Monday, September 14, 2009

Thoughts of a sad mommy

I cannot believe September is here...and flying by. Part of me wants to pause time and not have to live through the next couple of weeks. The other part of me wants to just speed it up so it is over. I know I can do neither. I know as each year rolls around I will probably feel the same. I know God will teach me something through this...I just am not up to listening yet.

I think I have been avoiding my blog...I knew the next time I sat down to write the only thing that would come to mind is my sweet Caden and how it has been a year since she left. Left sounds better than died doesn't it?

This upcoming anniversary will be harder for me than her birthday. September 22nd last year was a horrific day. Andy and I have both said on occasion that no parent should have to go through losing a parent should have seen what we saw.

No parent should have the memories I have from that afternoon.

Satan uses them against me. Most days I am aware, and God strengthens me enough to buffet his advances...some days I am not...and those are bad days indeed.

Last year I cried when the leaves fell in abundance. It was after Caden's funeral. I cried because I never got to show her their majesty. How when you are in the midst of them it is like a snowstorm. Only better because of all the wonderful color. I cried on the morning of the first snow...she would have delighted in the white, sparkly wonderland. Although I have been pregnant the last 2 thanksgiving and Christmases, I have never been able to see the wonder on my child's face at the lights on the tree or hear the squeals of delight at empty boxes...

This year Rigg will save my sorrow.

Thank you for my son, Lord.

What does one do on the anniversary of their child's death? I have no plans. Andy and I might visit her grave together...I might go by myself...take my bible and read a few Psalms. I have tried that before...I never get to the Psalms, I just sit and sob. Sob is the correct word...cry is to kind and polite a word for what I do when I go.

Last time I cold barely catch my breath...probably not a good thing for a ginormously pregnant lady.

I just recently read a quote from D.L. Moody. It says. “Soon you will read in the newspaper that I am dead. Don’t believe it for a moment. I will be more alive than ever before.”

I love to envision that for my beautiful little girl...that she is more alive than ever before. One day I will be with her again, whether that be from my days on this earth coming to an end, or being caught up in the clouds with her on our way to the New Heaven and New Earth...I will see her again.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Lord come quickly.


Nansie (Ahlgrim) Whitt said...

Praying for you during these next difficult weeks. Praying God's comfort upon you.

Renee said...

Praying for you!

Elizabeth said...

I'm haunted too...and I didn't even see what you did. Sometimes I just can't pull it together. You are so strong. I can't stop thinking that the last time I saw her was at mom and Di's birthday, and I regret every minute that I didn't stop myself from being sad about some guy and spend it with her.

Brooklyn said...

I just wanted to leave a comment. I have been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Baby Rigg. Although we do not know eachother I just want to tell you how strong you are. You are a wonderful writer. You really put everything in perspective and have helped me to not take for granted the days that I have with my little ones.
May God give you the strength that you need to get through these next weeks and until you get to see your Caden again.

With Love,

Lindsay from South africa said...

God bless you and your hubby at this difficult time!

Bethany said...

You and Andy have been on my mind and in my prayers. I remember Caden often. And I come here to "check" on you all. I have nothing I can give but my prayers so I do. Often. Praying for comfort in the days ahead, strength to withstand the storm and peace in the nights. May He lift you to a safe place and cover you with His mighty hand.

Susan said...

Your question of what to do on the day of death is a hard one. I know parents who send up balloons or go through pictures and videos.

We have had two anniversaries now and for us, the answer was not to do anything special. We didn't want to "honor" that day, I guess.

The right thing to do is the thing that feels right to YOUR family.



Anonymous said...

Crying with you and not looking forward to Sept. 22nd at all.

Tiffany said...

Know that our family is thinking of yours as that day approaches. I don't imagine there is a "right" way to spend a day like that. Just the way that is right for you & God. Praying for you from CO!

Jenny said...

Praying for you Cari.

Beck said...

Praying right now for you from Dallas. Asking God to shower you with the assurance of eternity. Cari, she can see the leaves...and the snow. You guys are loved by all of us who have never met you. 9/22 - where is your sting? Caden is fully known and alive.

Penny said...

I'm sorry! My heart breaks for you every time I read your blog. My stepbrother died the day before your baby girl. His brother died less than 5 years before him. My stepmother lost both her sons in less than 5 years. They were both 41, but I don't think a child's age makes it easier or harder. I watched what she went through and it's part of why your story breaks my heart. Because I know what's it like to stand beside someone crushed and broken and not be able to say or do anything to comfort them. I'm so sorry that you have to miss your baby. So very sorry.

Linsation01 said...

You don't know me, but someone referred me to your blog. My husband and I lost our four-month-old son, Ayden, 3 weeks ago to SIDS. Reading your words snapped me into reality. I walk in a fog some days, and today has been one of those days. This is not just a struggle for this moment; it will follow me forever. While words can't take the hurt away, the assurance of knowing we will see our children again will get us through each day. I'm encouraged to know another mother who has experienced the same loss has faith in God and His promises to reunite us with our loved ones and to see Him face to face. That day can't come soon enough....

Praying for you....August 25th of next year is already a dreaded moment for us...

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said... don't know me, but I love to read your blog. You are a great writer and I feel what you feel through your writing. I will be thinking of you next Tuesday. Lean on Andy and hug that beautiful baby boy. PS - Brooklyn, your comment said exactly what I wanted to say, too.

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

I know I've said it a thousand times, but I'll say it again...

Cari, I'm so sorry that while our family is rejoicing over Reagan's birthday each year, yours will be grieving over your precious Caden. It just doesn't seem fair. But know that WE are grieving with YOU and that YOU are welcome to rejoice with US.

I love you, Cari. And I miss Caden too.

Kathryn said...

I found your blog through another blog (I'm a blog stalker..what can I say!) I stayed up much too late last night, reading every. single. one. of your posts. You are truly an inspiration to have reminded me to soak up every single moment I have with my children--to drink them in and to marvel in each little curious thing they do. So I just wanted to thank you for that...I have been sending up prayers all day long for you and your husband (and I'll keep doing it...simply can't get ya'll off my mind)...Caden is NOT forgotten...neither are you...
And it is so nice to "meet" you :)
Kathryn Farris

Just Me - The Champion said...

I've been bad about blogging too. So I've been waiting for your latest post. Thinking being a new Mommy kept you away from the computer. I am sad to read the real reason it's been so hard for you to write. I know words will not take away your pain, Captain is right... no parent should ever have to experience what you have gone through. A wise friend of mine once said that "how we walk through life's darkest valleys will really communicate to others what it means to believe what we believe." Your hope and faith in the promises of God that he will never leave or forsake us,ring true in everything you write. We all see God working through you and in you. I am still praying for you. I will pray for you on Sept 22nd... and ask others to do the same. Give Rigg lots of snuggles... Peace - jen

Anonymous said...

I found your blog at the beginning of the summer and have felt honored to share in your young family's life. Your journey has given me hope. I pray for your family. I cry for your family. I smile at the pictures of your family. You are an inspiration to me, a middle aged woman from California, I don't know you or your family, but through the power of the internet I hope that you can feel the love, support, and prayers that are sent your way. I love your honesty. Thank you for sharing.

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

Just thought you might appreciate a few of the random questions my kids asked me this morning while I was visiting your blog:

*Is she (Caden) playing with Jesus?

*Did Jesus give her toys?

*Is their house in your computer?

*Were we there before (at your house)?

*Do they not have a dog?

Ahhh, kids are great, aren't they? I hope you all have a great weekend. I'm praying for you.

Mama Dish said...

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown