Friday, April 10, 2015

taken care of

You know when you have a closet that's full? I mean, just crammed full of everything you tried to hide or didn't want to mess with? And you know that feeling of needing to clean it out... but just putting it off because it seems too big for today?
And the longer you wait, the more stuff that closet accumulates... so the clean-up gets bigger and bigger...
That's how I've been feeling about this blog. I want to write. To sit down and pour my heart into words that my heart and my mind have been feeling. To share what God is doing, what I am learning... How I've seen Him provide. I want to show you pictures and tell you how my boys are...
and life is busy, so I haven't given this blog my time.
and now I have SO much... and the task seems too big.
So I'm going to cut myself some slack... and I'm not going to try to play catch-up. I'm not even going to give you pictures in this post.
This is me, opening the door... and starting to get it done.
I've been learning how to live in a world without the Captain.
It's not easy.
More often than not, I am busy, surrounded by people... but I feel alone.
After being with Andy for over 10 years, I am relearning how to function as a single unit.
My boys help, family helps, friends help... but it is still an adjustment.
One that makes me miss him so much.
When Andy was sick I struggled to remember him as a strong healthy man. I remember scouring through videos just to watch him walk... to remember how he moved. I could not remember his voice... so the videos were precious remainders not only of  his strength and movement... but of his sound, his smile... his joy.
Now, I have to work to remember him sick. When Andy comes to mind he is healthy, strong... it's bittersweet. I love knowing that my brain can hang on to who he was... but as each memory surfaces I grieve over it. Because it magnifies, just a little bit more, what has been taken out of my life.
On the flip side of that, I know in my heart that God provided me with Andy for 10 years. To help me, to teach me, to share live and responsibilities with me... and I know now that my husband is no longer here God will fill those gaps with other good things... He will provide those things for me in different ways.
But a girl has to get use to the changes... and some of those ways God will fill those gaps... might just be with my own hands and my own time.
I, possibly naively, thought that "after" might be easier. I wouldn't have to watch him suffer... wouldn't be stretching my days between boys and Andy. I knew that grief would come, but in my mind I separated the emotional from the physical...
I have since discovered that the "after" has been harder than I expected. Not the grief over the loss of Andy... that has been about what I expected... but the areas I could not know of until I lived them. The Captain was gone from our home for 6 months before he died. But it wasn't until after he was gone that I felt like a single parent. I struggle with managing my time. I feel stretched thin. I feel the weight of my boys discipline and upbringing lay heavy upon my shoulders. I press back the nagging doubt that I will be able to earn enough to support my family.
All of these things are valid thoughts...but they are only true concerns when I separate them from truth.
And the truth is... God will give me grace that is sufficient for each day... for each moment.{2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.}  God will provide all of my needs because He cares for me. {Philippians 4:19 ~ And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.}
God is in each breath of my day... each step I take, He is present. I need only to ask... only to take a pause and refocus to grasp what is needed... what is freely given; His power and His grace and His strength. {Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do all things through him who strengthens me.}
At the end of Andy's funeral, a message from Andy was read. The Captain stated that one of the top three happenings in his life was watching the church work together to love and support our family. God uses His people to show His love, His care, His gentle compassion. I have been privileged to witness first-hand the provision of God. I have never, not once, felt abandoned or over looked. I have never been lacking in a need, I have never been in want... because God abundantly provides.
He shows up and shows off.
and friends... My God is faithful, He does not change... He does not grow weary.
Because I know all of this to be true... I know that even though some days I feel the hard and I feel the heavy...
I know I have nothing to fear... I have no worry I cannot give to Him.
I am generously and abundantly taken care of.
{Matthew 6:26 ~ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?}