That's how I feel. The feeling stretches multiple ways. About my filthy house, my lingering excess fat, taking care of babies, missing my baby...I could possibly get more detailed but...
Do everything without complaining or arguing,
I am failing...
I have much to keep me busy, but I sit and do nothing. My mind churning and thinking of sad things or nothing. The TV or a book keeps my mind off of her.
I miss her.
I told her brother all about her yesterday. How much he would have loved her...or been annoyed by her. How much she loved to hear herself talk, how she loved being with people...how she probably would have hovered over him smothering him with kisses. How she would proclaim "baby" over and over and try to shove his paci in his mouth all the time...how we would have to watch her.
I stood in Rigg's room on Monday. Only it was Caden's room. All his stuff disappeared for a minute and hers was there. The Caribbean blue walls, the white shag rug...the white flowery vine above her crib...but she was still gone. The void was breathtaking. The pain real. The wound old but fresh all at the same time...I saw her grabbing the blinds while I was trying to change her...playing with her paci's before I got her out of her crib, smiling when she saw my face in the morning...
How I miss her smile.
Her eyes would light up seconds before the smile reached her lips...it was charming, endearing...magical.
Rigg does the same thing. It pulls at my mommy's heart.
I see her in him sometimes...
I cannot believe it has been a year. And oh a year it has been. It was huge what God has brought us through, what He has saved us from....what He has taught us. What He is still teaching us. If we chose to listen. Life has happened to us this year. I feel like an old woman sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder who stares back. A fat old woman...what happened to the skinny 19 year old who was carefree?
And if I thought long and hard about it, I wouldn't really want to be 19 again. I mean, sure, I would take the body...but the wisdom and knowledge gained since is irreplaceable. Even the pain has brought something that I do not think I could have gained otherwise...perspective. A heavenly one. Hope for the future that wouldn't be quite as intense, faith as an every day companion like never before. The crows feet may be more pronounced, but hopefully so is my reliance on the One who knows and understands the ache...
We have been without her for 361 days. That number will just keep getting higher. But as that number climbs another number counts down the days until we she her again.
I will see her again.
Until that day I will remember her.