Friday, January 2, 2009

The truth of it all

Some days, like with everyone, are worse than others. For Andy and myself, bad days are usually pretty least worse than what we would have considered bad days before the loss of our daughter. Now I have a slightly altered perspective than my previous one. I battle with tears everyday. And yet, I laugh every day as well. I know one of Gods gifts to Andy and I was the freedom to laugh, really laugh; Big belly, hurt-your-side kind of laughs, so soon after Cadens death. It is a weird feeling to be having such a good time and suddenly your laughter changes to tears. I remember a time when I was with some of my closest girlfriends and we were talking about our kids and bathroom stories. I was laughing so hard. I shared a story about Caden taking a poop in the bathtub once, and I couldn't finish the story before my laughter turned to ugly tears.

What I wouldn't give to clean her poop out of my bathtub...just once more.

On the days where my emotions seem to run off and leave reason behind, I try to remind myself of the difference between feelings and truth. Emotions are good. God gave us emotions for all kids of reasons. But I know that what I feel is always subject to change depending upon my surroundings and mood. Truth; the things of God; is eternal and does not change.


When I am questioning God, or not understanding His orchestrating of events. I force myself to go back to what I know to be true. He is faithful, He is sovereign; He is Holy...I am the created. He is the creator. This is His world, not mine. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Lean not on my own understanding. That only leaves 2 options. I can lean on somebody else's understanding, or Gods.

I choose Gods.

Jesus also says in John 16:33 "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." This is what I am leaning on, His overcoming of the world. Already done. One day, I too will reap those benefits. Heaven awaits with my little girl. Romans 8:37 ~ " We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

These are some of the reminders of Gods truth when I am feeling lost. My feelings are not unchanging like God. He is my Rock, my Refuge. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) Even handle the death of my daughter with grace and give praise to the Author of Life. This is how faith works. Trusting what I know to be true, over how I feel in this fallen world.

I am still praying over 1 Peter 5:10. Knowing God is a God who keeps His promises. He will restore both Andy and me. Until that day...

"For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day." 2 Timothy 1:12


Jacie said...

I seriously think you've learned more about life in the past few months than most people learn in 80 years.
I pray for you every day. You are so great! :)

Karee said...

Cari, I can rarely make it through one of your posts without getting really misty. :) My husband and I had to smile at your poop in the tub story - we've had similar experiences with our little boy! :)

I am so challenged by your words and by the way God is molding your life through the pain. I continue to pray for you. You are a beautiful woman of God.

Angie G. said...

Cari, this message is beautiful. Your relationship with God is so honest. The words you wrote and the scripture you quoted is beautiful...sorry, no other word for it. I missed you last week - looking forward to seeing you on Wed.

Heidi Stone said...

I've read this post over several times in the past few days. I keep trying to come up with something to say that would be encouraging to you, but nothing has come to mind.

I just want you to know that I value your friendship and your honesty.

And speaking of friendship and honesty, have you told everyone that you totally STOLE my Chick-Fil-A birthday party idea? I mean, granted, I invited THE WHOLE CITY when I had mine, so surely everybody already knows that it was MY idea, but regardless! You're totally a thief!

End rant.

P.S. I'm looking forward to my chicken on Tuesday. :)

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

I'm back in town - gone to Missouri for a week and a half. I have kind of been just staying home a lot lately. I love so many of the verses you used in this post especially John 16:33. I don't always say it, but I am still constantly praying for you and Andy!

Heidi Stone said...

Cari, I miss your blogs. Come back to the blogging world!