Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Pickle

Yesterday was the worst day to date in a while. All things considered it could have been worse...but it was still rough.

It started out fine for me. I was too busy running around the house getting myself and mister Riggster ready for the busy morning of blood tests and Dr.'s appointments. Really there was only one of each, but it seems like more for some reason. Before we left the house I didn't really see the captain much...running around like a mad woman the way I was...when I did finally run into him, literally in our small hallway, I looked up and could tell he had been crying.

Miss baby girl? I said


Doing OK?


and then away we went anyway, because that is what you keep doing the things that need to get done. Not move on, but press forward.

Blood test went fine...Rigg's levels are down a smidge. Then away to the Dr.'s office. As we were sitting in the waiting room I could tell Andy was trying to keep it together. He was vigorously flipping through his memory verses trying to keep his mind off the fact of where he was. You see, I didn't put it together until much later, but the Dr.'s office was the last place he saw Caden alive. He looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said "I can't do this." and went to wait in the car.
I went back to the room alone, well with Rigg, and waited for the doc. He looked Rigg over and said he looked good, he has gained some weight in 2 days and his billiruben level is going all good news. He asked about Andy...I said he was in the car. Then the Dr. and I had a wonderful chat about how we were handling things. He is a Believer and understood a lot of what I was saying. This is nice, because a lot of people give you a glazed over look when you mention how good God is and how you never saw a counselor or never really visit the grave...they assume you "got religion" and chalk it up to "whatever works for you". But the doc understood...Andy will be in when he can. Just not today. As we talked, I cried again...this poor man having to deal with the crying lady...he didn't seem to be disturbed at all. It makes me relax knowing I can be me and not hold it all together...something I have learned a lot about this past year.

After the Dr appointment, we all rode home in silence, thinking of Caden and how our life has changed and how it is painful to live sometimes.

We got home to HOT. Our air was not working properly. Nothing makes the Captain more agitated than HOT. So we called to get it looked at. During the waiting I had a post-prego meltdown. In my defense, I do not have that many, but when I do they are doozies. Every room in my house was a mess. I couldn't get away from it. I was tired. My body was grossly stretched out of proportion. I hurt in places I normally forget exist. I was sweating in a tank top and capries in my "air conditioned" house. My baby has jaundice and I cannot pick him up and love on him if I want him to stay on that stupid blanket as much as possible...poor captain...all this hit at once. I was an exploding hysterical hormone. He handled me with grace and compassion, although I could see in his eyes he had no idea why I was this upset. I am usually quite level headed.
After a good cry and a few hugs from the captain, I was back to "normal". It was so kind of him to offer me compassion because he was having such a tough day...he is such a strong man and a gift to me.

Still waiting for the air man, the captain and I sat in the living room trying to stay cool and collected on this crazy day.

I got a call from my sister and I was rude to her..all the while knowing I am being rude and just doing it anyway...why do I do that? I was having a bad day, it was not her fault, she didn't even know...and I know I hurt her feelings. For what? I am so Sorry Sara. I was not mad at you or your decision.

Then my earring broke.

I once saw a TV show and a girl on it said a line that has stuck with me and I use it on days like yesterday.

"Isn't that just the pickle on the crap sandwich that is my day."

My earring was the pickle...I think, all things considered, I handled it well. I got up, went into the bedroom, put them with all of my other jewelry and got another pair. All the while silently screaming in my head that this day was TERRIBLE!

The air man got to our house at 10 pm. it was fixed by 10:30. It was cool by 4 when I was up feeding the Riggeroni.

I have been thinking what a chaotic mess yesterday was. So many things we were dealing with. each other, the loss of Caden, taking care of Rigg, my postpartum craziness, HOT, and daily to-do's. All very drastic and different and can take us off course.

I kept thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Was I trusting in God for everything? Not when I had my breakdown. It was a doubt fest and lack of leaning fully on Him. When we wander, in action or thought we are not acknowledging Him and His ways. We look to our own to try to solve our problems. If I keep my eyes and focus on Him and His ways...He will direct my path and make it straight. A straight path is so much can see where you are going...what is ahead. You know it will be OK. Crooked paths are stressful and induce fear.

I long for the straight path, especially when I am before an S curve in the crooked road I have chosen for myself. Focus on God and His way is a choice. Today, I shall choose to trust in the Lord for what He has chosen for Andy and I , I will lean on what I know to be true, God's word, and not my limited view and understanding of what He is doing in my life. He will straighten out my path...and even if there is a will not phase me, for I will be able to see what is up ahead...His purpose, His way, His Love and Hope.

So here's to a pickle free day!


JC said...

Thinking and praying for you and your family! I love your honesty and I am moved everytime I read your blog! I cried and rejoiced when Rigg was born, I cried and prayed when Andy was in surgery, I cry and am saddened when you have bad days and rejoice when you have good days! I laugh at your stories (especially the one about the skinny mommy that you pushed out of the way!) and can relate to so much of what you say. I don't know you, but you and your family have touched my life! I realize I need to not take life for granted and live for HIM! Thank you for being an inspiration!

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the pickle on your crap sandwich. Sometimes it's just the tiniest thing that flips the switch too, isn't it?

Praying for you today...


Angie said...

I am praying for today to be much better than yesterday. Sometimes, we need a bad day to really appreciate the good ones. God has to adjust our focus sometimes. You have such a way with words,and I always find them to be encouraging. Enjoy the journey!

Just Me - The Champion said...

Your blog blesses me more than you could ever comprehend. God is working through you and your circumstances to minister to so many, especially me and I cannot thank you enough for your honesty and mostly the way you direct all things back to the one who loves us most... God. I can relate on all levels to the "pickle on your crap sandwich" day. I am having one today... so that verse for me was exactly what I needed on the day I needed it most. Your husband is an awesome man, I cried when I heard about his crappy day too. I am glad you have your A/C back. I am also glad Rigg's levels are better. I will too... trust in the Lord... no matter what. But thanks so much for the gentle reminder. You're awesome.


Penny said...

It's not just hormones, sweetie. All these women are reading your story and crying with/for you. I had a year I was struggling with a LOT of things, none as bad as you've had in the last nine months, but bad. I had a mental breakdown from all the stress and the meds they put me on made me a zombie. The ONLY bright spot in that whole year, was snuggling a brand new grandson in my neck. He too, came about 9 months into that wretched year and was my saving grace. Five years later, there's still a bond between us that I don't have with the other five grands. Give yourself time to heal, love on that little boy, and sweet husband. This too shall pass.
God bless.

karee brown said...

Cari, I seldom make it through your blogs without crying these days ... and yet i am so refreshed by your honesty and vulnerability in the midst of it all, and also by your tenacity to your faith. Praying for you guys today!

Lindsay(s.a) said...

You guys have gone through more in the last year than most people go through in a lifetime! I think you cope amazingly ..... I'll keep praying that God holds your family in the palm of his hands.

Jill said...

I was just telling my friends the other day about how difficult it can be after a baby's born. The hormones, the sleep issues, the insecurity, the newness. How it's wonderful and awful at the same time. Here you are dealing with that as well as the rest of your life's challenges. I can't imagine the back and forth you both must feel during this time. I pray so much that you guys will feel God's peace, comfort, strength and love always and especially during this transition. Thank you, again, for your honest and godly heart. Your willingness to reveal your weaknesses and point us to Him - your ultimate strength. Rigg is one blessed baby!

Julie said...

rough day : ( love you

Debbie said...

I appreciate your honesty about your struggles and am greatful for your insight. It reads like a deep devotional that everyone can relate to on some level.
Thanks for allowing Christ to shine through your pain. You are both in my prayers and heart.

PS- I met you on your visit Rochester, a friend of Julie & Sherwin.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for a better day!

Houston, TX

dg darling said...

I love the pickle quote!

I'm so sorry for the hard day. I don't know you personally, but I think of you often the last few days. My baby girl will be one on Sunday and for some reason she makes me think of your little Caden. They don't really look alike or anything. I suppose my heart just hurts for you. I am so happy for the arrival of Rigg, but am so sorry for the wound it rubs raw again. I pray for you. I pray for Andy. I hope each day gets better...

Andy and Cari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, you are such a gifted writer and your faith is inspiring. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I know how hard it is to have a new baby in the house, it's not what everyone leads you to believe ... sunshine and roses! It's lack of sleep, out of control hormones, insecurity and a gamut of other feelings that people don't often talk about. You add to that everything you have been through in the past 9 months and I find it an absolute miracle that you and your husband still have such a strong and faithful relationship. You are truly blessed to have each other and Rigg is one lucky little boy to have parents that are so committed to one another.
I can not even imagine how wonderful it must feel to hold that sweet baby boy and at the same to feel so sad when you think about your sweet Caden. I am praying for strength for you and the Captain to get through this emotional time. And how wonderful that Rigg has such a special guardian angel looking out for him.

Emily said...

I don't remember how I came across your blog, but have enjoyed reading it for the last few months- what stood out was that you go to BSF - I do too in OK.
I really appreciate your willingness to share your struggles and how you are working toward their resolution. The Prov. verse is a favorite of mine, I particularly like the part 'lean not on your own understanding' because so very many things in this world do not fall into the category of what makes since to me. It is a good reminder of the importance of FAITH. It takes so much faith & bravery (which I see as Faith in action) to get through this world & it is such an encouragement to see you doing just that - however hard it is. Thank you.

Sallye said...

That's why I have my quiet chair. I crawl up in it and feel like I am crawling up in my heavenly Father's lap and say it's been a day, and I didn't think I was going to make it.

Praying for you. You three look picture perfect just the way you are.