I slept terribly last night. I cannot get comfy. I am just too big and awkward to sleep. I awoke around 4:45 for yet another bathroom visit and was still awake at 6:15 at witch point I thought to myself, well, if I cannot get comfy facing this direction lets change positions...not of me necessarily but I flipped around in the bed so my feet are usually where my head is...It worked. I slept until 7:20 or so before I had to get up and get ready for church. The captain woke up and stared at my feet for a few seconds before registering that I was upside down. He gave me a very quizzical look and I just shrugged and said...hey whatever works! and struggled out of bed and into a shower.
I got dressed for church, I thought I looked silly, but when only a few things fit, you work with what ya got. The dress I wore is far shorter in the front these days than the back, as if I need another reminder that my torso is expanding in an unflatering direction.
We get to church, I sit and try to get comfortable...I stress try. Then the worship starts. The first song is one of my favorite old hymns, Be Thou My Vision. I start to cry. I used to sing that song to Caden every night before she went to bed. I was crying so hard I couldn't sing. I somehow made it through all of worship and then slipped out to the bathroom. No surprise to those around,a prego lady as big as myself must need to use the facilities. I went to the restroom, wedged myself inside a stall and balled. As I sat there crying my eyes out, I felt like a high school girl who has skipped class to cry in the bathroom. I kept thinking I was really going to have to explain myself to the first poor lady who was lucky enough to enter into my crazy first. To my surprise...no one came in. I washed my hands tried to clean up my face and waited a little while so my eyes were not so red, and then I headed back to service...all too soon. I ran into one of my best friend's dads on the way. I have mentioned before that my friends and I go back many years...I have known this man for about 15 years. He knows me and my family very well...he is like a dad to me. He smiled and in his characteristic sarcastic manner that I love, he said...What are you doing out here? Well there was just no use...I started to cry again. I said "I was crying in the bathroom...I just can't seem to stop." He hugged me. I said " I just miss her so much. The first song we sang today was the song I used to sing to her before bed." he gave me another hug, kissed my head and said " I know, we all miss her too." I said since he lead music today it was all his fault...we both shared a laugh, then I excused myself, for I had to head back into the bathroom to clean up....again. It took a shorter time this time...I walked out, saw him from the corner of my eye, said "No worries, I'm good." and slipped back into church.
The rest of the day was nice, a good long nap and dinner at my parents with my grandparents. I feel so loved sometimes. I am surrounded by people who care about me and accept my crying fits with ease. Even men who are not family...by blood at least. God continues to show me how he comforts, through His word, through others...I am so blessed.
Speaking of blessed...about 17 ladies that I attend church with showered me with love and diapers at a surprise baby shower. I know it is customary to get a shower with your first...but not so with your second. I know my situation is a bit different than most. But I was completely overwhelmed with how much they care. They really love me and my family. They love my baby already...and no one even knows what he is like. I keep racking my brain to figure out how I deserve such love and caring from others...I got nothing. I just continue to be blown away by how Jesus loves through us and others love because of Jesus...the body of Christ at work is a beautiful thing to behold. I am in awe and fascinated every time I am able to witness it. Thank you ladies for a great memory and a wonderful time.
Rigg got some great stuff and tons of diapers...as well as a lovely pair of basketball shorts, just so he can be just like his daddy!
Only a few more days!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
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9 comments:
Oh I think we've all headed to the ladies' room for a good cry. My husband and I were at a marriage conference right after our first miscarriage and made the horrific mistake of going to the mom/dad talks at the end of the weekend. (They split up the men and women and it was a husband/wife, then mom/dad talk) We also had started birth control that very day and I was in the bathroom almost immediately. Some poor lady came in and heard me and stood outside the stall until I emerged a blubbering mess. I feel for you.
I actually was thinking of you in the grocery store today during a rare shopping trip alone. I thought about your precious babies and prayed for you as Rigg's arrival draws near. Never apologize to anyone for your emotions: you love your children and that is so important.
Sorry to seem like a blogger stalker. You encourage me and have touched my heart. Praying for all that needs to be done to be ready for your son. Hope you have a wonderful week. (And I was up all night with an uncomfortable preggo belly too. I was up at 3 and finally gave up and left the room by 4:30...we missed church, so I appluad you! I will have to try the upside down thing tonight!)
Hey Cari, I rarely comment but had to tell you what a laugh I got from your hubby waking up to your feet. Sounds like something that would happen over here! I also wanted to tell you how excited I am for your family to get to welcome little Rigg!! He will be so loved =) Glad you got a little party. You'll need all the diapers you can get ;)
Praying in Florida!!
LinMarie
Cari,
Let it rip... in your preganancy, in your walk with the Lord, while you worship, in your safe place with the body of Christ with your husband, friends and family. When those emotions come, just let them come and let them rip. I believe that the Lord created us in his image, that the soft spot of your heart is something that God cherishes, he shares it with you. We are able express it by crying. And how cool that you attend church with believers and friends who have loved you and known you for so long. What a blessing. I am so excited for you! Rigg is on the way, I am praying for a delivery and the awesome anticipation of him! peace! - jen
It sounds like you have a sweet, compassionate church family! The evening of my grandfather's funeral, my church had a youth revival that my children perform in. My grandmother told me to go, so I did. The song (forgot the title) containing the lyrics "I'm lost without you... I'm desperate for you." started playing and I LOST it. Right after the funeral that day, I had helped my grandmother change her clothes and she looked so broken. She told me, "I just feel lost without him." So when that part of the song played, I literally lost my breath and headed to the parking lot. My best friend came out to find me sobbing and just held me. Another friend had seen me leave crying and had summoned her. So sweet that they were so concerned.
Oh I feel for you. Those last few months, weeks, days are so UNCOMFORTABLE!!! Hang in there. I am also so very sorry that you have to miss your baby girl instead of having her here. I pray for you each time I check your blog (daily) and am so excited to see baby Riggs. I hope having another baby to hold will help soften your grief. May the Lord hold you in your times of need.
Oooh...I forgot to ask, how did Rigg's room turn out?
Of COURSE it's good to have showers for the 2nd, different situation or not! They are just as deserving as the first! Where are the shower pics? :)
You can do it... Just a few more days!
-Amy
Praying for you this week, Cari. Doug and I can't wait to meet your new little man. Is your to do list shortening? Praying for a mighty wave of peace and comfort this week. And sleep!
Bethany
Cari,
I'm praying for Thursday. THURSDAY! Please keep us posted. I am just sitting here thanking the Lord, over and over, for all He will do in the life of little Rigg. And I'm so grateful for friends who threw you the surprise shower. Love the body of Christ!
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