Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sometimes

Sometimes things hit you when you least expect them. For me, these things usually revolve around Caden and missing her. Sometimes they are silly things, sometimes they are very real and meaningful.

I was taking the captain to go workout this evening...(yes folks, he is up and exercising, but not too hard he promises me) and I was thinking about my little cousin, whom I babysit. During one of his feedings today he only took half a bottle...this did not concern me, Caden did this often...but it got me remembering her. Those precious moments when I would feed her and she was too busy smiling and giggling to eat...how she would just gum the bottle and I would get frustrated, because I was thinking she needed to eat and not just play.

This was what was running through my head as the captain and I were hurtling down the interstate toward the workout center. This is what I was thinking about when I started to cry...to the captain, seemingly, out of nowhere. This is what I was thinking about as he grabbed my hand and asked if I was OK...yes, I replied as I was doing the shaky breath, ugly cry face. Do you miss Caden? He asked. Yeah...again me with the ugly cry face, shaky voice and tears now streaming down my cheeks. Silence followed, with us holding hands hurtling down the highway...

The sad stayed with me as I dropped him off, trying not to sound like a mother and tell him to be careful and not over-do it...so I just said...Love you. The sad lingered...so since I was already swimming in it...I went to the cemetery.

I never go.

That may sound strange to some of you. But in my mind...I know she is not there. It is just a big hunk of granite. Yet, I am her mama. I needed to go and be sad there for awhile. So I went. I wondered as I walked to her grave why I always go on very wet windy days...my shoes are always covered in mud for days after I go...I do not usually clean them, I just look at the mud and think of my baby...and how I hate the cemetery. I walked back to her grave and cried. I walked around her grave and cried. I stood and let the wind make a blasted mess of my hair...and I cried.

Sometimes I feel like I am clinging to the pieces of my life so tight that my arms go numb from the pain...I fear dropping a piece, even if that piece is gone already...it is just memories. I find myself holding tighter to Andy...I know I have to let it all go...God is in control not me...I know this...but sometimes my heart fails to follow on it's own.

Today was one of those sometimes.

It seems as of late it is the little things that get me...this is going to be a forever problem, I know. You cannot help when the memories hit. When they hit in the middle of laughter and suddenly your laughter turns to crying...like in Mary Poppins, when they are laughing on the ceiling having such a marvelous time...then Mary says it is time to leave and they all sink to the ground.

Sometimes I sink. Hard. Fast. Without warning.

Today was one of those sometimes.

After I could stand being by her grave no longer...I left and went to where else...Wal-Mart.

I bought fancy creamer for my de-caf coffee and fake self tanner...hey, I am a girl, buying things sometimes makes us feel better.

Sometimes.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Next time call me. I'll go with you, I don't mind muddy shoes and sometimes it's just good to have a cry with someone beside you, hugging you...someone who misses your sweet baby girl. Love you. b

Elizabeth said...

I was just there doing the same thing Sunday(and I never go either)....and then I went and shopped too, except I spent way more money then you did. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your sad. Praying for strength for you. Your amazing and don't forget that. =)

Kylee said...

I am keeping you in my prayers. I am sorry for your loss.

Renee said...

I just ran across your blog recently and am definitely praying for you.

Side note, my mom's maiden name is Chastain and she is originally from Indiana...I am sure she is related to your husband somehow!!

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

I'm so sorry, Cari.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit

Love you

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I just wanted to let you know I have been reading your blog and praying for your husband. I'm soooo sorry to hear that you have lost a child. I know it has to be the worse thing in the whole world.

I lost a baby cousin 3 years ago, and I know how hard it was on my aunt and uncle. My aunt and I are very close, and she still will have those hard days, because the loss of her child will never go away, but as time goes on you become stronger and God shows you that your baby is ok.
Your baby girl is you angel watching down on you, and she see's what a wonderful person you are.

I hope you stay strong in the days to come and know everything will be alright in God's Hands

Justin said...

Captain. (sigh).

Stacey said...

oh darling, my heart hurts for you today. I'm hugging you from Kokomo! and ps...shopping typically makes me feel better too!

Meredith said...

Sending prayers your way from Illionis.

Sallye said...

Cari,

I wish..I could go back in time and undo this. I could kiss the pain and make it go away. I had the words to lessen this grief. I had wise words to give you.

But as the saying goes If wishes were horses..

I am glad you had a good cry, and some retail therapy. That you are open and honest and willing to face this pain. That you are making peace with your grief if that is even possible.

Praying for you.

Sarah said...

I just can't imagine the way you feel. We continue to lift your family up in prayer.

Robyn said...

Thank you for sharing your heart Cari, you seem like such an amazingly beautiful woman inside and out.

Debby said...

A long time ago, in one of your bolgs, you asked if anything positive came out of Caden's death, and to let you know if it did. That thought has always stuck with me and I've been meaning to answer that. The day's me kids are driving me nuts - you know the days they can't seem to obey to save their lives - the days nap time can't come soon enough - those days when I think I'm going to loose my mind - I think of Caden. And all the pain you and Andy are going through - and I'm thankful again that their here to drive me nuts. I don't think I could tell you this inperson because I'm bawling my eyes out right now as I type this. I love how real your blog is. Your pain is ..., yet your faith in God is amazing to watch. It's inspiring to me. You have such a minitry in your blog. I'm not very good at writing - so I hope this came out right. I pray for you guys often.

Julie said...

hugs - i love you.

(make sure you stay at wal-mart and don't venture into a place like banana republic!...self tanner is a lot more excusable than a $50 tank top...)

hope today is full of smiles and a few belly laughs. : ) I miss ya

Krista Lynn said...

just wanted to remind you that I'm praying for you today!!! i had a crying break down yesterday too... different circumstances... but still. i can sort of relate. praying for you today!
~ krista from seattle

Psalm112 said...

Praying....

Beck said...

Cari,

I'm just reading with tears running down my cheeks. I know your arms ache from holding on so tightly. I can't imagine the fear, how it creeps in with the little memories. All I can really say is thank you for telling us about it. I had a picture of you in the cemetery...and how maybe you need a place to go and be in the wind and cold and mud. But your little Caden has been redeemed and I know you are so grateful that she is not there.

CaliGirl said...

I can't imagine your pain. Hopefully, by giving your pain words through your posts, it helps to ease it somewhat. Please know that when you cry, we cry with you.

Isa 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.