I realize that I spend a lot of time on this blog speaking of my daughter and how I process my grief. I was thinking how many of you may think it is repetitive or that I have said certain things over and over. But it has not yet been a year since her death, and it was so very sudden I feel like many things run themselves over and over again in my head. Last night I awoke about 3 or so with scenes from her last hours were running through my mind. I had to give myself a mental slap and intentionally think of something else.
We sang songs Sunday morning in worship that focused on God's sacrifice and His gift to us. One of the songs was by Mercy Me, it is the 2nd song on my playlist. There is a section in the song that has the words "such a tiny offering compared to Calvary, nevertheless, we lay it at your feet." I cry every time we sing that song in church...maybe this is why the captain sits me in the back...I know it is speaking of our life, and how we offer our lives as a sacrifice to Christ because He died for us...but it always makes me think of my Caden. She was such a tiny offering, and Andy and I make the choice everyday to lay her, our pain and our burdens at His feet. And though we did not choose to give her, she is gone still the same and every day it still hurts, some days like it just happened.
There is another song out by Building 429 called Always...I cannot listen to it most days. The very first verse talks about a woman who has lost her son. "He would have been 3 today. I miss his smile, I miss his face." The singer follows up with " I believe that Always, Always, our savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and the promise remains. He will be with you always."
Some days the pain is great. We swim in a sea of grief and hurt. We want to push people aside because 'they could never understand' or we get angry at little things for no reason at all, it just feels better to slam a door. We want the ache to stop...and we can't do it. Our friends can't do it, our family can't do it.
My mother-in-law said something to me a few weeks ago that keeps running through my mind. She said we all go through tough times and every ones valley is deep. It is so true. You may not have lost a daughter, but you know what grief feels like. I may have never have had an abortion, but I know what guilt and loss feel like. We connect with one another through pain. We experience everything differently, but we understand the hurt...we have all been there in some way.
I was thinking of how it hurts to lose a child as I was singing/crying on Sunday and I thought...God knows. He gave up his Son. He knows the hurt. He knew the hurt before it happened and did it anyway...why? For me. For you. So we could live. Really live, and maybe in some small way glorify Him with our life.
So today I praise God. For being the only one who truly knows our hurts. Who alone is able to truly comfort and care for our deep wounds. Who loved us enough to save us, when were not worth a second glance. And I pray that my life, in some small way, may bring Him the glory He deserves.