How did I miss that?

Do you know what I found yesterday?

You will never believe it...well, may be you will.

You should because it is true.

My 4 and a half month old son...

He has 2 teeth.

How did I miss that?

Ugly

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried.


Saturday morning dawned bright and sunny over the Midwest landscape. I awoke to sun and blue skies. It was a perfect day to get all of the scheduled projects done...projects I had been much anticipating over the last few months. We had it all worked out. Big things were going to happen today.

Until the captain told me he didn't feel well...this was a wrench in my perfect plan. "lay down for a bit, maybe you will feel better." So he did. I fed the babe, cleaned up a bit...then went in and checked on the captain...he still felt terrible.

me: should I cancel the plans for today?
captain: yeah, I am sorry.
me: ok, fine.

I left the room very angry. I stomped into the kitchen, looked out at the backyard and ranted in my head. I am tired! I am tired of always having to make "game time" decisions. I am tired of having a husband that is sick, nauseated and exhausted from the chemo. I am tired of things never going my way!!! I think you could have seen steam come out of my ears. Right before me I saw my grand plans for the day crumble. All my projects did a little jig in my mind taunting me in their uncompleted state. I was angry...and then it happened.
I saw myself for what I really was...angry for no reason...complaining without merit...sinning.

It. was. ugly.

Was Andy's health not more important than my "to do" list? Was my goal for the day to be placed higher then a right attitude? Was not getting my way in such a small thing worth it? I mean, he can't really help being sick, the chemo messes with his immune system, and causes the fatigue. I had no reason in the world to be as mad as I was.

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried. hard. The captain deserved a better wife than that. I should be taking care of him. Not making him feel guilty for ruining my plan. I should be in enjoying my son, not sulking in the corner of the kitchen. I should make the most of the day God has given me.
I hung my head in shame and humiliation.

Andy came in and asked why I was on the floor.
because
what's wrong?
I am sorry. I am sorry you do not feel good. I am sorry I was such a jerk...I am so sorry.
are you OK?
go back to bed. you should be in bed. I am sorry.

I sat on the floor and asked Gods forgiveness for my sinful, childish behavior. I know He forgave me. (1John 1:9) I asked Andy's forgiveness too. He forgave me, even though I was a jerk.

Talk about taking you down a peg. God still has much work to do in me.
I think sometimes, even though I know in my head I have a long way to go, I secretly think that I am doing Ok. It is in times like the ones yesterday that God shows me how far from Ok I really am. How ugly my heart really is.
I am so thankful that when I see me for who I am without Christ, I can fall on my knees and crawl back to the only One who can forgive me. Who has already forgiven me...and has even taken the penalty for my sin.
 
It is interesting the moments that stick with us. As ugly as this moment in my life was, I have a feeling it will stick with me for a long time. Hopefully providing me with a good reminder of what is important. That and how much I need a Savior. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

On the way to church this morning I was thinking about yesterday. The song Only Grace came on.
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear


There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

A perfect way to sum up, I think. Grace to cover the ugly...Thank you God.

Like sister, like brother

Yesterday I put Rigg in the doorway jumper for the first time. He LOVED it. It didn't surprise me much. he loves being up-right and loves to kick his legs. This lets him do both without having to work as hard as the excersaucer and bumbo seat. He can just hang out, twirl, spin, kick and jump his heart away. As I was taking pictures of him in the jumper, I was suddenly struck by a since of deja vu. Caden loved the jumper as well...you might remember from here.

They are so alike and so different. As are most siblings, I am sure. The older he gets, the more he resembles her. But their personalities are very distinct. This is an answer to a prayer I prayed while pregnant. I asked God to make Rigg so much his own person that we would not expect Caden from him...that we would not try to make him into his sister...that we would enjoy Rigg for who God made him to be, not who we wanted him to be. God has answered...in many ways. One of which is He has given me a son who already knows the difference between HGTV and a football game on TV. He is much more interested in the football game, to the delight of his father. We could not be more happy to see Rigg blossom and grow with each passing day into who God made him to be.

It is a bit heart-wrenching sometimes seeing the shadow of his beautiful sister in his face and actions...or in his love of a certain toy or mirror. God knows...He prepared this for us a long time ago...

The end of an era...we hope.

Today is a much anticipated, long awaited day of sorts...today is the Captain's last day of chemo.

Tonight the Captain will swallow the last 2 poison pills, ahem, I mean, chemo pills and then he has completed the 6 months.

We are looking forward to more energy, less nausea and hopefully a tumor free future.

Andy' surgeon said no more MRI's until next April...Andy's Oncologist would like one after the chemo regimen is over...So we have one scheduled for November 16th. Please pray for the Captain. Andy hates MRI's. As well as the outcome of the scan...that it would be good and tumor free.

We will walk any road God has for us...we just hope it is going to be a little more downhill and sunny from here on out. Maybe a nice stroll through a flowery meadow...or a nice mosey beside a cool, bubbling brook. However if there are hills, mountains or rain in our future...we have a God who is bigger than them all.

Shared blessings

The Captain and I have been blessed a thousand times over this past year and a half-ish. We have had 2 beautiful babies. Have grown in our walk with Christ as well in our marriage. We have been showered and lavished with love and compassion. Blessings given to us by others, shared with us by them for Gods purpose and glory.
God has been caring, carrying, lifting me up and comforting me this past year. He has been with the Captain and I every step of the way. He has proven Himself over and over…I have seen His face, His hands, His feet and His heart more clearly than ever before…in the faces, arms, hands, feet and love of others.

There are things I will never forget about the day Caden died. One thing that sticks so soundly in my memory is leaving the back, quiet room of the hospital and walking out into the waiting room. There in the small emergency waiting room were about 20-30 of our friends and family…really they were all family. They hugged, cried and loved us. They grieved with us, for us. They showed Gods love and comfort right from the beginning…she had not been gone an hour and we were wrapped in Christ through them.
I distinctly remember seeing the face of a friend I have known almost all of my life. As Andy and I were walking out of the hospital she and her husband were walking up…we both reached out and I fell into her arms. I will never forget that moment and how much I love her for being there…how much it meant. Gods comfort in the arms of a friend.

It has struck me over and over again in the past year how much my heart rejoices when others remember my daughter. When I see a picture of her where I did not expect. When someone opens their bible next to me in church and I see a glimpse of her memorial handout. When someone shares that they have her sweet face on their fridge. I thank God that He gave us such wonderful blessings in the people that care…and love us enough to remember her.

Yesterday evening I was attending my weekly bible study. We sing hymns every week before we start. The second hymn was Be thou my Vision. My heart leaped and sank a little…that was what I would sing to Caden before bed every night. I love that song…and now I can’t sing it…not because I do not believe the words…but because I cry too hard to get them out…my lips move, my heart sings…but only sobs can be heard. I was sitting next to a girl I have known for a long time…we are friends, but not close. Right before the song I explained to her my attachment to this particular hymn.
Be thou my vision…tears, ugly face, hymnal bouncing because I cannot catch my breath…
Be thou my wisdom…a little more in control…mouthing the words, must keep eyes closed or breakdown will ensue.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise…still tears, God calm my heart…
High King of Heaven , my victory won, may I reach Heaven’s joys oh, bright Heaven’s Son. Heart of my own heart whatever befall, still be my vision, oh, ruler of all. I sang the words. The last verse…faint, but still audible…may I reach Heaven’s joys…
After the song, She put her arm around my shoulder. I looked over and she had tears in her eyes, this girl whom I have known of, but do not really know…my heart warmed. I reached out and took her hand. And there we sat. Holding hands. Now a memory of Gods goodness and comfort I will not soon forget.

What makes me even more happy is when someone says “our girl” or “our baby”. I LOVE when others think of her as theirs. How they have taken the hurt and loss so much to heart it is not just mine…it is theirs. I love the thought that she was everyone’s baby. I loved to share her when she was here. I love to share her even more now. And if we are going to be honest…she was never really mine to begin with. She was Gods. She IS Gods. To do with as He likes, in His way and His timing…for His glory.

My prayer for Andy and I is that we share Rigg so completely with others that he is theirs as well. For blessings are meant to be shared.

Big guy

Rigg had his 4 month check up today. And we have confirmed what we really knew all along...we have a

on our hands.

 

Stats are as follows:  Weight 17.8 lbs. 95th percentile.

                                Height 28in. off the charts!!

                                Head size...50th percentile.

 

All looks good with our big guy. And just to prove how good he looks...

Oh, I just love those dimples!

First Holloween

OK, so it isn't the best pic in the world...but it is the only one I got with just him and a full view of the shirt...which, I think you will agree, is really the whole outfit!
Good grief!And because the outfit came early...but she was gone too soon...

Pieces

I have come to think of Caden's death not as the moment my life revolves around (as I did for such a long time) but as the moment where God forever changed my perspective and understanding about my life.

I know I have mentioned it so often before, but since her death I long deeply for Heaven...for the day that pain and hurt and the loss of her is no more. I long for what my heart aches for. Most days it is her...simply her. Other days it is rest, some days it is a desire for days without worry, without uncertainty...still others it is a desire without a name...a desire for Jesus I suppose, for an end to this hindered, encumbered, half-life we lead in a sinful, decaying world.

I remember when I was pregnant with Rigg wondering how I was going to do it. Love one baby and miss another. How would I carry the baton of two such separate emotions and the banner of two such separate identities. A mother of a precious son, the mother of a lost daughter. How do you carry on? How do you keep her memory alive, how do I rejoice and grieve at the same time...in the same hour...at the same moment?

I have come to realize that life, all of life, is like a puzzle.
I remember a couple of years ago trying to put together this ridiculous puzzle of nothing but flowers. All pink flowers and green leaves. I am not sure I ever finished. I do remember multiple times looking at a piece, thinking it would never fit, and then, SNAP, there was me, staring in amazement that it did, in fact, fit.
The pink petals and green leaves were so intertwined that the edge of one pink piece fit in perfectly with the edge of a green piece. Overlapping and connecting to form the picture.

God has fit my grief pieces perfectly together with my rejoicing pieces. I was thinking of this today while I was crying over Caden. Missing her today brought the ache and the tears. I was holding my son, calming him before I put him down for a nap and he started giggling. And while the tears were still wet and running down my face, I felt joy.

SNAP. They fit perfectly. I felt them both in the same instant. Grief. Joy. And I am sure in Gods sight, it makes a whole picture.

I came across a song and a video most of you have probably seen and/or heard. It sings the song of my heart. And at the same time reminds me I am just one of many. Who have lost a daughter, a child, a future, a dream. One of many who suffer and await the day Christ welcomes us home.
Home.



This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Who doesn't love a baby in a bath?

The Captain and I used to love to give Caden her bath. It was such a fun time because she loved the water and bath toys so much.
She would splash and kick and chew on the toys. One of her favorites was a hippo that could squirt water. As soon as you would start to squirt the water out of the hippo she would stick out her tongue so the stream of water could hit it. It was so funny.

I knew when I was pregnant with Rigg that a lot of small things would be difficult for us once he was born. Not because of Rigg. Because we had such wonderful memories attached to the small things with Caden. Like bottle feeding on Sunday mornings, or baby Einstein video's...or bath time.

Bath time seemed the hardest hurdle for Andy to jump. It was not because he didn't want to be involved in giving his son a bath...it just brought up so many memories of his precious baby girl. It was a struggle. Since Rigg's birth I have been the bath giver. I have patiently waited for God to heal the Captain's heart. I have prayed that Andy would start to help more and more with bath time and by doing so build up more wonderful memories of bath time with his son.

Just this past Tuesday night I asked the Captain to help with bath time. He agreed. He usually helps prep, and cleanup...but rarely stays for the sudsing and cleaning portion of the bath. This time he lingered in the bath room while Rigg was in the tub. We had such a great time...and took a video just to prove it.



It is wonderful to see Gods hand heal our hearts in the little things. For in the little things, big memories are made. Maybe that is why the little things leave such big hurts when they are gone.

A boy and his exersaucer

What boy doesn't love his exersaucer?  It is useful for so many things such as...

 standing up like a big boy

or chewing on your fingers,

making scrunch faces,

or pleasant faces,

or "hey whatcha think you're doin'?" faces,

he has the ability to drool uninhibited,

but mostly a boy loves his exersaucer because it makes him

SMILE!

Oh, OK...one more.