for us as well. I can tell. I am sleeping peacefully and have not wanted to get up and "just check" on him. I am still struggling with little things during the day. But as they come, I pray and ask God to calm me and take it away...I know this will be the case for who knows how long...but the captain and I are choosing to let God and let go. Thanks for all the prayers....now and in the future.
Friday, June 26, 2009
He is, I think, slowly gaining his weight back. I am shoving food down his throat unmercifully. Fat babes is what we like.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It started out fine for me. I was too busy running around the house getting myself and mister Riggster ready for the busy morning of blood tests and Dr.'s appointments. Really there was only one of each, but it seems like more for some reason. Before we left the house I didn't really see the captain much...running around like a mad woman the way I was...when I did finally run into him, literally in our small hallway, I looked up and could tell he had been crying.
Miss baby girl? I said
and then away we went anyway, because that is what you do...you keep doing the things that need to get done. Not move on, but press forward.
Blood test went fine...Rigg's levels are down a smidge. Then away to the Dr.'s office. As we were sitting in the waiting room I could tell Andy was trying to keep it together. He was vigorously flipping through his memory verses trying to keep his mind off the fact of where he was. You see, I didn't put it together until much later, but the Dr.'s office was the last place he saw Caden alive. He looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I can't do this." and went to wait in the car.
I went back to the room alone, well with Rigg, and waited for the doc. He looked Rigg over and said he looked good, he has gained some weight in 2 days and his billiruben level is going down...so all good news. He asked about Andy...I said he was in the car. Then the Dr. and I had a wonderful chat about how we were handling things. He is a Believer and understood a lot of what I was saying. This is nice, because a lot of people give you a glazed over look when you mention how good God is and how you never saw a counselor or never really visit the grave...they assume you "got religion" and chalk it up to "whatever works for you". But the doc understood...Andy will be in when he can. Just not today. As we talked, I cried again...this poor man having to deal with the crying lady...he didn't seem to be disturbed at all. It makes me relax knowing I can be me and not hold it all together...something I have learned a lot about this past year.
After the Dr appointment, we all rode home in silence, thinking of Caden and how our life has changed and how it is painful to live sometimes.
We got home to HOT. Our air was not working properly. Nothing makes the Captain more agitated than HOT. So we called to get it looked at. During the waiting I had a post-prego meltdown. In my defense, I do not have that many, but when I do they are doozies. Every room in my house was a mess. I couldn't get away from it. I was tired. My body was grossly stretched out of proportion. I hurt in places I normally forget exist. I was sweating in a tank top and capries in my "air conditioned" house. My baby has jaundice and I cannot pick him up and love on him if I want him to stay on that stupid blanket as much as possible...poor captain...all this hit at once. I was an exploding hysterical hormone. He handled me with grace and compassion, although I could see in his eyes he had no idea why I was this upset. I am usually quite level headed.
After a good cry and a few hugs from the captain, I was back to "normal". It was so kind of him to offer me compassion because he was having such a tough day...he is such a strong man and a gift to me.
Still waiting for the air man, the captain and I sat in the living room trying to stay cool and collected on this crazy day.
I got a call from my sister and I was rude to her..all the while knowing I am being rude and just doing it anyway...why do I do that? I was having a bad day, it was not her fault, she didn't even know...and I know I hurt her feelings. For what? I am so Sorry Sara. I was not mad at you or your decision.
Then my earring broke.
I once saw a TV show and a girl on it said a line that has stuck with me and I use it on days like yesterday.
"Isn't that just the pickle on the crap sandwich that is my day."
My earring was the pickle...I think, all things considered, I handled it well. I got up, went into the bedroom, put them with all of my other jewelry and got another pair. All the while silently screaming in my head that this day was TERRIBLE!
The air man got to our house at 10 pm. it was fixed by 10:30. It was cool by 4 when I was up feeding the Riggeroni.
I have been thinking what a chaotic mess yesterday was. So many things we were dealing with. each other, the loss of Caden, taking care of Rigg, my postpartum craziness, HOT, and daily to-do's. All very drastic and different and can take us off course.
I kept thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Was I trusting in God for everything? Not when I had my breakdown. It was a doubt fest and lack of leaning fully on Him. When we wander, in action or thought we are not acknowledging Him and His ways. We look to our own to try to solve our problems. If I keep my eyes and focus on Him and His ways...He will direct my path and make it straight. A straight path is so much easier...you can see where you are going...what is ahead. You know it will be OK. Crooked paths are stressful and induce fear.
I long for the straight path, especially when I am before an S curve in the crooked road I have chosen for myself. Focus on God and His way is a choice. Today, I shall choose to trust in the Lord for what He has chosen for Andy and I , I will lean on what I know to be true, God's word, and not my limited view and understanding of what He is doing in my life. He will straighten out my path...and even if there is a pickle...it will not phase me, for I will be able to see what is up ahead...His purpose, His way, His Love and Hope.
So here's to a pickle free day!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
It is a cruel trick of nature the way things are after you deliver a baby. Or at least after I deliver a baby. There are those women who take their pre-pregnancy jeans to the hospital and actually wear the home...I am not one of those women. You might have given that a good guess by the size of my middle before Rigg arrived. Now that he is here I am smaller, but not as small as I would love to be. To leave the hospital with new bundle of joy in hand and still look 6 months prego is just wrong...not to mention that my feet and ankles are the size of softballs and were not that swollen when I went in...gonna get worse before it gets better...
Ahh how I long to be one hot mama with cute baby attached to hip...this however is not my reality. I did see a chick in target with a super small infant and she was in heels and what appeared to be a size 2...after I picked her up and tossed her out of my way, I hitched up my post prego pants and heaved around her, pulled my shirt down, as it creeps up on its own and went about my merry way. All the while silently fuming that I was not delt the size 2 card.
But my hair and makeup looked nice...any port in the storm.
Rigg is a bit jaundice. His levels were OK bu in the high OK's as we left the hospital. They told me to watch his color and call the doc if he gets more yellow. Well Monday I gave him a good once over and decided I couldn't tell...but now I am a woman who errors on the side of caution...so I called the doc. We went in later that same afternoon and they ordered a billi blanket and a blood test to be taken today. SO last night we had him in the billi and took him back to the hospital today for the blood test. They will send the info to the doc and we will go back to his office tomorrow morning for a follow up and to see how much longer our new little man will be part of his own personal light show.
Did y'all know how rough nursing can be...I had not COMPLETELY forgotten, but man...it is work. It is frustrating...it is not working for me! I think some of it is his jaundice...it makes him extra groggy and hard to wake up. So he eats less...when he eats less his jaundice can get worse...VICIOUS CYCLE!!! So we are supplementing with a bit of formula as well as me pumping to make more milk. He seems to eat better from a bottle than me...this is a pattern I see forming with my kids....Caden was a terrible nurser. So if I have to pump and supplement I will...anything for the sake of the babe.
The captain and I are going back our previous pediatrician. We love him. You might remember from previous posts about Caden, but she went to the Dr. the morning she died. He was and continues to be completely dumbfounded. He came to the hospital the night she died to see us...he is a great man. It was not a hard decision to make. We want him to be Riggs Dr. As I was in his office yesterday ( my mom drove considering both the captain and I cannot) it was a bit difficult for me. The captain had gone to work ( he is home for the next few days though) so it was just me and mom. She offered to stay in the waiting room while I went back to see the Dr. I was silently very happy because I wanted to see him without her with me. As I was back in the room waiting for him to come in I stared to cry...maybe it was the post pregnancy hormones, maybe it was stress, maybe it was I was worried about Rigg, but if I am honest it was the fact that the last time I was in this office I was carrying my baby. Only it was an 8 mo. old baby girl and she was breathing and chatting and warm against my cheek. And now she is none of those things...and although as I sat there holding my baby...I also sat there missing my baby. I sat on the wooden bench and stared at a picture of a golf course and told myself over and over again to stop thinking about it, to stop crying. It did not work...I was a blubbering mess when he came in. He gave me the biggest hug. I stumbled over apologies...you see I know how a hysterical crying woman makes men feel. He begged me not to apologize and said he didn't know how I didn't cry 7 times a day...I said he was a wonderful man. We chatted about the captain, for he had heard that news as well, and then we talked about Caden. We then looked at Rigg and chatted about him. I cried a little more, all the while SO very thankful my mother was not there...she would cry and worry about me and I did not need that, for me or her. Although she told me later it was very odd to her to be sitting in the pediatricians office about her new grandson on the 9 month anniversary of her granddaughters death...she was trying not to worry...I think if she would have seen the puddle I was slowly becoming she would not have lasted too long either. The Dr. was so great, and informed me if I stress out or panic with this baby he will be by our side through it all...and if we freak out when Rigg gets a fever...he probably will a little too...I just LOVE him!
SO, we see the doc again tomorrow...and we will determine how long to keep the Big Rigg on the billi blanket. Then in no time flat we will be getting ready for the captain second round of chemo. And the world keeps turning and moving on...and my feet are still swollen. Ahh well, life is still good, If I have to sit around with my feet up, might as well hold my new little man while I am at it!
This was Rigg's going home outfit.
The captain on Father's day with his new son. One of our friends came to the hospital to visit...when he saw Rigg he said it looked like someone had put Andy in the dryer!
Incidentally, y'all should be so thankful for the spell check. Without it your reading would be hindered dramatically because, evidently I cannot spell or type to save my life.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Our hospital stay was great. Our L and D nurse was wonderful, as was my Doc...I know I have mentioned before...but I just love her! She made our first experiences well as our second so wonderful, God has blessed us with great dr's and we are so thankful. My nurse in postpartum went to high school with Andy...small world. She was amazing. On Sunday morning while all of my family was at church, she came in and sat with me for about 20 min and just chatted about "our story" as people continue to call it. It was a great chat and I am glad we had the opportunity.
We had visitors out the ears...which I LOVED. I am such a people person. (I am sorry to all those who had to hug an unshowered Cari...y'all just kept coming and I had no time...) There were also 2 other ladies from our church who delivered the day after me and the day after that...so we were all on the same floor together...It was fun...and weird!
Thanks for all the prayer you have been lifting up for my family and me...I know this weekend was so wonderful because of you and how wonderful our God is! The captain had a wonderful father's day...
God is good.
And now..more pics for your viewing pleasure...remember to pause the music at the bottom so you can hear the video.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
So I had a background to start the blog...I changed it when Caden died and then again when the captain decided to scare us all to bits with a brain tumor...now...my son is on the way and I feel a nice change for him is in order. (that and it is raining out, my house is still clean, I am ready for the hospital, and I have nothing better to do with my time then search for blog backgrounds...)
SO, I know it is girly....or more so than the last...but hey, I write the blasted thing, I should have the most say! Flowers and polka dots it is! At least until I decide to change it again...
My mother is an insomniac...no kidding. When I was little I knew whenever I would get up at night, she would be awake. I thought all mothers were like that until my first sleepover and I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. The house was quiet...no lights, no TV, No mother rearranging the furniture at 3 in the morning...YUP, that's what my mom does. She rearranges the living room furniture in the wee hours of the morn. This must be where I get my need for changing the blog background... I am just sensible enough to do it during daylight!
OK, enough for the reasons and justifications...Captain, sorry for the flowers, but I liked them!
Keep scrolling down to my last post if you haven't already read it so you can see the Riggeroni's room.
OK, I think I am done until I can announce the birth of our son...less then 24 hours from now I will be in the hospital...thanks for the prayers.
Some have commented that they cannot see my new background...I have checked it, and the captain can see it from his computer...can you see it? Let me know would ya?
OK, so half of you can see it and the other half can't...I wonder if it is the size or setting on your screen...The middle column is a bit bigger than the last one...oh well. If you see only the middle it is cream and distressed...the side columns are the fun part...just imagine grey and cream polka dots and then a fun floral motif. See now you are all caught up.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Changing table...with a nice view of the diaper bag and the boppy.
a shelf right by the door with some of my dad's old toy cars from when he was a kid.
Crib and some cool signage
shelves by the closet
a view from the entrance of the room
And a pic of the captain after a great dinner of Chinese takeout. His fortune was one for the record books, so I snapped a shot. It says "many people will be drawn to you for your wisdom and insights." I loved it!
Not a thing happening in the "birthing a baby" department...still very much with child. I am praying I hold out til Friday for my doc.
I know many of you are praying for us, we appreciate it so much. If I could, I would also ask for prayer for us and our families emotionally. I do not know how hard or emotional it is going to be for us. Excitement is high, anticipation is high, but there are also many unknowns about how we will all react. It is going to be bitter sweet to welcome such a loved and anticipated child into the world while we all still miss his sister so much. Thanks again for all of your love, prayers and support.
Oh and while you are already praying...pain free is a great phrase to use once or twice!
I am awake, obviously, and have been for the past hour or so. I cannot get comfy. My back hurts.
I will update you on our baby Rigg situation. I went to the Dr. on Monday. I am dilated to 4, or was on Monday. My Doc changed my induction to early Friday morning because of the change in me. SO, if nothing happens before then...we will have a baby Friday! She is also on call today. So if I go into labor, I would prefer it to be today or Friday...I would SO love her to be the delivery Doc. I have been praying that this would be so. I keep telling myself that God knows when this baby is due, He has a plan and it is better than one I can come up with...but I would really like my doc to deliver. She knows me, she knows the captain...she knows our situation. I will just keep praying...these prayers are more of a confirmation to me that God is in control...I have to keep reminding myself of this.
My moms (mom and mom-in-law) came over on Monday to help me clean...my house sparkles...or at least it did when they left. Riggs clothes are all sorted into size, hung and put away. His room is finally complete. I was going to take pics, I was going to show you, I had the best of intentions...but the batteries in the camera are dead. So it will have to wait...maybe later today.
Cari, you say, you did not post a Tuesday of praise.
I know, I was...lazy. I went to Target in the morning with my mom...then I spent the rest of the day reading a book...from start to finish. AHHH...it was divine. So I apologize.
I have been wearing the same shirt all week. This is for multiple reasons...the first is it is one of the only ones I have in my possession that is long enough to fit over my belly. The second is I do not want to do laundry...So fabreeze, perfume and no spillage will keep this shirt on my back another few days. That and the fact that it really does not smell...yet.
I am going to try to find something to do...maybe sleep...or just lay in bed and watch the captain sleep...I have not done that in a while...maybe I am overdue!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I got dressed for church, I thought I looked silly, but when only a few things fit, you work with what ya got. The dress I wore is far shorter in the front these days than the back, as if I need another reminder that my torso is expanding in an unflatering direction.
We get to church, I sit and try to get comfortable...I stress try. Then the worship starts. The first song is one of my favorite old hymns, Be Thou My Vision. I start to cry. I used to sing that song to Caden every night before she went to bed. I was crying so hard I couldn't sing. I somehow made it through all of worship and then slipped out to the bathroom. No surprise to those around,a prego lady as big as myself must need to use the facilities. I went to the restroom, wedged myself inside a stall and balled. As I sat there crying my eyes out, I felt like a high school girl who has skipped class to cry in the bathroom. I kept thinking I was really going to have to explain myself to the first poor lady who was lucky enough to enter into my crazy first. To my surprise...no one came in. I washed my hands tried to clean up my face and waited a little while so my eyes were not so red, and then I headed back to service...all too soon. I ran into one of my best friend's dads on the way. I have mentioned before that my friends and I go back many years...I have known this man for about 15 years. He knows me and my family very well...he is like a dad to me. He smiled and in his characteristic sarcastic manner that I love, he said...What are you doing out here? Well there was just no use...I started to cry again. I said "I was crying in the bathroom...I just can't seem to stop." He hugged me. I said " I just miss her so much. The first song we sang today was the song I used to sing to her before bed." he gave me another hug, kissed my head and said " I know, we all miss her too." I said since he lead music today it was all his fault...we both shared a laugh, then I excused myself, for I had to head back into the bathroom to clean up....again. It took a shorter time this time...I walked out, saw him from the corner of my eye, said "No worries, I'm good." and slipped back into church.
The rest of the day was nice, a good long nap and dinner at my parents with my grandparents. I feel so loved sometimes. I am surrounded by people who care about me and accept my crying fits with ease. Even men who are not family...by blood at least. God continues to show me how he comforts, through His word, through others...I am so blessed.
Speaking of blessed...about 17 ladies that I attend church with showered me with love and diapers at a surprise baby shower. I know it is customary to get a shower with your first...but not so with your second. I know my situation is a bit different than most. But I was completely overwhelmed with how much they care. They really love me and my family. They love my baby already...and no one even knows what he is like. I keep racking my brain to figure out how I deserve such love and caring from others...I got nothing. I just continue to be blown away by how Jesus loves through us and others love because of Jesus...the body of Christ at work is a beautiful thing to behold. I am in awe and fascinated every time I am able to witness it. Thank you ladies for a great memory and a wonderful time.
Rigg got some great stuff and tons of diapers...as well as a lovely pair of basketball shorts, just so he can be just like his daddy!
Only a few more days!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
When the nurse practitioner came in, I smiled...I said it was fine...I asked a couple questions, I tried not to hear Paula Abdul singing cold hearted snake in the background as to not fuel the fire of my frustration. She measured me...HUMM she said. She felt my Rigg, HUMMM she said. WELL, I a measureing a little past 40 weeks...I am only just 38. And she cannot tell if he is still head down...She scheduled me for another ultrasound to see size and position of our not so little bundle of joy.
I tried to apologize for being a pest to the office the previous week by calling and asking for a date. I explained it was mostly because I wanted to give my husband notice and find rides for him since he still could not drive. She looked at me with a, now very humorous, blank stare...why can't he drive?...I went into short story mode about our lovely tumor. The stare became a wide eyed expression of unbelief. Oh...she said. Well I will talk to your Doc personally she said...Thank You...I said.
So I left the office with no date, but a scheduled ultrasound and a date for my next apt. I called the Captain, relayed the news. I called the moms and told them...I was OK with the news, still about 2 weeks until baby...and a long list of things to do until then.
I get a call from my Doc. She apologized for not being there the last 2 times. By this time I was totally over it...that's OK I said. The whole time thinking...this is why I love my Doc, a call just to say sorry...what great service! Then she says she wants to check me...can I come in on Monday right after lunch? Sure I say...Good, she says...if you are still not dilated, then we will induce at 4:30 on Thursday because I am on call all weekend...
a shaky OK, I say.
6 DAYS PEOPLE!
A frantic call to the moms...please come over on Monday and help me with my list...
The list of "to-do's" runs itself through my head.
So we are looking at looking at Rigg sometime Friday. The captain will get to hold his baby boy by Father's Day! And I will have to, somehow, squeeze out this huge child before then...wish us luck, or, rather, pray for us, as that is what really matters. As my dad says, luck only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, and hopefully they will have nothing to do with birthing my baby...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I want to apologize for not letting you know how the captain fared on his first bout of chemo. It went well, as well as chemo can go I suppose. He had waves of nausea all week, but went to work all but one day. Most of the time, he felt fine, but when the nausea hit, he said it was not fun. So we are done until the first of July. Thank you for all the prayers. I am sure that is a huge reason the captain tolerated it so well.
My Dr.'s office called today...no set date for Big Rigg's arrival. But they did switch my next apt. so I would be able to see my doc instead of one of her partners. So hopefully I will be able to talk to her on Friday afternoon and maybe know a more set date. It will not be before the 20th of this month...so about 2 weeks and we get to meet the Riggaroni!
I have the baby's bag packed for the hospital, but not my own...I should get one that, it's just that most of the clothes I want to take I am still wearing...So I am holding off for a little while longer. I do not think there is much chance of me going into labor on my own...I have had no contractions and not even the fake ones...I think my babies like it in there...they would stay as long as we let them. Caden was late and we had to induce...I am sure I am just super comfy. I try to tell Rigg I am very neat and all sorts of fun to get him excited to meet me...but he just arches his back or stretches out a leg as if to say "yeah, yeah , mama, I get it. But I am fine right where i am, thankyouverymuch." So we will just have to wait. That is easier said than done when you have a stomach so large people stare in the Wal-Mart. Oh well, I am sure I deserve it after I stared, most likely, open mouthed, at a teenage girl in skin tight hot pink tapered jeans in the Wal-Mart last month...but seriously people, I am sure she was breaking 12 different fashion rules. I was transported back to the 80's for a split second and came to singing Karma Chameleon.
OK, so the rest of this post is pictures of the past month or so...because you deserve some pics! Enjoy!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
We sang songs Sunday morning in worship that focused on God's sacrifice and His gift to us. One of the songs was by Mercy Me, it is the 2nd song on my playlist. There is a section in the song that has the words "such a tiny offering compared to Calvary, nevertheless, we lay it at your feet." I cry every time we sing that song in church...maybe this is why the captain sits me in the back...I know it is speaking of our life, and how we offer our lives as a sacrifice to Christ because He died for us...but it always makes me think of my Caden. She was such a tiny offering, and Andy and I make the choice everyday to lay her, our pain and our burdens at His feet. And though we did not choose to give her, she is gone still the same and every day it still hurts, some days like it just happened.
There is another song out by Building 429 called Always...I cannot listen to it most days. The very first verse talks about a woman who has lost her son. "He would have been 3 today. I miss his smile, I miss his face." The singer follows up with " I believe that Always, Always, our savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and the promise remains. He will be with you always."
Some days the pain is great. We swim in a sea of grief and hurt. We want to push people aside because 'they could never understand' or we get angry at little things for no reason at all, it just feels better to slam a door. We want the ache to stop...and we can't do it. Our friends can't do it, our family can't do it.
My mother-in-law said something to me a few weeks ago that keeps running through my mind. She said we all go through tough times and every ones valley is deep. It is so true. You may not have lost a daughter, but you know what grief feels like. I may have never have had an abortion, but I know what guilt and loss feel like. We connect with one another through pain. We experience everything differently, but we understand the hurt...we have all been there in some way.
I was thinking of how it hurts to lose a child as I was singing/crying on Sunday and I thought...God knows. He gave up his Son. He knows the hurt. He knew the hurt before it happened and did it anyway...why? For me. For you. So we could live. Really live, and maybe in some small way glorify Him with our life.
So today I praise God. For being the only one who truly knows our hurts. Who alone is able to truly comfort and care for our deep wounds. Who loved us enough to save us, when were not worth a second glance. And I pray that my life, in some small way, may bring Him the glory He deserves.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I had planned on coming right home from dropping the captain off at work and getting started on my to-do list...and here I sit.
I am tired, and sore, and yet, it is almost impossible to get comfortable enough to get good sleep. I get about 45 min to an hour before I wake and have to either 1. turn over 2. go to the bathroom 3. get something to drink ( I am SO thirsty!) or 4. just lay there wide awake and uncomfortable. I wait for the clock to tell me it is time to get up, only to get up and wish I could lay down and sleep...the last 3 weeks of pregnancy are rough...especially if you are the size of a baby elephant.
What should I be doing now...anything but sitting here and just talking (typing?) about what I should be doing. I asked Andy this morning if the maid was scheduled to come today because our house needs cleaning...he rolled his eyes and pointed out she will be home all day...I hate being the maid. I like it much better when I am the decorator, or the sit back and enjoy that the work is done-er. Today I need to be the maid, I am sure my husband would be very grateful if I became the cook later too...ahhh, a housewife's work is never done.
OK, enough gabbing...I cannot believe you kept me here as long as you did...shame on you, or me...OK I'll except the blame this time...Time to clean! Wish me luck.
UPDATE: I was able to clean out the bathroom closet, clean and put baby bath stuff on new "open" shelf and throw many things away. I did some rearranging and organizing of things in Rigg's room, the captain brought in the freshly painted table and i got my shoes and stuff out of his closet. I put said shoes in proper place in my closet, as well as 2 loads of laundry, dinner and dinner for a friend...I cleaned the kitchen twice. I did have time for a 45 min nap and a frozen snickers bar, thankyouverymuch. All this while watching my 5 month old cousin...I think tomorrow is a day of rest!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A lovely pic of my belly with a dollop of precious baby girl on the side...She and Rigg should get along nicely, at least they played well together today!
I spent the afternoon with friends, who are really more like family. This is the baby girl of my oldest (by oldest, I mean I have known her the longest...not that she is the most elderly friend I possess...) friend, Stacey, whom I have known for over 21 years...and she still likes me!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Yesterday has to be the weirdest day I have had in a long time. If I could separate myself from the activities I did, it was a lovely day, if I take the activities out of the equation and just think about how I felt...it was a terrible day...How do you mix those? I could not stop crying all day!!! All day. In the car listening to the radio, thinking about Caden...then I stupidly went to the cemetery (someone had been there recently and placed flowers on her grave) I cried until I was sobbing and shaking a bit...stupid Cari. So then I had to run by my parents house, to use the restroom (I am 143 months pregnant you know) and I touched up my makeup...thanks Mom for wearing the same kind I do ( what does that say about us?) Then off to the Doc...pregnant women out the door and all the moms coming in had pink strollers, car seats or dresses on their little girls...am I the only women in America having a boy? "Look up!, Blink, Blow air towards eyes...DO NOT CRY IN WAITING ROOM....good job! Then off to lunch with Mama, I was very quiet...which is OK , because my mom can talk forever...It was still very nice. Then back to the hospital to visit my friend and her new baby (I say back because I was there yesterday) We were having a lovely time, then she needed to use the bathroom....while she was gone I held her baby girl and talked and cooed at her. Then a rush of memories came flooding in. I was alone with Caden the day after she was born and no one was there yet. I was holding her close examining her, thinking...whose baby is this? (she looked like NO ONE I knew!) I told by friends baby "I remember." and it was all downhill from there. My friend came out of the bathroom and apologized for leaving us alone together...no need. It was just the day, running it's bizzar course, it would have happened anyway. So my friend sat and cried together missing my baby girl while we passed hers between us. I went to pick up the captain from work...we both had a hard day...I told him I cried all day...BUT it was a good day...We went to dinner with my parents and some other friends...it ended on a very nice up-swing.
I am tired of feeling pain and loss and hurt...but if I can still have a good day while doing it...things are going to be OK. God is working, I can see it in the weird days.
We have 4 ladies due in June in my Sunday school class. ( I love that I am 27 and still have a Sunday School class...they want to call is a Fellowship Class...but I refuse to budge.) All four have chosen names for their babes. 2 boys and 2 girls are to arrive. It is nice how God made it even for the anal retentive ones...I was thinking the other day about the names we are about to give our kids, when I couldn't help but laugh out loud...Andy was with me and looking at me like I was nuts says" what's so funny." So I explained what I was thinking about and sang the little song "one of these things is not like the others." to him...he needed more prompting. We are about to be graced with the presence of a Rachel (already here) a Sarah, a Caleb, and a Rigg...do you see one that stands out like a sore thumb? Later in the year we are getting a Jacob...(Heidi, you won't let me down will you?) I never realized how much the captain and I were different...Oh well, Rigg will never know. (RIIIGHT!)
OK I should go, my husband is washing the dishes...chemo patients should NOT have to do dishes!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A close friend had a baby girl today. So sweet and precious and a wonderful reminder of God's goodness and plan, as well as His hope and joy. I love babies, especially if they are my friends babies. Isn't it funny how you do not know this baby, who they are, who they will be, what they will be like...and yet we love them automatically, just because they belong to the ones we love so much. I know when I had Caden, I was overwhelmed at how many people loved her for no other reason than they loved me and Andy. This feeling was magnified 10 times over at her funeral. Why would so many people show up and stay for a service for an 8 month old who they never met, or did not know very well? Because they loved us so much....an overwhelming and wonderful feeling.
I was a little nervous about visiting the hospital...not because I hate hospitals or anything...this was the exact hospital where I delivered Caden and this is the hospital where she died...which was the last time I was there. So I was anticipating, well....anything. If I cry, I cry, If I get angry, I get angry...but nothing doing. It was a non-issue. I went to see my friends baby, I saw her, rejoiced, and left. It was a good visit. And as I left and drove past the ambulance entrance where I rode with my daughter for the last time...I thought, Thank you God for being there... at a time like this.
This is also the hospital where we will deliver the Riggster in just a little over 2 weeks...2 WEEKS!!! I am sorry, I panicked for a second there...I still have things to do...stuff to buy...bags to pack...I HAVE NESTING TO DO!
But, I am tired...maybe I will do it tomorrow...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
AHEM! To the praise!
1 : conscious of benefit received
1. the act of expressing approval or admiration; commendation; laudation.
2. the offering of grateful homage in words or song, as an act of worship: a hymn of praise to God. 3. the state of being approved or admired: The king lived in praise for many years.
It seems to me that there is a difference between praising God and thanking Him. Thanking God is important and we should do it often and with much thought. He has given us blessing upon blessing and deserves to be thanked, however, praise has nothing to do with us...it is all about God. Where thankfulness focuses on what God has done for us, praise focuses on who God is. His character, His power, His holiness, His being what we can never be.
I feel like in today's contemporary Christian culture we unintentionally focus on ourselves way more than we should.(what God has done for us, what God will do for us, how god has changed us...) We are full of thankfulness...which we should be, and can spend many an eloquent prayer time counting our blessings off one by one. But we lack in the time we log in praising God just for being who He is. If not you, I do. This is why I really wanted to do Tuesdays of praise. To find a way to honestly praise God for who He is without it being about me. It speaks in Revelation about the saints and angels and other heavenly creatures praising God over and over and over. And yet, I have a hard time doing it for more than a few minutes at a time.
I was thinking of things we could praise God about. To do it justice, it is best if you know as much about the actual character of God as you can. So one could start praising God by doing a word study on some of His characteristics. Here are just a few things (the list is by far not exhaustive) we could focus our praise of God on.
I feel this is an area I lack in my prayer life, as well as in my daily walk with God. He is not like me, He is Holy and deserves to be treated as such. I am thankful to Him, for more than I can even say in a day. But I need to Praise Him...for He alone is worthy.
What are you praising God for today?
Sidenote: Andy is doing well, He has been at work all day and is feeling "OK" Thanks for all the prayer.