I remember after Caden died it was easy to process my thoughts and feelings because I had the time. I had the time to sit, write, reflect and read... I had time to review what had happened, what was happening, how God was working.
I want so much to do that in this time of my life.
But I lack one thing.
And I would fuss about it, except for what my life is now filled with is infinitely more precious than time. I might be tugged at and yelled for, I might ingest no warm meals, or warm coffee, I might sing the same song or read the same book over and over and over again... but I am blessed beyond what I deserve with the job of caring and raising my sons.
Some days... most days, I lose sight of that. I get tired, weary, restless with the monotony of mommy hood. I crave rest, time to sit and think a coherent thought with out being interrupted, to soak in what God wants me to learn.
I forget that in the midst of the chaos, in the throws of the day are those same lessons if I chose to see... If I can rise above the noise, the diapers, the busyness and the dirt long enough to really see. Now, in this moment, He can teach me just as much, if not more, than in the quiet.
I know life, yours and mine, is sometimes running from urgent moment to urgent moment. It is so hard to grasp the importance of long term in between the immediate. I struggle to mesh the everyday with the eternal. But God fits it together perfectly... My attitude and heart just block my view sometimes.
This is just one of the reasons my new motto is "One day at a time".
Not only does it keep me sane in regards to the stupid brain cancer that is so interfering in my life, but it helps me to see the everyday importance. Today is important. I am not just supposed to get through, or survive today. I am supposed to live God's principles today.. I am supposed to make a difference today, I am required to be present and focused today... I am supposed to reflect Him today.
When you see your life as a big picture it is so easy to get caught up in the worry and fear of the the future. I have more than once this week lost my grip on my "today" and my mind has run so far ahead... deep into my tomorrows. My heart was heavy with "what if's" and "how will I's". I was wrapped in fear and worry and I choked out tears. All for naught... because my reality for that day was not one of sorrow or loss. In fact... I had smiley, rambuncious boys... a strong, fighter of a husband... and a purpose for my day. I was wasting the moment on what may never be... what prayerfully, hopefully, God willing will never actually happen.
If it does, there will be a time to deal with the emotion, with the questions, with the happenings...
Now, today, thakfully, is not that time.
Now is the time to live today.
One day at a time.
"....each day is, in a certain sense, a complete life by itself. It has its own duties, its own trial,its own burdens and its own needs. The very best we can do for the perfecting of our life as a whole, is to live the one day well. We should put all our thought and energy and skill into the duty of each day, wasting no strength, either in grieving over yesterday's failures -- or in anxiety about tomorrow's responsibilities." ~ J.R. Miller