Wednesday, April 22, 2009

All over the place

Today has been a day...not necessarily one for "the record books" but a day none the less. I have traveled an emotional roller coaster today. I am up, I am down, I am laughing, I am crying...I am stuck in the blasted thing because of all the ridiculously tasty cookies I have eaten...I mean really who would have guessed that the vanilla Oreo is so addictive?!?

Andy is doing well today, as he has been everyday, thank you very much. He got a super fun eye exam today...eyes dilated and the whole bit...he has some nifty glasses coming his way in about 7-10 business days...WhooHoo.

We go see the Neurosurgeon tomorrow morning to get the dreaded staples out. We have a few questions for him as well. We are still trying to find the right anti-seizure meds that will work for Andy...he has not had any seizures, so the ones he is on are working per se, but he is having mild side effects...ones a guy could live with, but the question remains...does he have to?
Some good news...Andy may have his sights set on his very last, that's right folks I said last, OT session on Thursday evening. His therapist said he does not see the need for Andy to continue...because he is advancing so quickly. The therapist is sending his new updated eval to the Dr. and with his permission...the captain can consider himself graduated!

In other news...I have been following some blogs (why I do this to myself, I will never know) that deal with babies in the hospital fighting for either their life or the privilege of a "normal" one...whatever that means. I have sat and cried over babies and families I have never, or possibly will ever, meet. As you might suspect I have quite a soft spot when it comes to the little ones. I hurt for the mommies of these little blessings...I know the hurt of losing a child. I wish that on no one.

I miss my baby.

I think the past couple of weeks have been so busy, so all-consuming of my mental facilities, which to be honest are at a laughable low, so Andy focused...that I have not had much time to continue my grief for Caden....I think I caught up to it today.

I realized today I am forgetting some of the things about her. Her smell, her soft cheek...the way it felt next to mine. What it felt like to hold her...She has been gone as long as she was here...soon her absence will be longer than her life.

I miss my baby.

As many of you know I am a BSFer ( Bible Study Fellowship). This year we have been studying the life of Moses. It has been a great study...even if Leviticus is right smack dab in the middle of it. I have been reading through Deuteronomy this week. It has me thinking about this past year. Well, the past 8 mo.s, really. What has God been teaching me? Have I learned from it? Am I going to remember...this is the greatest one for me, as I read Moses words to the I going to remember...
I have learned more than I can list here...or possibly even put into words. I am sure as I think about it longer, I will realize more than I have already. But what stands out the most is Gods power and His sovereignty. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that the God I worship and lay my life before, is the same God who sent down plagues upon Egypt and opened the Red Sea...The Power and might my God has is I will not try. I just sit and oogle at the God I serve, the powerful, mighty, lay-down-His-life-for-me Savior...amazing. His sovereignty is another thing I have learned more about this year...God does what God wills to do. He is in control, no matter what happens. He is never surprised, never taken off guard...never late, never not there. He Is.

But, will I remember?

Don't be silly you say...of course you will...look at all He has done these past 8 mo.s.

I say, let's not be so hasty here, people....Look at everything He did for the Israelites...and they forgot...They saw miracles, they heard Gods voice...all right in front of their faces...and they forgot...they did their own thing. They messed up. If it can happen to them, of all people, It can happen to me...If I am not careful.

I want to remember how God worked in the life and death of my daughter. I want to remember how God never let me fall. I want to remember how he cradled my husbands life in His hands and brought him through...I want to remember...So I write this a diary of sorts. To document the happenings of our life...and how God worked in it. So when people say, How do you know God is real? I can come back and say, have you heard the story of The Tumor? Caden? Have you heard what He has done for me?

I want to remember...So I pray, specifics, and see those specifics get answered...God is good.

I want to remember...So I read my bible and see what He has said He will do, and I claim those promises for myself...and watch Him do what He says He will do...God is powerful.

I want to remember...So God gave me friends, family, strangers to remind me when I am in need...God is gracious.

I want to remember...He gave me a husband who is a living, breathing example of what He can do...God is the Giver of all good things.

Now that I have taken you hither and beyond, up and down and all around on my roller coaster with me... I will sign off. Not without a THANK YOU for all the prayers. We covet them all.

And really...did ya'll know about the vanilla Oreo's?!?!?!?


Lindsay said...

You incredible faith inspires me.
Lindsay from South Africa.

Joyfulmom said...

I have been reluctant to try the vanilla oreos because I was afraid they would be addictive! Now I see I was right ;-)

I love how you are letting us in on your thoughts. I too fear forgetting what God has done for me & what He is doing! So I too write! Keep blogging!

Praying for you, Andy & baby Rigg!!

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

I'm gonna have to check out those vanilla oreos.

Orrrr, at Lea said....maybe I won't. Lol.


Lindsey said...

Another beautiful post, Cari. I appreciated your BSF application. I will pray for you right now.

I discovered fudge covered graham crackers for the first time today. I'm guessing that I matched you cookie for cookie...and I'm not even pregnant! (Although I may start to look like I am if I keep this up!)

Heather said...

I'll say it again, you're an amazing woman with an amazing faith. Thank you for helping me remember on one of my roller coaster days how good God is!

Katie said...

I've been following your blog for the past month. Thanks for sharing your amazing faith and journey. I will continue to pray for you from North Dakota. And I must add I'm 7 months pregnant and going to find some vanilla Oreos!

Boothbloggers said...

I can only imagine the depth of the things you and your family have been through over the past months, and I must say it is so refreshing to see your faith in our God who is good. Thank you for sharing, b/c I am definitely one who is sorta like those Isrealites, and forgets that sometimes.
And I can't try the oreos b/c i'm 30 weeks pregnant and addicted to choc. chip cookies (esp the ones form McAllisters Deli) ;)One bad addiction at a time!! :)

dg darling said...

Too funny! I actually ate, ok finished off, over half a pakage of vanilla Oreos today. I thought I was the only one with a problem! Does it make it any better if it was over a period of about 4 hours and not all at once?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart's thoughts. I am praying Ephesians 3:16 for you both and I have already witnessed His power in you.
cindy from indy

Kathy said...

Vanilla oreos are so amazing that I can't buy them anymore. I'd get one (or five) every time I walked by the kitchen pantry.

Praying for you and your family,

BRiehl said...

Crying. Beautiful. Thanks. And now I am craving Vanilla Oreos...craving something I've never had. My husband will thank you for adding another craving to this pregnancy :)

chris said...

I truly believe in the power of prayer, and I have recently published a book that may be of some help to you and your family. You can review it at, just type in the title, Praying the Prayers of the Apostle Paul. I really hope that it helps you and encourages your faith.

Beck said...

SUCH a good post. Thank you, thank you. I want to remember, too. And you are so right - are we all that different from the Israelites?

I know you are missing Caden. My heart hurts for you as it catches up to you again...but I think that's good, too. Keep grieving while we carry you for a little while.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Cari. I have been in the desert with the Isrealites some over the past couple of years - forgetting. Thankfully God still loves me despite my dull mind and ungrateful heart. thanks for reminding me to remember - maybe I should start a blog.

vanilla oreos - neh. i'll stick with straight milk chocolate and doritos.

do you think you'll come to the ladies luncheon saturday? i am going attempting to share what i can remember. pray for me. joyce

Krista Lynn said...

ok... you got me there Cari!
This blog was AMAZING!!! Brought tears to my eyes. I so wish I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee (or tea) and hear your story! It's amazing what you've been through, what you are going through, and seriously, how strong you are through it all! I LOVE it! =) I'm sure the captain feels so blessed, and I know Caden was as well, and I know that baby Rigg will too! You're family is SO lucky to have you as their wife/mother/friend and so much more! Pleasel know that we all love you - strangers too! - and are praying for you!!!
Keep seeking the Shepard! You truly are an encouragement, even to me in Seattle!
Much love & MANY prayers,
Krista Lynn

Joyfulmom said...

Just wanted to tell you it was so good to see you two at church this evening. Cari, you were glowing (so beautiful!!). It was good to see Andy shooting hoops! I just love seeing all God is doing for you!

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

You make such an excellent point. I often wonder how the Israelites could forget and then I think about myself and how easily we do forget. I look at you and think that you will never forget but we do - we all forget at some point. I am thankful you write this blog because I think about you both and I worry about you and I want to know what is going on in your head (because I am like that) and I am continually amazed at the things that come your way and how you both handle them. You are such an example to us all whether you choose to be or not - you are and thank you for that. Also, I had to quit reading the blogs about babies - I want to pray for them but I just can't or I am so down for days on end and my husband wonders what in the world is wrong with me. So he bans me from such things maybe until after I give birth and my hormones are more regulated.

Julie said...

Congratulations Andy for Graduating!! I never doubted a second...but never anticipated with such flying colors (aka so fast)

Cari, I am sure those vanilla oreos have some sort or raw egg or fish product or non-processed cheese that you should not be eating during your pregnancy....I can just feel it...

Sallye said...


See there you go not being a deep thinker again, and we get to profit and learn from it. I have always said that I do not have a testimony, because I am the testimony of God grace, lovingkindness and forgiveness.

I agree with you about God and the Israelites..sadly we all forget..But you are doing what God told the Israelites to do, building mouments to wonderfilled things He has done in your life.


Stacey said...

Ok so I laughed out loud when I read Julie's post. I can't wait for her to be pregnant! And just wanted to say I feel privileged to call you one of my best friends after reading your posts and all these comments! I feel quite blessed!

Anonymous said...

Ok, can I join the best friend club, too (we've counted Waffle and Steaks together from Florida to Indy, that should qualify me, don't you think???) And Julie, I bet those Oreo's have caffeine - so we probably have her on that one, right???? Love you girls!
(my attempt at being anonymous - if you know me, you know my "b")

Anonymous said...

Wow. I found your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend. I just lost a baby at 14 wks, held her in my arms for a moment, never got to see her open her eyes or hear her sweet little voice. We named her Ellie Kate. I love your blog. I love your sweet baby girl Caden. You and Andy & Caden have touched my heart so deeply. I am grieving with you and so thankful for your honesty. I want to remember too. So afraid I'm going to forget. Nice to know I'm not alone. Laura