The past week has been a strange mix of emotions. On one end of the spectrum you have joy, pure, unhindered, enthusiastic elation. On the other end, a sorrow that defies all definitions of grief and pain. And yet, they coincide. They live together, intertwining with one another and can somehow, inexplicably be felt at the same moment. Hope. Grief. Joy. Sadness. Laughter. Tears. All mixed together in one heap of emotion.
Before Caden's death I would have told anyone, unabashedly, that I was not a cryer. "Have you met my mother? Now there is a cryer!" God changes us. I now cry with the best of them...although I still have a ways to go to catch up to mom...
I would also said I was not a worrier...I leave that to Andy, he is better at it than me, I find it wastes to much energy.
Lately, I worry. I hate it. It feels foreign and ugly. I fear all sorts of things that I know would never have entered my mind if Caden was still on this earth with me. Things that seem clearly rational to the human mind, people say "It's OK to think that, it's just natural after what you have been through."
I fear that I will never let this new child alone in their crib, what if something were to happen and I was not there?
Am I going to be a crazy, psycho mom who never lets her kids do things for fear of them getting hurt?
I seize up at any cramp or twinge I feel with this pregnancy. I wonder..."Is this normal? Did I go through this with Caden?"
Will I be as laid back and let other people enjoy my baby as I did before?
The list goes on like this....
But my soul cries out to take the fear and worry away. I know the fear, the worry, is a lack of trust in God. I long to rest in Him, without effort. But some days it takes all I have. A new decision to trust Him every hour. Over and Over again, I have to choose to trust. 1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Every day, every hour, I have choose to cast my cares and fears and worries upon Him. If I hang on to them, they tear me apart slowly, silently, until I cannot move or think because of the fear.
Philippians 4: 6 tells us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Then comes the best part...the part that I long for. vs 7 " And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I have felt that peace before. The week my daughter died was the best week of my life. No, don't go back and read that again, you read it right. It was the best week of my life. I was surrounded by Gods love and peace. I cannot describe in words the comfort and support Andy and I felt those first few days. God is faithful to His promise.
He will continue to be so.
My God is the same.
My Jesus never changes.
As I fight this battle against fear and worry, I know my God is stronger than my enemy. I need only to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I would never have chosen for my precious Caden to die...but it is what God wanted for me. If I can say that and believe it and still trust Him, than I can surely trust Him with my new baby. As well as all the things that come along with him or her.
As for me being a crazy, psycho mom...we will just have to wait and see. :)