I will not lie, it has been hard. Rigg being sick, that is. He is getting better. In fact, he is 200 times better then he was before I took him to the Dr. just a week ago. Although we have been out and about, doing the things we usually would do, in my mind I have been a hot mess. I have fought a losing battle of worry and fear. Every time I pray and ask God to give me peace, I worry about him directly afterward…I know this is a battle Christ can/has won…but I am not embracing the victory.
Rigg started solids, got a cold, and ear infection all at the same time. So his eating habits have changed dramatically. I have vacillating between “do you think he is eating enough?” and “let it go Cari, just relax…he knows when he is hungry and when you are trying to feed him too much.” I make up my mind not to worry about it any more, trust God to take care of my baby and give me the wisdom I need to care for him, and no sooner do I finish thinking of my newfound freedom of worriless ness then I am wondering if he has eaten enough today… I have, consequently, asked every mom I know of a small babe how much their child eats…and then tried to weigh the information accordingly.
I just want to make sure I am giving him enough….however it does not matter how much I offer if he refuses to take it. Each day this past week has looked slightly different as far as feedings go. He is getting better, I think…He is acting fine, smiling and laughing like normal, and having plenty of wet diapers. So why am I worried? I DO NOT KNOW! He is just eating differently and slightly less then he once was.
And the fear has gripped my heart and will not let go.
I know in my head the way I chose to raise and feed Caden had nothing to do with her death…but by clinging to some small area of control over my son, I feel I can keep him safe, healthy…here.
I have had it up to my eyeballs with worrying about his food intake. I know some of you probably think this is silly…I am right there with ya, folks! I am being ridiculous. I cannot make him eat…I cannot control his health…and when I think about it logically he is within all healthy parameters for a child his age and size…
So my worry and fear over his food intake and health is CRAZY and a totally lack faith in God to take care of me and my family. I am trying to do it myself.
and it. is.exhausting.
I feel like with everything I have been through this past year and a half I should know I can trust God, I should be able to willingly and easily hand over the reigns of my life to Him…and each and everyday I find it hard…I find it a challenge. I want to. Oh, the freedom that comes with trusting and leaning on our Savoir…the simple bliss of knowing He is taking care…and I do not have to.
Let it go, Cari…
And all I can say for today…this moment, is, I am trying…