Yesterday was the worst day to date in a while. All things considered it could have been worse...but it was still rough.
It started out fine for me. I was too busy running around the house getting myself and mister Riggster ready for the busy morning of blood tests and Dr.'s appointments. Really there was only one of each, but it seems like more for some reason. Before we left the house I didn't really see the captain much...running around like a mad woman the way I was...when I did finally run into him, literally in our small hallway, I looked up and could tell he had been crying.
Miss baby girl? I said
and then away we went anyway, because that is what you do...you keep doing the things that need to get done. Not move on, but press forward.
Blood test went fine...Rigg's levels are down a smidge. Then away to the Dr.'s office. As we were sitting in the waiting room I could tell Andy was trying to keep it together. He was vigorously flipping through his memory verses trying to keep his mind off the fact of where he was. You see, I didn't put it together until much later, but the Dr.'s office was the last place he saw Caden alive. He looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I can't do this." and went to wait in the car.
I went back to the room alone, well with Rigg, and waited for the doc. He looked Rigg over and said he looked good, he has gained some weight in 2 days and his billiruben level is going down...so all good news. He asked about Andy...I said he was in the car. Then the Dr. and I had a wonderful chat about how we were handling things. He is a Believer and understood a lot of what I was saying. This is nice, because a lot of people give you a glazed over look when you mention how good God is and how you never saw a counselor or never really visit the grave...they assume you "got religion" and chalk it up to "whatever works for you". But the doc understood...Andy will be in when he can. Just not today. As we talked, I cried again...this poor man having to deal with the crying lady...he didn't seem to be disturbed at all. It makes me relax knowing I can be me and not hold it all together...something I have learned a lot about this past year.
After the Dr appointment, we all rode home in silence, thinking of Caden and how our life has changed and how it is painful to live sometimes.
We got home to HOT. Our air was not working properly. Nothing makes the Captain more agitated than HOT. So we called to get it looked at. During the waiting I had a post-prego meltdown. In my defense, I do not have that many, but when I do they are doozies. Every room in my house was a mess. I couldn't get away from it. I was tired. My body was grossly stretched out of proportion. I hurt in places I normally forget exist. I was sweating in a tank top and capries in my "air conditioned" house. My baby has jaundice and I cannot pick him up and love on him if I want him to stay on that stupid blanket as much as possible...poor captain...all this hit at once. I was an exploding hysterical hormone. He handled me with grace and compassion, although I could see in his eyes he had no idea why I was this upset. I am usually quite level headed.
After a good cry and a few hugs from the captain, I was back to "normal". It was so kind of him to offer me compassion because he was having such a tough day...he is such a strong man and a gift to me.
Still waiting for the air man, the captain and I sat in the living room trying to stay cool and collected on this crazy day.
I got a call from my sister and I was rude to her..all the while knowing I am being rude and just doing it anyway...why do I do that? I was having a bad day, it was not her fault, she didn't even know...and I know I hurt her feelings. For what? I am so Sorry Sara. I was not mad at you or your decision.
Then my earring broke.
I once saw a TV show and a girl on it said a line that has stuck with me and I use it on days like yesterday.
"Isn't that just the pickle on the crap sandwich that is my day."
My earring was the pickle...I think, all things considered, I handled it well. I got up, went into the bedroom, put them with all of my other jewelry and got another pair. All the while silently screaming in my head that this day was TERRIBLE!
The air man got to our house at 10 pm. it was fixed by 10:30. It was cool by 4 when I was up feeding the Riggeroni.
I have been thinking what a chaotic mess yesterday was. So many things we were dealing with. each other, the loss of Caden, taking care of Rigg, my postpartum craziness, HOT, and daily to-do's. All very drastic and different and can take us off course.
I kept thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Was I trusting in God for everything? Not when I had my breakdown. It was a doubt fest and lack of leaning fully on Him. When we wander, in action or thought we are not acknowledging Him and His ways. We look to our own to try to solve our problems. If I keep my eyes and focus on Him and His ways...He will direct my path and make it straight. A straight path is so much easier...you can see where you are going...what is ahead. You know it will be OK. Crooked paths are stressful and induce fear.
I long for the straight path, especially when I am before an S curve in the crooked road I have chosen for myself. Focus on God and His way is a choice. Today, I shall choose to trust in the Lord for what He has chosen for Andy and I , I will lean on what I know to be true, God's word, and not my limited view and understanding of what He is doing in my life. He will straighten out my path...and even if there is a pickle...it will not phase me, for I will be able to see what is up ahead...His purpose, His way, His Love and Hope.
So here's to a pickle free day!