humiliated by lack of humility

Once again it is Monday and I have been playing catch up. On my laundry, on my housework...on my Bible study.

You would think If I did it last week and hated it, (not the study, the playing catch up) I would not do the same thing this week...but alas, I am weak and lazy...and I did multiple days of my weekly study in one sitting...
Last week during the study the teacher...I will call her "Mama B", because she is kinda like my mom, and her name starts with a B...so it is fitting...made a statement that hit me right in the face and smacked me around a little. I have been thinking about it all week. Through that one sentence, God has peeled away some layers of my heart and shown me who I really am...and how I have been really living.

I have said it before, and I will say it again...IT. WAS. UGLY.PEOPLE.

Mama B said "It is not the size of what you give God, It is the obedience of it."

WOW! really...not the size...but I feel like I have given Him huge things...ginormous, humongous, colossal things...
But was I obedient in it? For this is what matters.
This is what I have been pondering and struggling over that past week. God knows my heart...He knows my level of obedience, He knows when I will bow to His way and His doing. But He has been showing me my heart...and it was/is chalk full of pride.

I have been so proud (in a since) of how I have handled this past year...I have held my circumstances and trials up like a banner for all to see. "See, all you peoples, what God has chosen to do. See how big and hard my life has been...see what I can handle...see and be amazed"
God has called me to many things...humility being one of them. (see Prov.11:12, Phil 2:3, Col 3:12, James 3:13...there are more I am sure...) And I have fallen very short of obedience in that area.
I have had a tough year, and I have leaned heavily on Christ...I could not have gotten through this past year with out my faith in Christ or the knowledge of His word and character to lean on. He has done a great work in my life, in my family...He is doing a great work still...and I must learn to obey...and be humble in my circumstance. It is not about me it is about God...Who He is, what He has done.

I might have suffered a great deal, I might have lived through things others will never have to do, but the size of my circumstance is of no concern.
A young stay at home mom who has problems, that in a human perspective, pale in comparison to mine...but she is obedient to Christ in what she does...far outshines me. Her bowing to spit-up and poopy diapers with a grateful and humble heart all day is Glorifying in ways I can only pretend to understand. While my trials may seem bigger...it is not size or length or number that carry the weight of righteousness...it is my bowing to Him and His decisions, without question...giving my life for His use...and giving Him the glory for it.

not me, Father, not of my own strength or power...only through you have I gotten by, have I carried on, have I pressed on...Help me obey, to be humble...to bring you glory with my life.

God has been showing me my pride, my sinful heart...and it.is.ugly