Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A reminder to myself

It's Wednesday? Already?
Lately all my days run together. When I first quit my job to stay at home with Caden, someone once asked me what it was like to stay home. My reply stands true still. I answered that my life was like the movie Groundhog Day. Each day is very much the same and drastically different all at the same time...I just hope I am more of a Annie McDowell and not a Bill Murry...

I was talking with a friend last night about prayer. How when you are more specific when you pray, you are more like likely to see God work. I then proceeded to run through the prayers God has answered for me over the past year...there are too many to list here, but I will share one.

Lately I have been having good day after really good day...
What is the problem you ask? A touch of guilt. For not missing her more.
What God wants for me?
I know as the days turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into years bits of my memory of her will continue to fade, the searing pain will continue to fade, the ache of loss will continue to subside. I just never expected it so soon...because it seems like just yesterday she was here...and yet if I close my eyes it is hard to see her face. I remember pictures I have taken...not her...just pictures of her. That hurts to realize. But it hurts just as much to realize I am separated far enough from her, from her loss...that I am truly doing OK.
It is a prayer that has been answered.
It is a promise that is being kept... (in 1 Peter 5:10 God says he will strengthen me, and he is...)
So why am I guilty/upset that God is working? That He is answering prayer? That He is keeping His promise?

It is just feels like one more thread in the rope being cut...a rope that holds my memory of her together seems to be rapidly fraying.
I am scared that the only memory I will have of her is from pictures,video, and stories...that I will not be able to conjure her, just her up in my mind...I am not sure this even makes any since. Being more at peace without her should make me happy...being able to get through weeks at a time without crying should be a great thing...yet I still feel badly about it.

So, am I really having good days if I am sad about being happy? Who knows, the more I type, the more messed up it seems. All I know is I feel this way, whether it makes any since at all or not. I know God is answering my prayers...I know He is keeping His promise. I know this is how it is going to continue...I suppose I just have to come to grips with it.

Peace about living life without her is OK...
Having Joy on a daily basis is good.
Faith in His word and His will is a gift.

Feeling guilt and shame is believing a lie...
So I need to choose to accept His Peace, Joy and all His gifts and promises.

She is gone, but not dead. She lives in Heaven with Christ...where I will be one day too...with Christ, with her.

And as a reminder to myself... I will feed and change babies...I will coo and talk baby talk. I will clap and rejoice when a little one does soemthing for the first time. I will wash dishes and do laundry...I will wear the same shirt for days on end...I will think of her and smile. I will tell her brother about her. I will share all of my children with those who ask. I will be a mother of 2, no matter how many I take care of here on this earth, and I will smile about it.



Anonymous said...

The prayers of others for you are being answered as well......I've sensed a change in you this past week.....a joy that's deeper and stays longer....your smile that doesn't desolve into tears when certain songs are sung or something reminds you of Caden.....a crazy "in loveness" with your cute little Rigg. I was thinking this morning that maybe that black rain cloud was finally lifting! Give in to the joy that God has given to you, not the guilt the enemy wants you to have. Don't worry, you will always remember your sweet first born, God's just helping you be able to do it in a manner that brings peace to your heart. Psalm 30:5 says...weeping may last for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning......Good Morning, Cari. Love you. b

Linsation01 said...

It makes complete sense....every word.

Penny said...

It may seem "messed up," but didn't God say that His peace is one that surpasses understanding? You don't have to make sense of your peace, or make sense of it, just thank Him for it. And you're doing a beautiful job of that. =)

Penny said...

Ok, I didn't mean to say "make sense of" twice. lol I meant one of those to say you don't have to feel guilty about it. =)

Just Me - The Champion said...

I tried to leave a comment regarding your post yesterday via my blackberry but it just wouldn't work. Cari... you are an awesome woman of God. Again, I am so glad you write. I am so glad you share. Everything you are going through is such a normal part of grieving for your baby. God answers our prayers especially when we grieve and for you my friend your process teaches us all how to listen closely to how God works in our own lives. I am thankful for you today. Peace... jen

KERRIE said...

Hello Cari,
Although I don't know you, nor do you know me, I read your blog daily. You (and your words) inspire me to be a better mother to my sweet 14 month old daughter Gracie. There are moments when I start to feel frustrated that I stop and think of you and your loss. I take a deep breath, say a prayer, kiss her blonde head and enjoy the moment. Thank you for helping a complete stranger see her gifts......peace, Kerrie