it is hard to see happy shiny brightness through a surly grump

I find so many things burdensome lately.

 

I feel I complain all the time. It is not my wish or desire to mope and grumble, I simply find my mouth working faster than my brain. (such a terrible trait)

 

I hate that our life is in a weird limbo-type state. An ever morphing thing that requires more patience and flexibility than I am giving it.

 

I dislike our lack of routine. I dislike the fact that I cannot, with a level of certainty, plan ahead.

I dislike

I dislike

I dislike....

 

 

Poor Captain. He has to live with this grouchy, nasty lady.

 

I do not want to be her. I want to be thankful for all the ways God has provided, I want to rejoice that I can spend extra time with my precious family, I want to enjoy watching the boys learn and grow. I want to rest in the knowledge that God will take care of me... He will provide and He will do it in His perfect time.

 

And yet with all those wants, I still find myself, daily, behaving like a child.

I am wallowing in the discontent.

 

 When, in fact, my life is not terrible. It is lovely, actually. Filled with family, home, fellowship... time. I have nothing to grumble and complain about.

 

Which makes my attitude all the more horrid.

 

I'll say it again... poor Captain.

 

A few weeks ago, at bible study, the speaker said the phrase "God's pleasure is a bigger deal than our pleasure."

 

I have not been able to get that out of my head. I know His will is, I know His plan is... But His pleasure...

It hit me in the face and smacked me around a little.

 

I am not called to be pleasured... I am called to be obedient, and that, in turn, makes God Happy.

My obedience brings God pleasure.

 

My complaining is not a good example of obedience.

My complaining does not bring God or me pleasure.

Therefore I should stop with the bad attitude and the verbal grossness.

 

I'm trying to work on it. I'm trying to rest in His choice for me, knowing it is the BEST He has for me. I know, because the scripture says so, that He is working this for my good. This time in my life, if I can lean on Christ and be obedient, will not be wasted. God can be glorified. I need to allow Him to shine through, though....

 

And it is hard to see happy shiny brightness through a surly grump.

 

I desire to be more shiny and less surly.

 

So I have started praying for my attitude, and that God can work through even the likes of me... and above all that I do not waste this precious gift He has provided...

An opportunity to glorify Him.

 

~ signed, a (hopefully) former surly grump ~

 

I kinda just wanna sit in there and bask in the glow of its awesomeness

Remember when I vaguely mentioned I redecorated my bedroom ,in passing, and did not give satisfactory information or details?

No?

Well I did... both of those things - vaguely mention it... and I redid my bedroom.

And it is splendid.

My former music/choir/ SHOW CHOIR teacher came and helped me.

It might have been the most fun I've had, in, oh, I don't know... EONS!!!

(I'm feeling dramatic today...)

At least it was the most fun I had in eons until we joined forces yet again to completely overhaul and redecorate my sis-in-laws apartment.

And then that became the most fun I've had in EONS!!!!!

(more on that in another post)

Let's chat about my bedroom in its horrible "before" state.

It was horrible.

The walls were a mossy green, which was not terrible, except I hated it.

The walls were covered in a random hodge podge of left over whatevers... there was no rhyme or reason to the room... it had no direction, no personality, and it felt like a cave.

It was a hole that was sucking the very soul out of my being...

Then I repainted my dinning room and fell in love with Sherwin Williams' SW6073 "perfect greige.

So much in love with SW6073 did I fall, that I used said color in the painting of the chevrons.

And then I had aspirations of using it to lighten and brighten and make happy my bedroom.

So Mrs. N came to me and asked if she could help me.

I was excited beyond words at her kindness. Not to mention I knew the lady had incredible style. I was, however, to be schooled in her affinity for all things hardware and able to help hang any object known to man. She has a magic tool box that holds the wonders of the hardware world for a decorator...

We started by repainting, and then we went on to hang sheers and mirrors and pictures and lamps and cover stools and reupholster headboards... or headboard, rather...

It was a glorious two days of work and creative outpouring.

I was in my own personal here-on-earth-heaven... Redecorating...(contented sigh)

People, I cannot put into words how much I love my bedroom now.

LOVE!!!

It used to be the room that I avoided. Now I kinda just wanna sit in there and bask in the glow of its awesomeness.

I wanted a grey and white scheme with pops of aqua and tangerine. And we did It!!!

The only thing that stayed as-is was my aqua dresser and my white bedding. My dad and I made the headboard together just after the Captain and I were married, so I really wanted to leave the main wood section untouched...  I was all for reupholstering the inside, fabric section though.

I saw a small version of a mirror collage and I knew I wanted to try and replicate it in a massive way.

We found the cutest little stool at an old junk shop. I recovered it in a great print. It is so cute sitting there in the corner, just waiting for someone to come and perch on its fluffy amazingness.

Some of our most recent family pics are on display above the dresser. I love the black and white images in the white frames.

Mrs. N also got these great tangerine colored knobs that we added to the dresser... just a small thing, but it gives so much pop. and personality. And it makes me wildly happy.

Orange knobs... who knew they could brighten my whole day?

Even the bitty bowl of tid bits is adorable!

 All the maps went on the big wall. We hung some silver cord over mercury glass drawer pulls and attached empty picture frames. The frames are hung to highlight the places the Captain and I have been together. One covers some countries in Europe, one the US and another some islands in the Caribbean.

The amazing hanging light you see on one side of the bed needs a mate mirroring it on the other side. I picked up that spectacular one at IKEA for another use altogether... so I need to make a special trip to get another one. Stupid stores that don't ship...

Well, that's it! A tour of sorts of the bedroom makeover. 

Now instead of sucking the soul out of me, it is a place where I can go and BREATHE.

Wonder what the Captain will let me redo next?

!wink~

Blessings

I've been struggling with the everyday things lately.

Just being a mama is making me tired and worn. I snap at my babies too easily, I get angry too quickly, I find resentment in my heart daily.

And it makes me sad, it makes me feel a bit like a failure... as a mom, as a wife... as a follower of Christ.

I know from the outside it seems I may have "too much" on my plate.

But the reality is, this is what God has called me to right now. This moment... this day... this trial.

He has asked me to be a mommy to two amazing little boys, He has given me the role of wife to a wonderful husband, He has laid before me the task of trusting in Him for my future... for the Captain's future.

This is what He has asked of me right now... and I need to accept it with more grace. I need to bow to this decision that was not mine and take it up with more joy.

These things are very possible... I just need more Jesus to do it well.

I need to take more time to be with Jesus, in prayer... in study of His word... in acting out what I know to be right and true as opposed to acting upon my fleeting feelings.

My children should not bare the brunt of my sin.

My husband should not suffer from my lack of acceptance of what God has given.

People keep saying... you just need a break. And I agree... I do need breaks, and I have gotten more than I deserve. But I know my heart... I know my struggles... I need to accept, I need to humble myself to God's will for me.

I need to quit acting like a baby.

And this is going to take effort and time.

And trust in the God who loves me more than I can fathom.

On the way to church yesterday morning a song came on the radio. It is a song that I have heard a hundred times. I know all the words, I can sing it without thinking really... but yesterday while my boys were in the back giggling to each other and my coffee was warm in my hand, I heard the words afresh.

" What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?"

I am given a rare gift... a chance to embrace a thirst that cannot be satisfied here. I have been granted a longing for Heaven that aches in my heart daily. Some days it just hurts to be here... and this hurt creates in me a desire, so great, for what I know to be true... a life forever with Christ.

The mercy of Christ in my life is the gift of drawing me closer to Him through trial and hurt.

"Yet Love is way too much to give us lesser things. What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know Your near?"

Some times, most days, I lose sight of the gift... I look upon it not as a treasure but as a burden.

It's all in perspective. When I can change my perspective... God can change my heart... and then my actions...and through that, my life.

And I want a life that reflects God, His character and His Love... not a life that smacks of anger and resentment.

Read the words to this song... let it speak to your heart today.

Laura Story

Blessings

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

A horribly long and scatter-brained post... you're welcome.



It's kinda lame that I open almost every post nowadays with an apology for my interwebby silence.

I guess I'm just lame...

This post is just a mish mash of info about what has been happening, how we have been filling our time... how we are doing and random pictures. (truly a though out and organized piece of literary Internet happiness)

I know I've said it before, but sometimes, at the end of the day, I just don't have anything left to give. Sitting at the computer writing a post seems like too much work, emotionally...physically...

I know there are actual living, breathing souls out there who want to know how we are doing, how we are coping... if we are OK. I know I need to do a better job, but most days it seems like so much work to sit and think through, type out and tell how I feel... how we are.

We are fine...

I am tired.

We are hopeful and a bit scared and happy and sad and weary and strengthened and encouraged and struggling and fine all wrapped up in one strange beautiful package.

But mostly, me personally... I'm a bit run down.

Sounds sad and worse than it really is.

A lot of it has to do with being a Mama to 2 young, very energetic boys. Who both are in stages that stretch my patience and wisdom in parenting.

At least I'm hoping they are stages...

The other day I was at Target and Ryder was being Ryder, some woman actually careened her neck around the end of the aisle and stared at me... and my out of control child, but mostly me and my inability to quiet the siren-like wail coming from my son.

Sigh...

parenting...

Although the boys are trying and confusing and have me wondering how the human race has survived, they are also the source of my greatest moments. Rigg melts my heart and Ryder makes me belly laugh all day long. I am continually in awe of the privilege it is to be their Mama.

Andy has been hit by a typhoon-like wave of fatigue. He has been sleeping about 14-16 hours a day for the past week and a half. It has been rough. It's like being a single parent, (I can only imagine...) trying to keep the kids busy, quiet and away from the person they like most in the world... who they know is a mere 2 rooms away. He seems to be on the upswing though. So we are hopeful that the increase in temperature out of doors will also bring an increase in energy for the Captain.

We had a good Easter. The boys enjoyed egg hunts and chocolate... mostly the chocolate. Rigg kept referring to his tie as a scarf...

We put up a new light in the dinning room... I'm in love with it...seriously.

I've spent a couple of really fantastic days with my music teacher from high school. She came over and helped me re-do my bedroom (pictures on a later post). It has been so much fun, not only to spend time doing one of my favorite things, decorating, but to watch God seamlessly turn a teacher/mentor into a friend. I feel overwhelmingly blessed sometimes.

I bought bright coral pants... I love them. I also feel like an extra in a West Side Story production when I wear them... which kinda makes me like them more...

The Captain had a MRI just this morning. Going into our day my prayer was for calmness and peace, for a clear picture, for wisdom for the doc, that we would leave feeling hopeful and encouraged, that God would be glorified through this "cancer road" we are walking, and that God would heal Andy totally and completely.

We saw the doc right after the MRI.  The pic looks the same if not a bit better than a month ago.  It was good news. We are slowly headed in the right direction. The cloudiness that is swelling and radiation still hanging around his tumor bed can be there for up to 6 months after treatment.  So we now have a new baseline. God was faithful and showed His undeniable goodness to us again today.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We are fantastically overwhelmed with Gods provision and love for us through His people.

Captured

There is a lot going on.

And absolutely nothing going on.

I have been mulling over some things in my mind.  God and I are having some interesting convo's. He is showing me things about myself, my faith, that I need to work on...

He is stretching my view of Him.

 He is bigger.

My mind is working on grasping more of His bigness.

I know I'll never get it...how big God really is... but He continues to be faithful, working with me where I am.

BUT TODAY...

Today I want to share with you a new joy in my life.

A little slice of happiness given to me in the past couple of weeks.

NEW FAMILY PICS!!!!

Now is a time in our life that is chaotic, messy, uncertain... and also a time with the joy of littles... having each other around and time to laugh and play together.

It is a strange time... a time we captured with Sarah Hill a few weeks ago.

Sarah is absolutely adorable and SUPER easy to get along with. It was my first time meeting her... and I felt like I had known her for years. She is funny, trendy and way talented. Sarah came over one cloudy morning and spent some time with our family at home. Ryder was a bit off and clingy, turns out he got sick the very next day... Rigg was delightful! Go figure...

If you live in the Indy area and are looking for a great photographer, I suggest you check Sarah out!!

Here are just a few a ton of shots she captured! I love them.

LOVE THEM!!!

I know you will too...enjoy!

Cloudy with a chance of awesome

The Captain had his first MRI post surgery and radiation this past Tuesday.

I'm not gonna lie... I was nervous.

Well, nervous, yes... but mostly emotional.

And slightly twitchy.

It probably showed as I sat alone slightly weepy in the corner of the waiting room. 

I drew a few looks.

I'm not sure why I was so ill at ease. Most likely it has to do with my new mantra, you might recall... one day at a time. So I just pushed the MRI and all MRI related thoughts from my mind until the actual day was upon me. This new motto has it's up and down sides.

We were able to see the Captain's oncologist directly after his scan. 

After waiting hardly at all, she pulled up the pictures for us to see.

And it was really cloudy.

White, filmy, cloudiness  is what we saw in the tumor bed.

The issue with reading a MRI so soon after radiation is the build-up of radiation still left in the tumor bed. Which is expected, normal and a good thing, as the "left over" radiation is still in there and doing it's job. So the cloudiness could indicate scar tissue, tumor activity or radiation... or a mixture of the three. A specialist reads the scan and measures for profusion to see the activity of the tumor.

And we had to wait for that.

So we went home.

and waited.

I finally received a call from the doc. She said that it looked like Andy was negative for profusion.

"What's that mean?" I asked.

She replied that it looks that all the cloudiness in the Captains head seems to be residual radiation.

(she actually didn't use the words "the Captain" she just called him Andy...)

It was the best news we could have received at this time.

We still do not know how much of the tumor remains, how much is dying off or what it really looks like in there... but he will have another MRI in a month. Hopefully all the radiation will have faded by then and we can get a clearer picture of what is going on.

So we wait...

and Andy starts swallowing poison (chemo) 5 nights a month for a year.

My prayer going into this MRI was that we would leave hopeful and encouraged.

God is faithful in answering prayers.

I am both hopeful and encouraged.

I told Andy, even though we do not have a clear picture... and we still do not know what God is going to do, it is a possibility that God has already healed him and we just can't see it yet...

How awesome would that be?!?!?!

BUT...

Before we start speculating and running away with probabilities, we will rest in the expectant hope of God's goodness and power.

And we continue to pray for God's will to prevail.

No matter what that is.