Thursday, November 20, 2008

unfair

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

This verse has been replaying itself in my mind over the past weeks. I try to put together the puzzle pieces my life has become, just to get frustrated or confused. I wonder if I will ever understand WHY. Then I answer myself...maybe, maybe not. Either way God is in control...He is good. One day I feel He is showing me wonderful new things, about myself, about why she is gone...other days, nothing is enough. I want her back.

That is all.

your ways are not My ways...

I want her back

My ways are higher than your ways

let me understand

As my days pass I long to see the full picture, to come to a full realization of why my baby, why me? Why my family, Lord? WHY? Knowing that I will not see it fully until I am on the other side of heaven...

I know then I will bow down and worship as I do not know how to on this earth.

I dream of heaven. Of seeing Christ. Of the splendor and majesty that I cannot fully comprehend. Of singing with the saints and angels "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty." Of seeing my Caden. Of pressing her baby soft cheek into mine. Of telling her how much her daddy and I love her, of her brother or sister...of how much I have missed her.

Life seems too long to wait for that day. Some moments contain too much time and pain for my weak body to handle...it seems unfair. And, yet, I know of nowhere in the scriptures where God has promised me fair...He has promised me comfort (2 Cor 1:3-4) he has promised to supply all my needs (Phil 4;19) He has promised me strength and support (1 Peter 5:10) but I do not know of anywhere in the bible where I have been promised fair.

And I am happy for it.

If I were promised fair, I would spend eternity in hell. If I were promised fair my sins would have settled for me my future of pain and suffering. But because of the unfair, the merciful, the Giver of the undeserving I have LIFE. Sweet, unshakable, incomprehensible eternal life in Christ Jesus my Lord. Who, Himself, thought of me while on the cross, and died in my place.

Because of His sacrifice, I am free... saved... rescued... redeemed...

Because of Jesus, I will see her again.

Thank You , Lord, that I do not understand Your ways. That You would die for a sinner like me is unfathomable. I may not understand all You do, but I rest in who You are.

Come quickly

9 comments:

cristidehoff said...

FYI - I have ached for you both all week. Sorry I haven't said so. I love you.

Jason and Amanda said...

Beautifully written and all so true. You're in my prayers!

Heidi Stone said...

Sometimes after I read your blogs, I just sit and think to myself, What can I write that would be an encouragement to Cari? And the answer in my head is always a resounding, "Nothing. You have no words to follow that up."

But I know that you love to hear that people are reading your blog and are encouraged by your words so I strive to find SOMETHING to write.

Oftentimes all I can do is sit here in my computer chair and pray for you, cry with you, mourn for your loss. I don't feel adequate to give you any sort of consolation since I have no idea what you're going through. Yet I want to.

Perhaps you've noticed the sometimes awkward pause when I see you at church. It's common for a lump to rise in my throat and tears to begin to well in my eyes when I think of the pain you're in, yet you're still at church, still smiling, still loving Jesus with everything in you. You are such an example, Cari. I think of all those things that I don't know how to say and so....I just give you a hug.

I do hope you don't mind hugs because I seem to be giving you an awful lot of those lately. And I hope you don't mind the awkward pauses, because it really just means I love you and I don't know how to say what I want to.

I'm praying for you. Both of you. And I can't wait for the day you will be reunited with your little girl in heaven.

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

I am praying for you and Andy.

Sarah said...

I can't imagine the grief you must be feeling. I know the Lord is sustaining you, and your words are an encouragement to me. I saw a picture of Caden in the church directory the other day as I was looking for a phone number. She looked so precious in her little headband! I will continue to lift you, Andy, and the rest of your family up in prayer.

Lindsey said...

Your name came up last night at cooking club. We all agreed how you and Andy are such an amazing example to us. God is certainly using you and your words in mighty ways.

Mimi said...

Cari-This is the first time I have commented but have been reading for a while. I just wanted to tell you that my heart grieves for you and Andy. I can't fathom your loss. Thank you for being so transparent in your grief. Your words have been an encouragement to me so many times. I pray for you and Andy every day (and for the new little one just beginning to grow).

Heidi Stone said...

I know that today marks another month on your journey. I'm praying for you.

The Anderson's said...

Cari,
My heart aches for you and Andy... Every time I read your blog, I am truly amazed at your faithfulness and devotion. God is using your example and words in amazing ways! Continue glorifying Him…
Leah