Thoughts of a sad mommy

I cannot believe September is here...and flying by. Part of me wants to pause time and not have to live through the next couple of weeks. The other part of me wants to just speed it up so it is over. I know I can do neither. I know as each year rolls around I will probably feel the same. I know God will teach me something through this...I just am not up to listening yet.

I think I have been avoiding my blog...I knew the next time I sat down to write the only thing that would come to mind is my sweet Caden and how it has been a year since she left. Left sounds better than died doesn't it?

This upcoming anniversary will be harder for me than her birthday. September 22nd last year was a horrific day. Andy and I have both said on occasion that no parent should have to go through losing a child...no parent should have seen what we saw.

No parent should have the memories I have from that afternoon.

Satan uses them against me. Most days I am aware, and God strengthens me enough to buffet his advances...some days I am not...and those are bad days indeed.

Last year I cried when the leaves fell in abundance. It was after Caden's funeral. I cried because I never got to show her their majesty. How when you are in the midst of them it is like a snowstorm. Only better because of all the wonderful color. I cried on the morning of the first snow...she would have delighted in the white, sparkly wonderland. Although I have been pregnant the last 2 thanksgiving and Christmases, I have never been able to see the wonder on my child's face at the lights on the tree or hear the squeals of delight at empty boxes...

This year Rigg will save my sorrow.

Thank you for my son, Lord.

What does one do on the anniversary of their child's death? I have no plans. Andy and I might visit her grave together...I might go by myself...take my bible and read a few Psalms. I have tried that before...I never get to the Psalms, I just sit and sob. Sob is the correct word...cry is to kind and polite a word for what I do when I go.

Last time I cold barely catch my breath...probably not a good thing for a ginormously pregnant lady.

I just recently read a quote from D.L. Moody. It says. “Soon you will read in the newspaper that I am dead. Don’t believe it for a moment. I will be more alive than ever before.”

I love to envision that for my beautiful little girl...that she is more alive than ever before. One day I will be with her again, whether that be from my days on this earth coming to an end, or being caught up in the clouds with her on our way to the New Heaven and New Earth...I will see her again.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Lord come quickly.