Monday, August 29, 2011

fortunate failure

I bolt upright... a screaming baby, a sky that is still dark... too early.
shh, little one. quiet. go back  to sleep. (silent prayer...please, please go back to sleep.)
silence... sweet slumber.
except not me. I cannot get settled again.

This is not how my morning was supposed to go.

Just as I drift back off, a little hand knocks from the inside of his door... "Daddy!, Mommy!"  then cries from the baby's room... now they are both up...
I grumble. I complain.
I get up.

Coffee... this will help. This will improve all things. Coffee will save me.

a fussy baby... half a two year olds breakfast on the floor... my coffee gets cold and remains only half finished.

This is not how my peaceful coffee experience is supposed to be.  Morning coffee time is supposed to be quiet. reflective. peaceful.

I scream in my head. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL!

I take a deep breath and say out loud. "I love my children."

Maybe today can be salvaged. I will make this day a success by accomplishing things on my "to-do" list.
Dishes... done. (only had to stop twice to help/ discipline/ rescue a child)
Laundry... in progress. (Rigg's helping is really hindering, but it is cute and he is learning)
Dinner... prepared and one frozen for later. (only had to stop 3 times for a snack/ discipline/ rescue of a child or two.)

Well, my "to-do" list is shorter... but I feel crummy.  I feel stressed... slightly angry... every time I tried to get something done I was interrupted...
I feel no joy in my accomplishments.

Chocolate. This will make me feel happy. CHOCOLATE!
Ahh. sweet chocolate. How I love you.
 for 3 seconds.

I am tired.
I will rest for 20 min.
Just nodded off.

The baby's up from his nap.
No rest.
I grumble. I complain.
I get up.

This is not restful, relaxing... peaceful.

This is not how my day is supposed to go.
this day is a failure...
I am a failure.

But I always fail when I try to do it myself. When I try to make my own peace, my own happiness out of broken and insufficient means. When I do it... I grumble, I complain. I get angry and upset. I have no peace, no strength, no joy. I miss out on all my blessings, I miss all the wonder and joy in my day.  When I do it... I see only me.

Fortunately, for me, I usually get clued-in to my self-destructive control issue... a day or two later.
Fortunately, for me, I have a Savior who forgives, comforts, guides and loves me.

And wouldn't ya know it... as soon as I stop trying to do it all myself, as soon as I rest in Him and His promise... my days are smoother. More peaceful. Full of more laughter and more Joy.

Coffee will not bring me peace... but I know where I can go for peace.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
(coffee does give me all sorts of good fuzzy feelings though!)

Accomplishments and chocolate might not give me joy and happiness... but I know where to go to find it.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As for rest... tiredness is for a short time. There will always be time to sleep. More important then sleep is a restful spirit...
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

I understand weary... I know burdened.
I am tired of re-shouldering the load.

Fortunately, for me, Christ has promised to take it. (again and again...)
But where sin increased, grace increased all the more (Romans 5:20)

Fortunately, for me, He never gets tired of rescuing me from myself.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I talk about important things...and then I don't

Do you ever feel like your life is super busy, but when someone asks you what's going on your mind comes up blank?

This is where I am people.

Super busy...

but blank.

Keeping up?

The past 2 weeks have been a bit of a blur. The Captain was not well.  We had issues with dosages of meds and changes of meds... and introductions and partings of meds... all in 2 weeks time... and it made for a big 'o mess.


He was reminiscent of "after-brain-surgery-Captain"  He couldn't keep up his end of a conversation. When you would talk to him he would stare at you like you were speaking Chinese... which is silly, seeing as how I do not speak Chinese. (Speaking of speaking Chinese, the last time I called and ordered Chinese take-out, my kids were screaming bloody murder very loud and the Chinese man had to ask me to repeat myself... usually it is the other way around... I digress)
Anyhoo, 2 Dr. appointments, 1 med. dropped, 1 med added, 1 med decreased dosage and a lot of prayer and waiting... and, Praise!, we have a better, coherent, understands-what's-going-on-around-him, Captain.

and 2 kiddos with colds. But really, in the grand scheme of things, colds are nothing! A Captain who is non-functioning tends to stress me out... big time.

 Mama needs a vacay!

BUT... life seems to be getting back to normal.
Which means...the laundry keeps piling, and the dishes keep stacking up. The boys laugh and whine and make HUGE messes...
and when I get on the floor to retrieve a missing pacifier from under the couch I see this...

 Clearly, Mr. Potato Head is missing his eyeballs... creepy.

I have recently joined pinterest. I came across this today and chuckeled to myself...then immediatly pinned it!

It's Ok.. I can be a big deal elsewhere as to you... or whatever.

The boys are taking excellent naps...and my sister-in-law brought me a diet coke...So really, today is turing out to be a pretty good one.

Hope yours is too.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Ryder ~7 months~

Ryder turned 7 months old on the 14th.

He is still stinkin' cute.
(I hate to be the one to point this out...but we have recently noticed a very faint uni-brow... sigh... However, I feel this does not subtract from the cute just adds interest)

And still packing on the chub. Getting bigger then Milton...his favorite monkey.

At 7 months Ryder is heavy... 22 or 23 lbs and solidly in 12 month clothes... all 9 month outfits are like spandex, which causes me to yank and pull clothes on when we run out of clean summer 12 month sizes (which happens because he is a sloppy mess...(see below))... and causes others to look at him and question if he is getting proper circulation to his extremities...

Ryder is a raspberry master. With the constant raspberries and the teething his face IS NEVER DRY. Neither are any of his shirts...and he tries to eat bibs, so really the boy is a 24 hour sloppy mess... but a cute sloppy mess.

Our baby boy is now a champion sitter. He can balance himself great and even catch and correct himself when he starts to fall. He reaches well out of his immediate grasping range for toys and can now properly (re)insert a paci into his own mouth. 

 It is easy to get Ryder to smile. All you have to do is get directly in his face. Anything you do once there will lead to giggles, smiles, raspberries (lookout!) and/or grasping of your face.

And although he is not yet mobile...

He is working hard on becoming so.

Monday, August 15, 2011

It is a gift

Sometimes I want to plunge my fingers deep into my ears, shut my eyes so tight I give myself irreversible crows feet and sing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" as loud as I can muster.

Sometimes my world seems full to the brim of stress, worry, fear...pain, ache, loss.

Sometimes it is all I can manage to catch my breath. To hold back the tears. To get up and walk... to live each day in my own little world.

Sometimes on days when I finally open my eyes to the hurt and pain and struggle in others lives...  it seems too much. I want to shut down. I want to numb out... I want relief.

Then, or if, I take the time to think... really think about why it affects me so much. I realize it is probably because I can empathize. I can feel their hurt because I too have been hurt. I too have lived that day... those days... that moment. And then the thought crystallizes... what if when everyone else heard of me, my story, my life, they plugged their ears, closed their eyes and and tuned out me?

I am blessed many times over beacuse they did not. You did not. Many ears listened, many eyes saw, many mouths prayed. And I am a thankful and changed woman for the work that Christ did through His people.

I have been given this life...with all of its ups and downs for one purpose. To glorify Christ. By how I walk each day, by what I say, by how I seek to serve and encourage others. God has shown me great examples of love, service and encouragement. In the death of my daughter and the illness of my husband I have been blessed to witness firsthand the grace and mercy of Christ.

It is now my turn to use what He has given to comfort and encourage others. For I have been given much.

So I will unplug my ears, open my eyes and silence my selfishness... because feeling others'  pain so acutely is not a bad thing.

It is a gift.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I miss her today

I miss her today.

Well, really, I miss her everyday... but today the ache is stronger. The hurt more tangible. The hole in my heart more exposed.

I want so many things. I want my life to slow down enough so I have time to cry... slow down enough to allow moments to think and process my grief. I want to spend time remembering the color of her eyes, the curve of her cheek, the rolls on her thighs, the smell of her hair, the sound of her jabber. I want what I cannot have...

her here.

I miss her today.

I have a mountain of folded clothes on my table ready to be put away. None of them are pink... none are for a little girl with blond hair and smiley eyes. And it makes me mad.

and it breaks my heart.

Last night before bed I snuggled Ryder close. He was heavy and warm and smelled of baby and applesauce. I closed my eyes and remembered. She was snugly and warm too. And as I sat there holding him in my arms...holding her in my memory, so close, I didn't want to open my eyes... to put him to bed... to step back into the present...
where I live and she does not.

But I did open my eyes...and I stared at my precious baby boy and was reminded of joy and of hope... of goodness and the blessings that come with loving someone so much it hurts. I said a prayer of thanks...for Ryder, for Rigg... for my beautiful Caden.

I miss her today.
Well, really, I miss her everyday...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

you could die from the cute



Or maybe maim...

At the very least, this cute could seriously injure.

These pictures are cute-tastic! Cute-rific! Cute to the 100th power. (insert another nerdy  spoof on "cute" here)

Are you still here? Or did I creep you out with all the cutsie talk?

Now I have built it up...maybe you won't think these pictures are as cute as I have proclaimed them to be. Not cute-tastic or cute-rific at all... what if you think they are just plain cute... and then you are let down... bumming in a BIG way?

Now I am nervous... I have a small inkling of fear and doubt about my monumental build up of the cute factor of 3 pictures...yup, just 3.

Are 3 pictures enough to pull you in? To win you over? To convince you to jump on the "oh-my-sweet-heaven-these are SO-cute" bandwagon?

I am unsure...
Well, does it really matter?

It is just my word, my oath, my credibility on the line. If I say "Cute-tastic" and you feel mislead... then will you believe anything I say from here on out?

I am torn... to post? not to post? to recant? I mean, the build up has been tremendous! 

ahh... RECKLESSNESS!  I shall fling all caution to the winds...

enjoy the cute...(er? mildly amusing?)

I'm sticking with cute...