Monday, February 16, 2009

life update

I must beg your forgiveness, Internet. I have been absent far too long to have any decent excuse that would be believable. So, I shall hang my head in shame and humbly say...I am sorry.

So without further ado, to those who have yet to hear the news. We are having a BOY!
Baby Boy Chastain (we do have a name we like, and if you see me in person, I will share, but because we have SO much time left until he is born, I will not announce it to cyberspace as of yet!) is doing well. He looks perfect, has 2 kidneys! and was very proud to show his mommy and daddy his boy parts in the ultrasound! I have been scheming on the nursery since we found out. Updates on that front when we get things in order.

How do I feel about a boy, you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest (which I always strive to do with you) I am not sure. I have no idea how to be excited for a boy. I have no frame of reference for a boy or little boy things. I am getting more and more excited about it. The full measure of my love and excitement probably will not be fully attained until I have him in my hot little hands and can peer into his precious little face. I am looking forward to that day. I know I already love him, not yet as much as my baby girl, but I do not yet know this young man the way I knew her. It will come, I know it will.

As for not having a girl...if I am honest with myself (again, which I always try to be, if not for your sake, at least for my own sanity.) I am not yet ready to give up the pink. I long for the girly things that I can no longer have. My heart aches for a baby girl...but not just any girl, my baby girl. I miss her so much it hurts.

There is freedom in God choosing for us. I know his choice is what is best for Andy and I and I am resting in His decision in a son for us. So even though I do not know, I know God does. This is enough for me.

Caden's death certificate came last week. I was the completely unsuspecting person gathering the mail. When I saw it, I cried. Hard. Cause of death had a lot of big medical words all strung together with the meaning of they do not know. So we still have no hard and fast answer. A seizure killed my daughter...but they do not know what caused it or why. This is a hard pill to swallow, sometimes we just want answers...this time we are left with so many questions.

God knows.

Later this week a friend of mine is coming over and we are going through Caden's clothes. I am picking out my favorites and having a quilt made. I know this will be hard, but it needs to be done. I have put off a lot of these tasks because I wanted to give myself some time. Now is the time. I do not want to wait until I have a baby to go through my 1st baby's things. I feel strongly that I need to get this done 1st, before I get ready for a baby boy. I am so thankful to my friend for her time and help with this. I do not think I could do it on my own, nor do I even want to try. This shouldn't be something any mother ever has to do. When you sort through clothes it should be because your child grew out of them, not because the clothes are one of the only tangible memories you have left. Thursday will be a hard day.

Thanks to everyone who left such sweet messages on my last post. I praise God for blessing us with friends and family who love and care for us so much. You are a blessing to us. So, Thank you.

I hope to have some pics of Baby Boy scanned in soon. Then you can all rejoice with us!
Until then...


Elizabeth said...

I wish I could be there with you to go through the clothes....but then you probably wouldn't get anything done since I would cling to everything (I know you know I'm not joking). Sweet baby girl. She gets to keep the pink :) Baby boy can't take that away.

Erin said...

I don't know that I have ever commented before, we don't know each other. I just wanted to say congratulations on a little boy! I pray the Lord will grant you peace throughout this time of heartache over your loss of your beautiful daughter and joy for your gain of a little guy. I have a little guy of my own and boys are great! I felt just like you, not sure what to do with boys and not sure how I felt. The minute you have him you will be so happy! Little boys are so fun! Congrats again! I will continue praying for your family!

Jacie said...

Hi. Just a quick message:
I'm so excited you are having a boy. I had a feeling it was a boy at Panera! Boys are as fun as little girls...they are just different fun!
Good luck with the clothes-sorthing. I think making a quilt is a great idea. It will be very special.

Lindsey said...

Praying for you today, Cari.