Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I cried

The wedding is now behind us.

It was lovely.

Sara was gorgeous. Her dress was stunning...

Pictures you say? well, I have some, but the camera is acting up...and my cousin has the rest and best on her camera...at her house...2 hours away. So until I get organized and get copies...you will have to settle for my thoughts about the wedding.

I was telling the captain that being the matron of honor when your sister is getting married is almost as good as being the bride. You get to dress up, share in some of the glory, spend the day with all of your family, but you have none of the pressure. It was great.

Rigg looked smashing in a 3 piece suite, necktie and pocket square to boot! He was a prince all day. He is seriously the most chill baby ever. My good friend Chelsea helped take care of him while I was off running around with the wedding party getting my photo snapped and whatnot.

I cried on and off all day long. Although it was my only sisters wedding and she looked awesome and I was getting my very first brother, and I loved every min of the day, as well as was spilling over with happiness for my sis...my tears were not those of joy. I missed my baby girl so much that day I physically ached. She would have been there, in the midst of the mayhem and chaos squealing and running up and down the halls with her cousins. She would have been the flower girl with the smallest bare feet and littlest dress. She would have ran down the aisle into my arms. Instead she was absent. The void she left that day was everywhere. I saw her face everywhere I looked. She whispered in my ear in crowded rooms, she ran just beyond my sight in the hallway, she left her sent as the beautiful flower girls raced around playing with each other...missing a third, smaller version of themselves. They were precious, and lovely, and heartrendingly sad. I could not tare my eyes away from them, I could not look at them with out crying. All the tissues in the church could not stop the flow of my tears that day.
When I walked down the aisle, I carried my son. He was cuddly and warm and wonderful. He smelled of baby and looked like a little man. As I walked I heard awes and little gasps from those in attendance. They were in love with this little guy in a 3 piece tan suite. About halfway down I started to cry...although I had my son, the fact that my daughter was missing was what was apparent. After I handed him off to the captain and ascended the stairs, I looked around and saw many women wiping tears away. I looked over at Ryan...the groom, and he was crying, with as much of a smile as he could muster he mouthed..."pull it together!" I smiled and winked. I briefly lost it again when the flower girls came down the aisle...she would have been right in the middle, she would have been a shining beauty...but she was not there. I cried.
Sara and Ryan had a little paragraph about her in the program.
"While our hearts are overflowing with blessings on this special day, they also ache endlessly, forever missing our beautiful Caden Joelle. Can't you just see her adorable tiny chubby feet as she walked in between Cassi and Maura as our littlest flower girl? While we walk among rose petals today, Caden walks among angels, forever with our Lord. Until we see her again, Lord come quickly."
I cried when I read it...I cried when,during the video of Sara and Ryan they had a couple pics of Caden with Sara. I cried.
My aunt told me later that my cousin, who was one of the beautiful flower girls, remembered the church from when she came for Caden's funeral. She asked if "this was the same place we came to see Caden in her treasure box?" I cried.

In less then one month she will be gone a year. One year. 365 days. 525,600 min. I have hurt every one of those min. I have longed for heaven every one of those 365 days.
I miss her.
I hurt.
I cry.
I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put on a brave face.
Psalm 30:5 says weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It was time to rejoice, so after the wedding, with the red, bloodshot eyes and all, I busted out the mad dance skills...
that's right, it ain't only the single ladies who can shake their tail feather to Beyonce!


T Sharee said...

Cari I am in awe of your strength. I am in awe of your faith and what you have been through. I pray for peace for you during hard times such as this. Caden and Rigg have the best mommy ever!!!

Kate said...

I cried reading this. You're forever in my prayers.

Congrats to your sister and new brother-in-law. Looking forward to seeing pictures!

amber said...

I'm sorry for your sadness. My heart aches with you, though not like you. Will be praying for you as that one year marker approaches...I'm sure that day will be especially hard.

Praise God that one day our mourning will be turned into dancing, one day there will be no more tears! Oh for that day! Jesus come quickly!

Penny said...

I have to agree with Sharee.
I would have been another woman in the audience crying with you. I am choking back tears reading this now. My husband thinks I'm a nut crying for strangers, but we're all moms and all of us can only imagine the shoes you're in. God bless.

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

As I was telling Elizabeth...I couldn't BELIEVE I had left my purse in the van - WITH MY KLEENEX.

We all knew the day was just a little incomplete without sweet Caden.

I cried too. A few times. And of course, again while reading this. I had to skip over the paragraph about Caden from the program. I read it too many times on Friday and had to put it away to stop the tears.

I can't believe it's been almost a year. And as Reagan is getting ready to turn another year older, I can't stop thinking about how Caden would have been another year older too.

"Caden in her treasure box" - how beautiful and precious! My heart aches along with yours.

I love you, Cari.

Ashley said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, but I am so sad for you even though I don't know you, that I am crying along with you after reading this post. It is sweet to know that others miss your little girl along with you, and remember her.

Mommyto3 said...

Beautifully written.

Anonymous said...

Love you. b

Katy said...

I was one of those crying...as I am now.
It was bittersweet to hold my sweet sleeping daughter and know you were missing your little girl. I'm so sorry Caden couldn't be there for such a special day...and every day.

Just Me - The Champion said...

I am nearly speechless. This does not happen often. Your Mama's heart is so transparent and truthful. You have to be one of the best Mom's in the world. Your description of that day is unbelievable. I know you write to "journal" those moments. Put them out there get them out in the open and my prayer is that as you type, God is working the night shift, behind the scenes working for you blessing you and delighting in you. You are a delight. Keep writing. We all continue to pray for you and Captain and Rigg. (don't babies just smell delicious?) Your awesome! peace to you my "blog" friend, - jen

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for letting me hold Rigg so close. I could tell you were hurting badly. I was too. You were so good holding it together....and you looked beautiful doing it. Love you and Andy more than you will ever know.

sabo family said...

When that picture of Sara and Caden came up, I looked at you and could see your heartwrenching sobs. I cried for you then, and today too, and prayed that God would carry you through--Give you the strength you needed.

Thinking and praying for you and Andy today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

I thought the same thing. She would've been a beautiful flower girl and her laughter would've filled the church. Oh how I miss our little girl.

1 Thess. 4:16-18.

Luv U. The Captain.

Jill said...

I'm another one who cried as I read this. It's amazing how such a wonderful, beautiful occasion can be mixed with joy and sadness. You're mother's heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I continue to pray for healing and peace for you guys.

PS. I can't wait to see pictures of your handsome little guy in his 3 piece suit. Little boys dressed like men are adorable!

Krista said...

awww Cari! I cried. I am crying. I hurt. I am hurting. For you my dear. But more importantly, I'm praying! Praying for you! I so wish to hug you, and just listen to those tears, listen to the joyful stories of your beautiful Caden.
I know she was walking down that aisle w/the other girls. No, rather she was dancing down that aisle, you know why? Because our Sweet Jesus was carrying her down that aisle! She was there! She saw you! You will always be her Momma & she will always be your baby!
I'm praying for you today. For Captain, & for Rigg. May you truly feel blessed today!
much love and MANY prayers,

Rhonda said...

Cari - I don't even know you and I'm crying. I've been following your blog for a while and your strength is unbelievable. I know you hurt and have times that you don't feel strong - but your faith and perserverence is amazing. I love how you're so honest and candid in your writing. God is working through you and your sweet little Caden and reaching people all over the globe. Thank you for sharing.

Lee Anne said...

I cried reading your words just now as well. You are a beautiful soul and I feel blessed to be able to read about your life through this blog. Your faith is amazing and will continue to get you through this all. Hugs to you and your family.

JC said...


I just wanted to let you know that you are such an inspiration to me. Not a day goes by that I don't check your blog. If you haven't posted anything, I go back through your archives and read old posts. You are a beautiful writer, a wonderful mother, an amazing wife, a teacher, a mentor and an example. I admire your strength and courage and I thank you for ministering to me, even when you don't know it!

Anonymous said...

I missed her that day. Alone in the room before I walked down the aisle, I cried, trying not to ruin my make up. All I could mutter aloud was thank you Jesus for this day, and I miss you baby girl. I miss her, I am sorry I couldn't be more there for you that day. I love you.
Sara Sue