Monday, August 31, 2009

Because I was wrong

The other day I was laughing at myself...or really what someone thought of me. I considered it too high a complement. Thinking out loud to a friend that I am much more screwed up and off kilter than people realize. She laughed with me for a minute ,but did not agree completely. She made a good point, and I have been thinking about it a lot since.
I was laughing about someone saying I was a great example and I had good insight. "If they only really knew me." I said aloud. She told me that she knew the real me and I was still able to teach her things. We discussed this a little further in light of Caden and her passing (incidentally, still a phrase I dislike). We spoke of things she thought of or that I had said at one point in time.
The discussion went as follows.
I remembered standing at the edge of her counter one day, listening to the baby monitor. Caden was crying because she was having a hard time getting to sleep for a morning nap. We were discussing how nerve racking it was to have a crying baby at nap time. I remember saying "oh well, she will live to scream another day."
After I recalled this memory we both teared up. She and I sat with tears in our eyes for a few min before I said, Oh well...and moved on. She asked how I didn't think about stuff like that all day long. I replied that if I did, it would be bad day after bad day...I do not think I could live that way, as well as it has no value. What good does it do me, or anyone for that matter to think sad and terrible things all day long.
Then a verse came to mind.

Philippians 4:8
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I said I think I was just wired in a way to think positive...

But then she made an excellent point. The point I have been thinking about since our discussion.

She said, I am not giving God enough credit...she might have said it in a nicer, more tactful way,being the nice and wonderful person that she is... but in the end it comes to the same thing. God deserves the credit for transforming my mind from thinking about sinful, unprofitable things, to thinking about pure, righteous things.

I knew Philippians 4:8. God has used it in my life, and I was essentially taking credit for God's work by saying I think this way because that is just who I am.

When I know I am a sinful person...I cannot do good in and of myself.
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Isaiah 64:6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
The only good I can do is if God does it through me...and that includes changing my thought patterns and my thinking.

So in order to give credit where credit is due, I need to give a big thanks. To my friend for loving me enough to point out I was wrong. But mostly to God, for loving me enough to change me, to better me...even though I do not deserve it.

To God alone be the glory.

Friday, August 28, 2009

because I promised

So, here are some pics from the wedding weekend. Some are from wedding day, others from dress rehearsal, and still others from just hanging out with family. It was such a fun weekend. I took all pics I was not in...except the 2nd one, the captain and I both took that one...

The fam.

the Captain and me

Nope, not his birthday, just a crown we found lying around...and as you
can see, the captain was thrilled to pieces to be wearing it!

another attempt to get a family shot, too bad
little bit was sound asleep.

Some of the beautiful decor.

the bride and groom...looking stunning.
Wasn't her dress amazing?

who doesn't love a trio of wedding kids?
the 2 on the right are my cousins.
the one on the left is not family...although she is considered as such.
My most wonderful photo from wedding day! they were beautiful
as well as innocent and sweet...Caden would have been a wonderful addition
to their splendor. Can you see why I couldn't stop crying????
so cute

and who doesn't love a little man in a sweater vest?
OK, I know what you are going to say....Cari, where is Rigg in his 3 piece ensemble? Well, I was so busy I forgot to take a pic. Not to worry, the photographer too plenty. And I plan on cheating and putting him in it here at home to get a few shots...
happy weekend!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I cried

The wedding is now behind us.

It was lovely.

Sara was gorgeous. Her dress was stunning...

Pictures you say? well, I have some, but the camera is acting up...and my cousin has the rest and best on her her house...2 hours away. So until I get organized and get will have to settle for my thoughts about the wedding.

I was telling the captain that being the matron of honor when your sister is getting married is almost as good as being the bride. You get to dress up, share in some of the glory, spend the day with all of your family, but you have none of the pressure. It was great.

Rigg looked smashing in a 3 piece suite, necktie and pocket square to boot! He was a prince all day. He is seriously the most chill baby ever. My good friend Chelsea helped take care of him while I was off running around with the wedding party getting my photo snapped and whatnot.

I cried on and off all day long. Although it was my only sisters wedding and she looked awesome and I was getting my very first brother, and I loved every min of the day, as well as was spilling over with happiness for my tears were not those of joy. I missed my baby girl so much that day I physically ached. She would have been there, in the midst of the mayhem and chaos squealing and running up and down the halls with her cousins. She would have been the flower girl with the smallest bare feet and littlest dress. She would have ran down the aisle into my arms. Instead she was absent. The void she left that day was everywhere. I saw her face everywhere I looked. She whispered in my ear in crowded rooms, she ran just beyond my sight in the hallway, she left her sent as the beautiful flower girls raced around playing with each other...missing a third, smaller version of themselves. They were precious, and lovely, and heartrendingly sad. I could not tare my eyes away from them, I could not look at them with out crying. All the tissues in the church could not stop the flow of my tears that day.
When I walked down the aisle, I carried my son. He was cuddly and warm and wonderful. He smelled of baby and looked like a little man. As I walked I heard awes and little gasps from those in attendance. They were in love with this little guy in a 3 piece tan suite. About halfway down I started to cry...although I had my son, the fact that my daughter was missing was what was apparent. After I handed him off to the captain and ascended the stairs, I looked around and saw many women wiping tears away. I looked over at Ryan...the groom, and he was crying, with as much of a smile as he could muster he mouthed..."pull it together!" I smiled and winked. I briefly lost it again when the flower girls came down the aisle...she would have been right in the middle, she would have been a shining beauty...but she was not there. I cried.
Sara and Ryan had a little paragraph about her in the program.
"While our hearts are overflowing with blessings on this special day, they also ache endlessly, forever missing our beautiful Caden Joelle. Can't you just see her adorable tiny chubby feet as she walked in between Cassi and Maura as our littlest flower girl? While we walk among rose petals today, Caden walks among angels, forever with our Lord. Until we see her again, Lord come quickly."
I cried when I read it...I cried when,during the video of Sara and Ryan they had a couple pics of Caden with Sara. I cried.
My aunt told me later that my cousin, who was one of the beautiful flower girls, remembered the church from when she came for Caden's funeral. She asked if "this was the same place we came to see Caden in her treasure box?" I cried.

In less then one month she will be gone a year. One year. 365 days. 525,600 min. I have hurt every one of those min. I have longed for heaven every one of those 365 days.
I miss her.
I hurt.
I cry.
I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put on a brave face.
Psalm 30:5 says weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It was time to rejoice, so after the wedding, with the red, bloodshot eyes and all, I busted out the mad dance skills...
that's right, it ain't only the single ladies who can shake their tail feather to Beyonce!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Still here

Oh, yes, I am still alive. No worries.

This is wedding week...the sis is getting hitched in 2 days! Lots to do, not so much time to do it know how it is.

I have been spending some time sorting and filing pictures on the computer. We lots more than I remembered. It has been fun and emotionally draining. Love seeing the pics of my kids, bit I hurt to now that pictures are the only way I can see Caden. Tears and smiles, separately and together, all mixed my thoughts and feelings. Happy, sad, laugh, cry, up, down. Sheesh!

I was chatting with a lady the other day. She was telling me how she had all of her kids together for dinner at a Steak N Shake...She has, not Steak N Shakes...anyhoo...her kids are scattered all over the globe, and she had them all together for dinner. She had tears in her eyes as she relayed the tale. So did I. Because the only thing I thought of was that I would never experience having all of my children together for dinner...never. Some families get this privilege every night. I will never have it, not once. So we stood in a crowded hall with tears in our eyes, me and this lady. I am sure she thought I was a lovely compassionate woman, as I was empathizing with her and her story...she didn't now about Caden. So many people don't...what a shame, she was worth knowing.

Know who else is worth knowing...the Riggster.

How was that for a super lame transition?

But he is. And I have been having some fun with him and my baby cousin.

Crakes me up! I really do laugh out loud at how stupid some of the expressions are! They are really going to be fun in a couple of months...and I will be super tired for chasing them around all day!

Rigg is such a chill baby. He hardly ever cries, and he is just starting to smile...once in a blue moon. I think he might be a serious little man, so I will cherish every smile I get, and hope it is in reaction to seeing me, and not just from gas...

Either way, smile or no, he is a good looin' kid.

Well, he is when his mama isn't laughing and taking pictures at his expense...

Monday, August 17, 2009


While cleaning out a desk this weekend the captain came back into the room proclaiming loudly that he had found goodies...picture CD's with lots of fun pics of me and the captain...

So being the nice person that I am, I decided to share.

You're welcome.

These first few are from our honeymoon. We went to Marco Island.
July of '04

who doesn't love a self shot photo?and a nice sweet smile from the captain, either that or
he was asking if there was food in his teeth...Just because I was sooo skinny, or at least compared to my now self...

In Colorado, on Trail Ridge Road, I was 3 months pregnant with Caden.
Summer of '07.
Hiking a mountain in Colorado, or sitting on one anyway...
at a friends wedding in December of '06
These were pics my dad took for a Christmas present for my In-Laws.
It was the day after Thansgiving in '06.
These are Andy's sisters and our nephew.

Then in October of '07 dad took some shots when I was prego with Caden...
This is my sister, who is getting married on Friday
My belly was bigger, just in case you couldn't tell...
Ahh, memories, so much fun. Hope you enjoyed. Now I must go feed a baby.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Quite possibly

Quite possibly the cutest boys ever...
Quite possibly the best little man face in the world..

Quite possibly the sweetest sleeping babe in existence...

Quite possibly the most personalized child anywhere...

Quite possibly I am a bit biased...but he is mine, and he is cute, and sweet and THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!
Just sayin'...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Good, oh, so good.

So I am totally behind in telling the great news.

Yesterday morning we went to the neurologist and were told and shown the results of the Captains MRI...

TOTALLY CLEAR!!! No spots, lesions or, well, anything!

Dr. S said the next MRI is scheduled for next April, the captain will also have an EEG. If everything is clear and normal, then they will discuss taking him off his anti-seizure meds...

It was truly a Tuesday of which I totally missed the great opportunity to blog about because I am lazy and busy and more lazy...whatever.

I was laying in bed the other night thinking about what I had written on my last post. About who would volunteer to go where God had planned for them if they could see what they would have to go through...A verse came to mind. It is about the Israelites, when they left Egypt.

Psalm 77:19
Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

I have long loved this verse. I love the thought of looking back and seeing God's plan. Of grasping even a small portion of His purpose after traversing tumultuous waters and not understanding. I love knowing the hard kept faith was worth everything it might have cost.

I was thinking all of these things before we knew of the captains good news...before I knew the water would continue to be calm for awhile longer...God is good no matter what. Calm or rough sea...God is good. It is just nice to remind yourself once and awhile.

Monday, August 10, 2009


I never know what to say when someone mentions liking my blog...or that The captain and I are an encouragement or inspiration...I just never know what to say.
Which may surprise some of you, because usually you can't shut me up...I will talk to anything that stands still long enough.
It is an interesting thing accepting a compliment for something like my blog... it is not like basking in the glow of a "you look wonderful in that dress" comment or something similar. When people say they enjoy my blog...they are admitting they have read my thoughts. Granted, I have put them down on paper(?)/screen?) for people to see...but it is still weird.
Weird to be on the other side of that comment. I am usually comfortably seated on the side of being encouraged by others situations or attitudes...their faith. It is weird being on the opposite be the encourager, the complimented...weird!
Most of my writing here is an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when they become to heavy for me to carry around all day. I sit, type, and then feel better. I do not journal and the thought of scrap booking makes me twitch (because it is the forever unfinished project...that and I think I could get lost in all the magnificent doohickeys that are used for such projects...I do love a good scrapbook, I just do not want to have to make it...) So this is my release, my only stamp in time to look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling...what was happening at that point in our lives. This blog is for me...the fact that others read it is me an audience to address, and comments are great and encouraging to me. But the idea that I, my blog, my family, my faith is encouraging to others still, quite frankly, stymies me.
I think I feel this way because I now how much I fail. How short I measure up. How everyday is such a struggle sometimes just to get through. How I have to keep going back to scripture, keep reminding myself what God has promised, what He has said...that this is only temporary. I feel sad, depressed, lost and angry more than I should. I sit and stare at pictures of Andy and I and Caden and wonder what would have been
If she were still here, what would she look like? How would her voice sound? Would she look like me? How would she like her brother?
If Andy had never had a brain tumor what would life look like? What would we have done with all the time he was on chemo? Would we be more carefree? Would we not worry as much about the future?
I could go on and on about how I fall short...but we all do.

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

The only thing that makes me remarkable is Christ. He made me, He laid out the pathways of my life, He leads me on those roads, whether dark and winding or light and straight, He lives and shines through me...despite my shortcomings, my weaknesses. He.
not me.

Romans 11:33-36
33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I have a friend who tells me all the time with awe, how smart God is because of such and such...because He knew what we could not...I laugh every time she says it...of course He is smart..He is God. But she is so right.
33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!

If we could see where God wanted to take us, who would go? If you could see only the circumstance, the pain, the heartache, the trouble, the hurt, the mess...who would volunteer?

All we have to go on is the promise of God knowing more. Being there always. And there will be an end to it all with Him waiting for us with open arms...we know nothing of the is all trust and pressing on.
So everyday, every time I fall, fail, resist, get sad, mad or angry...every time Cari takes over...I get more lost, more hurt, more angry...more alone. I just fail miserably until I turn back to Him. The One who knows the way and can keep me on track. Because He is so smart...

I am glad to have an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. I am thankful that God has held me up and brought me back on track. And if my failures, my shortcomings, my stumblings and grumblings happen to help or encourage others so be still think it is weird.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

If you would be so kind

I am still in my PJ's.

I have managed to eat lunch, which is more than I can say for breakfast.

I have successfully fed 2 babies (watching my baby cousin again) twice and changed each babe just as many they are both down for naps with a minimum amount of screaming/crying/fussing...what better time to write a post...or do the dishes or brush my teeth...not that I have waited until after 2 to do such a thing, I mean how disgusting and unsanitary would I be if I had not yet brushed my teeth...who are we kidding folks...I am that person, multiple times a week I can be that person...poor captain!

I ran errands in the sweltering humidity yesterday, toting a bouncing baby boy in the process. I think I lost about 4 pounds just by sweating. No worries, though, I found it today by lunch time! I got some ribbon and candles and other decor for my sisters wedding. I also got very sore arms from all the cutting I had to do with pruning sheers to assemble the center pieces.(they consist of sticks and twirly sticks...very natural and pretty) I am going to have arms that are more toned than Madonna...well, I would, if I made these particular center pieces everyday...which I don't...oh well.

The Captain has been on his 3rd round of Chemo this week. It has been the smoothest round as of yet. He also has his 1st MRI since the surgery at 9 am tomorrow morning. The captain hates MRI's. He is claustrophobic and the large metal tube of doom stresses the man out. So if you would be so kind as to pray for him tomorrow...heck, pray for him tonight to! We probably won't hear anything about the results until early next week. So peace of mind over the weekend is a prayer request as well. We see the neurosurgeon early in the morning next Tuesday, then we will know what the MRI said.
As I mentioned before, it is easy for me to worry about my husband. I am sure it is even easier for him to worry about himself. I have been battling with worry and fear more this year than I have my whole life. It is prayers from friends, family and strangers that have helped to keep my mind at ease these past few months, that and Christ...let's not forget Him! He has held us up when we were the weakest and given us strength and hope. I know no matter what the MRI will show that it will be OK...but sometimes OK is not what I would have wanted or planned...But I will rest in Christ and His plan for me and my family...this is just a bit easier when we have been bathed in, if you would be so kind...

and just because I laughed an evil kind of laugh while I did it...a picture of my son with his paci on his head while he sleeps peacefully on my mothers chair. It was a long day yesterday...I had to have a little comic relief.
I took both pics with my camera phone...sorry for the poor quality.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Because in 10 min. I am supposed to feed the baby

Because in 10 min. I am supposed to feed the baby, I decided to write a post...

I have a ton of things to do today, all of which I am expertly procrastinating. I need to do my hair and put on make up, especially the mascara! I need to get dressed and probably brush my teeth...I need to change and feed the babe as well as load up the diaper bag and whatnot for a long day out. You see we are running wedding errands...for my sister, not me, I am already married....
You see my sister was supposed to get married in December, but than her and brother-in-law-to-be decided to move the date up to August about 6 weeks ago. Which for all those math majors out there gives them a grand total of 8 weeks to get it all done. And since she lives in another state, but is getting married in this one, she need some hands and feet to do the running for her...I just happen to have some, be them weighted down with a new son or not, I am a woman on a mission for candles and ribbon and other such niceties....( I have no grammar or sentence structure in this blog...some days the run-on's can really run on...sorry 'bout that for all the English Nazi's!)

So now I am supposed to feed the baby in 2 min. and I still sit here on my derriere and write about what I am supposed to be doing instead of actually doing what I am supposed to be doing...ahhh, you gotta love the Internet for a pointless distraction.

I need to get my lovely Matron of Honor dress altered as well as check the church for the decorations that are already provided...then this evening I am putting together center know, for my sister. If I didn't have a 7 week old son, I would really be enjoying myself. I LOVE A PROJECT!!! You see, many of you probably do not know this, but I went to school for interior design. So decorating, whether a room, or for a wedding sends me into creative heaven. I do get to dabble in my intended field every now and again...this keeps the juices running and me from completely annoying the Captain with "let's change this" and "can we repaint the bedroom?" and "how 'bout we reupholster the headboard?" (all of which I am planning on doing....if I could just save up the cash....)

So because I was supposed to feed the baby 4 min ago...I should really go. He is just so calm and relaxed a gal could forget he needs fed, or changed...not that I would ever forget to change him, that would just be poor mothering, and I NEVER DO THAT!

And because this post is all over the place, I will leave you with some pics of the Riggeronni!

Monday, August 3, 2009

starts out sad...but gets lots better

My heart is heavy right now...I think it is because I have immersed myself in a book for the past few days, which is a wonderful, enchanting, terrible love story...and I have transference issues. Therefore after the books last page I sat and wistfully thought of how much I love my husband...and how much I am enamored with my baby boy...and how much I miss my daughter. And then the ache came fully, the grief-pain that grips your heart and makes your fingers go slightly numb....the blurry vision because you can't blink the tears back fast know, that stuff.
So I came into the office to look at email and check on blog friends and stories of others' lives...only to see the screen saver emit picture after picture of my beautiful birth, held by her grandpa, at a friends house staring at her son with awe, on the floor in my living room being crowded by the dog...and it happened all over again.
Today, it seems, I cannot escape, so I will sit and write it out. My son is sleeping curled up on the couch, the laundry needs folded, my room is in desperate need of vacuuming, that cannot possibly be done if all my clothes remain on the floor, I think I am going to fire the maid....
So, it seemed the perfect time to type a long, drawn out post that goes round and round without a point or something solid in which to ground it...I have nothing else to do...naturally, besides look up the maids number and tell her that her services are no longer needed...

I have been pondering the wedding vows as of see my sister is getting married in a couple of weeks and a toast is in my near future. I am a heavily sarcastic person...the kind that makes me endearing to people...not the mean kind...well not all the time anyway...
however, I have a feeling that my sister is not the type to enjoy a toast with that has this type of I have been searching out a different approach. The wedding vow...a promise to your oh-so-soon-to-be-spouse...a commitment. I have been reviewing all those words the captain and I said to each other. Love, honor, cherish...through better, worse, sickness, health, richer, poorer...forever. Heavy stuff, not to be taken lightly, that is for sure...things you have wistful ideas about before they actually happen. I am almost positive all married couples say these things thinking about better, health, richer and love, honor and cherish much more than the worse, sickness and poorer of it all.
I was thinking just yesterday how in my very short and limited marriage experience we have experienced and persevered through them all...well except the richer part...maybe we have something to look forward to, well you know besides each other and the love, honor, cherish bit...

So, in honor of my going-nowhere post...I will toast the Captain...

To the Captain, to many more years of living out the wedding vows...and to getting to the richer is not everything, but I am sure we could have some fun with it!
Here, Here!
Oh, and to firing the lousy maid!