Our Story.. or, the beginning...

How do you sum up life in words? How do you shrink love, anger, sadness, hope, sickness, and a myriad of other emotions and happenings into sentences and paragraphs? It seems not enough, or not sufficient enough to portray who we really are or what God has done for us. Because really, life, and these sorry sentences that are to follow are not about me or my family, but about God and the honor and glory due Him for what He has done… and will continue to do.

How do you sum up life in words? I have no idea… but I am going to try.

My name is Cari. I am married to a wonderful, Godly man, named Andrew. I call him Captain, you know, because I love him more then I can say… and because nicknames are fun… but mostly because I love him.

We were married on July10th 2004. It was stinkin’ hot. It thundered and down poured while we stood in front of God and man and became one. The sun came out just as the “I do’s” were pronounced. Rain and sun joined together that day to form a wonderful memory and a great lesson. You cannot truly be as thankful for the sun (for an outdoor reception, no less) unless you have been through the storm.

About two and a half years later we had purchased a house, dog and a new car. And then one Wednesday afternoon in May 2007, I declared to the Captain that we would be joined by a new blessing. We were going to have a baby the following January.

A perfect pregnancy. A HUGE belly. And on January 24th 2008, a baby girl born without a hitch. A healthy 8.9 lbs 22 inches long. Full head of black hair. Caden Joelle was ushered into the world with much joy and thankfulness.

What can you say about your first baby? Not enough. You learn so much by being a parent. You realize so much about yourself and about love and about 2:30 am. About selfishness and selflessness… about diapers and car seats and how to accept other peoples comments and opinions graciously.

Caden was wonderful. Perfect in our eyes… beautiful. She was never sick, never had an ear infection.. Always at the top of the growth charts. Smiley, giggly, social. And like a good girl, she looked good in pink.

In September of 2008, days before Caden would have been 8 months old she came down with a fever. 3 days of fever and no appetite. Over a weekend, of course. On the 4th day the fever was gone. We went to the Dr. She was diagnosed with Rosiola (sp?) Later that afternoon Caden had a seizure. She never came out of it and was taken home to Heaven.

The autopsy come back with no answer… a perfectly healthy baby. We were blessed by some Dr.’s wanting to search further . Some samples from the autopsy were sent to specialists. They have no answer either. A could have, or a possibly, or a theory were all talked about and discussed. But no hard and fast “this is the reason” was ever found.

I am perfectly at peace with not knowing. I feel it makes it a little easier. I cannot worry and fret over what could have been or if anyone was at fault… especially myself. God knows what we need… and He knew I would do better with His answer… which is, a reminder to trust unwaveringly in a sovereign, holy, loving God. Hard to do… but worth it.

6 weeks after losing our precious Caden, I gave the Captain a birthday present. He unwrapped it to discover a positive pregnancy test. After much rejoicing and laughter and tears, he asked if he could throw it away… evidently a peed-on birthday gift was not going to be a keeper.

As it turns out, this new pregnancy was, as all pregnancy’s are, a gift from God. And it had amazing and miraculous timing. I was 6 weeks pregnant with this baby exactly 6 weeks after Caden died. I had only had 1 period after Caden was born and I was still on birth control… when God wants you to have a baby, you have a baby.

We found out later it was to be a boy. I think we were both slightly disappointed. I know I was not yet ready to give up the pink and ruffles and all things girl. But if I am really honest, it is not that I wanted a girl so badly, it is that I wanted my girl.

Again, resting in Gods choice for us, we started to get excited about a little boy… whatever that may look like.

Then one crisp April morning as I was entering my 7th month of pregnancy, our world turned up-side down once again. On April 7th, 2009 I awoke at 5 am to an incredible shaking. It took me a minute to realize what was happening. The Captain was having a massive seizure.

I called 911.

The paramedics were here in a flash and before we knew what was going on we were at the hospital for tests. By lunch an MRI had been done and a large tumor found on his left frontal lobe. Surgery was scheduled for Friday…it was Tuesday afternoon.

So, on Good Friday, 2009 the Captain and I woke early and drove to the hospital, where a very kind and much prayed over surgeon cut into my husbands head as family, friends and I paced, ate and waited nervously to hear the outcome.

It was good news. They were able to get a gross total resection. Later it was suggested, based on the biopsy of the tumor, the Captain undergo 6 months of chemo, which he did.

He started his first round right before our son was born. So it was a very pregnant Cari and a very tired Captain that made their way to the hospital one summer morning to welcome their son into the world.

Rigg Allen was born on June19th 2009. He was 8.9 lbs and 22 inches long… the exact length and weight as his sister! Although they measured the same, they looked completely different. God’s grace once again. He knew what we could handle.

In 2010 I was able to tell an unobservant Andy about our newest addition. We welcomed Ryder Andrew into our crazy family on January 14th 2011. Our boys are sweet, sweet reminders of God's grace and blessings. We are privileged to be able to hold, love and raise 2 sons. And challenged to do it with grace and some semblance of calm and sanity.

Since Caden's death we have struggled. With missing our baby girl, with Chemo treatments, with learning how to walk this road God has laid before us with grace and acceptance. We have learned and changed so much these past couple of years…hopefully in a way that honors and glorifies God. We have laughed and cried and been angry. We have grown closer together with one another, as a family and with friends. God has changed our perspective in life. We now bear the marks of a holy battle, scars that one day I hope to lay at Jesus’ feet and pray they are worthy of Him.

Heaven is now so real. The hope of His promise something to be grasped. The knowledge of His second coming is like a Christmas morning to a 5 year old… excitement, anticipation… why can it not be now, today?

No matter when he is coming, be it today, tomorrow, when I am 87 or later… I want to be ready. I want to handover what I have done with my life as a gift… I want to rest in His peace and perfection. I want to see my sweet Caden again.

And I will, because He is coming. And what a glorious day it will be.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.