Monday, December 15, 2014

He is

I started this blog post 3 times.
I typed... I deleted.
I typed... I deleted.
I typed... I deleted.
I closed the tab and started to walk away and my phone dinged. A cute little app told me that a year ago I wrote this post about how crazy faithful God is.
I went back and read that post... and cried. I am so quick to forget all the amazing things my God does for me... and when I sit down, to try let others know that our life is heavy and hard and some days are beautiful and some days are just a slow drudge to bedtime... I forget that I have BOOKS I can write on God and His overwhelmingly abundant goodness and faithfulness.
I spent some time over the weekend adding rocks to my rock jar. It was such an amazing encouragement and reminder about how God truly is carrying me through...guiding me, protecting me, providing for me, and loving me.
So here I am. Typing again... but this time, instead of trying to make this post about me and my life... I'm going to tell you about my God.
 He has a plan.
I know that sounds crazy...especially to those who are looking at my life and trying to figure out what that is...
I'll give you a tip... don't. I don't know what God is doing. I just know He is doing something.
And it will be amazing.

How do I know my God has a plan?

Sometimes it's small things.

He uses.
People: I get about 4-5 emails/texts/calls/letters/messages a week telling me about how God has used my story, my life, my testimony to teach someone else about Him, or to encourage someone. I always shake my head a little because these notes are always so encouraging to me. God uses these people, who in essence are thanking me for loving God and sharing about Him, to encourage me to continue; they spur me on...give me added endurance and perseverance.

God has allowed me the opportunity to speak a few times this year. To share my life and my story... to tell about how amazingly He has held us in the midst of hard things. God has allowed me the opportunity to process and think on what He is doing and He has provided me with experience and knowledge in Him to share with others. By spending the time preparing to speak and by delving into what God is showing me He reminds me how much He has taken care of me and how much He provides and loves me.

Not just me, but my family, have had some amazing opportunities to share about Christ. With people all around, bringing meals, bringing gifts, spending time visiting, aiding in caring for Andy and being in and out of the house all day we have been surrounded by people. When you are around people so often they see how you live, really live...and some of these people do not believe in Jesus Christ. They have seen our lives, our situation. They see us dealing with death and sorrow and pain... but more than that they see these things.. they see Hope, and Peace... and Joy and laughter. And they are able to see these things because we know the only Son of God... and we have put our faith in Jesus.

My children are watching me - everyday - deal with some hard things. They are too young to understand the weight and gravity of what is going on around them, but I know they are taking it all in. They are absorbing awesome truths about God. Rigg and Ryder are learning that what they are being taught in church, what mommy tells them at home, the stories they hear in bible study... are true, proving in some small and in some very big ways that God is real and can be trusted.

He provides.
This past year has been filled with both some of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with as well as some of the most amazing things I have seen.
God provides in both.
 Last week Andy was having a great day... and then it was time for me to leave - go home and put the boys to bed. When I told the Captain we were going to go, he threw his covers back and reached for me, as if he wanted to try to go with us. I told him he had to stay and he was confused. Long story short, he had forgotten he was sick... I had to tell him. The news hit him like a ton of bricks. He was heartbroken...inconsolable for 20 minutes or so. Those 20 minutes were some of the hardest minutes I have ever had to live through. To watch him realize he was dying... to completely understand all the details and ramifications and then trying to comfort and console him was so hard. However, later, I realized what a precious gift those few moments had been. It was in those hard minutes that I was able to speak to him, really say things to him that I may never have another chance to say... he was all there, fully aware and that doesn't happen often. And for that moment in time he and I were able to grieve together, and I didn't feel alone. God gave us that, and I am forever grateful.

Also this year God has continually provided for my monetary needs. I have had design job after design job fall into my lap! As well as the trust to help pay bills and other expenses (new air conditioner and furnace)
And then you might remember the week from... well it was not a good week.   And at the end of said week I totaled my van. Well God stepped in in a huge way by providing a brand new car for me.
 Ephesians 3:20-21.
 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

He blesses.
See above about BRAND NEW CAR.
I have also been blessed by getting my home cleaned once a week. You might remember last year I mentioned that it was the best gift ever... I stand by that comment (although this year I do have a competing new car...)
This year has been filled with food. Meals coming from anyone and everyone! What a gift! To not worry about dinner, or shopping and making dinner is such a blessing, giving time and comfort to all of us. Along with the food, we have been the recipients of gift cards and care packages that all bring smiles and encouragement as well as help lighten the load.
And who can forget the fund that was set up to send the Captain on a trip to Colorado.
We hit our trip goal in under 6 hours! It was incredible. Not only did we go on the trip and have a great time... the fund remains open to help fund other needs. God has prompted people to be abundantly generous.

Because of all of these amazing things I can say with overwhelming confidence that,
He loves.
He is faithful.
In each and every circumstance this past year... in the good things, in the hard things, in the confusing things and in the joyous things... God has been there. Every moment has His almighty and powerful fingerprints all over them.
God has a plan for my life... He is using each day to teach me about Himself. He provides in astounding ways for me. My God blesses and gives and stuffs every inch of my life with His goodness and grace.
And He has allowed me to peek into His ways and see glimpses of what He is doing. He is not done... He does big amazing things... He is continuing to work in my family... in my life, in the Captain's life... and I have every intention of letting go and letting Him do His thing.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

About the boys

It's been over a month since I've posted.
A lot has happened... and a lot has stayed the same.
I'll start with a brief update on Andy. I never know how to properly answer the question of how he is doing.
Because the honest answer is, slowly dying.
However, in that are moments of laughter, joy, tears, heartache, pain, sleep, alertness, conversation, prayers... ups and downs.
Andy cannot talk, hasn't been able to say words or carry a conversation since May of this year... but he can still communicate, with his eyes, hand motions... nodding... he still shows us he is still there and loving us.
Today marks a week since he has been out of bed. He has been taking all meals (when he wants them) and all baths in bed. He is getting weaker, sleeping more, skipping meals and showing less interest in things.
Slowly fading.
Yet, still has moments of pure Captain.
We cherish those.
I often get asked how the boys are.
Again, a hard question to answer. Because they tow the line and throw fits and get attitudes... but where do you decipher if these things are from abnormalities in their lives or because they are 3 and 5? I am not sure. So I try to be firm, consistent, gracious and caring... but even under normal circumstances parenting is a monumental task that takes more then what we know how to give.
God continues to be gracious and merciful to me and my boys. There are many moments of laughter and joy and sweetness... which helps in the moments of screaming and disobedience.  :)
Rigg seems to get and really be processing all that is going on. He talks about remembering when His daddy was home and walking and talking. He knows that most daddies are not sick. He also knows that his daddy is going to Heaven soon. He commented the other day to a visitor who was speaking to Andy, "Daddy can't talk because he is sick, he won't get better until he gets to Heaven."
It's in those moments that I am both saddened and in awe.
Saddened that at 5, he has to know and understand these things... and in awe because he does know and understand these things... and believes them and trusts in them.
Faith like a child.
Rigg and I have good talks... ones that leave me hopeful for the man he will become and thankful for a God who has provided hope and truth for me to teach my children.
Ryder doesn't question much... but is usually a willing bystander to all the deep convos Rigg and I have. He takes it all in, and where Rigg questions everything, trying to understand and get a grip on all the new knowledge, Ryder just accepts it all as true. They are so different. Ryder is a cuddle bug.
 He wants to hug and snuggle and touch and be too close. Some days it's fantastic... some days Mama just needs more space and less touching... everyday he wins me over with his charm and adorableness.
Ryder brings laughter and silliness. It rubs off on Rigg, and then they both get lost for a time in just being little boys who are too loud and too rough and say the words poop and fart too much.
Mixed blessings. :)

 I've been trying to take time to go out with just them for something fun. Cupcake dates, mac and cheese lunches at a sit down restaurant, hikes through the park... times where we can sit and talk about important things... and nothing at all... or all things silly and little boy. I want them to know I love them, enjoy them, and have time for them.

Rigg and Ryder both LOVE superheroes. They pretended to be transformers...rescue bots, Superman, Spiderman, The Hulk, Captain America, and any and every other super hero you can name. They wrestle and save the world from bad guys
I am either the most hunted or the safest lady around... I'm still not sure which, because all day I am, both,  being threatened by imaginary bad guys as well as being saved by very real and very short super heroes.
They are cute though, so I don't complain.

We went to a festival a couple weekends ago and Marines were collecting for Toys for Tots. As I was digging for my wallet I told the boys that they were going to get a chance to meet some real superheroes, who wear real superhero outfits and fight off real bad guys. The boys were so excited... the Marines were so kind to my little guys.

The days are a mix of really normal and very hard.
And any and all things in between.
But I am clinging to the promise that God is using this for His glory and His purpose.
I continue to pray that my boys will be drawn closer to God because of this hard thing in their lives and that God would magnify Himself in their hearts.
Apart from their salvation in Christ this is my biggest prayer for my sons... that the death of their daddy would not drive them from Christ but firmly draw them to Him.

Friday, October 10, 2014


No joke.
I've been sitting here staring at the blank page for over 20 minutes... drinking coffee and trying to think of something, with a meaningful point, to write about.
I have come up with nothing.
So I thought I would just start typing and see where it leads. Such planning and forethought is inspiring, no?
It's the first day in over 3 weeks that I am home without the boys and have no plans for my day. It's freeing and stressful all at once. I have the freedom to do nothing and rest... but I have a list of things a mile long to do, and the undone-ness of it all is staring me in the face... which in turn is stressful.
The past week (maybe two, but my brain doesn't function properly anymore so who knows) have been difficult. The Captain is declining at a steady rate. So much so, his hospice nurse thought he would pass last weekend... but then he rebounds a bit and is up, laughing and eating... so it is still incredibly uncertain as to what to expect.
Life for me right now looks incredibly strange. On one hand, I look and live part of my days as a single mother, trying to get housework done, trying to raise boys, trying to learn how to do life on my own. And on the other hand I am a married woman... traveling to see my husband, spend time with him, make sure he sees the boys, that the boys hug and see him... striving to make decisions based on what Andy would want.
It is a weird and abnormal balance.
I was chatting with my Father-In-Law the other day about Andy. More specifically how I am dealing/grieving. I told him that it has been so long... well over 2 years since I have had the Andy I knew. And even before that... the Captain changed so much after Caden's death, I have been slowly grieving the loss of My Andy for a very, very long time. So even though watching him these past few months has been difficult, I feel like I have been in the midst of losing him for much longer.
I remember hanging out with a friend and her family around this same time last year. Seeing her and her husband interact, watching how involved and interactive he was with her and his kids was heartbreaking for me... it was that experience that made me fully realize that I no longer had that with Andy. And it broke my heart. I remember crying for days... I grieved then. It wasn't his fault... it was the cancer. And we both had been living so close to it for so long that I didn't even realize life was as  hard and as different as it had been, until I got some new perspective. I look back on that time of realization and grieving as a blessing. God has allowed me to see, and process, and grieve slowly... and still be able to sit next to and hold Andy's warm hand... and that is not something I was able to do after losing Caden. To ache for something that is gone and not be able to have comfort is so hard. God has given me time to have both simultaneously with the Captain. 
Andy and I made the decision for him to go and live his final days at his parents home a long time ago, when he was still fully capable of making that decision. When we discussed it, we knew we wanted to protect our boys from seeing things that could change them forever, maybe even tarnish the memory of their daddy. We did it out of love. We chose a hard thing for us, so they could have more peace and freedom.
It hit me just the other day that my in-law's are doing the same thing for me.
I struggle, so much, with wanting to do more.... be with Andy more. On one hand I feel like I need to be with my boys as much as possible. I do not want them to feel like they have lost both parents at once. On the other hand, I feel like I do not spend enough time helping out and being with Andy. It is something I struggle with everyday. But as I was sorting through things in my mind the other day, I realized that my sweet Mother-in-law and Father-in-law, by taking Andy in, caring for him and allowing me to care for my kids, have protected me from seeing and experiencing things with my husband that could change my memory of him...
I am aware that some women in my situation never have the choice, and have to be the caretaker... and I think God honors and blesses that. But I am so thankful that I have family that loves me, cares for me and allows me the freedom to care for my sons.
I was sitting next to Andy the other day, wondering what God was doing... wondering why Andy had to have days where he is in pain, why God allows people to linger when they are in such a state. (not super pretty thoughts, but real) And I was gently reminded that God has a plan and purpose for all things... even the hard and painful things. He uses the things in our lives to teach us, as well as teach others, who are watching from a distance. He is a God who wastes nothing. I might not fully understand or see what God is doing in these hard and final days... But God has a perfect and Holy plan. And because I trust God, I choose to lay my uncertainness, my doubt, my heartache down at His feet over and over again.
I am actively leaning into the only One who can make all of this beautiful.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
 For our momentary, light suffering is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison  because we are not looking at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen. For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.
Romans 8:37-39
No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us!   For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Monday, September 29, 2014

with a thankful heart

You might have heard about me totaling my van.
If not... guess what?
 I totaled my van.
Which is unfortunate, because it was a good van. Got me from A to B. It fit all my stuff. It had low miles and had been my grandparents before it was mine. Whenever I saw it I still thought of it as "Paw's van".
But then one sunny day I turned in front of a nice man in a shiny white car ensuring the end of my "Paw's van"-driving days.
I banged up my arm pretty badly... went to get an X-ray to make sure what I was certain was just a bad bruise, was in fact,  just a bad bruise...
It was.
I got a rental and started the process of finding a new car... and trying to decide how much I was willing/able to spend.
One of the things I was concerned about was reliability. No longer having Andy around to maintain and care for my car, as well as shovel me out when the weather gets bad (which it does), I wanted a car I could trust to hold up for a bit... and trample over snow so I do not have to labor my way out of my own driveway on cold, snowy mornings.
One of the things I have come to realize since the Captain has become sick enough to not help make decisions... is being the sole person who decides things for your family is a really big responsibility.
I was worried about making the right decision... I was concerned about the money I was going to have to spend... I was a bit over my head in all things car as well... I know what's pretty... but what is reliable? What is a good deal? What kind of used car will hold up?
Then one day, in the midst of my indecisiveness about a car, I get a phone call from my Pastor. He tells me that someone, who wishes to remain anonymous, heard about my van wrecking ways and wanted to buy me a car.
There was silence on my end... stunned, awe-struck silence.
He went on to explain that the giver wanted to make sure I wouldn't have to worry about my car for awhile... and that it would hold up in winter weather, so they had done some research and wanted to give me a certain sum that would buy me a BRAND NEW CAR.
AGAIN: There was silence on my end... stunned, awe-struck silence.
I spend the next few days chewing on this information. Feeling very undeserving... very humbled by the gift.
My first inclination when given a large sum of money is to spend just as much as I need... and save the rest. So I considered buying a really nice used car and putting the rest of the money in the trust that has been set up for our family. However, after talking with a few people... who stated, if they had given someone enough money to purchase a new car, they would want the money to go toward a brand new car, I started to consider going against my first inclination.
So, the next Sunday I asked my Pastor, (who is the only person who knows who the giver is, and the only one who has spoken with them) what was the giver's intention? I wanted to know if they wanted me to get a decent car... or if they intended for me to spend the money on a brand new car.
He said his impression was that they wanted me to buy a brand new car.
After many days and a lot of praying... I decided to honor the intention of the gift.
So after a few days, and the money being filtered into the trust by a third party to keep the giver completely anonymous, I went out and bought

It's a gorgeous black 2014 Nissan Murano.
And it's gorgeous...
did I mention it's gorgeous?

Since the money had been put into the trust, my trustee had to come out to write the check... Ken even wore a smile as he wrote it out.

Since the purchase, I keep crying while I drive it... that, or I'm annoyingly joyful.
Some days I feel like it is the happiest, bestest thing ever, to breathe in that new-car smell, play with all the fancy gadgets...
and some days I am completely overwhelmed by the weight of the gift. I feel wholly undeserving...but on those days I try to remind myself that I have an even bigger, weightier and more undeserving gift in my salvation... I ponder how often I feel the weight of the gift God gave in His son Jesus. I have spent many hours, driving my new car, thanking God for saving me... all because someone bought me a new car.

Because I do not know who gave me such an awesome gift... I do not know who to thank...
I spent some time making signs...

So we could snap a pic and send it back to the person who was so gracious and giving.

 To the Giver: we are overwhelmed with gratitude.
Love: a thankful heart.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Heaven Day

Each year on the anniversary of Caden's death we celebrate Heaven Day.
We gather together with friends and family and send up sky lanterns.
The past two years we have attached tags and labeled them with names of loved ones already experiencing the Joy of Heaven.

This came about because I wanted to teach my boys about death and God's promises to us. I wanted to teach them that for a believer, death meant Heaven... which is something to rejoice over.
Our culture revels in gory and macabre of death. It exults zombies and all things creepy and scary on Halloween... but my children have death and the effects of it in front of their eyes daily. They see pictures of their sweet sister on our walls... they see their daddy silently struggle each visit. I want Rigg and Ryder to know, in the very depths of their hearts, that for a follower of Jesus... to die is to gain EVERYTHING.
As I stated before:
So each year, as we reflect on the day that God turned our faces to Him by gently taking our precious girl... we celebrate.
We celebrate that Jesus came to earth and died on the cross as payment for our sin.
We celebrate that because of that work Christ did on the cross we can go to Heaven when we die.
We celebrate that Caden is in Heaven living a far better and richer life than she ever could have here.
We celebrate that we can know that we will see her again.
And this year
We celebrate because we know that in the midst of our hurt and suffering watching the Captain labor under the weight of cancer, he will see Christ.
And he will see sweet Caden.
Here is what I shared on Facebook:
Today is Heaven Day. 6 years ago today my sweet baby girl went to be with Jesus. Caden Joelle was 2 days shy of 8 months old. Today my heart aches with missing her and rejoices that she is in Heaven with her savior, where I firmly believe she is LIVING a fuller, richer and better LIFE than she ever could have here. And although I miss her, I know for certain I will see her again because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ. So although today marks the day that she left, I choose to celebrate that she is safe, loved, alive, and because of Christ I will live with her for all eternity. HAPPY HEAVEN DAY!
here are links to our previous Heaven Day celebrations and/or ponderings:

Saturday, September 20, 2014

A much needed update

Many apologies for the delay in a post. The past few weeks have been full.. and a little bit nuts.
To help make up for my silence, I have jam packed this post full of pictures.
Because this post has pictures from the past 3-4 weeks, it is important for me to note that Andy has had a significant decline in this time period. Most of the pictures of him are from 2-3 weeks ago and he is not doing so well now.
I'll just start off with a medical update on the Captain: As of today he is sleeping well over 21 hours a day. When he is up it is just to eat or go to the restroom... hardly, if ever, is he awake to just be awake and chat. He has lost the ability to walk more then a step or two and is using the wheelchair for all his transportation needs. Andy's face is starting to swell and his legs and arms are looking more and more rail-like. The noise and happy chaos little boys bring is tolerated for shorter and shorter times. He loves to see and hug them...but quickly needs the quiet again. He is still eating...but not like he was. It's been hard to find a balance between my time there with him and taking care of the boys. Your prayers are still coveted. I should mention that we feel so loved and cared for at this time. The body of Christ is stepping up in huge ways and is very visible. Thank you for your prayers, meals, gifts and everything else you are doing to love, care and lift up my family.
Ryder is the kind of kid that has to touch things/people. He has been very involved in loving on and helping his Daddy. Most of the time it is ok, but sometimes Ryder can get a bit overwhelming in how close he wants to be. He has been a big helper and a bringer of many smiles when it comes to his daddy.
Both boys are always happy to see the Captain. Love and hugs are the first thing on the to-do list when we visit.

My boys have started school. (insert mix of happy dance and strangled sob)
They LOVE it too. Rigg and Ryder are both in pre-K. Different classes... but same time frames. The boys love school, their teachers and their new friends. It is not hard to get them up, dressed and out the door because they are excited for school each day.
These pictures are from their first day of school this year...needless to say they were a bit excited.

This picture just makes me laugh...  :)

A couple weeks ago things went from our normal crazy to a higher level of chaos.
One Friday morning we got a call that my Nana was very sick... at the time we not sure what was the cause, but we packed up the car and drove the 2+ hours to see her. About 45 minutes before we got there we get a call saying she needs emergency surgery and she will be airlifted... back where we started our journey.  :)  So we high-tailed it to her, gave her quick hugs and kisses, watched the helicopter take off with my beautiful Nana and hopped back in the car to drive the 2+ hours home. 

We got back just in time to see her before her emergency surgery. Then we hung out in the waiting room while the doctors fixed a hernia and removed almost half of her necrotic bowel.
Because my Nana lives in a small town she was airlifted to Indy. She's 86 and declared this to be the most exciting thing she's ever done. :) To which the pilot replied, "I hope to make the trip very boring."
The boys enjoyed the time spent with family while waiting for Nana to come out of surgery. We had the waiting room to ourselves so they were able to run and play without being a bother to others. 

Rigg is officially a big boy. He lost his first tooth during the "week of chaos" as I am lovingly coining it.
He did so well with the looseness and the pulling... And, if I am so bold as to say, the tooth fairy rocked her first stop at our house!

The day after Nana's surgery my dad started feeling poorly. About 4 days later my mom, a strongly worded call from my Aunt, and a nudge from me got him into the doctor... who said she was concerned and sent him to get blood work... where he almost passed out and they sent him to the ER... where they found out THE MAN HAD SEPSIS AND WAS IN KIDNEY FAILURE!

I tossed and turned and prayed for him all night long, very concerned and upset. They had him on IV's going as fast as possible and IV antibiotics.
The next morning the Doc said they caught it early on and he should recover just fine.
So when I got to the hospital the next day I punched him... then I hugged him.
He spent 3-4 days (I can't really remember) in the hospital before heading home... still on oral antibiotics. He seems to be recovering just fine... (just to be clear... I'd punch him again if he keeps me up tossing and turning)

Andy is sleeping more and more. Sometimes even a visit from me and the Chaos Crew doesn't really stir him. He needs his sleep and his quiet... it's just a hard thing to watch him fading slowly away.

I totaled my van. (frown)
I was headed to pic the boys up from preschool... and didn't see the nice man in his shiny white car.
The nice man and I both walked away with minor bruising... but his shiny white car was no longer shiny... or white. And my van was in sad shape.
The officers at the scene were crazy nice. A friend was right behind me when it happened, so she was able to square away my kiddos... and I took a trip to the ER and had a lovely picture taken (X-ray) of my left arm. It's just bruised (and crazy UGLY)
But all involved are just fine... except my van... which is no longer for this world. :(

The boys have been troopers. Granted they know no different then this constant craziness... but they are holding their own. I try to make time for each of them, take them to the park or the orchard, give them time to be little boys. They get more hugs then needed and they get more serious talks about Life, death and Heaven then preschoolers should... but they seem quasi-normal... which is all we can hope for most days.
God is taking good care of them.

Ryder is still very much his own person.

About 5 weeks ago we spent an hour or so getting extended-family pics taken. This is Andy's side of our family. They turned out great.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all the prayers, meals, visits, calls, love and encouragement. Our family feels very loved and cared for. We know our God is good, that He is big and that He has a plan for this. God is using Andy, his cancer and our family in big and little ways... and the awesome thing is God is gracious enough to give us small glimpses of how He is using it. We rest in the knowledge that God loves us, cares for us and is bringing Himself glory through this.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever, to Him alone does great wonders, His love endures forever. He remembered us in our low estate. His love endures forever.
Psalm 136: 1,4,23

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Family pictures

Back in the very beginning of  July we got all dolled up and had our pictures taken.
You might remember the last time we got pictures taken... I LOVE these because this was when Andy was still Andy... when he was walking and talking and throwing the boys around. These pictures hang in my bedroom and I see them everyday.
And these new pictures are no different... I am in love with these too... probably because this was one of the final times the Captain was really feeling ok... and because these are most likely our very last family pictures ever.
 Rachel Vanoven is the talent behind the lens. She was fantastic. I cannot say enough about these pictures, about how they capture the boys personalities... about how I am SO THANKFUL that I have ones of Andy with the boys, with me...
about how The Captain smiled and cried when he saw them.

She took  A TON... so I have lovingly narrowed it down to 16 for your viewing pleasure.


~swoon~ ... right?