Sunday, November 8, 2009

Ugly

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried.


Saturday morning dawned bright and sunny over the Midwest landscape. I awoke to sun and blue skies. It was a perfect day to get all of the scheduled projects done...projects I had been much anticipating over the last few months. We had it all worked out. Big things were going to happen today.

Until the captain told me he didn't feel well...this was a wrench in my perfect plan. "lay down for a bit, maybe you will feel better." So he did. I fed the babe, cleaned up a bit...then went in and checked on the captain...he still felt terrible.

me: should I cancel the plans for today?
captain: yeah, I am sorry.
me: ok, fine.

I left the room very angry. I stomped into the kitchen, looked out at the backyard and ranted in my head. I am tired! I am tired of always having to make "game time" decisions. I am tired of having a husband that is sick, nauseated and exhausted from the chemo. I am tired of things never going my way!!! I think you could have seen steam come out of my ears. Right before me I saw my grand plans for the day crumble. All my projects did a little jig in my mind taunting me in their uncompleted state. I was angry...and then it happened.
I saw myself for what I really was...angry for no reason...complaining without merit...sinning.

It. was. ugly.

Was Andy's health not more important than my "to do" list? Was my goal for the day to be placed higher then a right attitude? Was not getting my way in such a small thing worth it? I mean, he can't really help being sick, the chemo messes with his immune system, and causes the fatigue. I had no reason in the world to be as mad as I was.

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried. hard. The captain deserved a better wife than that. I should be taking care of him. Not making him feel guilty for ruining my plan. I should be in enjoying my son, not sulking in the corner of the kitchen. I should make the most of the day God has given me.
I hung my head in shame and humiliation.

Andy came in and asked why I was on the floor.
because
what's wrong?
I am sorry. I am sorry you do not feel good. I am sorry I was such a jerk...I am so sorry.
are you OK?
go back to bed. you should be in bed. I am sorry.

I sat on the floor and asked Gods forgiveness for my sinful, childish behavior. I know He forgave me. (1John 1:9) I asked Andy's forgiveness too. He forgave me, even though I was a jerk.

Talk about taking you down a peg. God still has much work to do in me.
I think sometimes, even though I know in my head I have a long way to go, I secretly think that I am doing Ok. It is in times like the ones yesterday that God shows me how far from Ok I really am. How ugly my heart really is.
I am so thankful that when I see me for who I am without Christ, I can fall on my knees and crawl back to the only One who can forgive me. Who has already forgiven me...and has even taken the penalty for my sin.
 
It is interesting the moments that stick with us. As ugly as this moment in my life was, I have a feeling it will stick with me for a long time. Hopefully providing me with a good reminder of what is important. That and how much I need a Savior. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

On the way to church this morning I was thinking about yesterday. The song Only Grace came on.
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear


There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

A perfect way to sum up, I think. Grace to cover the ugly...Thank you God.

7 comments:

Kylee said...

I have had many days like that too. How sweet it is that we are forgiven. Just know you are not alone.

Stephanie said...

I too have done the same thing. My husband had thyroid cancer and I would find myself being angry because all he did was sleep. How selfish of me! Praise the Lord for wake up calls and forgiveness. We would be nowhere without him! I pray for you and Captain, that the cancer is gone, never to return.

Just Me - The Champion said...

Again... you leave me speechless. God is working in all of us. My friend Jill and I call them pity parties. We like to have them and then feel horrible afterwards. It is HUGE and WONDERFUL that you asked for God's forgiveness AND your husband's too. HUGE HUGE HUGE! God is clapping and so proud of you Cari. Don't beat yourself up too much. Jesus knew we would have these struggles. It's why he paid the price on the cross. Love you girlfriend... I'm praying for you. peace! - Jen

Ashley said...

Cari - We are learning (and blogging!) the same things as young moms and wives. Maybe our circumstances and the details of our lives are different, but praise God that he is revealing our true hearts to us and nudging us closer to Him in the process. (The funny part - my last blog post was called "I am ugly."!)

Ashley said...

Cari - We are learning (and blogging!) the same things as young moms and wives. Maybe our circumstances and the details of our lives are different, but praise God that he is revealing our true hearts to us and nudging us closer to Him in the process. (The funny part - my last blog post was called "I am ugly."!)

sabo family said...

Don't beat yourself up Cari...you are human, giving very normal reactions to the situation you have found yourself in. God understands :)

Kathryn said...

Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing that with me. I often find myself mad for no reason...angry...storming around...and I ask myself this "Do you do well to be angry?" The answer, I find, is almost always "no"...
Thank you for putting life into perspective...and thank you for making me feel not so alone