I cried

The wedding is now behind us.

It was lovely.

Sara was gorgeous. Her dress was stunning...

Pictures you say? well, I have some, but the camera is acting up...and my cousin has the rest and best on her camera...at her house...2 hours away. So until I get organized and get copies...you will have to settle for my thoughts about the wedding.

I was telling the captain that being the matron of honor when your sister is getting married is almost as good as being the bride. You get to dress up, share in some of the glory, spend the day with all of your family, but you have none of the pressure. It was great.

Rigg looked smashing in a 3 piece suite, necktie and pocket square to boot! He was a prince all day. He is seriously the most chill baby ever. My good friend Chelsea helped take care of him while I was off running around with the wedding party getting my photo snapped and whatnot.

I cried on and off all day long. Although it was my only sisters wedding and she looked awesome and I was getting my very first brother, and I loved every min of the day, as well as was spilling over with happiness for my sis...my tears were not those of joy. I missed my baby girl so much that day I physically ached. She would have been there, in the midst of the mayhem and chaos squealing and running up and down the halls with her cousins. She would have been the flower girl with the smallest bare feet and littlest dress. She would have ran down the aisle into my arms. Instead she was absent. The void she left that day was everywhere. I saw her face everywhere I looked. She whispered in my ear in crowded rooms, she ran just beyond my sight in the hallway, she left her sent as the beautiful flower girls raced around playing with each other...missing a third, smaller version of themselves. They were precious, and lovely, and heartrendingly sad. I could not tare my eyes away from them, I could not look at them with out crying. All the tissues in the church could not stop the flow of my tears that day.
When I walked down the aisle, I carried my son. He was cuddly and warm and wonderful. He smelled of baby and looked like a little man. As I walked I heard awes and little gasps from those in attendance. They were in love with this little guy in a 3 piece tan suite. About halfway down I started to cry...although I had my son, the fact that my daughter was missing was what was apparent. After I handed him off to the captain and ascended the stairs, I looked around and saw many women wiping tears away. I looked over at Ryan...the groom, and he was crying, with as much of a smile as he could muster he mouthed..."pull it together!" I smiled and winked. I briefly lost it again when the flower girls came down the aisle...she would have been right in the middle, she would have been a shining beauty...but she was not there. I cried.
Sara and Ryan had a little paragraph about her in the program.
"While our hearts are overflowing with blessings on this special day, they also ache endlessly, forever missing our beautiful Caden Joelle. Can't you just see her adorable tiny chubby feet as she walked in between Cassi and Maura as our littlest flower girl? While we walk among rose petals today, Caden walks among angels, forever with our Lord. Until we see her again, Lord come quickly."
I cried when I read it...I cried when,during the video of Sara and Ryan they had a couple pics of Caden with Sara. I cried.
My aunt told me later that my cousin, who was one of the beautiful flower girls, remembered the church from when she came for Caden's funeral. She asked if "this was the same place we came to see Caden in her treasure box?" I cried.

In less then one month she will be gone a year. One year. 365 days. 525,600 min. I have hurt every one of those min. I have longed for heaven every one of those 365 days.
I miss her.
I hurt.
I cry.
I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put on a brave face.
Psalm 30:5 says weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It was time to rejoice, so after the wedding, with the red, bloodshot eyes and all, I busted out the mad dance skills...
that's right, it ain't only the single ladies who can shake their tail feather to Beyonce!