drastic changes

I cut 7!!! inches off of my hair!

7!

7!

What do you think? (If you do not like it, kindly keep comments to yourself, thank you.)

the sorting

Last Thursday I sorted through Caden's clothes. I had many more boxes than I first anticipated. I think the final count was 9...9! Who knew? I guess a girl loves her clothes at any age. My friend Heather came over with her little girl. She was a tremendous help. We had everything sorted in just over an hour and a half.
One very touching story from it all (besides the fact that Heather brought Starbucks!) was how I was comforted by a 18 month old. I was sitting on the floor, crying pretty hard, clutching my beautiful baby girl's clothes and just remembering how she looked in them and how she smelled, when I look up and hear a little voice say " uh oh." Heather's little girl then walked over to me and put her baby finger on my check to point out my tears. She then gave me a hug and patted my back. After the hug, I was given a kiss. She then backed away and smiled at me, as if to say...there, all better. It was so precious and innocent, I think I might have cried harder. What a beautiful baby girl, and a memory I will cherish from that very hard day.

I found that I have a whole tub of things I can use for Baby Boy, so that was exciting. I also sorted things for a quilt I am having made. I put in all the clothes that I have a picture of Caden in, with the exception of a few items I kept as whole outfits, like the one she came home from the hospital in and her Easter outfit. These I put in a small white toy chest my Mother bought for us. I have filled it with Caden memorabilia and special keepsakes. This is also the place where the terribly beautiful hand mold and prints are now. (remember the ones that came with no warning?)
I feel a huge sense of relief getting these tasks done. I now feel like Caden is well taken care of and I no longer have to shuffle baby girl and boy stuff around the house finding a place for it all. Soon we will be getting Baby Boys room in order. I will post pics....I promise. I have already dragged Andy out to a few antique places looking for just the right decorations...(he actually likes the antique places, so don't feel too bad for him!)

life update

I must beg your forgiveness, Internet. I have been absent far too long to have any decent excuse that would be believable. So, I shall hang my head in shame and humbly say...I am sorry.

So without further ado, to those who have yet to hear the news. We are having a BOY!
Baby Boy Chastain (we do have a name we like, and if you see me in person, I will share, but because we have SO much time left until he is born, I will not announce it to cyberspace as of yet!) is doing well. He looks perfect, has 2 kidneys! and was very proud to show his mommy and daddy his boy parts in the ultrasound! I have been scheming on the nursery since we found out. Updates on that front when we get things in order.

How do I feel about a boy, you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest (which I always strive to do with you) I am not sure. I have no idea how to be excited for a boy. I have no frame of reference for a boy or little boy things. I am getting more and more excited about it. The full measure of my love and excitement probably will not be fully attained until I have him in my hot little hands and can peer into his precious little face. I am looking forward to that day. I know I already love him, not yet as much as my baby girl, but I do not yet know this young man the way I knew her. It will come, I know it will.

As for not having a girl...if I am honest with myself (again, which I always try to be, if not for your sake, at least for my own sanity.) I am not yet ready to give up the pink. I long for the girly things that I can no longer have. My heart aches for a baby girl...but not just any girl, my baby girl. I miss her so much it hurts.

There is freedom in God choosing for us. I know his choice is what is best for Andy and I and I am resting in His decision in a son for us. So even though I do not know, I know God does. This is enough for me.

Caden's death certificate came last week. I was the completely unsuspecting person gathering the mail. When I saw it, I cried. Hard. Cause of death had a lot of big medical words all strung together with the meaning of they do not know. So we still have no hard and fast answer. A seizure killed my daughter...but they do not know what caused it or why. This is a hard pill to swallow, sometimes we just want answers...this time we are left with so many questions.

God knows.

Later this week a friend of mine is coming over and we are going through Caden's clothes. I am picking out my favorites and having a quilt made. I know this will be hard, but it needs to be done. I have put off a lot of these tasks because I wanted to give myself some time. Now is the time. I do not want to wait until I have a baby to go through my 1st baby's things. I feel strongly that I need to get this done 1st, before I get ready for a baby boy. I am so thankful to my friend for her time and help with this. I do not think I could do it on my own, nor do I even want to try. This shouldn't be something any mother ever has to do. When you sort through clothes it should be because your child grew out of them, not because the clothes are one of the only tangible memories you have left. Thursday will be a hard day.

Thanks to everyone who left such sweet messages on my last post. I praise God for blessing us with friends and family who love and care for us so much. You are a blessing to us. So, Thank you.

I hope to have some pics of Baby Boy scanned in soon. Then you can all rejoice with us!
Until then...

in honor of my daughter

In honor of my daughter, Caden Joelle Chastain, who would have been one today, Andy and I would like you to remember her with us. Our dear friend, Richard, spent some time making a beautiful video of her for us. Please watch it. As you do, remember. Remember what God has done. Remember His mighty works through her life and death. Remember the words Andy and I have said.
Remember Caden. The light of our lives and joy of our hearts.

(Please remember to pause the music at the bottom of the page to hear the music on the video.)





Wasn't she beautiful?

Requests

This week has been a bit harder than I first anticipated. And to be completely honest, which I always strive to do, I thought it was going to be pretty hard. The tears are just beneath the surface if someone asks about Caden's birthday and/or how we are doing. I have had people ask what we are going to do...our answer...nothing. Andy and I just think that doing something would be too painful. So, we will try to act as if Saturday were any other Saturday. When, in all reality, it is our daughters would-be 1st birthday and, sadly, we and all of our friends and family are not getting together to celebrate and watch her eat a cupcake and laugh while the icing gets everywhere. You see, I have had the scenario planned out in my head for sometime. She was going to be beautiful and full of laughter.

And though she was those things while she was here, I have to remind myself, she was never meant to see her 1st birthday. God had other plans. For Caden. For Andy and me. For our families. We Know God is using our lives, as well as Caden's life and death in mighty ways. Yet, this week is hard. We miss our baby girl. Passing milestones without celebrating is heart wrenching. And, yet, we know God is good.

In the mist of my suffering, God has brought be a life to celebrate. Not instead of, but in addition to. My dear friend Stacey and her husband are expecting their 2nd child this week. Does anyone else see Gods hand? :) Did I mention it was a baby girl?


I ask 2 things of you this week. Please remember us in your prayers, specifically for this week and Saturday.
And for Stacey, as we all anxiously await the birth of a precious baby girl who, the Author of Life decided long ago, was meant for such a time as this.

laughing and crying

So lately I have gotten some much loved time with some much loved friends....this phrase's meaning is 2 fold.

1st. I have been able to spend time (whole days in fact) with some very close friends. Last Tuesday was my birthday. I love birthdays. Andy says one day that will change, but seeing as I am as old as I am, and still love 'em....I do not see how he can be right. However, this is coming from a man who tells people how much he detests birthdays and scowls at anyone who well-wishes him on his "big day". So on my birthday I had a good time...went to lunch at the coveted Chick fil-a and was, I kid you not, sung to by the lovely persons who work there. As I was smiling, turning red, and trying not to slide under the table...I was hoping that the whole of the restaurant besides the impromptu "birthday party" was thinking the birthday girl was the one year old sitting by my side. (fingers crossed) here's hopin'. Incidentally I have come to the point in my life where I think I had just as many party guests under 5 as I did over....ahh the glamorous life, so this is what it is like!!!
I have also been able to spend time with close friends one on one...or two. It has been very nice and almost like therapy. Andy knows I love him...but some days there is nothing like a good girlfriend to make you feel better.

2nd explanation to my 2 fold statement (and I make this next statement under the assumption that you will not judge me....again fingers crossed) Andy bought me the 1st season of Friends, the TV show, for my birthday...so I then went and spent some birthday $$ on the next 2 seasons. That is right Internet...I have been sitting on my kiester watching episode after episode of a closet obsession of mine for the last week...and laughing out loud to myself ( I am not afraid to admit that after such bursts of laughter, I do try to repeat, out loud, what was so funny only to realize that I am by myself. If you know me at all, you know I am a repeater and do this frequently in the presence of people, and now apparently, in the presence of only myself.) I am OK with this.

I have a Dr. Apt. on Thursday. Andy and I will get to hear the baby's heartbeat and then schedule a time for an ultrsound. We are the kind of people who wanna know what we are having...so hopefully in the next couple of weeks we will know if it is a baby girl, or a baby boy. Any vibes out there? Andy and I have ours...but we would love to see what you are thinking, feeling, hoping for...let us know!

I feel like lately I have nothing to give these posts...this has been the reason for my lapse into nothingness. Either I have nothing, or am just emotionally spent. Sometimes the line between the two blurs. A week from today would have been Caden's 1st birthday. She missed it by 4months and 2 days. It feels like so much longer...or just yesterday. But most days it feels like both all at the same time. I laugh more than I cry these days. And for that I praise God. I do feel like Saturday will be hard. Please pray for Andy and me this week. As well as our families. We miss our baby girl. So much it hurts. I have been remembering her a lot this week. So along with a prayer request, I will leave you with a small video. Just in case I do not have the strength to post something more later this week in honor of my daughter.
Thank you for your prayers and love for us.

(remember to go to the bottom of the screen and pause the music so you can hear the video.)

The truth of it all

Some days, like with everyone, are worse than others. For Andy and myself, bad days are usually pretty bad...at least worse than what we would have considered bad days before the loss of our daughter. Now I have a slightly altered perspective than my previous one. I battle with tears everyday. And yet, I laugh every day as well. I know one of Gods gifts to Andy and I was the freedom to laugh, really laugh; Big belly, hurt-your-side kind of laughs, so soon after Cadens death. It is a weird feeling to be having such a good time and suddenly your laughter changes to tears. I remember a time when I was with some of my closest girlfriends and we were talking about our kids and bathroom stories. I was laughing so hard. I shared a story about Caden taking a poop in the bathtub once, and I couldn't finish the story before my laughter turned to ugly tears.

What I wouldn't give to clean her poop out of my bathtub...just once more.

On the days where my emotions seem to run off and leave reason behind, I try to remind myself of the difference between feelings and truth. Emotions are good. God gave us emotions for all kids of reasons. But I know that what I feel is always subject to change depending upon my surroundings and mood. Truth; the things of God; is eternal and does not change.

Ever.

When I am questioning God, or not understanding His orchestrating of events. I force myself to go back to what I know to be true. He is faithful, He is sovereign; He is Holy...I am the created. He is the creator. This is His world, not mine. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Lean not on my own understanding. That only leaves 2 options. I can lean on somebody else's understanding, or Gods.

I choose Gods.

Jesus also says in John 16:33 "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." This is what I am leaning on, His overcoming of the world. Already done. One day, I too will reap those benefits. Heaven awaits with my little girl. Romans 8:37 ~ " We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

These are some of the reminders of Gods truth when I am feeling lost. My feelings are not unchanging like God. He is my Rock, my Refuge. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) Even handle the death of my daughter with grace and give praise to the Author of Life. This is how faith works. Trusting what I know to be true, over how I feel in this fallen world.

I am still praying over 1 Peter 5:10. Knowing God is a God who keeps His promises. He will restore both Andy and me. Until that day...

"For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day." 2 Timothy 1:12

There will be a day

Christmas is past. Well, at least the 2008 version. Christmas was nice. We had good times with all the fam. A friend came in from Canada, others from New York and Dallas, one cousin almost passing out in pain from what we think might be a gallbladder thingy, a new cousin (Baylor Wayne Cobb, 6 lbs. 8 oz. 19 in.) and I got to scrub vomit out of my Aunts carpet. (not the best job for a pregnant lady with an over-active gag reflex!) So all in all a pretty well rounded holiday.

It is an interesting thing. When you are bracing yourself for a tough day, it is usually the ones that follow that are the hardest. Today was a good day, but I cried a lot. I spent some time with 2 of my best friends. I was able to go with one to Cadens grave. It is still so hard to go and see my baby girls name etched in stone followed by all the days she lived here on this earth. We hugged and cried. I am blessed beyond measure with the friends God has given Andy and I.
It is one thing when people say they are sorry, it is another when they cry and feel the pain with you. I know all of my tears the Lord keeps. (Psalm 56:8) Mine as well as yours. But one day there will be no more tears. I love the Jeremy Camp song There will be a Day. I cry when I hear it on the radio. Because I love it so much, I have posted the lyrics at the bottom. ( ok so I added it to my playlist too...)

Speaking of tears, Andy has informed me that if I continue to cry during worship at church (which I do not see stopping anytime soon) that I should sit in the back as to not make a scene. This was said with a smile and a bit of sarcasm, but I think he meant it too :) I did have a friend say she could no longer sit behind me because she couldn't make it through worship without crying. Maybe next week, I will take a seat in back for the sake of those around me :)

As this year draws to a close, I am forced to reflect on all the Lord has taught me these past 365 days. This year has contained more joy and more sadness than I can even comprehend. I became a mother this past year. I learned what it was to love without getting in return. I have felt pain beyond what I have experienced before. I have leaned on God more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life. I have not found Him wanting. He is all He has ever claimed to be. My list could go on and on.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long You feel your walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

A Little of this...

Today I woke up and cried. For some reason I couldn't stop. I went in and sat in my baby girls empty room and wept. Some days, like today, the hurt is more than I can deal with. It is like a big awkward box I carry around that I have no place for. Too big for this place, too heavy to sit on that, so I continue to stand there, not knowing what to do with it. So I hold it. And cry.

The past few days have been really good ones, for no other reason then I have spent them with good friends and have had good conversations. I suppose when you have a long string of good days, a hard one tends to loom on the horizon. I do think the crying might be past me today...Andy informed me I simply could not apply my make-up properly if I continued crying.

He was right.

So, for the sake of all those poor souls who have to view my face later today, I stopped the tears and finished the job credibly, if I do say so myself.

This past Thursday I had a Dr.'s apt. I was able to hear the heartbeat of baby Chastain for the 1st time. It was wonderful. 171 beats per min. I have a recording of the beautiful sound. Andy was unable to come, so I took a tape recorder so he could hear it. If you see me and want to hear it, I carry it around in my purse...so you can hear it too!

2 Fridays ago, I spent the afternoon with 3 people I love. we spent the entire afternoon baking and decorating cookies. Stacey came down with her beautiful son, Mindy came over with hers, and Barb gave us her kitchen to destroy. I will leave you some pictures of the fun.

I just want to say thank you to all of you who continue to hold us up to our heavenly Father in prayer. This Christmas is going to be very difficult for us. We know many of you are prayer warriors for our sake. I cannot express in words how grateful I am for you...I thank God every day for you.

Almost Famous

So last night was a blast.

I went with my friend Jen to see Selah in concert.

As most of you might know I have a healthy obsession with the singing group...I have a couple of their songs attached to this blog, as well as sing many more at the top of my lungs when they are played on the radio or throughout my house...I might do it at your house if I am ever there and you are playing them on the radio as well.

Anyhooo...it was AWESOME. They can sing people!!! Oh can they sing. I laughed, I cried, I worshiped...I wanted it to go on for ages and forever. But alas. It had to end.

So another fun thing....I got to meet 'em! Yup. shake hands and talk to them and everything. I really wanted to talk to Todd Smith because his wife writes the blog I stalk (this one) and I wanted to tell him how much of an encouragement she has been to me after Caden died. Well I got to talk to him and I told him how much I love his wife and about my sweet Caden. He was very nice. As I was talking I felt every part of the blubbering idiot I was, I just know I wanted to tell him all these things, because his family and his wife have meant so much to me. Only when I left did I remember that not one time did I mention how much I love his music!!! Can you believe I left that out!!!! I mean, HELLO. The man just spent the better part of two hours singing his heart out and all I say is " Hi, I lost my daughter too...I LOVE YOUR WIFE AND HER BLOG!!" ( or something to this effect) and didn't even mention that I am slightly obsessed with the wonderful group he sings in!!!!

IDIOT!

Anyway. I did get a pic with the group. You will kindly notice that I am behind the signing table WITH them, as if I am part of the group...that's right folks, just hanging with the band!

Enjoy the pic. (thanks, Mark, for having your camera phone ready!)