Friday, February 6, 2015


After Caden died, I had this nagging fear that she would be forgotten... that no one would remember she lived... that no one would remember I was once the mommy of a sweet baby girl. I doubted God would provide what I wanted... I feared so many things because I was uncertain what my future held... I was uncertain that I could be truly joyful again... I feared... I was afraid. Grief does that... It magnifies things like fear and doubt.
I remember wanting to scream at people who would smile at my belly (when I was pregnant with Rigg). I wanted to shout that I had already had a child... I was not a first time mother... I had a baby. I didn't do that. It would have been rude to scream in strangers' faces... and more to the heart of the matter, although I wanted them to know, I didn't want to see the look on their face when I told them. So I kept quiet.
As it turns out. I have people who love me very much, and people who love you very much tend to remember when hard and life-changing events happen to you.
God proved Himself faithful to calm my heart and fill me with peace regarding so many things with Caden's death.  
After Caden, I remember God showing me such wonderful things about Himself. He taught me that I could trust Him with the hardest things... He did this by providing for all my needs, big and small. By showing up in the strangest of places and reminding me He was with me. God proved His faithfulness to me and to every promise He declared in scripture. I found them all to be undeniably true.
Since then, I have rejoiced in the knowledge of things already learned... I have tried to remember the truths of His faithfulness...His graciousness to me. I strive to preach the things I know to myself so that I not only remember... but so that I can lean into them when I am weak.
God has allowed me to have a firm grasp on what He taught me through my grief with Caden, and because of that, this trial, this road I have walked alongside Andy... and after Andy, this road is not the same kind of hard. I do not doubt the things I did before, I do not fear as I did after Caden.
God proved Himself in my hardest time. I am blessed to remember so well the things He did. And because of that I trust in His word and faithfulness to me.
This time what I see God magnifying in my life is His sovereignty; His power and authority over my life. I am seeing how my big, mighty, gracious, loving and holy God not only has a right to cause or allow any and all things that happen to me... but He knew, He planned, He designed, He orchestrated it all... His hand has and will direct each moment... His fingerprints grace each breath... He has gone before and He goes behind.
My Savior is actively sovereign in my days.
{ From my Instagram ~ When Caden died, the couple at the grave marker place were so incredibly kind to the Captain and me. They too, had lost a young daughter years before and their empathy and encouragement was something Andy and I always remembered. I went back today to order a headstone for Andy...and the same sweet woman who hugged me and talked boldly about how good God is, lost her husband last year too. She and I have been brought together for brief meetings but have walked parallel paths. She speaks, with tears in her eyes, of a God who loves her greatly and has a divine purpose for her life. These moments, past and present, that I've shared with her are times I know God has given to me as a gift. To prove tangibly He is caring for me, He is guiding me... and He loves me greatly and has a divine purpose for my pain. It's in these moments... that are supposed to be hard and gut wrenching... my God shows up and shines... and I am restored with Hope and much Joy.}
I see God's provision, not to merely sustain me and keep me afloat, but to teach me more about Him... to guide me to live according to His wishes, not my own. He is gently leading me as a shepherd does his sheep.
I have witnessed so many little snippets of grace these past weeks. God shining in the details. Proving that He has this...that He knows not only what is happening to me, but He knows the plan... the why, the how, and the end.
Since the Captain has passed into glory, I have not seen the same facets of God that I did after Caden... I still do see those... But this time... this time God is magnifying a different attribute of Himself to me. I am learning not only to trust God because He is faithful... But to trust His faithfulness because He is sovereign.
He is taking me deeper.
Do not misunderstand me. I still struggle...I still cry. I still have days where I want to scream and pull out my hair. I live days where I cannot wait for bedtime.
But God is in those days too.
I was playing a game with the boys the other night. The overwhelming desire to see and talk with Andy swept over me... and I missed him so greatly in that moment. I started to cry. Rigg asked me why I was crying. I told him I missed daddy... and sometimes missing someone comes out as tears. Both boys expressed how they to miss their daddy. Then we hugged and spoke of Heaven and what daddy might be doing. Which quickly turned into what they want to do when they get to Heaven...

which proved they have excellent imaginations.
Lately, when singing during worship at church, I cry. I just cannot get the picture of Andy worshipping in the presence of Christ out of my mind. When I sing to God about His holiness, His faithfulness... His glory and majesty and might... I an overwhelmed with the knowledge that what I am longing for... what I an eagerly anticipating; Heaven and glory and being with my Savior... the Captain is living now. I cry because it is an awesome thought... and I am so grateful.

I am just seeing the beginning of understanding, I am in the warm-up... but I do know that God has it all. He provided for me in every chapter of my life. He provided Andy for me, that is what He had for me then... and I know He has provided for me not only now... but each and everyday that follows this one. He is already there, already designing my moments... He is guiding and leading each breath until I can join Caden... until I see the Captain... Until I too, can sing and praise and worship Christ in Glory. 
 God is sovereign.