Blogger tells me this is my 100th post. I was thinking, what should I do for this post to make is extra-100th-y-special?....I came up with nothing. I figure since the only reason I have reached this number so soon is because of my husbands recent, shall we say, happening, it really is not the milestone that some 100th bloggy posts are.
I, and you too, might realize that I post much more often now than I had been before the dreaded tumor...I think this is for multiple reasons...the first is, there has been much to say as of late. The second is I have found it quite therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings to....ummm...the Internet? Anyway, so this all being the case, I have no special, knock your socks off kinda post for you today....just my random thoughts and the recent happenings of us, the Chastain's, a not so normal, yet just regular folk like you, type of family.
The Captain starts chemo on Monday. It has the potential to make him sick and tired (no pun intended there...) and I ask that you continue to pray for his health as well as his reaction to this new drug. The hope is that if there are any tumor cells remaining, that this will, as they say, do them in. The plan is he will take 5 nights a month for 6 months. He gets another MRI in August...so please be praying for that as well.
It hit me yesterday or the day before, I do not remember which, that my baby girl has been gone longer than when she was here. That is sad to type, but it was even more sad to realize. I cried...I am crying now.
I miss her so much. So much it hurts.
I have been sitting and looking through pictures of her and vacillating between laughter, smiles, pain and tears. It is all rolled up into one big lump of emotion. I have caught the Captain doing the same this week. I hate to see him cry. I want to fix it...but I know how it feels and it cannot be fixed. This is our life, this is our forever. The thought is too terrible to comprehend most days. I was thinking earlier this week, that most problems in life are short, and they pass. You have to "look back" on them, or try to remember exactly what happened...this is not like that.
This has no end.
I long to wake up and hear her cry in the other room. I wish it was all a bad dream and I awake to find her sweet face smiling up at me from her crib. Watch her bang one of her colorful pacifiers on the crib and talk to herself. Just to smell her sweet scent or kiss her soft cheek, or gaze at her beautiful face again...
I want her back.
I was thinking about how her brother will never know her. He will only hear stories or see pictures. Yet, they have both lived in the same room, had the same parents, been washed in the same tub. Just months apart, but still too late.
Because of all of these thoughts I have been, well, longing for heaven...more than just Heaven, I have been longing for God. I want this hurt, this pain to end. Usually when people talk about people who have suffered, I do not think about myself...I think of Job, or the martyrs in China, or people in the Sudan...but I do not usually think of me. This week I feel like I have been wounded. Maybe it is an old wound and the scab was just ripped off this week...either way. I hurt. I long for eternity with the One who can take the pain away. I think, too, why I have been wanting Heaven so much is because I know that is the only place where my babies will be together. I have these thoughts, these notions, of what it will be like when I am there...my babies together, me watching and loving on them. But in all reality, we have no idea what heaven is going to be like. Most likely, I will be too awe struck and enamored with Christ my Savior that I will not have any eyes, or ears for other thoughts. He will be my focus....I am OK with that. Days will be full of happy worship and praise. No more tears, no more pain, no more missing my baby....
Revelation 21:4 says "and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 says "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.
17Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.
18Therefore comfort one another with these words. "
I love these verses, they give me hope and strengthen my faith. I know I will be in Heaven one day, and I know He will wipe my hurt and tears away. I will be there with Caden, and others that I love. These are happy thoughts indeed. I have been reading and rereading these 2 verses over and over this week. God knew what I needed, He had written it long ago knowing I would need it this week. He has refreshed my soul and given me comfort this week, and I know He will continue to do so as long as I walk this earth.
There are a few cliche phrases that people say that will forever hold new meaning for me. The first being "worse things have happened." This is a true statement for me and my family, when I say it, I mean it.
The second is "It's not brain surgery." I love using this one now...I usually get a chuckle ( or nervous glances from people who are unsure whether or not they should laugh)
The third is "Heaven can wait." I will never utter these words. I long for the day when He comes to get me and take me home. I think it has waited long enough. I am ready...are you?
Lord, come quickly.