Friday, September 18, 2009

Her

overwhelmed.

That's how I feel. The feeling stretches multiple ways. About my filthy house, my lingering excess fat, taking care of babies, missing my baby...I could possibly get more detailed but...

Philippians 2:14
Do everything without complaining or arguing,


I am failing...

I have much to keep me busy, but I sit and do nothing. My mind churning and thinking of sad things or nothing. The TV or a book keeps my mind off of her.

her

I miss her.

I told her brother all about her yesterday. How much he would have loved her...or been annoyed by her. How much she loved to hear herself talk, how she loved being with people...how she probably would have hovered over him smothering him with kisses. How she would proclaim "baby" over and over and try to shove his paci in his mouth all the time...how we would have to watch her.

I stood in Rigg's room on Monday. Only it was Caden's room. All his stuff disappeared for a minute and hers was there. The Caribbean blue walls, the white shag rug...the white flowery vine above her crib...but she was still gone. The void was breathtaking. The pain real. The wound old but fresh all at the same time...I saw her grabbing the blinds while I was trying to change her...playing with her paci's before I got her out of her crib, smiling when she saw my face in the morning...

How I miss her smile.

Her eyes would light up seconds before the smile reached her lips...it was charming, endearing...magical.

Rigg does the same thing. It pulls at my mommy's heart.

I see her in him sometimes...

I cannot believe it has been a year. And oh a year it has been. It was huge what God has brought us through, what He has saved us from....what He has taught us. What He is still teaching us. If we chose to listen. Life has happened to us this year. I feel like an old woman sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder who stares back. A fat old woman...what happened to the skinny 19 year old who was carefree?
life happened.
And if I thought long and hard about it, I wouldn't really want to be 19 again. I mean, sure, I would take the body...but the wisdom and knowledge gained since is irreplaceable. Even the pain has brought something that I do not think I could have gained otherwise...perspective. A heavenly one. Hope for the future that wouldn't be quite as intense, faith as an every day companion like never before. The crows feet may be more pronounced, but hopefully so is my reliance on the One who knows and understands the ache...

We have been without her for 361 days. That number will just keep getting higher. But as that number climbs another number counts down the days until we she her again.

I will see her again.

Until that day I will remember her.

her

12 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I see her in Rigg too. Those are your eyes Cari. Both your babies got them. Happy eyes, full of life and joy.

Amber Schmidt said...

You have brought me to tears and to my knees. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but please know that you have many many prayer partners standing behind you.

((((((((hugs)))))))))

brittany said...

There will be a day Cari...

You are such a beautiful woman of Christ, and even though I've never met you, I see the strength of Christ in you.

Isn't He AMAZING?!

Krista said...

hey cari... it's been a while since we've "chatted" but i wanted to tell you that i'm praying for you! i LOVE reading your posts - happy or sad. you really don't know how much i wish to meet you. to sit down over a cup of coffee or tea or WHATEVER! just to meet you. to chat about life. about loss. about love. and even more importantly, about our Jesus! I'm praying for you - please don't forget that!
Much love & many prayers from Seattle,
Krista

Kristen said...

You don't know me (and I only know you through this blog!) but I am praying for you today. Your post brought me to tears, and I can't imagine the range of emotions you have been through this past year. God is teaching many through your life and example of devotion to Him.

Penny said...

By the sheer emotion in your words, you make us, mere strangers, miss her and ache for you. That's an awesome gift, Cari. Keep writing. Keep making people fall in love with your beautiful little girl. Keep drawing people closer to the Lord.
You're in so many hearts and prayers. Andy, too.

Anonymous said...

Cari, it's ok to be sad, to sit, to think, to cry and to remember. It hurts that she's gone, even those of us who knew your baby girl, can't imagine that pain, but that pain keeps driving you back to your Savior, so you are not failing by a long shot!! Thank you for sharing your heart, never try to hide it, keep being as real as you are, and allow us to pray for and love you, Andy and Rigg. Love sweetie. b

Anonymous said...

Cari, I'm a strong believer that when the Lord comes and when we all get to the other side of eternity in heaven that everything will be as it once was. I believe that you will see Caden again, as she was when she left. And I believe that you will get the chance to raise her as you would have. I have always believed that all mothers who have lost their little ones too young will get the chance to raise their child in their heavenly home, watch them grow still. You are only away from her for a short time. Our live here on earth is like a grain of sand in comparison to the time we will spend in eternity. So for a little while, you part, but it won't be forever although I know it seems like it. Caden was a beautiful little girl and I know that you and Andy loved her so much. Just remember it's not over, you will still see you daughter grow into a beautiful woman, in a heavenly sense, the way she was meant to be. I've been thinking about you and praying for you and following your blog. I will always keep you and Andy and Rigg in my prayers.
-S

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari... thank you for sharing your heart. We are all hear listening crying, praying and aching with you. The way you describe Caden, I can picture her so clearly. Keep counting, keep remembering, keep loving and please please keep writing. I will continue to pray for you and your awesome Captain and new baby Rigg. peace girlfriend,
Jen

Helen Joy said...

Cari,
I've been reading your blog for a while now, but have never commented.
I have a son who is nearly 8 months old, and I cannot imagine going through what you have. I seriously cannot. Just the fact that you are still talking, waking up...living, is a testament to the Lord.
I cry pretty much every single time you post, but especially hard after this one.
Truly, every day I wake up and look at my son, I thank God for another day with him, and I pray for your heart.
I cannot imagine what how a non believer could live without the hope of heaven. I'm so glad you will be with your little girl again.
Thank you for your honest posts.
Helen Joy

Linsation01 said...

I'm right there with you...hanging on to that hope and counting up closer to the time when we'll see our babies again.

Thank you for you comment the other day, and you prayers. They made me feel uplifted in that moment.

I will pray for you as well...as I know each day is a different day that may cause you to face a new challenge....

Take care,
Lindsay

Proverbs 31 Woman said...

Cari, I am thinking of you and praying for you much this week. Hugs,
Rebecca