Monday, August 29, 2011

fortunate failure



I bolt upright... a screaming baby, a sky that is still dark... too early.
shh, little one. quiet. go back  to sleep. (silent prayer...please, please go back to sleep.)
silence... sweet slumber.
except not me. I cannot get settled again.

This is not how my morning was supposed to go.

Just as I drift back off, a little hand knocks from the inside of his door... "Daddy!, Mommy!"  then cries from the baby's room... now they are both up...
I grumble. I complain.
I get up.

Coffee... this will help. This will improve all things. Coffee will save me.

a fussy baby... half a two year olds breakfast on the floor... my coffee gets cold and remains only half finished.

This is not how my peaceful coffee experience is supposed to be.  Morning coffee time is supposed to be quiet. reflective. peaceful.

I scream in my head. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL!

I take a deep breath and say out loud. "I love my children."

Maybe today can be salvaged. I will make this day a success by accomplishing things on my "to-do" list.
Dishes... done. (only had to stop twice to help/ discipline/ rescue a child)
Laundry... in progress. (Rigg's helping is really hindering, but it is cute and he is learning)
Dinner... prepared and one frozen for later. (only had to stop 3 times for a snack/ discipline/ rescue of a child or two.)

Well, my "to-do" list is shorter... but I feel crummy.  I feel stressed... slightly angry... every time I tried to get something done I was interrupted...
I feel no joy in my accomplishments.

Chocolate. This will make me feel happy. CHOCOLATE!
Ahh. sweet chocolate. How I love you.
happiness.
 for 3 seconds.

I am tired.
I will rest for 20 min.
Just nodded off.

The baby's up from his nap.
No rest.
I grumble. I complain.
I get up.

This is not restful, relaxing... peaceful.

This is not how my day is supposed to go.
this day is a failure...
I am a failure.

But I always fail when I try to do it myself. When I try to make my own peace, my own happiness out of broken and insufficient means. When I do it... I grumble, I complain. I get angry and upset. I have no peace, no strength, no joy. I miss out on all my blessings, I miss all the wonder and joy in my day.  When I do it... I see only me.

Fortunately, for me, I usually get clued-in to my self-destructive control issue... a day or two later.
Fortunately, for me, I have a Savior who forgives, comforts, guides and loves me.

And wouldn't ya know it... as soon as I stop trying to do it all myself, as soon as I rest in Him and His promise... my days are smoother. More peaceful. Full of more laughter and more Joy.

Coffee will not bring me peace... but I know where I can go for peace.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
(coffee does give me all sorts of good fuzzy feelings though!)

Accomplishments and chocolate might not give me joy and happiness... but I know where to go to find it.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As for rest... tiredness is for a short time. There will always be time to sleep. More important then sleep is a restful spirit...
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

I understand weary... I know burdened.
I am tired of re-shouldering the load.

Fortunately, for me, Christ has promised to take it. (again and again...)
But where sin increased, grace increased all the more (Romans 5:20)

 
Fortunately, for me, He never gets tired of rescuing me from myself.


9 comments:

Samantha said...

You don't know just how much I needed to hear this right now.

As a momma of two boys similar in ages, I am stressed to the max most days as you suggest.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

~Samantha

Lea said...

Cari,
Thanks for sharing your struggles. Sounds a lot like what I go through. Don't we have such a wonderful Savior that forgives us when we've been focused on ourselves & not Him!

Hugs!!

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful wife and mother! Love you, The Captain!

Renee said...

What a great reminder!!!

Heidi Stone Photography said...

Rest assured, all that training of your children will pay off eventually.

I didn't wash a single dish or cup or utensil today. Sienna washed them after all three meals! And I only put away my own clothes and made my own bed when the laundry was finished. The kids put away the rest of the four loads of laundry!

:) Love you.

Anonymous said...

What a blessing this post was. I thought some of these same things as I was up from 2-5am with my 15 month old, and then again at 7am to get my older two on the bus. I thought coffee would save me as well. I drank it on the way to the eye Dr. who got mad at my fussy baby and told me I'd have to reschedule my appt. I held my baby close, "fired" him and thanked God for allowing me to be a mom, fussy baby and all.
Sarah (Frederick) Kim

Anonymous said...

Thank you for those thoughts...I needed to hear those words.

Anonymous said...

Still an inspiration....

Anonymous said...

Cari,

What a great post - a good reminder for me.

Mindy