Monday, December 21, 2009

Effort

I will not lie, it has been hard. Rigg being sick, that is. He is getting better. In fact, he is 200 times better then he was before I took him to the Dr. just a week ago. Although we have been out and about, doing the things we usually would do, in my mind I have been a hot mess. I have fought a losing battle of worry and fear. Every time I pray and ask God to give me peace, I worry about him directly afterward…I know this is a battle Christ can/has won…but I am not embracing the victory.

Rigg started solids, got a cold, and ear infection all at the same time. So his eating habits have changed dramatically. I have vacillating between “do you think he is eating enough?” and “let it go Cari, just relax…he knows when he is hungry and when you are trying to feed him too much.” I make up my mind not to worry about it any more, trust God to take care of my baby and give me the wisdom I need to care for him, and no sooner do I finish thinking of my newfound freedom of worriless ness then I am wondering if he has eaten enough today… I have, consequently, asked every mom I know of a small babe how much their child eats…and then tried to weigh the information accordingly.

I just want to make sure I am giving him enough….however it does not matter how much I offer if he refuses to take it. Each day this past week has looked slightly different as far as feedings go. He is getting better, I think…He is acting fine, smiling and laughing like normal, and having plenty of wet diapers. So why am I worried? I DO NOT KNOW! He is just eating differently and slightly less then he once was.

And the fear has gripped my heart and will not let go.

I know in my head the way I chose to raise and feed Caden had nothing to do with her death…but by clinging to some small area of control over my son, I feel I can keep him safe, healthy…here.
I have had it up to my eyeballs with worrying about his food intake. I know some of you probably think this is silly…I am right there with ya, folks! I am being ridiculous. I cannot make him eat…I cannot control his health…and when I think about it logically he is within all healthy parameters for a child his age and size…

So my worry and fear over his food intake and health is CRAZY and a totally lack faith in God to take care of me and my family. I am trying to do it myself.

and it. is.exhausting.

I feel like with everything I have been through this past year and a half I should know I can trust God, I should be able to willingly and easily hand over the reigns of my life to Him…and each and everyday I find it hard…I find it a challenge. I want to. Oh, the freedom that comes with trusting and leaning on our Savoir…the simple bliss of knowing He is taking care…and I do not have to.

Let it go, Cari…

And all I can say for today…this moment, is, I am trying…

9 comments:

Princess Heather said...

Praying for you Cari.

Katy said...

Hang in there, Cari :)

my 2 cents - Sarah's basically not eating any solids yet. I kept trying, but she gets so grumpy so fast (after not swallowing much if any), that I only try cereal every other day or so.

Thanks for watching the "sleeping" babies yesterday...

Melissa said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and know where your coming from feeding wise. I recommend ready the book "Feeding with love and good sense" by Ellyn Satter. It will really help you with the feeding. Riggs will be fine, like you said he knows how much to eat and he is not going to starve himself. Your little boy already outweights my 1 year old daughter who just hit 18 pounds!!! Have a Merry Christmas!

Kristen said...

Another thing that I have to remind myself is that kids go through growth spurts. There are times when my daughter will eat and eat and eat, and other times we go through a week or two or three where she barely eats a thing. As long as you are offering food, that's all that's important. :) He WILL eat when he's hungry! (And when he's a teenager, you'll wonder why you ever worried...)

Penny said...

No one reading your blog thinks you are crazy when you're concerned for your baby. I would be a paranoid nut if I were in your shoes. Not saying you are, or that I think there's a need to worry. I think he's fine and healthy judging by his pictures and size. I'm just saying it's understandable for you to worry. You keep trying to let go of it and God knows your heart better than you do. Keep the faith. The hardest thing to give God control of is your child. That goes for any mom. We all struggle in this area. I have a 21 year old and I catch myself worrying about her a lot! God has delivered her from drug overdoses and suicidal thoughts. I should be able to trust him with her completely, but it's hard to let go of that nagging fear. She went to work in a bar to support her 10 month old, so I'm constantly reminded how easy it would be in that environment to slip back into her old life. I continue to believe that God is going to save her (especially spiritually). I've heard that we trust him so easily with our eternity, but fail miserably trusting him with the here and now. That is crazy, but human. You're the best mom and I pray God helps you conquer that fear once and for all. Merry Christmas and God bless.
My daughter just walked by and saw the first picture of Rigg on your Sat. post. She said OMGosh, he is adorable! He is! =)

Maryellen said...

Cari:
Your anxiety and fear are all normal. After what you experienced. But you are fighting it, you are going to gain VICTORY over it. Don't give up, but don't beat yourself up either.
Press on God is there . . .

Lee Anne said...

My heart aches for you. You really do have tremendous faith and please don't sell yourself short on that! You are doing an amazing job with Rigg and are an inspiration to others. I think all mothers worry about their babies eating habits. And given your past experience it's totally normal to feel the way you do. Even though logically you know the two aren't related you even pointed out...it's something you can attempt to control. You are human.

One thing I will say is when they aren't feeling well they will eat less. I had one of the nurses at my pedi's office tell me something one day when I called in with something and I always try to keep it in perspective. Just think about when you are sick and not feeling well, you usually don't feel like eating either. They are the same way! Hang in there girl, you are doing an amazing job!

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari,
You seriously get the "best Mom in the world" prize. I don't even know what to say really. I would feel completely the same way you do after what you and Captain have been through this past year. When I lay Josie down at night, I pray hard... on my way up to my room. Every night I pray protection over my kids. Sometimes when I have PMS, I stroke their hair, cry and worry. :) Talk about ridiculous! Your love for Rigg is wide and deep. I'll keep praying for you that you cut yourself some slack on the "worry" meter. God is pleased with you. You are good stuff girlfriend! MERRY CHRISTMAS! lv, jen

brittany said...

As I was reading this particular blog post listening to Audrey's beautiful song, I thought this is for carry. Not only did you carry your angel Caden, but the Lord is carrying you. He's not going to let you down. He has victory!

And also, as reassurance in his eating habits, read the post you wrote right before this! :)

What a cute Rigg!