Monday, December 29, 2008

There will be a day

Christmas is past. Well, at least the 2008 version. Christmas was nice. We had good times with all the fam. A friend came in from Canada, others from New York and Dallas, one cousin almost passing out in pain from what we think might be a gallbladder thingy, a new cousin (Baylor Wayne Cobb, 6 lbs. 8 oz. 19 in.) and I got to scrub vomit out of my Aunts carpet. (not the best job for a pregnant lady with an over-active gag reflex!) So all in all a pretty well rounded holiday.

It is an interesting thing. When you are bracing yourself for a tough day, it is usually the ones that follow that are the hardest. Today was a good day, but I cried a lot. I spent some time with 2 of my best friends. I was able to go with one to Cadens grave. It is still so hard to go and see my baby girls name etched in stone followed by all the days she lived here on this earth. We hugged and cried. I am blessed beyond measure with the friends God has given Andy and I.
It is one thing when people say they are sorry, it is another when they cry and feel the pain with you. I know all of my tears the Lord keeps. (Psalm 56:8) Mine as well as yours. But one day there will be no more tears. I love the Jeremy Camp song There will be a Day. I cry when I hear it on the radio. Because I love it so much, I have posted the lyrics at the bottom. ( ok so I added it to my playlist too...)

Speaking of tears, Andy has informed me that if I continue to cry during worship at church (which I do not see stopping anytime soon) that I should sit in the back as to not make a scene. This was said with a smile and a bit of sarcasm, but I think he meant it too :) I did have a friend say she could no longer sit behind me because she couldn't make it through worship without crying. Maybe next week, I will take a seat in back for the sake of those around me :)

As this year draws to a close, I am forced to reflect on all the Lord has taught me these past 365 days. This year has contained more joy and more sadness than I can even comprehend. I became a mother this past year. I learned what it was to love without getting in return. I have felt pain beyond what I have experienced before. I have leaned on God more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life. I have not found Him wanting. He is all He has ever claimed to be. My list could go on and on.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long You feel your walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Little of this...

Today I woke up and cried. For some reason I couldn't stop. I went in and sat in my baby girls empty room and wept. Some days, like today, the hurt is more than I can deal with. It is like a big awkward box I carry around that I have no place for. Too big for this place, too heavy to sit on that, so I continue to stand there, not knowing what to do with it. So I hold it. And cry.

The past few days have been really good ones, for no other reason then I have spent them with good friends and have had good conversations. I suppose when you have a long string of good days, a hard one tends to loom on the horizon. I do think the crying might be past me today...Andy informed me I simply could not apply my make-up properly if I continued crying.

He was right.

So, for the sake of all those poor souls who have to view my face later today, I stopped the tears and finished the job credibly, if I do say so myself.

This past Thursday I had a Dr.'s apt. I was able to hear the heartbeat of baby Chastain for the 1st time. It was wonderful. 171 beats per min. I have a recording of the beautiful sound. Andy was unable to come, so I took a tape recorder so he could hear it. If you see me and want to hear it, I carry it around in my you can hear it too!

2 Fridays ago, I spent the afternoon with 3 people I love. we spent the entire afternoon baking and decorating cookies. Stacey came down with her beautiful son, Mindy came over with hers, and Barb gave us her kitchen to destroy. I will leave you some pictures of the fun.

I just want to say thank you to all of you who continue to hold us up to our heavenly Father in prayer. This Christmas is going to be very difficult for us. We know many of you are prayer warriors for our sake. I cannot express in words how grateful I am for you...I thank God every day for you.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Almost Famous

So last night was a blast.

I went with my friend Jen to see Selah in concert.

As most of you might know I have a healthy obsession with the singing group...I have a couple of their songs attached to this blog, as well as sing many more at the top of my lungs when they are played on the radio or throughout my house...I might do it at your house if I am ever there and you are playing them on the radio as well. was AWESOME. They can sing people!!! Oh can they sing. I laughed, I cried, I worshiped...I wanted it to go on for ages and forever. But alas. It had to end.

So another fun thing....I got to meet 'em! Yup. shake hands and talk to them and everything. I really wanted to talk to Todd Smith because his wife writes the blog I stalk (this one) and I wanted to tell him how much of an encouragement she has been to me after Caden died. Well I got to talk to him and I told him how much I love his wife and about my sweet Caden. He was very nice. As I was talking I felt every part of the blubbering idiot I was, I just know I wanted to tell him all these things, because his family and his wife have meant so much to me. Only when I left did I remember that not one time did I mention how much I love his music!!! Can you believe I left that out!!!! I mean, HELLO. The man just spent the better part of two hours singing his heart out and all I say is " Hi, I lost my daughter too...I LOVE YOUR WIFE AND HER BLOG!!" ( or something to this effect) and didn't even mention that I am slightly obsessed with the wonderful group he sings in!!!!


Anyway. I did get a pic with the group. You will kindly notice that I am behind the signing table WITH them, as if I am part of the group...that's right folks, just hanging with the band!

Enjoy the pic. (thanks, Mark, for having your camera phone ready!)