Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesday's of Praise

I realize that I spend a lot of time on this blog speaking of my daughter and how I process my grief. I was thinking how many of you may think it is repetitive or that I have said certain things over and over. But it has not yet been a year since her death, and it was so very sudden I feel like many things run themselves over and over again in my head. Last night I awoke about 3 or so with scenes from her last hours were running through my mind. I had to give myself a mental slap and intentionally think of something else.

We sang songs Sunday morning in worship that focused on God's sacrifice and His gift to us. One of the songs was by Mercy Me, it is the 2nd song on my playlist. There is a section in the song that has the words "such a tiny offering compared to Calvary, nevertheless, we lay it at your feet." I cry every time we sing that song in church...maybe this is why the captain sits me in the back...I know it is speaking of our life, and how we offer our lives as a sacrifice to Christ because He died for us...but it always makes me think of my Caden. She was such a tiny offering, and Andy and I make the choice everyday to lay her, our pain and our burdens at His feet. And though we did not choose to give her, she is gone still the same and every day it still hurts, some days like it just happened.

There is another song out by Building 429 called Always...I cannot listen to it most days. The very first verse talks about a woman who has lost her son. "He would have been 3 today. I miss his smile, I miss his face." The singer follows up with " I believe that Always, Always, our savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and the promise remains. He will be with you always."

Some days the pain is great. We swim in a sea of grief and hurt. We want to push people aside because 'they could never understand' or we get angry at little things for no reason at all, it just feels better to slam a door. We want the ache to stop...and we can't do it. Our friends can't do it, our family can't do it.

My mother-in-law said something to me a few weeks ago that keeps running through my mind. She said we all go through tough times and every ones valley is deep. It is so true. You may not have lost a daughter, but you know what grief feels like. I may have never have had an abortion, but I know what guilt and loss feel like. We connect with one another through pain. We experience everything differently, but we understand the hurt...we have all been there in some way.

I was thinking of how it hurts to lose a child as I was singing/crying on Sunday and I thought...God knows. He gave up his Son. He knows the hurt. He knew the hurt before it happened and did it anyway...why? For me. For you. So we could live. Really live, and maybe in some small way glorify Him with our life.

So today I praise God. For being the only one who truly knows our hurts. Who alone is able to truly comfort and care for our deep wounds. Who loved us enough to save us, when were not worth a second glance. And I pray that my life, in some small way, may bring Him the glory He deserves.


Penny said...

I feel so badly for you and your husband. I've lost a lot of loved ones, but not my child so I don't KNOW how badly that destroys you. But, I do know what it looks like when you lose one. My stepmother has buried both of her sons. Both were 41. If I thought losing the first one, 5 years ago on Mother's Day, was bad- losing the 2nd son last September was awful! I thought she was literally going to die from grief. She is doing better now, thank God. She found out last month that her oldest granddaughter is going to have a baby. I wrote more about it in my Mother's Day post on my blog.
Your Caden is beautiful! I check your blog every day-- can't wait to see Rigg. I believe the delay with your induction is part of God's timing, even though I KNOW for you--- the waiting is miserable. God bless.

Tiffany said...

I have been reading your blog for a while, but have never felt compelled to comment until today. Dear Sister in Christ, please do not hesitate to share your honest emotions through this blog. It is that honesty and transparency that drew me to you. Your journey is no more or less that someone else's - but you are ministering to countless people by being transparent. Be encouraged, beloved of God. Your words, whether joyous or heart-wrenching, are your words, and your journey. It is a priviledge to share some part of that, however small.

Amy said...

Please don't ever feel that you may have shared too much, or something too often with all of us. I enjoy reading your blog, because you DO share what you're going through. Your incredible faith in Jesus is wonderful to read about, and sharing what you feel (even if it would feel repetitive to you), makes me even more appreciative of your blog. You are a wonderful example of a Christian woman, and I thank you for being so transparent. :)

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

Cari, I always think of you when I hear both of those songs and I always cry as well. I love the honesty you are able to portray through your blog.

By the world's standards, I haven't ever experienced any sort of traumatic grief in MY life. But I know I have grieved more over Caden's death and for you and Andy than I think I've ever grieved over anything before. Even though I can't really "relate" on the same level, I definitely grieve and cry and experience pain over your loss...still.

I love you, Cari.


Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

Also, we (I mean NATE) seriously need an update on your latest measurement! :)

And one final thing....you're going to need to update your link to my blog if your "Blogs I Stalk" section since my domain is officially gone.



Sallye said...

I am praising God today.

Psalm 25:16-18 I like the NASB best

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me.
For I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses.
18 Look upon my affliction and my trouble,
And forgive all my sins.

I am praising God that He knows our pain, and that it is not a small thing to Him. Even Jesus being who He is, cried over the death of Lazarus. He feels our pain and heals it.

Side note Hayley Elizabeth is nearly a 2 months old. We need to get on the stick with the betrothal between she and Rigg.

Just Me - The Champion said...

Before I comment on this blog... let me answer your questions. We have painted the nursery a milk chocolate color. That's as far as I've gotten :) We are accenting it with pink and lavender and white. It will eventually be Toby's room where we will then accent with his favorite color at the time! :) Durango (SW corner of Colorado) is beautiful. If you and the Captain are ever in need of a cowboy/rafting/mountain hiking or ski vacation and come to Durango... that would be awesome! Please let me know. I think I'll comment on what you wrote today in another post. This one is already pretty long.

Just Me - The Champion said...

So... here I am again... crying. Loving how honest you are in your walk. As I crank up the Jeremy Camp song during these lyrics,

"I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced. To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing..." Wow..

and I just pray for you. You are an amazing testimony to God's love and to what it is like to walk through a deep valley. Your mother in law is right... everyone has deep valleys in their lives, but man o man... for those of us who have not experienced our deepest valleys... we are called to pray for and minister to our friends who are in the midst of it. And that is you my friend. I appreciate your honesty about your grief and your testimony of your faith. You don't just believe God. You believe in him and your awesome faith shows. Thank you for that Cari. Thanks for this post. Keep em coming...

Lauren said...

First of all thank you so very much for sharing your heart. I really gain so much strength from you and your husband. I could say that I have never been through a valley as deep as you have, but I hope that I have the strength that you have if I ever do. Please know that you are in my daily prayers.
In His Love,

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing, Cari. Your insights on God and suffering are expressed so well.

Anonymous said...

Well said! Luv U! The Captain.

Bethany said...


I so stalk you blog...like every single day. I hope you know that although we are not a part of your daily life, our prayers are with you every day.

I see Rick and Brenda still grieving and cannot imagine that you would be able to process Caden's life in death in less than a year.

While I kneel with for you in prayer, I stand with you in praise of the One Who is able. Able to turn bad into good. To work to perfection what is far from perfect. Who is able to do more than we could ask or imagine in every circumstance, even when I cannot see it.

Praying for His peace to rest on you both (or all three of you!).