Monday, November 24, 2008
This year I know it is going to difficult for me and my family. I, and I think I am in the sever minority in my family, am still looking forward to the holiday. In fact I am blessed enough to have 3 in my near future...YEAH!
So let us be Thankful together to Him who has blessed us so abundantly.
Please leave a comment about why you thank God this year.
I will start.
I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to see the overflow of love, caring and prayer He has given us in the form of family and friends. I am in awe. I am thankful for my husband, who loves me beyond rational reason and sacrifices himself and his desires and wants for me more often than I deserve. I am thankful for new life. I am thankful I am a mommy, and had the immense pleasure of having a daughter. I am thankful that He is faithful, and carries me daily to places I have never been, nor would be without Him.
What are you thankful for?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This verse has been replaying itself in my mind over the past weeks. I try to put together the puzzle pieces my life has become, just to get frustrated or confused. I wonder if I will ever understand WHY. Then I answer myself...maybe, maybe not. Either way God is in control...He is good. One day I feel He is showing me wonderful new things, about myself, about why she is gone...other days, nothing is enough. I want her back.
That is all.
your ways are not My ways...
I want her back
My ways are higher than your ways
let me understand
As my days pass I long to see the full picture, to come to a full realization of why my baby, why me? Why my family, Lord? WHY? Knowing that I will not see it fully until I am on the other side of heaven...
I know then I will bow down and worship as I do not know how to on this earth.
I dream of heaven. Of seeing Christ. Of the splendor and majesty that I cannot fully comprehend. Of singing with the saints and angels "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty." Of seeing my Caden. Of pressing her baby soft cheek into mine. Of telling her how much her daddy and I love her, of her brother or sister...of how much I have missed her.
Life seems too long to wait for that day. Some moments contain too much time and pain for my weak body to handle...it seems unfair. And, yet, I know of nowhere in the scriptures where God has promised me fair...He has promised me comfort (2 Cor 1:3-4) he has promised to supply all my needs (Phil 4;19) He has promised me strength and support (1 Peter 5:10) but I do not know of anywhere in the bible where I have been promised fair.
And I am happy for it.
If I were promised fair, I would spend eternity in hell. If I were promised fair my sins would have settled for me my future of pain and suffering. But because of the unfair, the merciful, the Giver of the undeserving I have LIFE. Sweet, unshakable, incomprehensible eternal life in Christ Jesus my Lord. Who, Himself, thought of me while on the cross, and died in my place.
Because of His sacrifice, I am free... saved... rescued... redeemed...
Because of Jesus, I will see her again.
Thank You , Lord, that I do not understand Your ways. That You would die for a sinner like me is unfathomable. I may not understand all You do, but I rest in who You are.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I miss my baby girl. Today I cannot get my thoughts in order, Everytime I started to type, I thought of my beautiful Caden.
I love thinking of her, although I still cry almost everytime I do. Remembering her feels sad and happy all at the same time and is, in a way, all we have of her.
Remember my Caden with me.
(please go to the music on the righthand side and pause it to hear the video.)
Also if you have time, check out the newest on this blog. She is such a good writer and I feel like she is writing for me...
Monday, November 10, 2008
Well, here goes...
1. I am a Harry Potter nerd. I love it! I own and have read all of the books. I read the whole series through about once a year...yes I really do. (I am not such a huge fan of the movies, I could go on a small tirade about how they are completely different than the books and hardly do the well written words and magnificent plot justice, but I will spare you.)
2. I am a huge reader. I read about 2 - 3 books a week if I have enough. Last week I read 3 books and started a fourth. They can be anything really. I love old classics as well as children's/pre-teen books, to science fiction to biography's. Anything as long as it is written well and can hold my attention. I have probably only not finished a book a handful of times in my life.
3. I simply refuse to leave the house without mascara. One day about a year and a half ago, I went to work, stopped in at the bathroom, realized I had forgotten my mascara and immediately left, went down the street to the CVS and bought some. I quickly applied it to my naked lashes before stepping foot back inside the building. It was a terrifying 15 min.
4. I LOVE school/office supplies and am freakishly annal about the organization of such items. I love the little drawer organizers. I would buy scads of things just to help organize the office here at home if I had the $$. I positively swoon when I enter a staples or office depot.
5. I am a napper. LOVE to nap. I am not talking a 30 min snoozer either. I am talking at least 2 hours. If you do not have a 2 hour window...you do not have enough time for a nap! I was a big napper before I ever got pregnant. When I was pregnant with Caden, I was a champ. Now with this new baby, I have excelled in all of my napping capabilities. Ahhh, I am getting sleepy just thinking about it.
6. I CANNOT wear black and brown together. I am well aware of both of these colors being neutral in all their shades and tones, as well as Stacy and Clinton telling myriads of people that they can certainly go together in an outfit because although they do not match, "they go". NO! I cannot! I have tried, I look in the mirror and have to immediately correct what is in my mind a HUGE mistake. Black with black and brown with brown...sorry Stacy and Clinton...
7. When I am having a hard time falling asleep at night, I make up stories in my head. Usually involving me and my husband or friends. Elaborate details and crazy plots...sometimes we are kings and queens. Other times we are pioneers headed west. Always in another place and another time. I always fall asleep before I can finish them. So I never really know how I would end a story...oh well
there you go folks. All my crazy out for all to see. Hoped you have enjoyed it. I am tagging Heather, Cristi , Stacey and Richard.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Before Caden's death I would have told anyone, unabashedly, that I was not a cryer. "Have you met my mother? Now there is a cryer!" God changes us. I now cry with the best of them...although I still have a ways to go to catch up to mom...
I would also said I was not a worrier...I leave that to Andy, he is better at it than me, I find it wastes to much energy.
Lately, I worry. I hate it. It feels foreign and ugly. I fear all sorts of things that I know would never have entered my mind if Caden was still on this earth with me. Things that seem clearly rational to the human mind, people say "It's OK to think that, it's just natural after what you have been through."
I fear that I will never let this new child alone in their crib, what if something were to happen and I was not there?
Am I going to be a crazy, psycho mom who never lets her kids do things for fear of them getting hurt?
I seize up at any cramp or twinge I feel with this pregnancy. I wonder..."Is this normal? Did I go through this with Caden?"
Will I be as laid back and let other people enjoy my baby as I did before?
The list goes on like this....
But my soul cries out to take the fear and worry away. I know the fear, the worry, is a lack of trust in God. I long to rest in Him, without effort. But some days it takes all I have. A new decision to trust Him every hour. Over and Over again, I have to choose to trust. 1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Every day, every hour, I have choose to cast my cares and fears and worries upon Him. If I hang on to them, they tear me apart slowly, silently, until I cannot move or think because of the fear.
Philippians 4: 6 tells us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Then comes the best part...the part that I long for. vs 7 " And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I have felt that peace before. The week my daughter died was the best week of my life. No, don't go back and read that again, you read it right. It was the best week of my life. I was surrounded by Gods love and peace. I cannot describe in words the comfort and support Andy and I felt those first few days. God is faithful to His promise.
He will continue to be so.
My God is the same.
My Jesus never changes.
As I fight this battle against fear and worry, I know my God is stronger than my enemy. I need only to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I would never have chosen for my precious Caden to die...but it is what God wanted for me. If I can say that and believe it and still trust Him, than I can surely trust Him with my new baby. As well as all the things that come along with him or her.
As for me being a crazy, psycho mom...we will just have to wait and see. :)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
This picture was taken seconds after I stated that I am 6 weeks pregnant.
YES I AM! Although, it seems highly improbable, nothing is impossible with God. (We were,well, stunned to say the least!)
God has been good to Andy and I. It is an interesting mix of emotions. While still grieving, we celebrate new life. This new baby does not replace Caden, but it gives hope and joy for the future.
Please continue to pray for us and our families as we press on in our sorrow and our joy. Now you can add a healthy baby to your prayer list.
He gives and takes away...now, he has chosen to Give.
Praise Him with us...