Today has been a day...not necessarily one for "the record books" but a day none the less. I have traveled an emotional roller coaster today. I am up, I am down, I am laughing, I am crying...I am stuck in the blasted thing because of all the ridiculously tasty cookies I have eaten...I mean really who would have guessed that the vanilla Oreo is so addictive?!?
Andy is doing well today, as he has been everyday, thank you very much. He got a super fun eye exam today...eyes dilated and the whole bit...he has some nifty glasses coming his way in about 7-10 business days...WhooHoo.
We go see the Neurosurgeon tomorrow morning to get the dreaded staples out. We have a few questions for him as well. We are still trying to find the right anti-seizure meds that will work for Andy...he has not had any seizures, so the ones he is on are working per se, but he is having mild side effects...ones a guy could live with, but the question remains...does he have to?
Some good news...Andy may have his sights set on his very last, that's right folks I said last, OT session on Thursday evening. His therapist said he does not see the need for Andy to continue...because he is advancing so quickly. The therapist is sending his new updated eval to the Dr. and with his permission...the captain can consider himself graduated!
In other news...I have been following some blogs (why I do this to myself, I will never know) that deal with babies in the hospital fighting for either their life or the privilege of a "normal" one...whatever that means. I have sat and cried over babies and families I have never, or possibly will ever, meet. As you might suspect I have quite a soft spot when it comes to the little ones. I hurt for the mommies of these little blessings...I know the hurt of losing a child. I wish that on no one.
I miss my baby.
I think the past couple of weeks have been so busy, so all-consuming of my mental facilities, which to be honest are at a laughable low, so Andy focused...that I have not had much time to continue my grief for Caden....I think I caught up to it today.
I realized today I am forgetting some of the things about her. Her smell, her soft cheek...the way it felt next to mine. What it felt like to hold her...She has been gone as long as she was here...soon her absence will be longer than her life.
I miss my baby.
As many of you know I am a BSFer ( Bible Study Fellowship). This year we have been studying the life of Moses. It has been a great study...even if Leviticus is right smack dab in the middle of it. I have been reading through Deuteronomy this week. It has me thinking about this past year. Well, the past 8 mo.s, really. What has God been teaching me? Have I learned from it? Am I going to remember...this is the greatest one for me, as I read Moses words to the Israelites...am I going to remember...
I have learned more than I can list here...or possibly even put into words. I am sure as I think about it longer, I will realize more than I have already. But what stands out the most is Gods power and His sovereignty. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that the God I worship and lay my life before, is the same God who sent down plagues upon Egypt and opened the Red Sea...The Power and might my God has is indescribable...so I will not try. I just sit and oogle at the God I serve, the powerful, mighty, lay-down-His-life-for-me Savior...amazing. His sovereignty is another thing I have learned more about this year...God does what God wills to do. He is in control, no matter what happens. He is never surprised, never taken off guard...never late, never not there. He Is.
But, will I remember?
Don't be silly you say...of course you will...look at all He has done these past 8 mo.s.
I say, let's not be so hasty here, people....Look at everything He did for the Israelites...and they forgot...They saw miracles, they heard Gods voice...all right in front of their faces...and they forgot...they did their own thing. They messed up. If it can happen to them, of all people, It can happen to me...If I am not careful.
I want to remember how God worked in the life and death of my daughter. I want to remember how God never let me fall. I want to remember how he cradled my husbands life in His hands and brought him through...I want to remember...So I write this blog...as a diary of sorts. To document the happenings of our life...and how God worked in it. So when people say, How do you know God is real? I can come back and say, have you heard the story of The Tumor? Caden? Have you heard what He has done for me?
I want to remember...So I pray, specifics, and see those specifics get answered...God is good.
I want to remember...So I read my bible and see what He has said He will do, and I claim those promises for myself...and watch Him do what He says He will do...God is powerful.
I want to remember...So God gave me friends, family, strangers to remind me when I am in need...God is gracious.
I want to remember...He gave me a husband who is a living, breathing example of what He can do...God is the Giver of all good things.
Now that I have taken you hither and beyond, up and down and all around on my roller coaster with me... I will sign off. Not without a THANK YOU for all the prayers. We covet them all.
And really...did ya'll know about the vanilla Oreo's?!?!?!?