Some days, like with everyone, are worse than others. For Andy and myself, bad days are usually pretty bad...at least worse than what we would have considered bad days before the loss of our daughter. Now I have a slightly altered perspective than my previous one. I battle with tears everyday. And yet, I laugh every day as well. I know one of Gods gifts to Andy and I was the freedom to laugh, really laugh; Big belly, hurt-your-side kind of laughs, so soon after Cadens death. It is a weird feeling to be having such a good time and suddenly your laughter changes to tears. I remember a time when I was with some of my closest girlfriends and we were talking about our kids and bathroom stories. I was laughing so hard. I shared a story about Caden taking a poop in the bathtub once, and I couldn't finish the story before my laughter turned to ugly tears.
What I wouldn't give to clean her poop out of my bathtub...just once more.
On the days where my emotions seem to run off and leave reason behind, I try to remind myself of the difference between feelings and truth. Emotions are good. God gave us emotions for all kids of reasons. But I know that what I feel is always subject to change depending upon my surroundings and mood. Truth; the things of God; is eternal and does not change.
When I am questioning God, or not understanding His orchestrating of events. I force myself to go back to what I know to be true. He is faithful, He is sovereign; He is Holy...I am the created. He is the creator. This is His world, not mine. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Lean not on my own understanding. That only leaves 2 options. I can lean on somebody else's understanding, or Gods.
I choose Gods.
Jesus also says in John 16:33 "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." This is what I am leaning on, His overcoming of the world. Already done. One day, I too will reap those benefits. Heaven awaits with my little girl. Romans 8:37 ~ " We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."
These are some of the reminders of Gods truth when I am feeling lost. My feelings are not unchanging like God. He is my Rock, my Refuge. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) Even handle the death of my daughter with grace and give praise to the Author of Life. This is how faith works. Trusting what I know to be true, over how I feel in this fallen world.
I am still praying over 1 Peter 5:10. Knowing God is a God who keeps His promises. He will restore both Andy and me. Until that day...
"For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day." 2 Timothy 1:12