Looking back

When we look back, things are so clear.

Nope, I should not have put my new jeans in the dryer...now 1 inch shorter than the fashion OK.
After painting the whole bath room...no, Andy, I am sorry this is just the wrong color.

Even the battles become clear after the dust settles and the screams subside.

The day Caden died we had a choice, looking back, to scream and rant and shake or fist at God, or to cling to our faith in Him and His character. Looking back we had a choice. At the time, I didn't feel like I did...there was only one choice...we chose God. I remember I kept saying over and over in my head, "God is Good. God doesn't change. He was good this morning...He is still good." I had to tell myself these things because they were and are true, but not necessarily how I was feeling.

I once had a very wise women say, if you can make God the center of small easy choices, than when it comes to the hard ones, God is the only answer. This is, I suppose, where Andy and I were the day Caden passed. We were already in the center of the storm with God.

It was hard, and days and weeks that followed were one faith based choice after another. We reminded each other of Gods word and who He is. We had to cling to what we knew to be true and not where our emotions would lead us.

It seems we are on a similar road today. The battles are up ahead, some behind, but we keep reminding each other who has won the war.
Each day this past week and a half has presented many occasions where either the Captain, or myself could have thrown up the white flag, we could have said, nope, I am tired, I have had enough. However, to be completely honest, I have not even felt the need to do so. I know in my head, this past week has been what would be defined as a "crisis" by many...but I have not felt like I am in one, or that I am in crisis mode. Most of this is due to all the prayers and Gods peace. Some of it, I think, is due to the fact that I have been in a "crisis" before and that time...I came out of it with severe wounds...in this battle, scratches and sleep deprivation...but I still have my Captain, and of course, my Shepherd.

I had a down day last week...I think I mentioned you were seeing me in a weak moment. At one point I was talking on the phone to my friend Stacey, and I remember saying " I am tired of it being me." That is still true. But I have since re-evaluated, as long as it is me...I will try not to complain.
You see, Andy was in the hospital over Easter. On Easter Sunday I sat next to his bed while he slept and read the crucifixion and resurrection story in all four gospels. I decided then, that if God himself would die for me...I would do anything for Him...give Him my daughter, let go of the Captain and bow to His decision of a brain tumor, let my unborn child rest in His hands, give my future to Him...whatever the cost.

It is still an every day, no, and every choice, battle. I have to remind myself what Gods word, His truth, and His will are.

He died for me... I will live for Him.