With 20 days left til my due date, all I have running through my head is a long list of things still to accomplish. Most are small things that just I can do (in case you were wanting to run up to me the next time you see me and offer, between gasping breaths, to help in any way , shape, or form...) It is just doing them. I was supposed to find out a date for my induction yesterday...but my Doc was in surgery(performing it, not undergoing it) and I had to see the nurse practitioner who had " no idea what-so-ever." about the date...."the office will have to call, probably on Monday." SO, no news till Monday folks. I was checked, and between my cries of pain and me trying to climb up the table away from the nice nurse lady she found out...NOTHING, I am nowhere....so, we wait til Monday for a date, and in the meantime hope I can accomplish something on my "BABY IS COMING DO SOMETHING!!!" list.
Yesterday has to be the weirdest day I have had in a long time. If I could separate myself from the activities I did, it was a lovely day, if I take the activities out of the equation and just think about how I felt...it was a terrible day...How do you mix those? I could not stop crying all day!!! All day. In the car listening to the radio, thinking about Caden...then I stupidly went to the cemetery (someone had been there recently and placed flowers on her grave) I cried until I was sobbing and shaking a bit...stupid Cari. So then I had to run by my parents house, to use the restroom (I am 143 months pregnant you know) and I touched up my makeup...thanks Mom for wearing the same kind I do ( what does that say about us?) Then off to the Doc...pregnant women out the door and all the moms coming in had pink strollers, car seats or dresses on their little girls...am I the only women in America having a boy? "Look up!, Blink, Blow air towards eyes...DO NOT CRY IN WAITING ROOM....good job! Then off to lunch with Mama, I was very quiet...which is OK , because my mom can talk forever...It was still very nice. Then back to the hospital to visit my friend and her new baby (I say back because I was there yesterday) We were having a lovely time, then she needed to use the bathroom....while she was gone I held her baby girl and talked and cooed at her. Then a rush of memories came flooding in. I was alone with Caden the day after she was born and no one was there yet. I was holding her close examining her, thinking...whose baby is this? (she looked like NO ONE I knew!) I told by friends baby "I remember." and it was all downhill from there. My friend came out of the bathroom and apologized for leaving us alone together...no need. It was just the day, running it's bizzar course, it would have happened anyway. So my friend sat and cried together missing my baby girl while we passed hers between us. I went to pick up the captain from work...we both had a hard day...I told him I cried all day...BUT it was a good day...We went to dinner with my parents and some other friends...it ended on a very nice up-swing.
I am tired of feeling pain and loss and hurt...but if I can still have a good day while doing it...things are going to be OK. God is working, I can see it in the weird days.
We have 4 ladies due in June in my Sunday school class. ( I love that I am 27 and still have a Sunday School class...they want to call is a Fellowship Class...but I refuse to budge.) All four have chosen names for their babes. 2 boys and 2 girls are to arrive. It is nice how God made it even for the anal retentive ones...I was thinking the other day about the names we are about to give our kids, when I couldn't help but laugh out loud...Andy was with me and looking at me like I was nuts says" what's so funny." So I explained what I was thinking about and sang the little song "one of these things is not like the others." to him...he needed more prompting. We are about to be graced with the presence of a Rachel (already here) a Sarah, a Caleb, and a Rigg...do you see one that stands out like a sore thumb? Later in the year we are getting a Jacob...(Heidi, you won't let me down will you?) I never realized how much the captain and I were different...Oh well, Rigg will never know. (RIIIGHT!)
OK I should go, my husband is washing the dishes...chemo patients should NOT have to do dishes!