Sometimes

Sometimes things hit you when you least expect them. For me, these things usually revolve around Caden and missing her. Sometimes they are silly things, sometimes they are very real and meaningful.

I was taking the captain to go workout this evening...(yes folks, he is up and exercising, but not too hard he promises me) and I was thinking about my little cousin, whom I babysit. During one of his feedings today he only took half a bottle...this did not concern me, Caden did this often...but it got me remembering her. Those precious moments when I would feed her and she was too busy smiling and giggling to eat...how she would just gum the bottle and I would get frustrated, because I was thinking she needed to eat and not just play.

This was what was running through my head as the captain and I were hurtling down the interstate toward the workout center. This is what I was thinking about when I started to cry...to the captain, seemingly, out of nowhere. This is what I was thinking about as he grabbed my hand and asked if I was OK...yes, I replied as I was doing the shaky breath, ugly cry face. Do you miss Caden? He asked. Yeah...again me with the ugly cry face, shaky voice and tears now streaming down my cheeks. Silence followed, with us holding hands hurtling down the highway...

The sad stayed with me as I dropped him off, trying not to sound like a mother and tell him to be careful and not over-do it...so I just said...Love you. The sad lingered...so since I was already swimming in it...I went to the cemetery.

I never go.

That may sound strange to some of you. But in my mind...I know she is not there. It is just a big hunk of granite. Yet, I am her mama. I needed to go and be sad there for awhile. So I went. I wondered as I walked to her grave why I always go on very wet windy days...my shoes are always covered in mud for days after I go...I do not usually clean them, I just look at the mud and think of my baby...and how I hate the cemetery. I walked back to her grave and cried. I walked around her grave and cried. I stood and let the wind make a blasted mess of my hair...and I cried.

Sometimes I feel like I am clinging to the pieces of my life so tight that my arms go numb from the pain...I fear dropping a piece, even if that piece is gone already...it is just memories. I find myself holding tighter to Andy...I know I have to let it all go...God is in control not me...I know this...but sometimes my heart fails to follow on it's own.

Today was one of those sometimes.

It seems as of late it is the little things that get me...this is going to be a forever problem, I know. You cannot help when the memories hit. When they hit in the middle of laughter and suddenly your laughter turns to crying...like in Mary Poppins, when they are laughing on the ceiling having such a marvelous time...then Mary says it is time to leave and they all sink to the ground.

Sometimes I sink. Hard. Fast. Without warning.

Today was one of those sometimes.

After I could stand being by her grave no longer...I left and went to where else...Wal-Mart.

I bought fancy creamer for my de-caf coffee and fake self tanner...hey, I am a girl, buying things sometimes makes us feel better.

Sometimes.