Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A reminder to myself

It's Wednesday? Already?
Lately all my days run together. When I first quit my job to stay at home with Caden, someone once asked me what it was like to stay home. My reply stands true still. I answered that my life was like the movie Groundhog Day. Each day is very much the same and drastically different all at the same time...I just hope I am more of a Annie McDowell and not a Bill Murry...

I was talking with a friend last night about prayer. How when you are more specific when you pray, you are more like likely to see God work. I then proceeded to run through the prayers God has answered for me over the past year...there are too many to list here, but I will share one.

Lately I have been having good day after really good day...
What is the problem you ask? A touch of guilt. For not missing her more.
What God wants for me?
I know as the days turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into years bits of my memory of her will continue to fade, the searing pain will continue to fade, the ache of loss will continue to subside. I just never expected it so soon...because it seems like just yesterday she was here...and yet if I close my eyes it is hard to see her face. I remember pictures I have taken...not her...just pictures of her. That hurts to realize. But it hurts just as much to realize I am separated far enough from her, from her loss...that I am truly doing OK.
It is a prayer that has been answered.
It is a promise that is being kept... (in 1 Peter 5:10 God says he will strengthen me, and he is...)
So why am I guilty/upset that God is working? That He is answering prayer? That He is keeping His promise?

It is just feels like one more thread in the rope being cut...a rope that holds my memory of her together seems to be rapidly fraying.
I am scared that the only memory I will have of her is from pictures,video, and stories...that I will not be able to conjure her, just her up in my mind...I am not sure this even makes any since. Being more at peace without her should make me happy...being able to get through weeks at a time without crying should be a great thing...yet I still feel badly about it.

So, am I really having good days if I am sad about being happy? Who knows, the more I type, the more messed up it seems. All I know is I feel this way, whether it makes any since at all or not. I know God is answering my prayers...I know He is keeping His promise. I know this is how it is going to continue...I suppose I just have to come to grips with it.

Peace about living life without her is OK...
Having Joy on a daily basis is good.
Faith in His word and His will is a gift.

Feeling guilt and shame is believing a lie...
So I need to choose to accept His Peace, Joy and all His gifts and promises.

She is gone, but not dead. She lives in Heaven with Christ...where I will be one day too...with Christ, with her.

And as a reminder to myself... I will feed and change babies...I will coo and talk baby talk. I will clap and rejoice when a little one does soemthing for the first time. I will wash dishes and do laundry...I will wear the same shirt for days on end...I will think of her and smile. I will tell her brother about her. I will share all of my children with those who ask. I will be a mother of 2, no matter how many I take care of here on this earth, and I will smile about it.


Monday, September 28, 2009

A wandering interrupted

I was sitting on the couch holding my son.
He was supposed to be napping but, instead, was wide wake.
He was smiling at me, giving me the best lopsided grin ever. Which in turn made me happy I was holding him and we were sharing a moment. He was warm and snugly, soft and wonderful.
I thanked God for a son, who looks so much like his sister and yet at the same very different.
As I sat holding Rigg my mind wandered to the goings on this past year. How crazy it seemed at hard and gut wrenching. How wonderful and amazing.
I remember so much and yet so little. I love hearing stories from people. About my daugher, about Andy and the time surrounding the of which are so clear...other parts are blank and it is like hearing a story of someone else's life.
Rigg started hiccuping like a drunk man, bringing me back into the present. Oh, I do love that grin...and those eyes...
So like Caden' was a year ago yesterday that we buried her. We sang a song in worship yesterday that we sang during her "life celebration" service. Blessed be your name.

He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.

I thought how right at that moment my life was a perfect example of His giving and taking away...Caden and Rigg.

Blessed be Your name.

I have been struck lately how my story is just one of millions. I sit at the computer and get lost blog-hopping. Blog after blog I find of mothers just like me who have lost a child...who are grieving...who are lost, who need an outlet, so they write. So many of them are believers. I am awestruck at their honesty and their faith...Christ is working. We should never have to live without our children, but we live in a fallen, sinful many stories. All so different, all so very similar. Who am I to think I am different, or in any way an much hurt out there...
And yet as I looked back down at my son, so much to rejoice over. His perfect face...well, except for that weird scaly eyebrow...but perfect none the less...
Just at that moment Rigg's face got red, he straighted out his little body and let out a nice loud fart...

oh well, just goes to show, you try and have a peaceful moment around a gassy guy and it always gets interrupted...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

A little bit of boring...

Where have you been!?!? , you ask politely...
I took a few days off. I was busy being lazy, or busy being with family, or busy being with me. All options mean I was just too busy to blog...or , well, too distracted at any rate.

I have had a good week. I think Tuesday was so smooth because of all the prayers sent up for me and my family. I cannot thank all of you enough for praying. I was telling a friend last night how you might anticipate a day as being difficult, and because others do too...they pray, they send gifts, emails, texts, and because of it I usually have a good day. I just love when all the people I know let me know they are thinking of my baby girl. It warms my heart.

So Tuesday, me and Rigg got a late start. We got dressed and drove to Grandma B's house. She watched him while I went to the cemetery. It was of course muddy and it always is when I go. I read a few passages of scripture. I prayed. I thought about staying longer...but I really had to go to the bathroom. So I left. It just goes to show even though sometimes our spirit longs to do one thing...our flesh pulls us in another direction...and it was pulling me quite strongly I assure you.
While I was away, G-ma B took this delightful picture of my little man...scrumptious!

You might notice he is wrapped in a very PINK blanket...well when I was expecting Caden, I bought this lovely, warm, soft, pink blankie for G-ma B to keep at her house and wrap my sweet Caden in to snuggle her when she came over for visits...I had "Caden loves G-ma B" embroidered on it for her. So now she snuggles Rigg in Caden's a soft warm hug from his big sis...

~enter pathetic transition now~
So I would like to send out a very lame, very belated thank all who have sent gifts, cards, and other wonderful things for us, and for Rigg since his birth. I have a lovely, HUGE, stack of thank you's...that are still blank, and I fear they will remain so for awhile longer...

One thing you should know about me...I am terrible at sending thank you's. TERRIBLE! It is a wonder people keep sending me things...I have the best of intentions. I write the prettiest, most thoughtful, personal thank you's in my head...yet they never get to paper, or mailed...Oh, how I wish I was different....

So here are some beautiful flowers and cards (including thoughts and prayers) that people have sent the past few days...
The blurred roses are intentional...I kinda thought the blurred,abstractness was pretty... And because I know you are just itching to find out what I have been up to the past few days...

Picking up oodles and oodles of toys because...
the Baylor Boy is up and moving...taking the toys along for the ride...

Mountains of laundry...MOUNTAINS!!!!

Dressing the boys like twins...because I can.

taking pics of little bits sweet face

while he watches baseball with his daddy...they have also been taking in a wide variety of football games...GO COLTS!!

So as you can see...everyday life has happened upon us. It is just a little boring to the outsider, nothing exciting or worthy of story telling ...And I couldn't be more thrilled.

Monday, September 21, 2009

was and is

She was born on January 24th 2008
She was warm and cuddly
She was our first
She was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes
She was a smiler
She was a good sleeper
She was a morning baby
She was a lover, not a cryer
She was the joy of her mama
She was the heart of her daddy
She was playful
She was in love with her own voice
She was loud
She was beautiful
She was loved
She was taken from us on September 22nd 2008
She was gone before we could register
She was our gift from God to care for and carry for awhile
She was then carried off by angels to be with Him
She was wonderful
She is wonderful
She is beautiful
She is laughing and smiling
She is worshiping
She was
She is
all because
He was and is and is to come
Revelation 4:8
Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying:

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

It will be a year tomorrow. The longest, hardest, most terrible, most amazing year of my life. I cannot believe it has been that long. In some ways it seems like yesterday she was here. But most days it is hard to remember her face, her voice, her smile...then it seems like it has been many, many more years than just the one. I know as each year rolls around I will think about that terrible afternoon, but hopefully I will also remember what God has done. The people He has touched and taught through my baby girls brief life. The things He has taught me and the Words I now cling to and hide in my heart. The Hope that manifests itself daily in my actions and thoughts. Each year will be both wonderful and horrible without her. Each year will hold more laughter and tears...without her. Each year may seem like an eternity without her. But we know that is not so. The years here are but dust in the wind, grass that withers on a sunny day, smoke from a fire...Here for just a short time and then gone. And when eternity does come, we will not be without her. We will be with her more completely and more fully then we ever could have been here. Until Gods purpose for my life is done. I will watch and wait for Him to take me home, to be with be with her.
She was my daughter.
She is my daughter.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

3 months old today

Who is?

You are silly boy!

Friday, September 18, 2009



That's how I feel. The feeling stretches multiple ways. About my filthy house, my lingering excess fat, taking care of babies, missing my baby...I could possibly get more detailed but...

Philippians 2:14
Do everything without complaining or arguing,

I am failing...

I have much to keep me busy, but I sit and do nothing. My mind churning and thinking of sad things or nothing. The TV or a book keeps my mind off of her.


I miss her.

I told her brother all about her yesterday. How much he would have loved her...or been annoyed by her. How much she loved to hear herself talk, how she loved being with she probably would have hovered over him smothering him with kisses. How she would proclaim "baby" over and over and try to shove his paci in his mouth all the we would have to watch her.

I stood in Rigg's room on Monday. Only it was Caden's room. All his stuff disappeared for a minute and hers was there. The Caribbean blue walls, the white shag rug...the white flowery vine above her crib...but she was still gone. The void was breathtaking. The pain real. The wound old but fresh all at the same time...I saw her grabbing the blinds while I was trying to change her...playing with her paci's before I got her out of her crib, smiling when she saw my face in the morning...

How I miss her smile.

Her eyes would light up seconds before the smile reached her was charming, endearing...magical.

Rigg does the same thing. It pulls at my mommy's heart.

I see her in him sometimes...

I cannot believe it has been a year. And oh a year it has been. It was huge what God has brought us through, what He has saved us from....what He has taught us. What He is still teaching us. If we chose to listen. Life has happened to us this year. I feel like an old woman sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder who stares back. A fat old woman...what happened to the skinny 19 year old who was carefree?
life happened.
And if I thought long and hard about it, I wouldn't really want to be 19 again. I mean, sure, I would take the body...but the wisdom and knowledge gained since is irreplaceable. Even the pain has brought something that I do not think I could have gained otherwise...perspective. A heavenly one. Hope for the future that wouldn't be quite as intense, faith as an every day companion like never before. The crows feet may be more pronounced, but hopefully so is my reliance on the One who knows and understands the ache...

We have been without her for 361 days. That number will just keep getting higher. But as that number climbs another number counts down the days until we she her again.

I will see her again.

Until that day I will remember her.


Monday, September 14, 2009

Thoughts of a sad mommy

I cannot believe September is here...and flying by. Part of me wants to pause time and not have to live through the next couple of weeks. The other part of me wants to just speed it up so it is over. I know I can do neither. I know as each year rolls around I will probably feel the same. I know God will teach me something through this...I just am not up to listening yet.

I think I have been avoiding my blog...I knew the next time I sat down to write the only thing that would come to mind is my sweet Caden and how it has been a year since she left. Left sounds better than died doesn't it?

This upcoming anniversary will be harder for me than her birthday. September 22nd last year was a horrific day. Andy and I have both said on occasion that no parent should have to go through losing a parent should have seen what we saw.

No parent should have the memories I have from that afternoon.

Satan uses them against me. Most days I am aware, and God strengthens me enough to buffet his advances...some days I am not...and those are bad days indeed.

Last year I cried when the leaves fell in abundance. It was after Caden's funeral. I cried because I never got to show her their majesty. How when you are in the midst of them it is like a snowstorm. Only better because of all the wonderful color. I cried on the morning of the first snow...she would have delighted in the white, sparkly wonderland. Although I have been pregnant the last 2 thanksgiving and Christmases, I have never been able to see the wonder on my child's face at the lights on the tree or hear the squeals of delight at empty boxes...

This year Rigg will save my sorrow.

Thank you for my son, Lord.

What does one do on the anniversary of their child's death? I have no plans. Andy and I might visit her grave together...I might go by myself...take my bible and read a few Psalms. I have tried that before...I never get to the Psalms, I just sit and sob. Sob is the correct word...cry is to kind and polite a word for what I do when I go.

Last time I cold barely catch my breath...probably not a good thing for a ginormously pregnant lady.

I just recently read a quote from D.L. Moody. It says. “Soon you will read in the newspaper that I am dead. Don’t believe it for a moment. I will be more alive than ever before.”

I love to envision that for my beautiful little girl...that she is more alive than ever before. One day I will be with her again, whether that be from my days on this earth coming to an end, or being caught up in the clouds with her on our way to the New Heaven and New Earth...I will see her again.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Lord come quickly.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Lake

A cottage on a 100 acre lake is the best place to go and spend a relaxing Labor Day weekend with your family.
What? You have no such cottage? You know of no such lake?
Well, that is just too bad for you.
I,on the other hand, have such a place to go to...and it is where family wonderfulness takes place.

It is my favorite family hang out spot. My Aunt and Uncle are such nice persons to allow us to trash their place a few times each year. We stay on air mattresses and eat all day. We can fish, sleep, swim, play games or just sit and soak up the lovely that is the lake cottage. kids run around all day getting dirtier and louder
with no TV we swap kids to hold and love on and
lay around on other peoples beds

Nana's and great-grandchildren and all those who fall in between intermingle

Birthdays are celebrated and cake and ice cream eaten with relish

laughter is abundant and welcome

babies learn to lounge lakeside

Captains go fishing

and Nana's hold new miracles with thankfulness.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

BIG Rigg...2 mo. check up

So I am a little behind.

Rigg had his 2 month well baby check up about 2 weeks late. So he was truly 2 and a half months...and this was last Thursday.

So in order to catch you up on all things we go.

He is successfully living up to his name. He is HUGE!!! As of late he is fitting into 6 months clothes. Yup, you read that right...6 MONTHS!!!

He weighed in at just over 14 lbs. 95% in weight.

Measured just over 25 and 1/4 inches. 96% in height.

He is eating about 5 ounces every 3 to 3 and a half hours. He is sleeping well at night, and would probably be sleeping through the night if IU/Riley did not tell me to go no longer than 6 hours with out feeding him. So I get him up at 4 each morning for an early breakfast, then we both go back to sleep.

He is fast becoming a smile maniac...especially in the mornings. He even giggles occasionally.

He tries his hardest to sit up...which is stinkin' funny to watch. He strains his little neck, looks like he is doing crunches. He loves to be held sitting upright. and he is tracking things like a champ.

We just started him on formula. We are mixing it in with breast milk. He is not a big fan...but hunger wins over taste and he finishes it down to the last drop. Never get between a man and his food...

Rigg is such a blessing to our family. The captain and I could not be more thrilled to take care of such a wonder that is our son. We are thankful of the privilege of raising a Godly man, one who loves God and strives to do His will.

In other news, we had a great weekend at the lake, I will post on it later.

So until then...ciao.

As for blog awards...I am so thankful for those who think I deserve one...but I have been notorious for neglecting to follow orders in posting them on my blog...So thank you to all those who have nominated me, and continue to....I just am lazy when it comes to posting them here on my own site, sorry!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

a smile to last you a few days

So we are going away for the weekend. A LONG weekend. 5 days long.

We are going to spend the next 5 days with family...

We are going to spend the next 5 days at the lake.

We are going to spend the next 5 days relaxing

playing games
cooking over a fire
sitting on a porch over looking a lake
soaking up time

I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as I am planning on enjoying mine.

But to last you until we return...

A smile...