I am scared. Not the pull out your hair, scream bloody murder kind of scared, but scared just the same. I have a nagging fear...a constant tug of worry...
One of my all time favorite movies is Disney's The Emperor's New Groove. It is totally my kind of humor. I have large quantities of the script set to memory.
In this movie there is a wonderful character named Kronk...at one point in the movie he is trying to decide what to do and his shoulder angel pops up...and so does his shoulder angel's counterpart...his shoulder devil.
All this to say...I feel like I have a new shoulder devil. A little guy whispering lies in my ear.
Rigg is sick...poor little man. He has a pretty bad ear infection and a viral thingy. He is grumpy and irritable. He is tired and has been throwing up a little bit. I took him to the Dr. this morning and he was prescribed an antibiotic. Hopefully and prayerfully he will feel better soon.
His pitiful state reminds me of Caden just before she passed. Andy and I have been calming ourselves and trying to be as level headed as possible. We do not want to be paranoid or scared at every little thing...but it brings up so many memories...and last time the outcome hurt...
So all day I have been trying to ignore my shoulder devil...I have been failing. I have been scared, I have been worried...I have been checking on Rigg repeatedly while he sleeps...I have been fearful.
A fear that has been in the back of my mind for ages has crept up this week. I have never voiced it...kinda like how you are never supposed to tell your wish when you blow out the candles or it doesn't come true...if I do not say it out loud...no one will know, and I can pretend I do not feel it.
I fear I will forever take care of babies and never raise children.
Stupid fear...it makes us see the worst.
Rigg being sick has magnified my fear and worry so much...I can see it, I can feel it...and it is hard not to crumple under the weight of it.
I prayed on the way to bible study this evening...I prayed for Rigg. For his health. I prayed for the Captain and me, that we would be wise in our actions and decisions regarding Rigg's health. For our sanity and peace...and that my child would live longer then me. I just had to voice it out loud to God. I told Him point blank...I do not want to burry another baby. I do not want to go through that pain again.
Please take the fear away...
Immediately I thought of 2 verses...
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
And then I thought about how Awesome God is. His comfort and peace has held me up this past year...and He is doing so even now, even while I stumble under the weight of Satan’s lies He brings scripture to mind...scripture that will help to sustain me in my time of need. He is there...
So I have been repeating these verses in my head, claiming the promise He has said He would give.