Friday, April 17, 2009

Looking back

When we look back, things are so clear.

Nope, I should not have put my new jeans in the dryer...now 1 inch shorter than the fashion OK.
After painting the whole bath room...no, Andy, I am sorry this is just the wrong color.

Even the battles become clear after the dust settles and the screams subside.

The day Caden died we had a choice, looking back, to scream and rant and shake or fist at God, or to cling to our faith in Him and His character. Looking back we had a choice. At the time, I didn't feel like I did...there was only one choice...we chose God. I remember I kept saying over and over in my head, "God is Good. God doesn't change. He was good this morning...He is still good." I had to tell myself these things because they were and are true, but not necessarily how I was feeling.

I once had a very wise women say, if you can make God the center of small easy choices, than when it comes to the hard ones, God is the only answer. This is, I suppose, where Andy and I were the day Caden passed. We were already in the center of the storm with God.

It was hard, and days and weeks that followed were one faith based choice after another. We reminded each other of Gods word and who He is. We had to cling to what we knew to be true and not where our emotions would lead us.

It seems we are on a similar road today. The battles are up ahead, some behind, but we keep reminding each other who has won the war.
Each day this past week and a half has presented many occasions where either the Captain, or myself could have thrown up the white flag, we could have said, nope, I am tired, I have had enough. However, to be completely honest, I have not even felt the need to do so. I know in my head, this past week has been what would be defined as a "crisis" by many...but I have not felt like I am in one, or that I am in crisis mode. Most of this is due to all the prayers and Gods peace. Some of it, I think, is due to the fact that I have been in a "crisis" before and that time...I came out of it with severe wounds...in this battle, scratches and sleep deprivation...but I still have my Captain, and of course, my Shepherd.

I had a down day last week...I think I mentioned you were seeing me in a weak moment. At one point I was talking on the phone to my friend Stacey, and I remember saying " I am tired of it being me." That is still true. But I have since re-evaluated, as long as it is me...I will try not to complain.
You see, Andy was in the hospital over Easter. On Easter Sunday I sat next to his bed while he slept and read the crucifixion and resurrection story in all four gospels. I decided then, that if God himself would die for me...I would do anything for Him...give Him my daughter, let go of the Captain and bow to His decision of a brain tumor, let my unborn child rest in His hands, give my future to Him...whatever the cost.

It is still an every day, no, and every choice, battle. I have to remind myself what Gods word, His truth, and His will are.

He died for me... I will live for Him.

18 comments:

Nansie Whitt said...

You are such a strong woman and such an encouragement to those of us watching from the outside. You and Andy has been in our thoughts and prayers continuously. May God grant you enough peace for the moments you face today.

Nansie (Rebecca Ahlgrim's daughter)

Elizabeth said...

I keep thinking this week that anyone getting ready to take wedding vows should read your story and see that those words you say just aren't fluff. You and Andy really personify every vow you made to each other and to God on your wedding date which I should know but can't remember and please don't be offended I can't even remember mom and dad's! Love you both.

Janelle said...

Thank you for that beautiful message. I can't tell you how many countless blogs I have read that said the exact same thing. But this time, this time, it was different. I now want to fully live my live for HIM! I have always been a believer, but have strayed and you have brought me back! Thank you for inspiring me to be a better wife and mother. May your family be blessed always and forever! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Thank you again!

Psalm112 said...

Amen!!

bob1l said...

Hi Carri, this is Andy's friend from hs Bob. I have never blooged before, so if this read like a ROOKIE, I apologize. I have really enjoyed reading this site, and admire you and Andy both for your faith and perserverance (hope that is spelled right) through such tough times. I really just wanted to check on the big guy, and make sure he was donig alright. With such a wonderful wife there with him, I can't imagine he isn't. Well, if you don't mind, let him know I said hi, and that I hope he is feeling better!

Sallye said...

Cari,

I found your blog from Kelly's Korner. I went back and read all of the entries, and you know..for a woman that says she is not a deep thinker, you have amazing clarity in your thoughts and words. So you just keep thinking that, and we will keep reaping the benefits of it.

Praying for you both, and the forth coming Riggs.

Sallye

cheryl said...

You are BEAUTIFULLY...Bringing Him Glory!

Krista Lynn said...

Cari, what a BEAUTIFUL post! Thank you for that! It's interesting b/c you are now the 3rd person to post a similar thing of seeing the calm among the storm! God is alive - even over blog! I love it!

Still praying for the Captain, you & baby Rigg! We do serve an alive and active Lord! Amen!

Still praying from Seattle,
Krista Lynn

Jennifer Henry said...

powerful post. Thank you for your example.

sarah said...

you guys are in our prayers

Emily said...

What a wonderful post, more over a precious testimony of the relationship our Father offers to His children.
Your words are a great blessing!
Thank you and may you continue to see God's hand in all of this.
From a fellow BSF'er in OK

Katy said...

He died for me, I'll live for Him.
(and now I'm thinking about The Pledge...)
It's so easy until life happens.

Prayers!

Justin said...

Captain!!!

Cindy Cobb said...

I am certain that one day both you and Andy will hear these words,
"Well done, good and faithful servant."

Just Me - The Champion said...

Carie, I heard about your blog and your story from a friend of mine. We are both are blown away at your journey, your story and your faith in God. Please know that I am praying for you, your husband and your upcoming pregnancy. May god's healing hands and unending protection just saturate your life and your heart. -jen

Anonymous said...

I couldn't find the comment poster thingy on the last post...(Sat the 18th)so i'm commenting here. I think i've left a comment once before but I just wanted to say how inspiring you and Andy are. I found you from kellys korner and have been reading since right before the surgery. I must admit I spent hours catching up on your story and watching all the videos of your little angel. You and Andy are so strong and your faith shines brightly. I will continue to pray for everything you listed and also for you.
Linmarie in Florida

BRiehl said...

I tried to comment on your most recent post, but I can't find a place to do it, so I hope you see this. I am a comment watcher too! I usually have 1; 3 is a big day for me :) Isn't it silly what brings us comfort at times?
I have been lurking on your blog for a while and praying lots. I have a 15 month old daughter and am 21 weeks pregnant with daughter #2. My husband gets annoyed with me when I read blogs that involve "tough situations" since I am pregnant, but I keep telling him "We are the body of Christ. I can't be afraid to feel pain for someone else or read about their needs so I can pray just because it might scare me a little." I am praying for you, husband and baby. I cried the other day when you wrote "I'm tired of it being me". Oh how I understand those feelings. I can't go into why, but I do know that God is tired of it being us, too. I think He is more than ready to bring us home, just being patient while all things line up for His perfect timing. Praying for you and thinking of you.

Katy said...

Hi, I'm a new visitor to your blog. I found you through a link from 'Kelly's Korner' I think it was. I have cried while reading through your blog, and wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family.

This post was exactly what I needed to read tonight. I got chills. We are expecting to hear this week whether my husband will be losing his job or not, and I've been tempted to be anxious about it. I know it's a tiny trial compared to what you have faced and are currently experiencing, but I just wanted to you to know that your words, your faith, courage, and determination to follow and glorify Jesus have really encouraged me.

Thank you.