tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28548229661789499822024-03-13T08:38:14.215-04:00To bring Him glory...Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.comBlogger520125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-45225781381838755042015-12-21T09:47:00.003-05:002015-12-21T09:48:39.915-05:00This year<br />
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I am not in the habit of creating and distributing Christmas Cards each year.</div>
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I'm a huge fan of the practice; I love getting them from friends... however, I can never seem to think about such things in a timely manner...</div>
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Although, if I were to send out a yearly Christmas greeting, I think I would lean toward the Christmas news letter... letting all know what we have been up to and how we have been fairing.</div>
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Then it occurred to me... I may not have been punctual enough to print and mail-out such news, but I can certainly write it all out here.</div>
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So, for all who would delight in receiving a Christmas shout-out from my family to yours, please consider this post to fill that gap. </div>
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This year has been hard.</div>
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I do not say that so you are pained for us... hard is just that... hard.</div>
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Some things are hard and painful... others are hard with great reward in their wake... hard does not in and of itself indicate bad... just... not easy.</div>
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This year has not been easy.</div>
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It has been hard to learn to live in a world without the Captain. There are so many wonderful and different things in our lives today then there were the last time I saw him. I wish very much to share those things with him. It has been hard to celebrate and push on without him by our side.</div>
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His absence some days is profound...and some days I feel as though I've been doing things solo for much longer than a year. Each and every thing that has occurred this past year (and most of it has been good, truly good) has had a tinge of sadness because Andy is not with us. And although that is sad... we are still in the process of learning. Learning how to deal, how to live, how to adjust in this: our new normal. </div>
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Hard things are not solely bad things... they just take effort, time, and work. This year has taken all of those things... and it has been filled with joy, laughter and amazing things...but each of those amazing things have been wrapped in a layer of wistful longing; an ache because of our loss. </div>
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And that is hard</div>
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Here are a few of the things we did this year.<br />
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Our little house got some TLC in February when I updated my kitchen.<br />
This was a big deal...as we lived in a construction zone for awhile. But In the end it turned out beautifully.<br />
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The boys and I were able to visit my sister and her family in May. It was the boys' first plane ride and my first time taking them on a long trip... in order to save my own sanity... I made my parents come with me. We enjoyed some family time together... went out to eat.. went to the beach.<br />
And since our whole family was going to be together in Anaheim... we went to Disney Land.<br />
And it was awesome.<br />
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Rigg rode his first grown-up roller coaster... and loved it. Ryder cried for an hour because he was 3 inches too short to go. I tried to buy him off with ice cream... because that's real life.<br />
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Ring mentioned, as we were standing in line for The Pirates of the Caribbean ride for the 3rd time, that he wished daddy could have come with us. I told him I bet daddy would have loved to be there... but Heaven was even better than Disney Land, and one day we get to go to Heaven too. These are truths I am trying to set deeply in my boys hearts.<br />
Most days we try to balance the tension between hopeful joy and grief... and most days it's a little hard. But I have seen God's grace and faithfulness to me in each day.<br />
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Rigg and Ryder may not know... but they have been the biggest help to me this past year. Together the three of us are learning how to press on without Andy. Both of the boys are so young that they do not fully recognize the struggle... but I do. And having them to keep my hands and my mind busy has been a wonderful gift. They bring joy, laughter and so much purpose into my days. My boys are a gift and blessing to my soul.</div>
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I (officially) started my own business this year.</div>
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I have been working in the interior design industry for awhile now... but this year my business exploded. God has graciously plopped amazing projects in my lap...and I could not be more delighted... even if I do seem frazzled at times because of the newness a work schedule brings.</div>
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This has been a source of great joy and frustration for me. The work itself is amazing... the learning to run operate a business makes me ::shudder::.</div>
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Studio 6.2.6 is the result of God blessing me in a way that I could never dreamed up myself.<br />
I really love the work, but am still figuring out the balance of being a single, working mom. Again... hard. (but really, soooo fun)</div>
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{<span style="font-size: x-small;">from Instagram: </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;">From where does the name Studio 6.2.6 derive? It's numbers represent Matthew 6:26 'look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?' This was Andy's favorite verse. He loved talking about how he saw God care for us in our hardest and darkest times. This business I see as God's provision for me; for income, for purpose, for a fun creative outlet. God has given this to me because He cares for me and is taking care of me. That's where 6.2.6 comes from. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;">Combining it with Studio just sounded super rad. 😉.... Now you know!}</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.studio626design.com/">www.studio626design.com</a></div>
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I have also been figuring out how to be a mom, well a better, more present mom. It is something I think about daily. Learning to balance work and parenthood has been a struggle for me. God has blessed me with more help then I could have asked for. My sister-in-law, my mother, my mother-in-law all are weekly go-to's for me. I could not do it all without them. But there is still a tug on my heart to be more present in my boy's days. Which is difficult when you work. </div>
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Being a single parent is hard.</div>
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But God.</div>
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God has poured grace and mercy over my days. He has provided all of my needs... and a lot of my wants this past year. His faithfulness not only never waivers, but continues to amaze. Even on my hardest days I am graciously reminded of His constant love and care for me and my boy's. </div>
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I was asked to speak a a couple events this year. I adore being a squeaky wheel about how amazing and real God is; about His faithfulness in every situation. Being able to speak and share my story, which is really God's story, was such a gift to me. I feel like I have learned a lot over the past 7 years. God has been pouring truth and knowledge about Himself into my heart, to be able to share those things with others is a humbling and awesome thing.</div>
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Rigg:<br />
Ring turned 6 this year in June.<br />
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He loves school... and I know -I KNOW- every parent says this... but the kid is smart. He is learning to read, write... do math. He loves a good puzzle or maze, builds legos like a champ, and is learning to master Super Mario World on the Wii.<br />
Rigg is grasping onto truths of God and Heaven in ways that are amazing to watch... the trust and complete faith he has in God's word encourages me in my own faith.<br />
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Ryder:<br />
Ryder turned 4 this year.<br />
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He loves to dress up like super hero's and fight all the bad guys. He loves school and tries with all his might to keep up with his brother. Ryder is active and talks all.the.time. I mean, all the time. The kid is never silent. He is talking or singing or humming... and he has a spectacular imagination. Ryder is ornery and mischievous and gives you all the grey hairs one minute... and the very next he is the sweetest most polite child you've ever seen. Ryder does not live in the in-between... he is an extreamest.<br />
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So that's us.<br />
2015 was hard... in both good and painful ways.<br />
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It was, as they say in sports, a rebuilding year.<br />
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When I look back over this year, the primary thing I see is not the pain, the grief or the hard... it's God's abundant faithfulness and lovingkindness toward me. I have been in need this year. I needed comforted, I needed peace and calmness... I needed help, work, money, wisdom, discernment and understanding.<br />
God, because of His overwhelming love and care for me has provided everything that I needed. He poured out Himself into my life... into my days and into my moments.<br />
He has taken good care of me.<br />
When I look back over 2015 I see how God carried me through and paved a way for us to press on.<br />
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This year has been hard.<br />
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But this year has also been amazing.<br />
It's always amazing to watch God work.<br />
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And because I have witnessed His awesome care for me this, of all years... I know next year will be no different.<br />
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I do not know what next year holds... I do not know if it will be easier, or harder, or if these hard days are just our new normal for awhile... but really that doesn't even matter. Because whatever is in my future I know it will be OK... Because I have seen the faithfulness of my loving Savior...<br />
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And i know it never fails.</div>
<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D2854822966178949982%23editor%2Ftarget%3Dpost%3BpostID%3D4522578138183875504%3BonPublishedMenu%3Dposts%3BonClosedMenu%3Dposts%3BpostNum%3D0%3Bsrc%3Dlink&media=https%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-vhfRRBebZ4c%2FVngF07dIt6I%2FAAAAAAAAFWM%2F2C-7JaJZZ_c%2Fs640%2FIMG_6790.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=q4Z18RogbCRY&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 42px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 12269px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><br />
<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D2854822966178949982%23editor%2Ftarget%3Dpost%3BpostID%3D4522578138183875504%3BonPublishedMenu%3Dposts%3BonClosedMenu%3Dposts%3BpostNum%3D0%3Bsrc%3Dlink&media=https%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-t4s_mprsdXw%2FVngEAEsmdQI%2FAAAAAAAAFU0%2FCVLCG5HhXC0%2Fs640%2FIMG_7960.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=q4Z18RogbCRY&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 42px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 2838px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D2854822966178949982%23editor%2Ftarget%3Dpost%3BpostID%3D4522578138183875504%3BonPublishedMenu%3Dposts%3BonClosedMenu%3Dposts%3BpostNum%3D0%3Bsrc%3Dlink&media=https%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-t4s_mprsdXw%2FVngEAEsmdQI%2FAAAAAAAAFU0%2FCVLCG5HhXC0%2Fs640%2FIMG_7960.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=q4Z18RogbCRY&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 42px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 2838px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a>Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-52862001440101039252015-11-12T20:32:00.001-05:002015-11-12T20:32:23.466-05:00Sometimes I preach to myself.<br />
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It's only been forever.</div>
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Ok...only almost 4 months. </div>
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So this would technically be a breakfast of sorts... Since I am breaking my fast of silence on this blog... (or something less nerdy??) </div>
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Life has been fuller, busier than I expected. I'm talking of that time just before Andy died and I was picturing what my life would look like without him. I thought life would slow down.</div>
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You would think that being almost 34, and treading through the past few years that I have, I would have known better.</div>
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I was/am still surprised by how the days zoom by.</div>
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My life today is the same as it was 6 months ago.... But in many, many ways it's so very different.</div>
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I had a moment a couple months ago. I had a very full and busy 2 weeks; full of work meetings and new clients. In the midst of this whirlwind of new, I realized that I was spending my time and days with people who only knew me as a widow... only knew the Cari without Andy. Only knew me as a single, working mom. And this realization hit hard. I started to mentally process through what I had already been living.</div>
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My life was moving forward... I was pressing on.</div>
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And my days, my time, my life looked different than it had before.</div>
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I was a different person.</div>
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Maybe not in big, personality-changing type ways... but different enough that if I met a new person... they would not know the "old" me unless I told my story.</div>
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Processing this was a big moment in my grieving. My days didn't look any different than they had been... but my mind finally caught up to my reality. And as my mind played catch-up, my heart hurt a little... knowing it was just one more step away from Andy.</div>
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That's the way grieving goes. As life continues, as the days keep coming, you get further and further from the person who is gone. Those steps hurt. Because they increase the absence of Andy. </div>
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I do not like thinking of myself as a widow. I do not like thinking of myself as a single mom. Both of those titles are heavy. Both hurt my heart to say.</div>
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Both seem like something that would happen to someone else.</div>
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But they happened to me.</div>
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I am a widow.</div>
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I am a single mom.</div>
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I am only surviving under the weight of these roles because of the grace and mercy of my faithful God.</div>
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I spoke with a friend to day and told her that the past few days have worn me down. I'm stressed and I am barely keeping my head above water. </div>
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On days like these I preach to myself.</div>
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I preach the lessons I have (supposedly) learned. I preach the lessons I need to relearn; the lessons I need to bury in my heart.</div>
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I remember, when the Captain was in hospice, people used to ask me how the boys were holding up.</div>
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My response was 'They are doing OK. Something like this, the death of a father, is always hard for us to understand. But I firmly believe that my God is all-knowing and all-powerful. And because of that, I have an unwavering belief that He created my boys knowing full well what they would have to endure; how they would have to live. And with that knowledge I believe that He made them not only to be able to endure living a life without their dad... but to do it well.'</div>
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And I still hold unwaveringly to this principle.</div>
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And I believe it about myself.</div>
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My loving God knew. He knew I would marry a man I would only get to spend a brief time with. He knew I would lose a baby girl. He knew I would have to care for a sick and dying husband. He knew I would be responsible for raising two young boys. HE KNEW.</div>
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He knew all of these things before He ever made me. And when He made me, my God created me in such a way that I would not only be able to carry the burden of these things... not only be able to live through them and walk the special road He has for me... but to do it well.</div>
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On days like today. This is the truth I preach to myself. That God created me to live the life He chose to give me. And my God has provided each and every thing that I might need to live this life well. He has given me the truth of His word. He has provided family and friends to aid me wherever I cannot do it alone. He has poured grace down upon my days. He has brought joy and laughter. My sweet Savior has taken care of not only my physical needs but also my heart.</div>
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With all that I have been so abundantly given, I can live this life well.</div>
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And so I preach.</div>
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Because I need to remind myself of the truth. </div>
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So today. I am taking big, deep breathes and reminding myself that this, lovely, joyful, sorrowful, blessed, sometimes hectic, chaotic, busy, whirlwind of a life is the one I have been chosen for, and I can live it well... not because of me but because of Him.</div>
Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-86575725955902834872015-07-23T21:01:00.004-04:002015-07-23T21:04:51.117-04:00The surrender<br />
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Time is a gift in many ways. Time with people is a gift... but the passing of time can be a gift from God to help heal... to help bring comfort and peace... if used wisely, time can make strong the weak, build trust where once there was doubt, bring acceptance where before there was only denial. </div>
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In both of the hard things I have faced, God has blessed me with time to process and time to grieve. </div>
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With Caden, that time was after she died. I was a stay at home mom with no baby to care for. I had months, weeks, days... hours to read, pray, sit and think. God gave me that time. When I was in the midst of my pain and suffering, in those days right after we buried my baby girl... when I was ankle deep in my own tears... it felt like torture. The pain of heartbreak is so real, so powerful that is grips your heart, throbbing in your chest radiating out to your fingertips. I remember that feeling. I remember throwing a book across the room because its sweet truth was too much for me to absorb. I remember collapsing on the steps of my church under the cross my own father had built sobbing to God about how much it hurt...about how much the absence of Caden physically hurt me.</div>
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I remember reading of other's pain.. of other's losses. In those stories I saw how God was using their lives, how they could see His beauty and plan... how they viewed their own pain. And it helped me focus; helped me gain a footing and see my life with fresh eyes.</div>
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God gave me time. </div>
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And in that time after Caden's death He taught me... He did not answer all of my questions. But He taught me more about Himself. He taught me more about me. He taught me more about how I am to live, respond... behave and obey.</div>
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And in those things...my God brought me peace and comfort. He brought me healing. He gave me more wisdom and discernment over my own life.</div>
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He proved to me He was faithful and could be trusted with the most precious... most important things.</div>
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With the Captain, my time of grieving was sprinkled throughout years.</div>
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I look back and see I grieved a small part of my husband after Caden died. The death of a child changes every parent... I'm sure I changed too... But I watched Andy lose a part of himself that I never saw him regain; a childlike joy... a playfulness. This side of him slowly slipped into the background. That was almost 7 years ago.</div>
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Then November of 2012 Andy had his second surgery. He recovered for a brief time... then radiation took his strength and energy. Then chemo took more. Then the tumor itself took his speech and his mobility. And for 2 years I watched my Andy... my husband... my Captain slowly fade and slip from me. </div>
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In those 2 years I slowly grieved each step, each stage, each fade, each slip. And unlike grieving over Caden, where we did it together... because of the cancer and his condition, I felt like I was grieving alone. I was missing and hurting over the loss of a person still with me. And there is a small measure of guilt that comes with that... one that I took to Christ... shared my heart with my Savior and was comforted.</div>
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One of the greatest things I realized as I was walking through the grief of losing Andy, was that God had allowed me to remember most of what I had learned walking through my grief of Caden. I still had to deal with my feelings, I still had to walk the path set before me... but the lessons of who God is, who I am in Christ, what He has promised... all the truths I clung to in my life during the most horrendous moments of pain and suffering... those things He preserved in me.</div>
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Not to say that going through the death of my husband was easier... it was not. Not in the since of the loss, or in the missing of the person, or in the pain.</div>
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But because of everything God taught me through the death of Caden... because of everything I had already set my heart upon... because of all the truths I had chosen to believe; the promises I had already hidden in my heart...because of these things, the decision to allow God to do with my life what He willed was easier.</div>
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The surrender.</div>
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I am still, daily, working through my grief. Some days it comes as tears. Some days it comes as short-tempered responses to my boys. Some days it's silent prayers of thankfulness and leaning into grace. </div>
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I am blessed to have a God who gives graciously to me more that I could ever ask or imagine.</div>
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I am grateful to a Savior who loves and cares for me in the tiny, little day-to-day-ness of life. </div>
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I am thankful for a Hope that puts all the hurt of this life into the proper perspective.</div>
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And I am joyful to a Redeemer who has taken the time to carry me through and gently nudge me towards living with open arms.</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-71620569176315113242015-04-10T10:44:00.003-04:002015-04-10T10:44:48.155-04:00taken care of<div align="center">
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You know when you have a closet that's full? I mean, just crammed full of everything you tried to hide or didn't want to mess with? And you know that feeling of needing to clean it out... but just putting it off because it seems too big for today?</div>
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And the longer you wait, the more stuff that closet accumulates... so the clean-up gets bigger and bigger...</div>
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That's how I've been feeling about this blog. I want to write. To sit down and pour my heart into words that my heart and my mind have been feeling. To share what God is doing, what I am learning... How I've seen Him provide. I want to show you pictures and tell you how my boys are...</div>
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and life is busy, so I haven't given this blog my time.</div>
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and now I have SO much... and the task seems too big.</div>
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So I'm going to cut myself some slack... and I'm not going to try to play catch-up. I'm not even going to give you pictures in this post. </div>
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This is me, opening the door... and starting to get it done.</div>
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I've been learning how to live in a world without the Captain.</div>
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It's not easy.</div>
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More often than not, I am busy, surrounded by people... but I feel alone.</div>
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After being with Andy for over 10 years, I am relearning how to function as a single unit.</div>
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My boys help, family helps, friends help... but it is still an adjustment.</div>
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One that makes me miss him so much. </div>
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When Andy was sick I struggled to remember him as a strong healthy man. I remember scouring through videos just to watch him walk... to remember how he moved. I could not remember his voice... so the videos were precious remainders not only of his strength and movement... but of his sound, his smile... his joy.</div>
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Now, I have to work to remember him sick. When Andy comes to mind he is healthy, strong... it's bittersweet. I love knowing that my brain can hang on to who he was... but as each memory surfaces I grieve over it. Because it magnifies, just a little bit more, what has been taken out of my life. </div>
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On the flip side of that, I know in my heart that God provided me with Andy for 10 years. To help me, to teach me, to share live and responsibilities with me... and I know now that my husband is no longer here God will fill those gaps with other good things... He will provide those things for me in different ways.</div>
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But a girl has to get use to the changes... and some of those ways God will fill those gaps... might just be with my own hands and my own time.</div>
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I, possibly naively, thought that "after" might be easier. I wouldn't have to watch him suffer... wouldn't be stretching my days between boys and Andy. I knew that grief would come, but in my mind I separated the emotional from the physical...</div>
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I have since discovered that the "after" has been harder than I expected. Not the grief over the loss of Andy... that has been about what I expected... but the areas I could not know of until I lived them. The Captain was gone from our home for 6 months before he died. But it wasn't until after he was gone that I felt like a single parent. I struggle with managing my time. I feel stretched thin. I feel the weight of my boys discipline and upbringing lay heavy upon my shoulders. I press back the nagging doubt that I will be able to earn enough to support my family.</div>
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All of these things are valid thoughts...but they are only true concerns when I separate them from truth.</div>
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And the truth is... God will give me grace that is sufficient for each day... for each moment<em><span style="color: #444444;">.{<span class="bible-item-title-wrap">2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ </span>But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power <b>is</b> made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.}</span></em> God will provide all of my needs because He cares for me. <em><span style="color: #444444;">{<span class="passage-display-bcv">Philippians 4:19 </span></span></em><em><span class="text Phil-4-19" id="en-ESV-29445"><span style="color: #444444;">~ And my God <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-29445A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29445A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup>will supply every need of yours <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-29445B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29445B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.}</span></span> </em></div>
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God is in each breath of my day... each step I take, He is present. I need only to ask... only to take a pause and refocus to grasp what is needed... what is freely given; His power and His grace and His strength. <em><span style="color: #444444;">{<span class="bible-item-title-wrap">Philippians 4:13 ~ </span>I can do all things through him who strengthens me.}</span></em></div>
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<span style="color: black;">At the end of Andy's funeral, a message from Andy was read. The Captain stated that one of the top three happenings in his life was watching the church work together to love and support our family. God uses His people to show His love, His care, His gentle compassion. I have been privileged to witness first-hand the provision of God. I have never, not once, felt abandoned or over looked. I have never been lacking in a need, I have never been in want... because God abundantly provides.</span></div>
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He shows up and shows off.</div>
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and friends... My God is faithful, He does not change... He does not grow weary.</div>
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Because I know all of this to be true... I know that even though some days I feel the hard and I feel the heavy...</div>
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I know I have nothing to fear... I have no worry I cannot give to Him.</div>
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I am generously and abundantly taken care of.</div>
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<em><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span class="passage-display-bcv">{Matthew 6:26 ~ </span><span class="text Matt-6-26" id="en-ESV-23309"><span class="woj">Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-23309B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-23309B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>Are you not of more value than they?}</span></span></span></span></em></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-57452125682277553292015-02-06T10:02:00.002-05:002015-02-06T10:02:58.478-05:00Sovereign<br />
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After Caden died, I had this nagging fear that she would be forgotten... that no one would remember she lived... that no one would remember I was once the mommy of a sweet baby girl. I doubted God would provide what I wanted... I feared so many things because I was uncertain what my future held... I was uncertain that I could be truly joyful again... I feared... I was afraid. Grief does that... It magnifies things like fear and doubt.</div>
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I remember wanting to scream at people who would smile at my belly (when I was pregnant with Rigg). I wanted to shout that I had already had a child... I was not a first time mother... I had a baby. I didn't do that. It would have been rude to scream in strangers' faces... and more to the heart of the matter, although I wanted them to know, I didn't want to see the look on their face when I told them. So I kept quiet.</div>
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As it turns out. I have people who love me very much, and people who love you very much tend to remember when hard and life-changing events happen to you.</div>
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God proved Himself faithful to calm my heart and fill me with peace regarding so many things with Caden's death. </div>
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After Caden, I remember God showing me such wonderful things about Himself. He taught me that I could trust Him with the hardest things... He did this by providing for all my needs, big and small. By showing up in the strangest of places and reminding me He was with me. God proved His faithfulness to me and to every promise He declared in scripture. I found them all to be undeniably true.</div>
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Since then, I have rejoiced in the knowledge of things already learned... I have tried to remember the truths of His faithfulness...His graciousness to me. I strive to preach the things I know to myself so that I not only remember... but so that I can lean into them when I am weak.</div>
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God has allowed me to have a firm grasp on what He taught me through my grief with Caden, and because of that, this trial, this road I have walked alongside Andy... and after Andy, this road is not the same kind of hard. I do not doubt the things I did before, I do not fear as I did after Caden.</div>
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God proved Himself in my hardest time. I am blessed to remember so well the things He did. And because of that I trust in His word and faithfulness to me.</div>
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This time what I see God magnifying in my life is His sovereignty; His power and authority over my life. I am seeing how my big, mighty, gracious, loving and holy God not only has a right to cause or allow any and all things that happen to me... but He knew, He planned, He designed, He orchestrated it all... His hand has and will direct each moment... His fingerprints grace each breath... He has gone before and He goes behind.</div>
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My Savior is actively sovereign in my days.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">{ From my Instagram ~ When Caden died, the couple at the grave marker place were so incredibly kind to the Captain and me. They too, had lost a young daughter years before and their empathy and encouragement was something Andy and I always remembered. I went back today to order a headstone for Andy...and the same sweet woman who hugged me and talked boldly about how good God is, lost her husband last year too. She and I have been brought together for brief meetings but have walked parallel paths. She speaks, with tears in her eyes, of a God who loves her greatly and has a divine purpose for her life. These moments, past and present, that I've shared with her are times I know God has given to me as a gift. To prove tangibly He is caring for me, He is guiding me... and He loves me greatly and has a divine purpose for my pain. It's in these moments... that are supposed to be hard and gut wrenching... my God shows up and shines... and I am restored with Hope and much Joy.}</span></div>
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I see God's provision, not to merely sustain me and keep me afloat, but to teach me more about Him... to guide me to live according to His wishes, not my own. He is gently leading me as a shepherd does his sheep.</div>
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I have witnessed so many little snippets of grace these past weeks. God shining in the details. Proving that He has this...that He knows not only what is happening <em>to me, </em>but He knows the plan... the why, the how, and the end. </div>
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Since the Captain has passed into glory, I have not seen the same facets of God that I did after Caden... I still do see those... But this time... <em>this time</em> God is magnifying a different attribute of Himself to me. I am learning not only to trust God because He is faithful... But to trust His faithfulness because He is sovereign.</div>
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He is taking me deeper.</div>
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Do not misunderstand me. I still struggle...I still cry. I still have days where I want to scream and pull out my hair. I live days where I cannot wait for bedtime. </div>
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But God is in those days too.</div>
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I was playing a game with the boys the other night. The overwhelming desire to see and talk with Andy swept over me... and I missed him so greatly in that moment. I started to cry. Rigg asked me why I was crying. I told him I missed daddy... and sometimes missing someone comes out as tears. Both boys expressed how they to miss their daddy. Then we hugged and spoke of Heaven and what daddy might be doing. Which quickly turned into what they want to do when they get to Heaven... </div>
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which proved they have excellent imaginations.</div>
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Lately, when singing during worship at church, I cry. I just cannot get the picture of Andy <em>worshipping in the presence of Christ </em>out of my mind. When I sing to God about His holiness, His faithfulness... His glory and majesty and might... I an overwhelmed with the knowledge that what I am longing for... what I an eagerly anticipating; Heaven and glory and being with my Savior... <em>the Captain is living now. </em>I cry because it is an awesome thought... and I am so grateful.<br />
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I am just seeing the beginning of understanding, I am in the warm-up... but <em>I do know</em> that God has it all. He provided for me in every chapter of my life. He provided Andy for me, that is what He had for me then... and I know He has provided for me not only now... but each and everyday that follows this one. He is already there, already designing my moments... He is guiding and leading each breath until I can join Caden... until I see the Captain... Until I too, can sing and praise and worship Christ in Glory. </div>
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God is sovereign.</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-87522739464841877462015-01-09T12:13:00.000-05:002015-01-09T12:13:38.400-05:00He has this<br />
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The past week and a half has been long, hard, emotionally draining, full of memories, full of people, full of sorrow, full of hope, full of joy and laughter. The past week has been shocking and amazing and overwhelmingly covered in the peace and sovereignty of God.</div>
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Last Friday (Jan 2nd) was the Captain's visitation. It was scheduled from 4-8. I wore heels. After 3 hours standing in the aforementioned heels, I kicked them off and stood in my tights, standing on tippy toes (I'm not what one would call 'tall') to hug another 3 hours worth of people who came to pay their respects to my husband. </div>
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I was standing and hugging people for over six straight hours... no break, no lull... just 6 hours of amazing God given love and encouragement. Some of those people waited over 3 hours in a line that was so long it wrapped and weaved through the sanctuary and out the doors. Over 1000 people showed up, waited in line and blew me away with how much they love my family... and my amazing husband. It was one of those sweet, amazing gifts God gives in the middle of a very hard thing... a gift He gives to remind you He loves you and He has this.<br />
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<em>He has this.</em></div>
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The next day we buried the Captain. </div>
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His funeral was exquisite. Four men spoke. All four knew Andy from childhood... three were some of his best friends, one a mentor whom he loved like a second father. Each man spoke with love and conviction, telling of who Andy was, how he loved Christ... and his family. Each man told those seated how Andy wanted each person to hear the gospel and come to know Jesus.</div>
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At the end, a dear friend read something written by Andy's own hand... specifically written to be read at his funeral.</div>
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The Captain told us not to be sad for him... he was in Heaven, he was with Christ!</div>
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Andy's service was one of those moments that is emblazoned in my mind and I remember it with a swelling heart and a joy that can only come from God.<br />
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<em>He has this.</em></div>
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It was cold and wet at the cemetery. Mud everywhere; umbrellas trying to stave off the rain. It was surreal and a sight I wasn't really prepared for... to see my husband's coffin next to my daughters headstone. At Caden's funeral, after the graveside service was over, Andy grabbed my hand and said "Let's get outta here." Saturday, although I was surrounded by everyone I love, I felt very alone.<br />
But as my dad walked back and hugged me and walked me to my car... I looked down the line of cars that went on for what seemed like forever; winding down the path and out of the cemetery onto the main street...and I knew...I KNEW that God was here, I was not alone, and even though this time looked different He was going to get me through this too.<br />
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<em>"To stand in the presence of the Lord when you'd rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him - these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory." ~ Beth Moore</em> <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(From my Instagram post on the day of the funeral: Today was flawless. The service was given by 4 men who knew the Captain since birth/childhood. It was deeply personal. It was honoring to Andy, glorifying to God and every inch was smothered in the gospel of Christ. It was rainy and muddy at the cemetery. It was surreal to see my husbands coffin next to my daughters headstone. It was overwhelming to be loved on and prayed over to the point of joy. God smiled upon today. Andy finished well and we celebrated his victory. I'm broken hearted and already feel a hole in my life, but I know God will be infinitesimally faithful to care and guide me. Today was flawless. And I am grateful.)</span><br />
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He has this.<br />
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Since he's been gone, my brain can't seem to catch up. I was sitting at a stop light the other day and I thought to myself, "It just doesn't make sense that he's not somewhere here... he can't really be gone." it is in the very definition of the word...to me, unbelievable. I cannot make sense of it. It doesn't feel real... </div>
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Three days after I buried my husband I turned 33. It was incredibly weird to have a mailbox full of both Happy Birthday cards and Sympathy for Losing your Husband cards. I might have giggled at the sight... stress and grief make you do weird things. I, personally, make sarcastic and inappropriate jokes and splurge-shop. Those closest to me know this and go with it.<br />
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Tuesday night, over 40 of "my people" came out to celebrate my birthday and celebrate the Captain's Heaven Day. Each year we celebrate <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2014/09/heaven-day.html" target="_blank">Caden's Heaven Day</a>. So It was very important to Rigg that we also celebrate Daddy's Heaven Day. So in 12 degree weather...we set off floating lanterns. It was windy and freezing and slightly ridiculous... and Andy would have been laughing at our efforts... it was perfect in it's flaws and chaotic-ness.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(From my Instagram post on January 6th: Each September, on the anniversary of Caden's death, my family gathers and has a "Heaven Day" celebration. We celebrate that Caden is living in Heaven with Christ, and because of Christ's work on the cross we can have the promise of Heaven ourselves. Each year I preach this truth to my boys. Each year they understand more and look forward to Heaven Day. It was very important to Rigg that we celebrate Daddy's heaven day. So tonight, about 40 of my friends and family stood out in the 12 degree weather and sent up lanterns. As Rigg watched his take off I heard him say "Happy Heaven Day Daddy." God is working in my boy's hearts. He is growing them and teaching them and they are becoming strong and brave. The Captain would be proud.)</span><br />
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He has this.<br />
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Many people have asked how my sweet boys are doing. They are just fine. They are happy daddy is out of his stupid bed... that he can run and talk! They are processing this in the only way their 3 and 5 year old brains know how... a little bit at a time. They ask questions... which I answer and then they go on their merry way playing and wrestling and giggling.<br />
Again, I am reminded of God's sovereignty. I believe God is sovereign in all things. And if I believe that... then I believe that when He was creating and forming my sweet boys, He made them in such a way that they not only can "handle" this... but that they were specifically built for this. God created my sons to live in a world without their daddy... He made them so they can grow and live well under circumstances we see as a hindrance. It is my job as their mom, to teach them and build into them this understanding and grow them up in the Grace and Knowledge of Christ. And, furthermore, if I believe that God is sovereign to create my boys for this... I believe He was sovereign to create me for this.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(From my Instagram post on Jan 2nd: If you are wondering how the boys are... They are doing well. The true weight of death does not apply to preschoolers. They do not truly grasp what it all means. But we talked a couple times yesterday about daddy living in Heaven. They were happy that he is with Jesus and Caden. Rigg asked if he was walking and talking... I said yes... he jumped up and down yelling "Yay!" It made me smile. They will deal with the death of their father their whole lives...but for now we will take it a step at a time and rejoice together...maybe one day we will cry together... but for now wrestling and being 3 and 5 will have to do.)</span><br />
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He Has This.<br />
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I've done way more laughing than crying over the past week. I can't decide why that is... this grief looks so different than my grief after Caden's death. Maybe it is because Andy lived at his parents home the past 6 months... and I had a small separation anyway...maybe it's because I have been grieving the loss of my husband in small pieces for over a year... maybe its all the love, support and prayer that have surrounded me over the past couple of weeks... maybe it's because God has built a faith and hope in me that wasn't this big 5 years ago.</div>
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Maybe it's all of the above.</div>
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Don't get me wrong... I've cried. I miss him.</div>
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I miss him.</div>
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I don't know what my life looks like without Andy. I'm not sure I can be, or will be the same person now that he's gone. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. </div>
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I don't do well with change. It takes me awhile to process and catch up. And when there is no script... no lines to memorize.. it's all ad lib, well, then, it takes a lot of leaning into God and finding your way in Him.</div>
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As each day dawns and all my responsibilities cry to be taken care of... as life continues without pause or lag... I am constantly encouraged by and reminded of Gods unwavering faithfulness. The lady at Banana Republic who helped me shop for my "widow dress" cried with me in the dressing room when she learned that the funeral I was shopping for was my husband's. All the amazing stories people shared at the visitation. The message I received from a sweet woman who told me her husband was the one who's job it was to open Andy's grave...she said he takes his job seriously and he prayed for us as he prepared Andy's last place. All the little details that are not coincidence... God is sovereign and has this...has me, has my boys. God held us and carried us through each moment. And because I know my God... I know He will continue to do so.<br />
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He Has This.<br />
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<strong><em>Though you have not seen Him you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>1 Peter 1:8-9</em></strong></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-5513406683302590342015-01-01T08:13:00.002-05:002015-01-01T08:13:42.886-05:00New beginnings.<br />
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It's a brand new year full of brand new things and brand new beginnings.</div>
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My new beginning will be learning to live in a world without the Captain.</div>
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Andy went to be with Jesus at 8 am on December 30th 2014.</div>
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I was with him, as were his parents and his sister Elizabeth... who summed it up nicely when she said, through tears, 5 minutes after he passed "I miss him already."</div>
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And I do. Miss him. With my whole heart I miss him.</div>
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Every time I think of him being gone... not being able to see him again here... my brain can't make sense of it. </div>
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But even through my heartache, I can tell you one thing I know to be undeniably true. At 8 am on December 30th 2014 my brave husband opened his eyes and beheld Jesus, our risen Lord and Savior. He walked that morning... he talked that morning... I'm sure he sang. And I'm even more certain that he beheld the Glory of God and is now perfect. Andy is whole and glorified and already spending eternity with Christ and my sweet Caden.</div>
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Kinda hard not to be a little jealous.</div>
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He is out of that dumb bed... he's not in pain...He is fully healed... he is in Glory with God.</div>
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And I love the Captain with everything I have... So I do not want him back. I want Him right where he is. </div>
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I'll go to meet him one day. He just beat me there... which is so Andy... He was so competitive.</div>
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I have much, much more to say... but because of time constraints this week (and exhaustion) I'll save all the other emotions and facts and details for future posts.. written by future Cari. She seems like the kinda gal that can handle all of that.</div>
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Service times:</div>
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Visitation: 4-8 pm Friday January 2nd at LifePoint Church</div>
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8540 Combs Road, Indianapolis, IN 46237</div>
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Funeral: 11 am January 3rd at LifePoint Church</div>
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8540 Combs Road, Indianapolis, IN 46237</div>
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<em>In Lieu of flowers contributions may be made to the</em></div>
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<strong>Andrew D. Chastain Sole Benefit Trust</strong></div>
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<strong>8063 Madison Ave. #352</strong></div>
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<strong>Indianapolis, IN 46227</strong></div>
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<em>A few things if your new.</em></div>
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You can find <a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2008/04/our-story-or-begining.html" target="_blank">our full story</a> here.</div>
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If you would like to know more about the Captain, <a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/07/how-do-i-tell-him.html" target="_blank">read this</a>... <a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/captain.html" target="_blank">and this.</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A BIG, GINORMOUS thank you to every single person who has prayed for us, to everyone who has called, texted, emailed, commented, messaged, snail-mailed, brought by dinner, flown in, is flying in, has hugged us, cried with us and loved on us. I feel incredibly loved and cared for. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thank you.</span></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-71078226496174657482014-12-15T10:05:00.000-05:002014-12-15T10:05:42.645-05:00He is<br />
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I started this blog post 3 times.</div>
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I typed... I deleted.</div>
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I typed... I deleted.</div>
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I typed... I deleted.</div>
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I closed the tab and started to walk away and my phone dinged. A cute little app told me that a year ago I wrote <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/12/faithful-faithfulfaithful.html" target="_blank">this post about how crazy faithful God is.</a></div>
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I went back and read that post... and cried. I am so quick to forget all the amazing things my God does for me... and when I sit down, to try let others know that our life is heavy and hard and some days are beautiful and some days are just a slow drudge to bedtime... I forget that I have BOOKS I can write on God and His overwhelmingly abundant goodness and faithfulness.<br />
I spent some time over the weekend adding rocks to<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/01/rocks-of-remembrance.html" target="_blank"> my rock jar</a>. It was such an amazing encouragement and reminder about how God truly is carrying me through...guiding me, protecting me, providing for me, and loving me.</div>
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So here I am. Typing again... but this time, instead of trying to make this post about me and my life... I'm going to tell you about my God.</div>
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He has a plan.</div>
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I know that sounds crazy...especially to those who are looking at my life and trying to figure out what that is...</div>
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I'll give you a tip... don't. I don't know what God is doing. I just know He is doing something. </div>
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And it will be amazing.<br />
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How do I know my God has a plan? <br />
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Sometimes it's small things.<br />
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<strong>He uses.</strong><br />
People: I get about 4-5 emails/texts/calls/letters/messages a week telling me about how God has used my story, my life, my testimony to teach someone else about Him, or to encourage someone. I always shake my head a little because these notes are always so encouraging to me. God uses these people, who in essence are thanking me for loving God and sharing about Him, to encourage me to continue; they spur me on...give me added endurance and perseverance.<br />
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God has allowed me the opportunity to speak a few times this year. To share my life and my story... to tell about how amazingly He has held us in the midst of hard things. God has allowed me the opportunity to process and think on what He is doing and He has provided me with experience and knowledge in Him to share with others. By spending the time preparing to speak and by delving into what God is showing me He reminds me how much He has taken care of me and how much He provides and loves me.<br />
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Not just me, but my family, have had some amazing opportunities to share about Christ. With people all around, bringing meals, bringing gifts, spending time visiting, aiding in caring for Andy and being in and out of the house all day we have been surrounded by people. When you are around people so often they see how you live, really live...and some of these people do not believe in Jesus Christ. They have seen our lives, our situation. They see us dealing with death and sorrow and pain... but more than that they see these things.. they see Hope, and Peace... and Joy and laughter. And they are able to see these things because we know the only Son of God... and we have put our faith in Jesus.<br />
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My children are watching me - everyday - deal with some hard things. They are too young to understand the weight and gravity of what is going on around them, but I know they are taking it all in. They are absorbing awesome truths about God. Rigg and Ryder are learning that what they are being taught in church, what mommy tells them at home, the stories they hear in bible study... are true, proving in some small and in some very big ways that God is real and can be trusted.<br />
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<strong>He provides.</strong><br />
This past year has been filled with both some of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with as well as some of the most amazing things I have seen. <br />
God provides in both.<br />
Last week Andy was having a great day... and then it was time for me to leave - go home and put the boys to bed. When I told the Captain we were going to go, he threw his covers back and reached for me, as if he wanted to try to go with us. I told him he had to stay and he was confused. Long story short, he had forgotten he was sick... I had to tell him. The news hit him like a ton of bricks. He was heartbroken...inconsolable for 20 minutes or so. Those 20 minutes were some of the hardest minutes I have ever had to live through. To watch him realize he was dying... to completely understand all the details and ramifications and then trying to comfort and console him was so hard. However, later, I realized what a precious gift those few moments had been. It was in those hard minutes that I was able to speak to him, really say things to him that I may never have another chance to say... he was all there, fully aware and that doesn't happen often. And for that moment in time he and I were able to grieve together, and I didn't feel alone. God gave us that, and I am forever grateful.<br />
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Also this year God has continually provided for my monetary needs. I have had design job after design job fall into my lap!<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/01/benefit-dinner.html" target="_blank"> As well as the trust</a> to help pay bills and other expenses (new air conditioner and furnace)<br />
And then you might remember the week from...<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-much-needed-update.html" target="_blank"> well it was not a good week. </a> And at the end of said week I totaled my van. Well God stepped in in a huge way by <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2014/09/with-thankful-heart.html" target="_blank">providing a brand new car for me.</a><br />
<em>Ephesians 3:20-21.</em><br />
<em> Now to <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-29255AV" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29255AV" title="See cross-reference AV">AV</a>)"></sup>him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-29255AW" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29255AW" title="See cross-reference AW">AW</a>)"></sup>according to the power at work within us, <span class="text Eph-3-21" id="en-ESV-29256">to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.</span></em><br />
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<strong>He blesses.</strong><br />
See above about BRAND NEW CAR.<br />
I have also been blessed by getting my home cleaned once a week. You might remember last year I mentioned that it was the best gift ever... I stand by that comment (although this year I do have a competing new car...)<br />
This year has been filled with food. Meals coming from anyone and everyone! What a gift! To not worry about dinner, or shopping and making dinner is such a blessing, giving time and comfort to all of us. Along with the food, we have been the recipients of gift cards and care packages that all bring smiles and encouragement as well as help lighten the load.<br />
And who can forget <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/helpthecaptain" target="_blank">the fund that was set up to send the Captain on a trip to Colorado</a>.<br />
We hit our trip goal in under 6 hours! It was incredible. Not only did we go on the trip and have a great time... the fund remains open to help fund other needs. God has prompted people to be abundantly generous.<br />
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Because of all of these amazing things I can say with overwhelming confidence that,<br />
<strong>He loves.</strong><br />
<strong>He is faithful.</strong><br />
In each and every circumstance this past year... in the good things, in the hard things, in the confusing things and in the joyous things... God has been there. Every moment has His almighty and powerful fingerprints all over them. <br />
God has a plan for my life... He is using each day to teach me about Himself. He provides in astounding ways for me. My God blesses and gives and stuffs every inch of my life with His goodness and grace.<br />
And He has allowed me to peek into His ways and see glimpses of what He is doing. He is not done... He does big amazing things... He is continuing to work in my family... in my life, in the Captain's life... and I have every intention of letting go and letting Him do His thing.<br />
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-34015794430329517302014-11-12T13:03:00.001-05:002014-11-12T13:03:45.316-05:00About the boys<br />
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It's been over a month since I've posted.</div>
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A lot has happened... and a lot has stayed the same.</div>
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I'll start with a brief update on Andy. I never know how to properly answer the question of how he is doing.</div>
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Because the honest answer is, slowly dying.</div>
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However, in that are moments of laughter, joy, tears, heartache, pain, sleep, alertness, conversation, prayers... ups and downs. </div>
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Andy cannot talk, hasn't been able to say words or carry a conversation since May of this year... but he can still communicate, with his eyes, hand motions... nodding... he still shows us he is still there and loving us.</div>
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Today marks a week since he has been out of bed. He has been taking all meals (when he wants them) and all baths in bed. He is getting weaker, sleeping more, skipping meals and showing less interest in things. </div>
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Slowly fading.</div>
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Yet, still has moments of pure Captain.</div>
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We cherish those.</div>
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I often get asked how the boys are.</div>
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Again, a hard question to answer. Because they tow the line and throw fits and get attitudes... but where do you decipher if these things are from abnormalities in their lives or because they are 3 and 5? I am not sure. So I try to be firm, consistent, gracious and caring... but even under normal circumstances parenting is a monumental task that takes more then what we know how to give.</div>
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God continues to be gracious and merciful to me and my boys. There are many moments of laughter and joy and sweetness... which helps in the moments of screaming and disobedience. :)</div>
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Rigg seems to get and really be processing all that is going on. He talks about remembering when His daddy was home and walking and talking. He knows that most daddies are not sick. He also knows that his daddy is going to Heaven soon. He commented the other day to a visitor who was speaking to Andy, "Daddy can't talk because he is sick, he won't get better until he gets to Heaven."</div>
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It's in those moments that I am both saddened and in awe.</div>
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Saddened that at 5, he has to know and understand these things... and in awe because he does know and understand these things... and believes them and trusts in them. </div>
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Faith like a child.</div>
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Rigg and I have good talks... ones that leave me hopeful for the man he will become and thankful for a God who has provided hope and truth for me to teach my children.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsKpH3R9dJlhOYsQX6KOTsu7eOsAans_Ktnh3VCYsTdyvnXbCU3SWq68Svm1vW9Re7T6k3SZnYyXViWjDKpPpVm348sVTeOXGu53ZiETtBgMpQxq6jbgXXEN9MuzZiuD-wGhBU-XQ040c5/s1600/IMG_0817.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsKpH3R9dJlhOYsQX6KOTsu7eOsAans_Ktnh3VCYsTdyvnXbCU3SWq68Svm1vW9Re7T6k3SZnYyXViWjDKpPpVm348sVTeOXGu53ZiETtBgMpQxq6jbgXXEN9MuzZiuD-wGhBU-XQ040c5/s640/IMG_0817.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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Ryder doesn't question much... but is usually a willing bystander to all the deep convos Rigg and I have. He takes it all in, and where Rigg questions everything, trying to understand and get a grip on all the new knowledge, Ryder just accepts it all as true. They are so different. Ryder is a cuddle bug.</div>
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He wants to hug and snuggle and touch and be too close. Some days it's fantastic... some days Mama just needs more space and less touching... everyday he wins me over with his charm and adorableness. </div>
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Ryder brings laughter and silliness. It rubs off on Rigg, and then they both get lost for a time in just being little boys who are too loud and too rough and say the words poop and fart too much.</div>
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Mixed blessings. :)</div>
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I've been trying to take time to go out with just them for something fun. Cupcake dates, mac and cheese lunches at a sit down restaurant, hikes through the park... times where we can sit and talk about important things... and nothing at all... or all things silly and little boy. I want them to know I love them, enjoy them, and have time for them.</div>
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Rigg and Ryder both LOVE superheroes. They pretended to be transformers...rescue bots, Superman, Spiderman, The Hulk, Captain America, and any and every other super hero you can name. They wrestle and save the world from bad guys all.day.long. </div>
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I am either the most hunted or the safest lady around... I'm still not sure which, because all day I am, both, being threatened by imaginary bad guys as well as being saved by very real and very short super heroes. </div>
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They are cute though, so I don't complain.</div>
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We went to a festival a couple weekends ago and Marines were collecting for Toys for Tots. As I was digging for my wallet I told the boys that they were going to get a chance to meet some real superheroes, who wear real superhero outfits and fight off real bad guys. The boys were so excited... the Marines were so kind to my little guys.</div>
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The days are a mix of really normal and very hard.</div>
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And any and all things in between.</div>
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But I am clinging to the promise that God is using this for His glory and His purpose. </div>
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I continue to pray that my boys will be drawn closer to God because of this hard thing in their lives and that God would magnify Himself in their hearts.</div>
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Apart from their salvation in Christ this is my biggest prayer for my sons... that the death of their daddy would not drive them from Christ but firmly draw them to Him.</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-39569230866035061042014-10-10T09:33:00.001-04:002014-10-10T09:33:22.352-04:00observations<br />
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No joke.</div>
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I've been sitting here staring at the blank page for over 20 minutes... drinking coffee and trying to think of something, with a meaningful point, to write about.</div>
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I have come up with nothing.</div>
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nada.</div>
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So I thought I would just start typing and see where it leads. Such planning and forethought is inspiring, no?</div>
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It's the first day in over 3 weeks that I am home without the boys and have no plans for my day. It's freeing and stressful all at once. I have the freedom to do nothing and rest... but I have a list of things a mile long to do, and the undone-ness of it all is staring me in the face... which in turn is stressful.</div>
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The past week (maybe two, but my brain doesn't function properly anymore so who knows) have been difficult. The Captain is declining at a steady rate. So much so, his hospice nurse thought he would pass last weekend... but then he rebounds a bit and is up, laughing and eating... so it is still incredibly uncertain as to what to expect. </div>
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Life for me right now looks incredibly strange. On one hand, I look and live part of my days as a single mother, trying to get housework done, trying to raise boys, trying to learn how to do life on my own. And on the other hand I am a married woman... traveling to see my husband, spend time with him, make sure he sees the boys, that the boys hug and see him... striving to make decisions based on what Andy would want.</div>
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It is a weird and abnormal balance.</div>
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I was chatting with my Father-In-Law the other day about Andy. More specifically how I am dealing/grieving. I told him that it has been so long... well over 2 years since I have had the Andy I knew. And even before that... the Captain changed so much after Caden's death, I have been slowly grieving the loss of My Andy for a very, very long time. So even though watching him these past few months has been difficult, I feel like I have been in the midst of losing him for much longer. </div>
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I remember hanging out with a friend and her family around this same time last year. Seeing her and her husband interact, watching how involved and interactive he was with her and his kids was heartbreaking for me... it was that experience that made me fully realize that I no longer had that with Andy. And it broke my heart. I remember crying for days... I grieved then. It wasn't his fault... it was the cancer. And we both had been living so close to it for so long that I didn't even realize life was as hard and as different as it had been, until I got some new perspective. I look back on that time of realization and grieving as a blessing. God has allowed me to see, and process, and grieve slowly... and still be able to sit next to and hold Andy's warm hand... and that is not something I was able to do after losing Caden. To ache for something that is gone and not be able to have comfort is so hard. God has given me time to have both simultaneously with the Captain. </div>
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Andy and I made the decision for him to go and live his final days at his parents home a long time ago, when he was still fully capable of making that decision. When we discussed it, we knew we wanted to protect our boys from seeing things that could change them forever, maybe even tarnish the memory of their daddy. We did it out of love. We chose a hard thing for us, so they could have more peace and freedom.</div>
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It hit me just the other day that my in-law's are doing the same thing for me.</div>
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I struggle, so much, with wanting to do more.... be with Andy more. On one hand I feel like I need to be with my boys as much as possible. I do not want them to feel like they have lost both parents at once. On the other hand, I feel like I do not spend enough time helping out and being with Andy. It is something I struggle with everyday. But as I was sorting through things in my mind the other day, I realized that my sweet Mother-in-law and Father-in-law, by taking Andy in, caring for him and allowing me to care for my kids, have protected me from seeing and experiencing things with my husband that could change my memory of him... </div>
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I am aware that some women in my situation never have the choice, and have to be the caretaker... and I think God honors and blesses that. But I am so thankful that I have family that loves me, cares for me and allows me the freedom to care for my sons.</div>
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I was sitting next to Andy the other day, wondering what God was doing... wondering why Andy had to have days where he is in pain, why God allows people to linger when they are in such a state. (not super pretty thoughts, but real) And I was gently reminded that God has a plan and purpose for all things... even the hard and painful things. He uses the things in our lives to teach us, as well as teach others, who are watching from a distance. He is a God who wastes nothing. I might not fully understand or see what God is doing in these hard and final days... But God has a perfect and Holy plan. And because I trust God, I choose to lay my uncertainness, my doubt, my heartache down at His feet over and over again. </div>
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I am actively leaning into the only One who can make all of this beautiful.</div>
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<span class="passage-display-bcv"><em>2 Corinthians 4:17-18</em></span></div>
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<em><span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NET-28861"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>For our momentary, light suffering is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison </span><span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NET-28862"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>because we are not looking at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen. For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.</span></em></div>
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<em><span class="text 2Cor-4-18"></span></em> </div>
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<em><span class="text 2Cor-4-18"></span></em> </div>
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<em><span>Romans 8:37-39</span></em></div>
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<em><span class="text Rom-8-37" id="en-NET-28139">No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! </span> <span class="text Rom-8-38" id="en-NET-28140"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, </span> </em><span class="text Rom-8-39" id="en-NET-28141"><em>nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord</em>.</span></div>
Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-58113835703768723912014-09-29T19:02:00.000-04:002014-09-29T19:02:55.259-04:00with a thankful heart<br />
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You might have heard about me totaling my van.</div>
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If not... guess what?</div>
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I totaled my van.</div>
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Which is unfortunate, because it was a good van. Got me from A to B. It fit all my stuff. It had low miles and had been my grandparents before it was mine. Whenever I saw it I still thought of it as "Paw's van".</div>
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But then one sunny day I turned in front of a nice man in a shiny white car ensuring the end of my "Paw's van"-driving days.</div>
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I banged up my arm pretty badly... went to get an X-ray to make sure what I was certain was just a bad bruise, was in fact, just a bad bruise...</div>
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It was.</div>
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I got a rental and started the process of finding a new car... and trying to decide how much I was willing/able to spend.</div>
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One of the things I was concerned about was reliability. No longer having Andy around to maintain and care for my car, as well as shovel me out when the weather gets bad (which it does), I wanted a car I could trust to hold up for a bit... and trample over snow so I do not have to labor my way out of my own driveway on cold, snowy mornings.</div>
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One of the things I have come to realize since the Captain has become sick enough to not help make decisions... is being the sole person who decides things for your family is a really big responsibility.</div>
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I was worried about making the right decision... I was concerned about the money I was going to have to spend... I was a bit over my head in all things car as well... I know what's pretty... but what is reliable? What is a good deal? What kind of used car will hold up?</div>
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Then one day, in the midst of my indecisiveness about a car, I get a phone call from my Pastor. He tells me that someone, who wishes to remain anonymous, heard about my van wrecking ways and wanted to buy me a car.</div>
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There was silence on my end... stunned, awe-struck silence.</div>
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He went on to explain that the giver wanted to make sure I wouldn't have to worry about my car for awhile... and that it would hold up in winter weather, so they had done some research and wanted to give me a certain sum that would buy me a BRAND NEW CAR.</div>
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AGAIN: There was silence on my end... stunned, awe-struck silence.</div>
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I spend the next few days chewing on this information. Feeling very undeserving... very humbled by the gift. </div>
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My first inclination when given a large sum of money is to spend just as much as I need... and save the rest. So I considered buying a really nice used car and putting the rest of the money in the trust that has been set up for our family. However, after talking with a few people... who stated, if they had given someone enough money to purchase a new car, they would want the money to go toward a brand new car, I started to consider going against my first inclination.</div>
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So, the next Sunday I asked my Pastor, (who is the only person who knows who the giver is, and the only one who has spoken with them) what was the giver's intention? I wanted to know if they wanted me to get a decent car... or if they intended for me to spend the money on a brand new car.</div>
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He said his impression was that they wanted me to buy a brand new car.</div>
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After many days and a lot of praying... I decided to honor the intention of the gift.</div>
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So after a few days, and the money being filtered into the trust by a third party to keep the giver completely anonymous, I went out and bought</div>
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A BRAND NEW CAR!</div>
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It's a gorgeous black 2014 Nissan Murano.</div>
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And it's gorgeous...</div>
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did I mention it's gorgeous?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrxu2vdA_zSF6QDE5JBLokAEvksjOfN3vrOGsCjYRJlmeC86SEYtb-dyZwdA7zAGTvcOvZTnZCHl7czVYn5c3AFg-HmKa8hgAV1t6KrJu4J4ejNpLbb_ImzOTINl5DkX3uLdDQQEB_RKfQ/s1600/IMG_0431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrxu2vdA_zSF6QDE5JBLokAEvksjOfN3vrOGsCjYRJlmeC86SEYtb-dyZwdA7zAGTvcOvZTnZCHl7czVYn5c3AFg-HmKa8hgAV1t6KrJu4J4ejNpLbb_ImzOTINl5DkX3uLdDQQEB_RKfQ/s1600/IMG_0431.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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Since the money had been put into the trust, my trustee had to come out to write the check... Ken even wore a smile as he wrote it out.</div>
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Since the purchase, I keep crying while I drive it... that, or I'm annoyingly joyful. </div>
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Some days I feel like it is the happiest, bestest thing ever, to breathe in that new-car smell, play with all the fancy gadgets...</div>
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and some days I am completely overwhelmed by the weight of the gift. I feel wholly undeserving...but on those days I try to remind myself that I have an even bigger, weightier and more undeserving gift in my salvation... I ponder how often I feel the weight of the gift God gave in His son Jesus. I have spent many hours, driving my new car, thanking God for saving me... all because someone bought me a new car.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQXhfNd20q3SlrvLkZejkWdmu8oxl2IFOtbiNis7cLb6jHTelhymTJ5yz_svv6KwI1fVvgIVl5kb9Xb_0Az8moE32kCwTT77sOVF85ilXzW_5iEK5cNf5I6j9Hu-XjXORk8QSZH2kNlKaH/s1600/IMG_0695.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQXhfNd20q3SlrvLkZejkWdmu8oxl2IFOtbiNis7cLb6jHTelhymTJ5yz_svv6KwI1fVvgIVl5kb9Xb_0Az8moE32kCwTT77sOVF85ilXzW_5iEK5cNf5I6j9Hu-XjXORk8QSZH2kNlKaH/s1600/IMG_0695.PNG" height="640" width="360" /></a></div>
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Because I do not know who gave me such an awesome gift... I do not know who to thank...</div>
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I spent some time making signs...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcYvA2CjXrTXjKFprERx6-m7Q5hTUpAXJ2qd98W1_57Z2eDwpaXLmxDlHaAwwkoN2-1U7c4TIR6z1Atrx6xYvJIvduvxsgIpz67Y_ixAW5xev-SkluGdvr1sztxjyV5KtNGWWyf1vAOkOe/s1600/thank+you-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcYvA2CjXrTXjKFprERx6-m7Q5hTUpAXJ2qd98W1_57Z2eDwpaXLmxDlHaAwwkoN2-1U7c4TIR6z1Atrx6xYvJIvduvxsgIpz67Y_ixAW5xev-SkluGdvr1sztxjyV5KtNGWWyf1vAOkOe/s1600/thank+you-1.jpg" height="512" width="640" /></a></div>
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So we could snap a pic and send it back to the person who was so gracious and giving.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDezLuAXmzMDp6JKkDM2txbOl3WbJpnnolmURoqfv3tfYtsYIGrfzLgIE7S-5HjrxujOXczx4y1BIbWjiCiKhKhSsO9aCeoAYKlTTB255JJBtkOJtwHHS8qPazNedo2mKPclkEtIdX2wo/s1600/IMG_0654.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDezLuAXmzMDp6JKkDM2txbOl3WbJpnnolmURoqfv3tfYtsYIGrfzLgIE7S-5HjrxujOXczx4y1BIbWjiCiKhKhSsO9aCeoAYKlTTB255JJBtkOJtwHHS8qPazNedo2mKPclkEtIdX2wo/s1600/IMG_0654.JPG" height="352" width="640" /></a></div>
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<em> To the Giver: we are overwhelmed with gratitude.</em></div>
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<em>Love: a thankful heart.</em></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-75430215261207546422014-09-25T09:32:00.004-04:002014-09-25T09:32:45.462-04:00Heaven Day<div style="text-align: center;">
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Each year on the anniversary of Caden's death we celebrate Heaven Day.</div>
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We gather together with friends and family and send up sky lanterns. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9XZgKlkZ_LPqxdG1-UfHkgui-bNZaS_XPt5WS2tOD2oWB-nMvWFNkoeZCbHxZYpDGnOAQnO19D_i6EF-6vhDKDGBmQHIIDJzbxvug03e4S23GJ2d-Q3XJrSwhzaj8kXSaK2diX1Iuj6RA/s1600/IMG_0521.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9XZgKlkZ_LPqxdG1-UfHkgui-bNZaS_XPt5WS2tOD2oWB-nMvWFNkoeZCbHxZYpDGnOAQnO19D_i6EF-6vhDKDGBmQHIIDJzbxvug03e4S23GJ2d-Q3XJrSwhzaj8kXSaK2diX1Iuj6RA/s1600/IMG_0521.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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The past two years we have attached tags and labeled them with names of loved ones already experiencing the Joy of Heaven.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixgGanJGA9cXhtYNpJ_cEIJTjdjb8jyxSJwPdD0tgiWGFO_PTogqrstej4t6SimLaoxVitxGtt14_ZfCLMWDnb76ZYcT2Unp8gQijEFwwPIjHhb4rH-lU0vMmapooSIr4cnmzybllymzMz/s1600/IMG_0523.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixgGanJGA9cXhtYNpJ_cEIJTjdjb8jyxSJwPdD0tgiWGFO_PTogqrstej4t6SimLaoxVitxGtt14_ZfCLMWDnb76ZYcT2Unp8gQijEFwwPIjHhb4rH-lU0vMmapooSIr4cnmzybllymzMz/s1600/IMG_0523.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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This came about because I wanted to teach my boys about death and God's promises to us. I wanted to teach them that for a believer, death meant Heaven... which is something to rejoice over. </div>
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Our culture revels in gory and macabre of death. It exults zombies and all things creepy and scary on Halloween... but my children have death and the effects of it in front of their eyes daily. They see pictures of their sweet sister on our walls... they see their daddy silently struggle each visit. I want Rigg and Ryder to know, in the very depths of their hearts, that for a follower of Jesus... to die is to gain EVERYTHING.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJMsFveMW3I8mHbPLrgCHrdZ2gOdCUW6NEt-Xmzg_Ezux4tQwB26EZ7dEYo-_vqrlVz444Q6adPJhhiURsy1ps67THGtKmRZApRXghH5xak1MkiJwvdvxZFaMa2Y-aw10Iz03vNAvRw8Jq/s1600/IMG_0520.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJMsFveMW3I8mHbPLrgCHrdZ2gOdCUW6NEt-Xmzg_Ezux4tQwB26EZ7dEYo-_vqrlVz444Q6adPJhhiURsy1ps67THGtKmRZApRXghH5xak1MkiJwvdvxZFaMa2Y-aw10Iz03vNAvRw8Jq/s1600/IMG_0520.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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As I stated before:</div>
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<a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2014/07/rewarded.html" target="_blank">Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize.</a></div>
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So each year, as we reflect on the day that God turned our faces to Him by gently taking our precious girl... we celebrate.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_5xpJ701ZvH_Bd1HXhkDLsRohO5-WTcXAQdkLWEniMGspe1g-ahM94QBSC8Z4Nw6sOMfbSeYEUTHXlFkRf1ckUVf8D1lKQwZZWYvVYqQYMnxj8siV0d0F2T-M4xzERxV_7seujvWR5FfN/s1600/IMG_0522.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_5xpJ701ZvH_Bd1HXhkDLsRohO5-WTcXAQdkLWEniMGspe1g-ahM94QBSC8Z4Nw6sOMfbSeYEUTHXlFkRf1ckUVf8D1lKQwZZWYvVYqQYMnxj8siV0d0F2T-M4xzERxV_7seujvWR5FfN/s1600/IMG_0522.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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We <em>celebrate</em> that Jesus came to earth and died on the cross as payment for our sin.</div>
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We <em>celebrate</em> that because of that work Christ did on the cross we can go to Heaven when we die.</div>
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We <em>celebrate</em> that Caden is in Heaven living a far better and richer life than she ever could have here.</div>
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We<em> celebrate</em> that we can know that we will see her again.</div>
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And this year</div>
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We <em>celebrate</em> because we know that in the midst of our hurt and suffering watching the Captain labor under the weight of cancer, he will see Christ.</div>
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And he will see sweet Caden.</div>
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Here is what I shared on Facebook:</div>
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Today is Heaven Day. 6 years ago today my sweet baby girl went to be with Jesus. Caden Joelle was 2 days shy of 8 months old. Today my heart aches with missing her and rejoices that she is in Heaven with her savior, where I firmly believe she is LIVING a fuller, richer and better LIFE than she ever could have here. And although I miss her, I know for certain I will see her again because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ. So although today marks the day that she left, I choose to celebrate that she is safe, loved, alive, and because of Christ I will live with her for all eternity. HAPPY HEAVEN DAY!</div>
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here are links to our previous Heaven Day celebrations and/or ponderings:</div>
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<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/09/cadens-heaven-day.html">http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/09/cadens-heaven-day.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2012/09/heaven-day-2012.html">http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2012/09/heaven-day-2012.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2011/09/cadens-3rd-heaven-day.html">http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2011/09/cadens-3rd-heaven-day.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2010/09/and-then-it-came-to-me.html">http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2010/09/and-then-it-came-to-me.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/09/was-and-is.html">http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/09/was-and-is.html</a></div>
Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-24567675138966783272014-09-20T09:02:00.003-04:002014-09-20T09:02:58.318-04:00A much needed update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Many apologies for the delay in a post. The past few weeks have been full.. and a little bit nuts.</div>
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To help make up for my silence, I have jam packed this post full of pictures.</div>
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Because this post has pictures from the past 3-4 weeks, it is important for me to note that Andy has had a significant decline in this time period. Most of the pictures of him are from 2-3 weeks ago and he is not doing so well now.</div>
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I'll just start off with a medical update on the Captain: As of today he is sleeping well over 21 hours a day. When he is up it is just to eat or go to the restroom... hardly, if ever, is he awake to just be awake and chat. He has lost the ability to walk more then a step or two and is using the wheelchair for all his transportation needs. Andy's face is starting to swell and his legs and arms are looking more and more rail-like. The noise and happy chaos little boys bring is tolerated for shorter and shorter times. He loves to see and hug them...but quickly needs the quiet again. He is still eating...but not like he was. It's been hard to find a balance between my time there with him and taking care of the boys. Your prayers are still coveted. I should mention that we feel so loved and cared for at this time. The body of Christ is stepping up in huge ways and is very visible. Thank you for your prayers, meals, gifts and everything else you are doing to love, care and lift up my family.</div>
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Ryder is the kind of kid that has to touch things/people. He has been very involved in loving on and helping his Daddy. Most of the time it is ok, but sometimes Ryder can get a bit overwhelming in how close he wants to be. He has been a big helper and a bringer of many smiles when it comes to his daddy.</div>
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Both boys are always happy to see the Captain. Love and hugs are the first thing on the to-do list when we visit.</div>
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My boys have started school. (insert mix of happy dance and strangled sob)</div>
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They LOVE it too. Rigg and Ryder are both in pre-K. Different classes... but same time frames. The boys love school, their teachers and their new friends. It is not hard to get them up, dressed and out the door because they are excited for school each day.</div>
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These pictures are from their first day of school this year...needless to say they were a bit excited.</div>
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This picture just makes me laugh... :)</div>
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A couple weeks ago things went from our normal crazy to a higher level of chaos.</div>
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One Friday morning we got a call that my Nana was very sick... at the time we not sure what was the cause, but we packed up the car and drove the 2+ hours to see her. About 45 minutes before we got there we get a call saying she needs emergency surgery and she will be airlifted... back where we started our journey. :) So we high-tailed it to her, gave her quick hugs and kisses, watched the helicopter take off with my beautiful Nana and hopped back in the car to drive the 2+ hours home. </div>
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We got back just in time to see her before her emergency surgery. Then we hung out in the waiting room while the doctors fixed a hernia and removed almost half of her necrotic bowel.</div>
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Because my Nana lives in a small town she was airlifted to Indy. She's 86 and declared this to be the most exciting thing she's ever done. :) To which the pilot replied, "I hope to make the trip very boring." </div>
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The boys enjoyed the time spent with family while waiting for Nana to come out of surgery. We had the waiting room to ourselves so they were able to run and play without being a bother to others. </div>
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Rigg is officially a big boy. He lost his first tooth during the "week of chaos" as I am lovingly coining it.</div>
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He did so well with the looseness and the pulling... And, if I am so bold as to say, the tooth fairy rocked her first stop at our house!</div>
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The day after Nana's surgery my dad started feeling poorly. About 4 days later my mom, a strongly worded call from my Aunt, and a nudge from me got him into the doctor... who said she was concerned and sent him to get blood work... where he almost passed out and they sent him to the ER... where they found out THE MAN HAD SEPSIS AND WAS IN KIDNEY FAILURE!</div>
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I tossed and turned and prayed for him all night long, very concerned and upset. They had him on IV's going as fast as possible and IV antibiotics.</div>
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The next morning the Doc said they caught it early on and he should recover just fine.</div>
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So when I got to the hospital the next day I punched him... then I hugged him.</div>
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He spent 3-4 days (I can't really remember) in the hospital before heading home... still on oral antibiotics. He seems to be recovering just fine... (just to be clear... I'd punch him again if he keeps me up tossing and turning)</div>
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Andy is sleeping more and more. Sometimes even a visit from me and the Chaos Crew doesn't really stir him. He needs his sleep and his quiet... it's just a hard thing to watch him fading slowly away.</div>
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AND THEN...</div>
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I totaled my van. (frown)</div>
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I was headed to pic the boys up from preschool... and didn't see the nice man in his shiny white car.</div>
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The nice man and I both walked away with minor bruising... but his shiny white car was no longer shiny... or white. And my van was in sad shape.</div>
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The officers at the scene were crazy nice. A friend was right behind me when it happened, so she was able to square away my kiddos... and I took a trip to the ER and had a lovely picture taken (X-ray) of my left arm. It's just bruised (and crazy UGLY)</div>
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But all involved are just fine... except my van... which is no longer for this world. :(</div>
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The boys have been troopers. Granted they know no different then this constant craziness... but they are holding their own. I try to make time for each of them, take them to the park or the orchard, give them time to be little boys. They get more hugs then needed and they get more serious talks about Life, death and Heaven then preschoolers should... but they seem quasi-normal... which is all we can hope for most days.</div>
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God is taking good care of them.</div>
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Ryder is still very much his own person.</div>
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About 5 weeks ago we spent an hour or so getting extended-family pics taken. This is Andy's side of our family. They turned out great.</div>
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all the prayers, meals, visits, calls, love and encouragement. Our family feels very loved and cared for. We know our God is good, that He is big and that He has a plan for this. God is using Andy, his cancer and our family in big and little ways... and the awesome thing is God is gracious enough to give us small glimpses of how He is using it. We rest in the knowledge that God loves us, cares for us and is bringing Himself glory through this.</div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever, to Him alone does great wonders, His love endures forever. He remembered us in our low estate. His love endures forever.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">Psalm 136: 1,4,23</span></em></strong></div>
<br />Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-75167291162290988932014-08-20T15:39:00.000-04:002014-08-20T15:39:05.115-04:00Family pictures<div style="text-align: center;">
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Back in the very beginning of July we got all dolled up and had our pictures taken.</div>
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You might remember the <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/03/captured.html" target="_blank">last time</a> we got pictures taken... I LOVE<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/03/captured.html" target="_blank"> these</a> because this was when Andy was still Andy... when he was walking and talking and throwing the boys around. These pictures hang in my bedroom and I see them everyday.</div>
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And these new pictures are no different... I am in love with these too... probably because this was one of the final times the Captain was really feeling ok... and because these are most likely our very last family pictures ever.</div>
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<a href="http://rachelvanoven.com/index2.php" target="_blank">Rachel Vanoven</a> is the talent behind the lens. She was fantastic. I cannot say enough about these pictures, about how they capture the boys personalities... about how I am SO THANKFUL that I have ones of Andy with the boys, with me...<br />
about how The Captain smiled and cried when he saw them.<br />
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She took A TON... so I have lovingly narrowed it down to 16 for your viewing pleasure.<br />
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~swoon~ ... right?<br />
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-91186498674010345432014-08-18T10:57:00.000-04:002014-08-18T10:57:31.181-04:00The past couple weeks<br />
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The past couple weeks Have been a mix of ups and downs.</div>
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I am trying... some days struggling, to balance normal everyday things, like parenting and laundry and dishes and work, with not so everyday things, like cancer and grief and preparing little minds for all that awaits them shortly...</div>
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It is a up and down that I do daily.</div>
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We have regular moments like everyone else. Happy tickle fights, playing in the rain, dance parties in the kitchen... I'm trying to keep life looking as normal as possible for the boys. Which includes keeping up with Ryder and his abundance of energy.</div>
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And some days there is whining, throwing of fits, disobeying and fighting... and that's just me... the boys have bad days too. ;)</div>
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However, I have been blessed and encouraged by so many things... One of which is a HUGE outpouring of love and scripture. I get a handwritten verse in the mail every other day or so. It is so refreshing and comforting.</div>
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I also have a sweet friend who made me a quilt. Not only is it ADORABLE, but she used pictures of my little family. It has become one of my very favorite things.</div>
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Each day I struggle mentally with wanting to spend time with Rigg and Ryder and wanting to care more for Andy. It is very hard to do both... really impossible. I cannot spend as much time with Andy as I want... and give the boys the attention and care they need. This is one of the main reasons he moved to his parents home. It has been a wonderful blessing for all involved... but I still want to do it all... feel like I should be doing more...</div>
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I miss him being here. </div>
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However, life does not stop. School is starting soon and Rigg loved showing Ryder all around the school. Parenting is hard...but moments like this remind me it's all worth it.</div>
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The Captain is up and down too these days. He is sleeping more and more; 18-19 hours a day easy. He has some alert and awake times, but they are few and far between. Usually only last for 20-30 minutes before he is nodding off again. </div>
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He is also battling more pain. Usually it is his head that hurts. But some of it has to do with the arm and hand he can no longer move. The muscle is not being worked and therefore atrophying and causing some pain. We are trying to keep ahead of it so he can rest more comfortably.</div>
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Andy still loves seeing the boys come by each day. They never fail to bring a smile to his face. A friend of ours came and built a ramp so we can wheel Andy out to watch them play outside. He has been wanting to watch Rigg ride his new bike; now he can. He usually falls asleep in his wheelchair before we can get him back inside... but he never complains.</div>
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The boys enjoy the ramp too!</div>
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Even if Andy is not up and awake when we are there they boys go in and love on him. They miss having their daddy at home too.</div>
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This past weekend we had a reunion picnic with our former Sunday School class. It was/is a LOT of young families with a TON of children. every time I mentioned it, Andy perked up and I could tell he really wanted to go. However, he is just not up for it. So after the picnic we traveled out to him. We prayed and sang a couple hymns. He nodded off through some of it... but it was a sweet time and I am always greatly encouraged and overwhelmed by how much love we are shown.</div>
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And the kids made quick work of covering my in-law's driveway with sidewalk chalk. </div>
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The past couple weeks have been hard. They have also been normal(ish)... and wonderful and heartbreaking and joyful. It is the tension we hold as believers in Christ. We have a big and mighty Hope in a big and Mighty God who is crazy faithful and amazingly loving... and He has shown himself to be big, mighty, faithful and loving the past couple of weeks... and I know He will continue to do so.</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-18337211767809145352014-08-05T15:15:00.000-04:002014-08-05T15:15:22.004-04:00hard things<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Andy has been on hospice now for a month.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Because of this new transition and the foreshadowing of something heavy and hard that awaits us, we have had to deal with a couple of heavy and hard things already.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia; font-size: small;"><strong>hard thing 1.</strong></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Because of his worsening condition he was moved to his parents house last week. This was a decision Andy <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">and I made</span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> long before it came to pass... when he as still able to think through things and understand what was happening.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">His mother can take better care of him there and the boys have a little distance, so their memories of him will not be tainted by aids helping him with everything, and watching him deteriorate. Also, they can still run and play and be loud little boys at home now... I did not want to be shushing them and shooing them away all the time so Andy could rest. </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">We visit the Captain everyday... for long stretches of time.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">And even though this was the plan he and I made together... and even though it was time, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To pack up all his things and move him out of our home, knowing he would never be back. It broke my heart. Every time I would go back into the house for one more thing he might need, I would break down all over again.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">When the boys and I went to leave and go back home, after getting him all moved in and situated at his parents, Andy thought he was going too. His face fell when I had to explain to him all over again that he was staying... that he would not be back home. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">The Captain came to the door to wave goodbye to us... it is a memory seared into my mind. I cried all the way home.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">And now my house is full and loud and messy from little boys, but it is also empty and silent and clean from the absence of my husband.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"><strong>hard thing 2.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">It occurred to me that although my boys and I talk of Heaven and of death a lot... we had never discussed the actual, tangible, physical things that happen. Specifically that when you die, if you believe in the work Jesus did on the cross, you will go to heaven but your body stays here.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">When I realized the details I had been leaving out... I quickly became concerned that the boys, Rigg especially, might become confused.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">So I took them on a field trip. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">We went to Caden's grave and discussed what happens to a person when they die.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I explained that your body stays here and just your spirit goes to Heaven. (try explaining a spirit to a 5 & 3 year old!)</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I went on to tell them that the body gets put in a box, buried in the ground and we put a stone with your name on it above where it is buried. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I used Caden as an example.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I told them that when Caden died, we put her body in a box, buried it and put her name on a stone above it. I reiterated that her body was in the ground but her spirit was in Heaven.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Rigg had a million and one questions. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">"who puts the body in the box?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">"is it heavy?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">"how long does it stay buried?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">"what color is your spirit?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">"Can Caden's spirit hear us?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">As far as Ryder goes... I spent more time telling/yelling at him to not climb on the headstones.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">~sigh~</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"> Rigg asked why they couldn't climb... to which I replied that it was disrespectful... and he came back with "why? they are not here... just their bodies."</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I was struck silent for a moment, and then said...it is disrespectful to their families...</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">this seemed to suffice.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Rigg really amazes me sometimes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"><strong>hard thing 3.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I was hanging out with Andy one morning, just him and me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">We were watching a rerun of Fresh Prince, laughing at Will Smith in his neon nineties zoobaz pants when the Captain looked over at me and asked me a question.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Now, Andy doesn't speak so well anymore...like, actually not really at all ever... so when he tries, you stop everything to listen and try to make out the words.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I turned off the TV and gave him my full attention.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">He very slowly asked "what is wrong with me?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Which he has asked before... but he has always meant something different than the actual question.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">But this time I could see in his eyes that he was really asking.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I took his hand and asked him if he remembered that he had a brain tumor...</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">I saw the recognition wash over him and then his eyes welled with tears. I squeezed his hand and asked if he was sad... he nodded. I asked if he was scared... he nodded.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">Then we just sat and cried together as the knowledge of what is really happening to us washed afresh over him.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">He forgets things so easily now. This is not the first time I have had to deliver bad news to him... news he had heard before. It's like a really horrible practical joke; having to give the same bad news to the same person over and over.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;">It is hard to watch him weaken, to see him being slowly erased from the Andy I once knew. However, he holds on to his joy and delight in the small things. He never complains, gets angry or frustrated. He is accepting and peaceful. The Captain is still silently leading.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span class="passage-display-bcv"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>2 Corinthians 4:16-18</em></span></span></span><br />
<em><span class="text 2Cor-4-16" id="en-NIV-28876"><sup class="versenum">16 </sup>Therefore we do not lose heart.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876A" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876B" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup> we are being renewed<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876C" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup> day by day.</span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NIV-28877"><sup class="versenum">17 </sup>For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28877D" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28877D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup></span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NIV-28878"><sup class="versenum">18 </sup>So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28878E" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28878E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup> since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.</span></em></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia;"><br /></span><br />
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-73866595925553439802014-07-15T13:51:00.000-04:002014-07-15T13:51:04.514-04:00Rewarded<br />
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Almost everywhere I go people ask how I am.</div>
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If that has been you... thank you for asking. Thank you for caring.</div>
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Thank you.</div>
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However usually my response is "we are OK"</div>
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which is true.</div>
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Life doesn't look much different today than it did 2 months ago.</div>
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And I suspect as life changes we adjust our sails accordingly and absorb the slight shifts.</div>
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I also do not think there is a way to prepare for grief.</div>
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So most days I awake to the boys already being loud and stamping about.</div>
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We eat, play, clean and do.</div>
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Andy sleeps.</div>
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A lot.</div>
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And we all live the day before us, hopefully, to the best of our ability.</div>
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The only changes I have really noticed since we decided to stop treatment are the slight increase in the Captain's sleeping and the slight decrease in his ability to move his right leg well.</div>
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He falls about 2 times a week. Give or take. He has yet to hurt himself, praise God. And it takes great effort by both he and I to hoist him back into an upright and standing position.</div>
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We have received so many cards, emails, texts, messages. It is overwhelmingly amazing. We feel loved and cared for and blessed. If you have sent me one... please know, I have read it, I have most likely responded in my mind... and then my hands and brain start to do something else and your sweet correspondence gets buried in my list. I know I have let some fall through the cracks... and I apologize. Please know I have read everything... and been blessed by your kind words of encouragement and prayer.</div>
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Since the decision to stop treatment... which is a phrase and an action people, in general, do not like to hear or accept... the reality of what is before us has begun to take shape. </div>
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Andy is dying.</div>
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It was not a decision made in haste. It was not made lightly. </div>
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And it was not made without thought or guidance.</div>
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And even though I am 100% confident that the decision we made was best for our family, for us, for Andy... It is still heartbreaking.</div>
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</div>
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However I have had many moments of encouragement these past weeks. A sweet lady was sharing what she knew to be true of God in her own life... and her words have raced around my mind for over a week... following my thoughts and entering my conversations.</div>
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She said:</div>
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<strong> "Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize."</strong></div>
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And I fell in love with it.</div>
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Because it is exactly how I had been feeling, how I had been thinking, how I wanted to tell people Andy and I were viewing this situation but couldn't come up with the proper way to do so....</div>
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But there it is... beautifully succinct and wonderfully stated.</div>
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</div>
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<strong> "Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize."</strong></div>
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</div>
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And then Sunday the sermon was on Ecclesiastes 7:1-6</div>
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And I heard:</div>
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<em><span class="chapternum">7:1 </span>A <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NASB-17431A" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-17431A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup>good name is better than a good ointment,<br /><span class="text Eccl-7-1">And the <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NASB-17431B" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-17431B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>day of one’s death is better than the day of one’s birth.</span><br /><span class="text Eccl-7-2" id="en-NASB-17432"><sup class="versenum">2 </sup>It is better to go to a house of mourning</span><br /><span class="text Eccl-7-2">Than to go to a house of feasting,</span><br /><span class="text Eccl-7-2">Because that is the <sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NASB-17432C" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-17432C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup>end of every man,</span><br /><span class="text Eccl-7-2">And the living takes it to heart.</span></em> </div>
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</div>
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and was reminded that:</div>
<div class="bible-item-title-wrap col-sm-3" style="text-align: center;">
<em>Psalm 116:15</em></div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
<em>Precious in the sight of the <span class="small-caps">Lord</span> is the death of his faithful servants.</em></div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
<em></em> </div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
This is the view I hold on Caden's death... I mean, we even have a<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2012/09/heaven-day-2012.html" target="_blank"> celebration</a> on her <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/09/cadens-heaven-day.html" target="_blank">Heaven day</a>...</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
Because in my heart I know that the day she went to Heaven to be with Christ forever was far greater than the day she was born.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
And so it will be with Andy... Because Andy has accepted Christ as his personal savior... when he dies he will go to Heaven, to be with Christ... to be with Caden, forever.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
However, we are human. And with this knowledge and belief we also know there is pain with the death of a loved one. There is a tension to the death of a believer... between joy and grief.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
Because, quite frankly, it hurts. It physically aches to miss someone you love.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
But that hurt will be mine... not Andy's. </div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
and, I know, the pain does not last forever.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
God is gracious in that way.</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
So although we know what is in store... we talk about it openly... we discuss what it means for me, the boys and our families... we do not lose heart, instead we take courage because we know...</div>
<div class="bible-item-text col-sm-9" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize.</span></strong></div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">if your interested in the sermon I spoke of, It's available here.</span> </div>
<h2 class="title" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank">Upside Down - Biblical Better and Worse</a></span></h2>
<div class="fullinfo-date" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank"> 2014/07/13 </a></span></div>
<div class="fullinfo-block" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank"><b>Speaker: </b> Jym Gregory </a></span></div>
<div class="fullinfo-block" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank"><b>Series: </b>Words of Wisdom 5 </a></span></div>
<div class="fullinfo-block" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank"><b>Scripture: </b> </a></span></div>
<div class="fullinfo-block" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.lifepointindy.com/media" target="_blank">Ecclesiastes 7:1-6</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span> </div>
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</div>
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</div>
Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-35788195115353042202014-07-10T08:15:00.001-04:002014-07-10T08:15:22.763-04:00a decade of marraige<br />
<br />
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Today the Captain and I have been married 10 years.</div>
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</div>
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10!</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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When I thought of writing this post, a lot of things came to mind. </div>
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I thought of doing a timeline of pictures, complete with commentary about said pictures and how God was shaping our lives.</div>
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</div>
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I thought about showing you all pictures from our recent trip to Colorado and just telling you it was our anniversary celebration for this year.</div>
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</div>
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I considered just posting an insane number of pictures of me and Andy, and commenting on how these past 10 years have changed not only our appearance, but our heart and our perspective.</div>
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</div>
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However between real life (taking care of my boys, my hubby, my dog and my home) and my procrastination... you will get none of those very detailed posts.</div>
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</div>
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What you will get is a video of our wedding reception.</div>
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Which I'm pretty sure I post every year.</div>
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(sorry)</div>
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</div>
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It's about 10 minutes long.</div>
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Well worth it.</div>
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</div>
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As Rigg said this morning while watching it "Daddy is talking! He doesn't have that cancer in his brain!"</div>
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Which is true... a fact, when pointed out by your beautiful son, makes you cry.</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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A few things to know before watching the video.</div>
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I was skinny... and very blonde.</div>
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The Captain had HAIR and liked to chew gum.</div>
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Our wedding party was big.</div>
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It was CRAZY hot and humid that day.</div>
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It rained so hard during the actual ceremony we didn't think we would have our reception.</div>
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But the rain did stop... </div>
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Because of the wet and humidity... our reception was mostly cake, chatting and dancing... we "forgot" the toasts, and all other formalities.</div>
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</div>
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Jon is one of Andy's best friends who was serving in Iraq, not able to be with us. </div>
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My sister is giving her "belated" toast wet, because some bridesmaids jumped into the pool too... just not on camera.</div>
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(and, per her toast, I should mention, we fought a lot growing up... but are good friends now)</div>
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</div>
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OK...</div>
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Enjoy my wedding day!</div>
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</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" height="375" mozallowfullscreen="" src="//player.vimeo.com/video/5501409" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe></div>
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</div>
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</div>
Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-2678871105514640412014-06-19T05:30:00.000-04:002014-06-19T05:30:00.650-04:00and just like that... Rigg is 5.<br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Today is Rigg's 5th birthday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Something in me just doesn't believe it. And, yet, the calendar says it is June 19th 2014.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Well, that and Rigg himself has been counting down the "dark naps" (nights/sleeps) for what seems like decades... so I guess the reality is, I have a five year old.</div>
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Rigg isn't big on cuddling. That's Ryder's gig. But Rigg loves his daddy. He always has a nice big hug for his daddy. </div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
This year he saw the ocean for the first time and has been talking about it ever since. He loved standing in the waves and watching the water climb up his legs... but mostly he loved digging in the sand. So many holes... and always room for more, a little boys dream.</div>
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I'm trying to impress upon Rigg the importance of being a big brother. He does not yet take the job very seriously, however there are moments when I look over and see him patiently showing Ryder how to work a game or how to build a tower. </div>
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It is a prayer of mine that my sons are close friends all throughout life. I pray they learn to appreciate and enjoy each other. Rigg tells me often that Ryder is his best friend... I hope it never changes.</div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Rigg truly discovered the "super hero" this year. He is enthralled with all manner of super hero's. He loves the idea of "beating up the bad guys" and saving the day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He obtained an Iron Man costume and wore it out many a time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I recall one such occasion when we were out and a fun cashier leaned down to him and said "hello there, Mr. Stark!" He looked up with a puzzled expression and loudly proclaimed "I'm Rigg!"</div>
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One thing I love about this child is how expressive he is. He tells a great story with awesome hand motions and amazing facial expressions. I'm still clueless as to where he gets some of them... they must just be his. </div>
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Rigg started preschool this year. I was afraid he would be the child that was excited the first 2-3 days and then tire of it. But he surprised me and looked forward to it almost everyday. He grew and learned so much this year. It happened slowly as well as faster then I could take in.</div>
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Rigg has been learning how to help me more. He is a deep thinker and very intuitive. He knows and senses things are changing. He asks questions and we talk about things. He wants to talk about Heaven a lot, about Caden living in Heaven with Jesus. He is smart and has a big, sweet heart. He makes me think before I speak and helps me to have a bigger faith.</div>
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and he's adorable...</div>
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He loves his daddy... have I mentioned that? He would rather sit and show his daddy all sorts of things then hang with Mama.... I'm cool with it. I love that He loves his dad. Rigg needs your full attention. He wants your eyes looking at him when he speaks. He needs time to feel loved. Andy is better at slowing down and giving Rigg his full attention... I will learn.... Rigg is teaching me. "Mom, I'm talking to you, you need to look at me... no MOM! I'm not done!"</div>
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I'm getting there...</div>
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Rigg loves to pretend he is a super hero. He does a lot... A LOT... of ninja moves and fighting-type choreography throughout the house. He has developed some wicked skills! </div>
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Also... Rigg kinda loves to dance...</div>
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and I kinda love to watch him!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyYKBkSWOgqgSbGrJy1OrmMY3XNalnFDzX0BpzvhXAm9jVytnpm5n9gf34t0Oa7YXJDR00iekhmb9L09UA_' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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We are super blessed to have Rigg as a son. He is an amazing little guy. He loves big. He plays hard. He thinks deep and his smile brightens a room!</div>
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Happy Birthday Rigg!</div>
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We love you to pieces!</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-40638977711698870502014-06-15T20:55:00.003-04:002014-06-15T20:56:45.483-04:00the starting line<br />
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June 12th turned out to be a day that changed my life forever.</div>
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The Captain had an MRI, and when we saw the doctor, we got the news we knew would come one day. Treatment is no longer working... the tumor is growing.</div>
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we sat and talked through options... really there were only 2. </div>
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1. continue with treatment we know is not stopping the growth but may slow it down</div>
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or</div>
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2. Stop treatment altogether.</div>
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The Captain was able to understand all that was said. I asked him what he wanted to do.</div>
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He chose option 2. And I support him 100%.</div>
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So on a nondescript Thursday afternoon... my life changed forever.</div>
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There is no good time frame. The doctor said "months". </div>
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So we will try to plan all that we want to do as soon as possible.</div>
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We will try to soak up time. Make memories... see people.</div>
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People keep asking me how we are doing.</div>
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I respond with OK.</div>
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Because it's true. We are. </div>
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We have our moments... those waves of sadness or desperation that grip your heart and squeeze... but they ease, they pass, and we remember that one day, we will sit and cry and grieve because we miss the Captain. One day will be a day of sorrow because he is gone...</div>
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<u>But friends, that day is not today.</u></div>
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So we will chose to live... while we can.</div>
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I think one reason I am doing as well as I am is because the news wasn't something that I was completely unprepared for.</div>
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I feel like the past year and a half we have been walking... marching toward a starting line. Keeping it always on our horizon. It is there... this starting line, whatever else I am doing... I have thought about the starting line, mentally prepared for the starting line (as much as one can for this kind of thing), made plans regarding the starting line...</div>
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And last Thursday... June 12th 2014, we not only reached the starting line,</div>
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we broke the tape. </div>
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We began the journey to the finish line.</div>
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And because I have always had the starting line in my thoughts... I am not so shaken.</div>
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The decision to stop treatment just made it real, no longer a "when" it is a "now".</div>
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The idea of a man dying at such a young age, leaving a wife and two little boys is heartbreaking... when I think on it, it can overwhelm me.</div>
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I get caught up in the sadness of it all. And the how will I's...</div>
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I think of my boys and what they will miss, how this will shape their lives.</div>
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But when I can look up, away from myself long enough to focus on Christ and the things I know to be true, I am reminded of this:</div>
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I do not know if God has allowed this to happen to us, as He allowed Satan to touch Job's life, or if He has ordained this Himself, like the man born blind in John 9:1-3.</div>
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And, quite frankly, I'm not sure it matters.</div>
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What I do know is this.</div>
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I am a born-again child of God. </div>
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The Captain has been covered in the blood of the lamb.</div>
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We are saved.</div>
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And because of this God says,</div>
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<strong>"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28</strong></div>
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God will use this for good. He is not only working and orchestrating things now for us...but He has already been at work long before today. Preparing us, shaping us, teaching us, and putting people in our lives to guide us, and help us finish well.</div>
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God is a gap-filler. What we see as deficits, God sees as opportunities. What we look upon as bad or horrible, God sees His purpose and plan.</div>
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I have already, long before the brain tumor, put my trust in a faithful God.</div>
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I choose not to take it back just because I do not know what my future holds.</div>
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God holds my future... therefore I will not fear.</div>
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<strong>God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea.</strong></div>
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<strong>Psalm 46:1-2</strong></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-47007048580758885702014-05-21T12:15:00.002-04:002014-05-21T12:15:35.758-04:00The last 4 weeks in Insta's<br />
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Life got super crazy right after Easter.</div>
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First, let me just say... Easter was great... the boys... Super handsome.</div>
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And to prove it...</div>
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THEN.</div>
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Then life turned upside down and went nuts.</div>
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It all started on a beautiful Sunday evening on April 27th. The boys were in bed. The Captain and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. It was actually kinda relaxing.</div>
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Then Andy raised his hand.</div>
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Which seemed strange.</div>
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So I asked him if he was ok.</div>
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He didn't respond.</div>
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So I asked again.</div>
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Then the Captain went into a seizure. </div>
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At the end of which he was completely paralyzed on his right side and his speech was gone...</div>
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So I dialed my friendly 911 operator.</div>
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Who was kind and told me help was on the way.</div>
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We spent a few hours in the ER.</div>
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They ran tests.</div>
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Blood work.</div>
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scans.</div>
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x-rays.</div>
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CT.</div>
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and everything came back with-in normal limits.</div>
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But still he couldn't move or speak.</div>
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(well, to be clear, he could speak... just no one could understand what he was saying.)</div>
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Which was pretty frustrating. T not move or have anyone understand what you are trying to say.</div>
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It was a long, hard night.</div>
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He was given extra anti-seizure meds and admitted for observation.</div>
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By morning we was able to walk (very unsteadily) and move his arm and hand a bit. Much more than the previous night... but still so little compared to before the seizure.</div>
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He was then evaluated by Speech, Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy... all of whom said they recommended acute rehab.</div>
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The Captain was in the hospital almost 4 days before they could transfer him to the rehab facility.</div>
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And while he waited for red tape and paperwork to go through...</div>
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He worked.</div>
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and the boys played in his room while we visited.</div>
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He was finally transferred to his new home away from home.</div>
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Then the activity of each day went up a notch.</div>
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I was/am trying to juggle being two places at once. </div>
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Being a mom and doing mom and house stuff...</div>
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And being a wife and being with Andy.</div>
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And it makes me tired</div>
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All.day.long.</div>
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So I've upped my coffee/sugar intake... and so have the boys. (by proximity)</div>
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While Andy goes to 3-4 hours of therapy a day, we go to preschool, work and Bible study.</div>
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When we go up to see daddy (at least once a day) we have dinner, lunch, play games, do puzzles and take him outside to sit in the sunshine and watch the boys race.</div>
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A sweet friend made the Captain a super hero cape.</div>
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which the boys love.</div>
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They wanted to give it to daddy while wearing theirs.</div>
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There was a lot of super-mighty powers in the Captain's room that day.</div>
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And we were encouraged and starting to see the light at the end of the therapy tunnel...</div>
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Then the Captain got sick.</div>
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I went to pick him up one morning and take him to get his chemo and drug infusion and he had spiked a fever and was vomiting.</div>
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This lasted for 3 days...</div>
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(chemo was canceled... obvs) </div>
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Then on Saturday the 10th of May the Captain had 2 seizures within an hour.</div>
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The seizures took away all movement that he had regained in the past two weeks.</div>
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Again. (copy and paste from two weeks previous)</div>
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We spent a few hours in the ER.</div>
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They ran tests.</div>
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Blood work.</div>
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scans.</div>
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x-rays.</div>
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CT.</div>
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and everything came back with-in normal limits.</div>
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But still he couldn't move or speak.</div>
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It took almost 24 hours to regain some movement. Which was minimal in his leg and shoulder.</div>
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They kept him at the hospital for 3 days.</div>
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Then transferred him back to the rehab facility.</div>
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Where he started all over.</div>
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I did pick him up last week and take him to the Neuro-Science center to get his infusion.</div>
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I told him I take him to all the nice places.</div>
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It was my fist time pushing my husband around in a wheelchair for most of the day.</div>
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I told him I prefer my dates walking upright... so he was going to have to work a bit harder. :)</div>
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Since then he a=has been at the rehab facility "getting strong", as I tell the boys.</div>
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He will be there another week at least.</div>
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We go up at least once a day to see him and encourage him.</div>
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He still has no movement in his right arm or hand. He can walk (gets tired very easily) and can move his right shoulder but not his elbow or hand...</div>
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He desperately wants to come home.</div>
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So we try to lighten his load and brighten his day.</div>
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We are blessed to have so much love and support. I have been showered with offers of childcare, food, and help of all kinds.</div>
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I point people in Andy's direction.</div>
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He needs encouraged and reminded that he is not forgotten (easy to think when you see no one most of the day and you're "trapped" in a rehab hospital)</div>
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So I made him a new email account.</div>
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<a href="mailto:encouragethecaptain@yahoo.com">encouragethecaptain@yahoo.com</a></div>
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and the emails have been amazing.</div>
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loving.</div>
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encouraging</div>
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and He loves them</div>
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so thank you!</div>
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I have found that I an continually amazed at how BIG God is. He is coming in and taking care of our needs... when we are not even sure what they are... He is bringing hands, and loving words, and letters and gifts and filling in gaps where we need help...</div>
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So many cards and emails have come to us from people we do not know or have never met in person... but they are praying for us... and they write of how they love us and our little family...</div>
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and I am beautifully overwhelmed.</div>
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So thank you!</div>
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The boys are doing well.</div>
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They are so young, they don't know much different.</div>
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We have had or share of fits and meltdowns... but mostly...</div>
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they are champs.</div>
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Rigg just finished his last day of preschool.</div>
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So our summer is WIDE open.</div>
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and I am lovin' the sound of that.</div>
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No if I can just get them to do all the yard work... and maybe the laundry....</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;"></span></em></strong> </div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #e69138; font-size: large;">Psalm 27:13-14</span></em></strong></div>
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<em><span style="color: #e69138;"><span style="font-size: large;">I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-14299D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup>goodness of the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span><br /><span class="text Ps-27-13">In the <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-14299E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup>land of the living.</span><br /><span class="text Ps-27-14" id="en-NASB-14300"><sup class="versenum"> </sup><sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-14300F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)"></sup>Wait for the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>;</span><br /><span class="text Ps-27-14">Be <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-14300G" title="See cross-reference G">G</a>)"></sup>strong and let your heart take courage;</span><br /><span class="text Ps-27-14">Yes, wait for the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>.</span></span></span></em></div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-53223981749727042222014-04-09T19:35:00.004-04:002014-04-10T07:35:25.544-04:00April 10th<br />
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April 10th is my parents wedding anniversary.</div>
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It is also the anniversary of the Captain's first brain surgery.</div>
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5 years ago today was Good Friday.... and a day that started off very early and in a waiting room.</div>
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It started off<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/tumor.html" target="_blank"> here, with the tumor</a>.</div>
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Then a<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/info-and-prayer.html" target="_blank"> request for prayer</a> and surgery <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/andys-surgery-update.html" target="_blank">update 1</a>,<a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/update-on-andy.html" target="_blank"> 2</a>, and <a href="http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/04/before-i-fall-over-from-exhaustion.html" target="_blank">3</a>.</div>
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and then many posts that follow documenting his recovery from what we would, many years later, come to call "his first brain surgery"</div>
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Weird and awful that someone would have one... let alone two.</div>
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It's interesting. Just this past weekend marked the anniversary of Andy's first seizure... and almost the exact date (give or take a few hours) the Captain had another one. Early Saturday morning the bed shook again and I rushed for the lights... by the time I flipped them on it was over. Andy was disoriented for a long time afterward. It took over forty minutes for him to tell me his name, my name and what year it was. it was a very long forty minutes.</div>
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After I monitored him for a while longer, I let him sleep. I, however, did not. I was too amped up. I was trying not to worry, trying not to cry, trying hard to see what God was doing with all this. Because, to be quite frank... sometimes I look at all this cancer and drugs and fatigue and single parenting and I just see a mess.</div>
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and not a beautiful mess that is all the rage to call your crazy, hectic yet very fulfilling and enjoyable life...</div>
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but a messy-mess that is ugly and hard.</div>
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As I sat there in the dark, staring at Andy and letting my mind wander over all these things, I thought of the first seizure...</div>
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the one almost 5 years ago to that moment... and how I always, always, inevitably link it to Easter. Because his surgery was on Good Friday, because Easter morning I spent by his hospital bed reading all four gospel recordings of Christ's resurrection... because I remember how I felt in that moment. That realization that sweeps over each Believer as we read about Jesus' death and the conquering of it... complete awe and befuddlement that He did it for me.</div>
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I remember that feeling. I remember being swept up in it. I remember looking over at Andy, asleep with his head bandaged up so he looked like a mushroom from Super Mario Bros, and thinking... If God loved me enough to die in my place... I can live this life, this hard uncertain life and future the best I can, to point others to Him.</div>
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I meant it in that moment.</div>
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Most days I still want to do just that...</div>
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many days I fail.</div>
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But in the dark, watching Andy's chest rise and fall I remembered. </div>
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I remembered Easter and the incredible Hope that it brings.</div>
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In the dark that morning I felt the heaviness, weariness and loneliness that comes with this sort of trial. But as God brought to mind the Captain's first seizure and first surgery I was reminded of Hope. The Hope of Heaven that is mine to gain because of Jesus and the cross.</div>
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I sat there for awhile after that praying. Thanking God for His faithfulness. Thanking Him for the things He has taught me, the things He graciously teaches me again and again when I forget to remember. I prayed for my perspective and focus, I prayed for God's will to prevail. I thanked God over and over and over again for Andy's salvation, for mine... and for the assurance and peace that it brings to my heart. I asked for rest, not just sleep... but rest, because I am a bit worn thin these days.</div>
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But I always returned to thanking Him for the knowledge that whatever happens, with Andy, with me... we are saved.</div>
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And after a long while, I felt calmer.</div>
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I would be lying if I did not/ am not concerned at all for what our next MRI might show... But remembering God's faithfulness and His work and the Hope He promises gave me courage. And I slept.</div>
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For a half hour before Ryder was up with the sun.</div>
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It was a loooong day after that.</div>
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I think there is a gift in how Andy's first surgery reminds me of Easter and how his second will always remind me of Thanksgiving. </div>
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This brain cancer is hard...but I have Hope and I am to give thanks.</div>
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Sometimes I look around and I have no clue what God is doing.</div>
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But I know who He is.</div>
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He is my Savior who Brings the Hope of Heaven.</div>
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Happy April 10th.</div>
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Happy Easter.</div>
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He is risen!</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-48951500248906777672014-03-24T09:41:00.000-04:002014-03-24T09:41:01.621-04:00INSTA-monday<br />
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It's been almost a month...</div>
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and although its been crickets here on the blog, I do use the Instagram daily-ish.</div>
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(you can follow me if ya want to, I'm carichastain)</div>
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So... to keep you up to speed, I thought it was time for an Insta-Day...</div>
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Insta-days are just me posting my Instagram pics on the blog and telling you what we've been up to... If I was a really great blogger, I would do it once a week... but you know, I'm just a so-so blogger. (I'm embracing the real me)</div>
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Rigg has a knack for making the cutest gestures and faces... I truly do not know where some of his mannerisms come from. He is growing up... I both simultaneously love and despise it. </div>
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Ryder is still, well..., Ryder. He is everywhere, all the time...into everything and doing it with great pleasure and gusto.</div>
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He's also very messy.</div>
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all.the.time.</div>
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My kiddos are early risers. </div>
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I bought this happy coffee mug because it was delightful... and happy.</div>
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The sentiment of said mug does not apply to the wee hours of early pre-dawn that my boys think is wake-up-and-play-loudly time.</div>
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The Captain and I usually have our dates at a hospital or hospital type setting. It involves me reading or scrolling through Pinterest or Houzz while he gets poked and prodded and injected and infused.</div>
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Good times.</div>
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Ryder is crazy.</div>
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that is all.</div>
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My sister, Sara, came in from LA earlier this month for a long weekend.</div>
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She and I got some stellar sister time without kids... which means we shopped and chatted and tried on clothes and shoes and chatted and all things lovely. </div>
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by ourselves</div>
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without kids.</div>
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ahhhhhh.</div>
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Even though Sara came sans kids, she did have to hang out with mine a bit while she was here. The boys love Aunt Sara.</div>
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They also love waffle house and bacon...</div>
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(but who doesn't?)</div>
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If you live anywhere near the Midwest you might have heard whispers of people being over the winter. And by whispers I mean loud angry exclamations of how much we are done with winter.</div>
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Done.</div>
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But winter is not done with us.</div>
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Spring tried really hard for about 2 days... giving 70+ degree weather... just to plummet headfirst back into winter with below freezing temps and more snow.</div>
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Rigg and I were not amused. His astute assessment of snow after being able to play at the park without a coat...</div>
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"snow is dumb."</div>
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He's a smart boy.</div>
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Chemo happens once a month around these parts. The Captain usually feels all sorts of terrible after chemo and usually becomes a permanent inhabitant of the bedroom for a little over a week. After such a time he emerges slowly and starts to eat again... gaining energy only to do it all over again.</div>
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The boys miss their daddy whilst he is hibernating. So they hang as close as possible some days.</div>
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Rigg and Ryder both love BSF. Last week we studied Jesus' return. They left with trumpets. Rigg has been blowing his at least twice a day since to "see if Jesus is comin' back to Earf."</div>
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Its super loud and kinda annoying... but also amazingly sweet and awesome.</div>
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I love what the boys soak up each week. I love that I can talk with them and get excited with them about God's word. I love that He is working in their little hearts by the stories and songs and verses they learn.</div>
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The Captain is starting to get treated at the schmancy new Nuero-Science center. It's shiny and new in every stinkin' corner. I was super excited... it's like getting invited to hang with the cool kids... being high class brain tumor patients...</div>
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He thought I was a bit crazy....</div>
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Also, in fun Captain news, He has been feeling a little better lately. He even had friends over to play (eat pizza and watch basket ball... it is March!).</div>
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He had a really good time. He smiled and laughed...it made my heart happy.</div>
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I realize in all the pictures of Rigg he is wearing his coat and hat (we spoke earlier about the stupid winter... see above)</div>
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That, and he, Ryder and I are always on the go... it is a season of being in the car going from here to there. I like to sing in the car... loudly and with much feeling... Rigg however told me just this morning to stop singing. I turned (as much as I could while driving) and gave him my most offended face. He responded by delivering this line, in a most convincing tone, "Mom, I really love you, but, I don't want you to sing."</div>
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Some people just don't know true talent when they hear it!</div>
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Happy Monday!</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-59980303960669550842014-02-27T08:35:00.002-05:002014-02-27T08:35:42.105-05:00Turn my eyes upon Jesus<br />
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My house is silent.</div>
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So quiet. </div>
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This might be the first time in a month that I can sit and think. </div>
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I know many of you want to know how the Captain is doing, how I am doing... how we are doing.</div>
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The short answer is OK. Fine... about the same.</div>
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The long answer is much more detailed and imprecise. </div>
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How is Andy? He is about the same. What does that mean? Well the past 3 MRI's have been stable. Which is great news. It means the tumor is not growing. However that does not change the day to day aspect of his fatigue, physical and cognitive decline that we have experienced the past 6 months. He is the same today (give or take the level of fatigue, a headache or nausea) that he was about 2 months ago. That is when I would say changes and symptoms leveled off a bit. Now he sleeps most of the day and night (16-18 hours, normal for a brain tumor patient) and seems his most perky in the evening.</div>
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The drastic change in him and our lifestyle was hard for me at first. Well, is still hard some days, but God has been faithful on so many levels. Conversations with really good friends, family, doctors, have helped me process and cope accordingly. God working in my heart to soften and change my attitudes and desires about my days and my purpose.</div>
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To be brutally honest. </div>
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I hate what this tumor has done to my life.</div>
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My days are so drastically different from anything I would have wanted or requested... from anything I once dreamed. </div>
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About a month ago, Andy and I were getting ready for bed and he looks over and says "I'm sorry I have cancer." I told him I was sorry too. He then said " I know it has crushed the dreams you had for your life." I told him it crushed his too. We are in this together... and what we had thought our lives would look like... well, God had a different plan. One that is taking some adjustment and time to wrap our minds around... one that takes more letting go and giving up than is comfortable.</div>
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One that has a bigger purpose and meaning, I pray, than one I could have conjured up myself.</div>
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I have to trust in that... to believe that God is using this for His good. He even states in <em>Romans 8:28 He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.</em></div>
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I trust that God is bigger than me; that He knows more... that He sees what I can't; that He works for and in circumstances that I do not understand...God says in <em>Isaiah 55:9</em></div>
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<em>“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.</em></div>
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There are times when I get upset, angry, overwhelmed... and these are the truths that I cling to, this and knowing that there is more... there is better awaiting me. Clinging to the truth that this life is fleeting and temporary and knowing what lies ahead is more than glorious. </div>
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<em>2 Corinthians 4:16-18</em></div>
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<em><span class="text 2Cor-4-16" id="en-NASB-28876">Therefore we <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-28876A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup>do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-28876B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>inner man is <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-28876C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup>being renewed day by day.</span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NASB-28877">For momentary, <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-28877D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup>light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,</span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NASB-28878"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>while we <sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NASB-28878E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup>look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.</span></em></div>
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And God is faithful... each day that dawns He fills with encouragement and grace... and mercy. He sustains me little by little each day, each hour as I walk (sometimes begrudgingly) through this trial.</div>
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Nobody likes hard things... things that hurt, or take away from what we want. Nobody likes enduring...while the struggle is upon them.</div>
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But just like anyone else who undergoes transformation during a struggle, and athlete striving for a better time or perfected skill, a person losing weight, a group finally working together as a team, a choir blending their voices and sound perfectly... all these things, after all the time and hard work and struggle and labor they can reap a reward.</div>
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The same is happening in my life, I am sure of it... the only difference is God is doing the work. He is shaping my heart according to His purpose... and the Glory will be His.</div>
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So on days when I feel crushed under the weight of it all, when I am completely overwhelmed... I go to God's word. I remember these things. I ask for clarity, for wisdom... for openness to His will. Or on days when I cannot do it myself, when I am dragging a kicking and screaming kid from the store, when I am mean to my boys after an hour of trying to get ready and out the door, when I snap at my husband for no reason... and I cannot seem to get ahold of my own emotions or redirect myself... God is faithful to bring me alongside others who gently push me back to Christ.</div>
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I want God to use me, to use my life to Glorify Him, to build His kingdom... to point others to Christ. And I know that I cannot do that while grumbling, complaining... while dreaming and wishing away what God has laid before me. I need to accept what He wants for me. I need to allow Him to do with me what He deems appropriate. </div>
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Today I am not flattened under the weight of struggle. Today has started with hot coffee and a quiet house. Today seems calm and easy... but it's only 8:31...</div>
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Surely I will have to re-return my focus today.</div>
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and again</div>
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and again.</div>
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As the hymn says </div>
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<em>"turn your eyes upon Jesus. </em></div>
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<em>Look full in His wonderful face. </em></div>
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<em>and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,</em></div>
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<em> in the light of His glory and grace."</em></div>
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God is faithful to calm my heart each time.</div>
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He is shaping my heart according to His purpose... and the Glory will be His.</div>
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Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2854822966178949982.post-79909873982253499272014-01-24T05:00:00.000-05:002014-02-06T07:09:24.361-05:006 years ago today<br />
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6 years ago today I became a mommy for the very first time.</div>
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Caden Joelle would have been six today.</div>
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She has been gone for so long, yet she is not only in our thoughts daily... she is the topic of many conversations in our house.</div>
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Because of Caden I can talk openly of Heaven, Jesus, and even death with my boys.</div>
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They know they have a sister...</div>
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and they know she lives with Jesus.<br />
They know one day, if they believe in Jesus and the work He did on the cross, they will get to meet her.</div>
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Rigg was telling someone just the other day about his sister... and how he "loves her a lot." </div>
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Sweet boy.</div>
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There have been so many days when I have wished she were here... and all the little things that come along with that. Some days the sadness is still intense... but it is brief. Because God has given so much through Caden. Her life and her death have been gifts and blessings.</div>
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Because she is gone, I have a deep, deep longing for Heaven. I have a deeper faith in what God has promised. I know God can be trusted with anything... ANYTHING.</div>
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I can share with others about what God has taught me.</div>
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I can tell my children about Heaven.</div>
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About Jesus.</div>
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about life...</div>
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Caden was our first precious, sweet, snugly blessing.</div>
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A blessing that God continues to grow in ways I never could have fathomed or desired.</div>
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She is still talked about, smiled over... and rejoiced over.</div>
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Today 6 years ago God began a work He is still completing. In my life God is using my baby girl's life and death to teach me about Himself everyday. </div>
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6 years ago today my life changed for the better.</div>
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and I am so thankful.</div>
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<br />Andy and Carihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13622299934594487940noreply@blogger.com4