God has been caring, carrying, lifting me up and comforting me this past year. He has been with the Captain and I every step of the way. He has proven Himself over and over…I have seen His face, His hands, His feet and His heart more clearly than ever before…in the faces, arms, hands, feet and love of others.
There are things I will never forget about the day Caden died. One thing that sticks so soundly in my memory is leaving the back, quiet room of the hospital and walking out into the waiting room. There in the small emergency waiting room were about 20-30 of our friends and family…really they were all family. They hugged, cried and loved us. They grieved with us, for us. They showed Gods love and comfort right from the beginning…she had not been gone an hour and we were wrapped in Christ through them.
I distinctly remember seeing the face of a friend I have known almost all of my life. As Andy and I were walking out of the hospital she and her husband were walking up…we both reached out and I fell into her arms. I will never forget that moment and how much I love her for being there…how much it meant. Gods comfort in the arms of a friend.
It has struck me over and over again in the past year how much my heart rejoices when others remember my daughter. When I see a picture of her where I did not expect. When someone opens their bible next to me in church and I see a glimpse of her memorial handout. When someone shares that they have her sweet face on their fridge. I thank God that He gave us such wonderful blessings in the people that care…and love us enough to remember her.
Yesterday evening I was attending my weekly bible study. We sing hymns every week before we start. The second hymn was Be thou my Vision. My heart leaped and sank a little…that was what I would sing to Caden before bed every night. I love that song…and now I can’t sing it…not because I do not believe the words…but because I cry too hard to get them out…my lips move, my heart sings…but only sobs can be heard. I was sitting next to a girl I have known for a long time…we are friends, but not close. Right before the song I explained to her my attachment to this particular hymn.
Be thou my vision…tears, ugly face, hymnal bouncing because I cannot catch my breath…
Be thou my wisdom…a little more in control…mouthing the words, must keep eyes closed or breakdown will ensue.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise…still tears, God calm my heart…
High King of Heaven , my victory won, may I reach Heaven’s joys oh, bright Heaven’s Son. Heart of my own heart whatever befall, still be my vision, oh, ruler of all. I sang the words. The last verse…faint, but still audible…may I reach Heaven’s joys…
After the song, She put her arm around my shoulder. I looked over and she had tears in her eyes, this girl whom I have known of, but do not really know…my heart warmed. I reached out and took her hand. And there we sat. Holding hands. Now a memory of Gods goodness and comfort I will not soon forget.
What makes me even more happy is when someone says “our girl” or “our baby”. I LOVE when others think of her as theirs. How they have taken the hurt and loss so much to heart it is not just mine…it is theirs. I love the thought that she was everyone’s baby. I loved to share her when she was here. I love to share her even more now. And if we are going to be honest…she was never really mine to begin with.
My prayer for Andy and I is that we share Rigg so completely with others that he is theirs as well. For blessings are meant to be shared.