weird

I never know what to say when someone mentions liking my blog...or that The captain and I are an encouragement or inspiration...I just never know what to say.
Which may surprise some of you, because usually you can't shut me up...I will talk to anything that stands still long enough.
It is an interesting thing accepting a compliment for something like my blog... it is not like basking in the glow of a "you look wonderful in that dress" comment or something similar. When people say they enjoy my blog...they are admitting they have read my thoughts. Granted, I have put them down on paper(?)/screen?) for people to see...but it is still weird.
Weird to be on the other side of that comment. I am usually comfortably seated on the side of being encouraged by others situations or attitudes...their faith. It is weird being on the opposite side...to be the encourager, the complimented...weird!
Most of my writing here is an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when they become to heavy for me to carry around all day. I sit, type, and then feel better. I do not journal and the thought of scrap booking makes me twitch (because it is the forever unfinished project...that and I think I could get lost in all the magnificent doohickeys that are used for such projects...I do love a good scrapbook, I just do not want to have to make it...) So this is my release, my only stamp in time to look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling...what was happening at that point in our lives. This blog is for me...the fact that others read it is fun...gives me an audience to address, and comments are great and encouraging to me. But the idea that I, my blog, my family, my faith is encouraging to others still, quite frankly, stymies me.
I think I feel this way because I now how much I fail. How short I measure up. How everyday is such a struggle sometimes just to get through. How I have to keep going back to scripture, keep reminding myself what God has promised, what He has said...that this is only temporary. I feel sad, depressed, lost and angry more than I should. I sit and stare at pictures of Andy and I and Caden and wonder what would have been
if...
If she were still here, what would she look like? How would her voice sound? Would she look like me? How would she like her brother?
if...
If Andy had never had a brain tumor what would life look like? What would we have done with all the time he was on chemo? Would we be more carefree? Would we not worry as much about the future?
if.,.
I could go on and on about how I fall short...but we all do.

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

The only thing that makes me remarkable is Christ. He made me, He laid out the pathways of my life, He leads me on those roads, whether dark and winding or light and straight, He lives and shines through me...despite my shortcomings, my failures...my weaknesses. He.
He.
not me.

Romans 11:33-36
33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I have a friend who tells me all the time with awe, how smart God is because of such and such...because He knew what we could not...I laugh every time she says it...of course He is smart..He is God. But she is so right.
33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
If we could see where God wanted to take us, who would go? If you could see only the circumstance, the pain, the heartache, the trouble, the hurt, the mess...who would volunteer?

All we have to go on is the promise of God knowing more. Being there always. And there will be an end to it all with Him waiting for us with open arms...we know nothing of the journey...it is all trust and pressing on.
So everyday, every time I fall, fail, resist, get sad, mad or angry...every time Cari takes over...I get more lost, more hurt, more angry...more alone. I just fail miserably until I turn back to Him. The One who knows the way and can keep me on track. Because He is so smart...

I am glad to have an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. I am thankful that God has held me up and brought me back on track. And if my failures, my shortcomings, my stumblings and grumblings happen to help or encourage others so be it...it still think it is weird.