Monday, December 14, 2009

that surpasses all understanding

I am scared. Not the pull out your hair, scream bloody murder kind of scared, but scared just the same. I have a nagging fear...a constant tug of worry...
One of my all time favorite movies is Disney's The Emperor's New Groove. It is totally my kind of humor. I have large quantities of the script set to memory.
In this movie there is a wonderful character named Kronk...at one point in the movie he is trying to decide what to do and his shoulder angel pops up...and so does his shoulder angel's counterpart...his shoulder devil.

All this to say...I feel like I have a new shoulder devil. A little guy whispering lies in my ear.

Rigg is sick...poor little man. He has a pretty bad ear infection and a viral thingy. He is grumpy and irritable. He is tired and has been throwing up a little bit. I took him to the Dr. this morning and he was prescribed an antibiotic. Hopefully and prayerfully he will feel better soon.

His pitiful state reminds me of Caden just before she passed. Andy and I have been calming ourselves and trying to be as level headed as possible. We do not want to be paranoid or scared at every little thing...but it brings up so many memories...and last time the outcome hurt...

So all day I have been trying to ignore my shoulder devil...I have been failing. I have been scared, I have been worried...I have been checking on Rigg repeatedly while he sleeps...I have been fearful.

A fear that has been in the back of my mind for ages has crept up this week. I have never voiced it...kinda like how you are never supposed to tell your wish when you blow out the candles or it doesn't come true...if I do not say it out loud...no one will know, and I can pretend I do not feel it.
I fear I will forever take care of babies and never raise children.
Stupid fear...it makes us see the worst.
Rigg being sick has magnified my fear and worry so much...I can see it, I can feel it...and it is hard not to crumple under the weight of it.

I prayed on the way to bible study this evening...I prayed for Rigg. For his health. I prayed for the Captain and me, that we would be wise in our actions and decisions regarding Rigg's health. For our sanity and peace...and that my child would live longer then me. I just had to voice it out loud to God. I told Him point blank...I do not want to burry another baby. I do not want to go through that pain again.
Please take the fear away...

Immediately I thought of 2 verses...

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

And then I thought about how Awesome God is. His comfort and peace has held me up this past year...and He is doing so even now, even while I stumble under the weight of Satan’s lies He brings scripture to mind...scripture that will help to sustain me in my time of need. He is there...

So I have been repeating these verses in my head, claiming the promise He has said He would give.

Peace.

11 comments:

Princess Heather said...

Cari,
My prayers are with you! I think anyone who has been in your place can understand your fear. And while our situation isn't nearly the same as losing a child, I always feared I would NEVER raise babies or children...and look what God has done. I have 3! All I can say is "take that Devil God proved again HE is all knowing." I'm praying for you, for Andy and for Rigg, that he will feel better soon, and be a baby long enough...and then be the child that you WILL raise! Peace dear, God's peace!

rebecca said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you and the Captain as well as healing for sweet Rigg.

Kylee said...

Keeping you in prayer.

Penny said...

Praying for you--- praying for Rigg. Hope your fear subsides and that your little boy feels better soon.

Rebekah said...

I fight that fear too. My situation is a little different- my son was stillborn- but now I fight the fear with a new pregnancy when I'm not feeling as much movement. I'm amazed though at the peace God has given each time my anxiety builds- it truly does surpass all my understanding. Praying that Rigg gets well soon and you are filled with peace.

Roni said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you and the Captain. Praying for Rigg to get better real fast.

Gretchen said...

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

When I don't know what to say a verse always works. I am praying for you all and Rigg today. It is very human to have the feelings you do and we would all feel the same way. I know that it is not comforting that is why I gave you the verse because as you know only God can get you through and give you the peace and comfort that you need. Love you all,

Sallye said...

Praying for you, the Captain, and Rigg. Zephaniah 3:17 is my fav and has carried me through some pretty rough spots along with Psalm 57:1

I do not think that if I were in your shoes that I would have walked this walk with the grace that you and the Captain have shown.

Interesting that there are a total of 365 do not fear scriptures..just enough manna for each day.

Kate said...

Praying for baby Rigg's health and for peace of mind for you and your husband.

Just Me - The Champion said...

I missed this post. PS. I love Kronk and think the writing in the Emperor's new Groove is very funny too. The enemy is such a punk. Can I just say that outloud? I love the verse about God having a righteous right hand. My pastor Linn tells me that she believe's god righteous right hand and arm is ripped... I'm talking muscular and huge. We love and serve and awesome inspiring strong and powerful God. This is a spiritual battle and I will pray against the yuck the enemy is trying to whisper to you. He's such a punk.. wimpy lame-o punk. :) God is bigger better and mountain moving. Thank you for telling us all about your fear. Your authentic walk is a light. Bring those things to the light and the darkness has NO power over you. You are my sister in Christ and together with all the other people who love you... we will pray against the enemy and his lies and we will watch God move mountains in your life. God bless you girlfriend. PEACE to you this Christmas.

Lv, jen

CaliGirl said...

Your strength continues to amaze me. I hope the verses above comfort you and I hope Rigg is feeling better soon (the same for his mommy and daddy, too).