Friday, May 29, 2009

Longing for home

Blogger tells me this is my 100th post. I was thinking, what should I do for this post to make is extra-100th-y-special?....I came up with nothing. I figure since the only reason I have reached this number so soon is because of my husbands recent, shall we say, happening, it really is not the milestone that some 100th bloggy posts are.
I, and you too, might realize that I post much more often now than I had been before the dreaded tumor...I think this is for multiple reasons...the first is, there has been much to say as of late. The second is I have found it quite therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings to....ummm...the Internet? Anyway, so this all being the case, I have no special, knock your socks off kinda post for you today....just my random thoughts and the recent happenings of us, the Chastain's, a not so normal, yet just regular folk like you, type of family.

The Captain starts chemo on Monday. It has the potential to make him sick and tired (no pun intended there...) and I ask that you continue to pray for his health as well as his reaction to this new drug. The hope is that if there are any tumor cells remaining, that this will, as they say, do them in. The plan is he will take 5 nights a month for 6 months. He gets another MRI in please be praying for that as well.

It hit me yesterday or the day before, I do not remember which, that my baby girl has been gone longer than when she was here. That is sad to type, but it was even more sad to realize. I cried...I am crying now.

I miss her so much. So much it hurts.

I have been sitting and looking through pictures of her and vacillating between laughter, smiles, pain and tears. It is all rolled up into one big lump of emotion. I have caught the Captain doing the same this week. I hate to see him cry. I want to fix it...but I know how it feels and it cannot be fixed. This is our life, this is our forever. The thought is too terrible to comprehend most days. I was thinking earlier this week, that most problems in life are short, and they pass. You have to "look back" on them, or try to remember exactly what happened...this is not like that.

This has no end.

I long to wake up and hear her cry in the other room. I wish it was all a bad dream and I awake to find her sweet face smiling up at me from her crib. Watch her bang one of her colorful pacifiers on the crib and talk to herself. Just to smell her sweet scent or kiss her soft cheek, or gaze at her beautiful face again...

I want her back.

I was thinking about how her brother will never know her. He will only hear stories or see pictures. Yet, they have both lived in the same room, had the same parents, been washed in the same tub. Just months apart, but still too late.

Because of all of these thoughts I have been, well, longing for heaven...more than just Heaven, I have been longing for God. I want this hurt, this pain to end. Usually when people talk about people who have suffered, I do not think about myself...I think of Job, or the martyrs in China, or people in the Sudan...but I do not usually think of me. This week I feel like I have been wounded. Maybe it is an old wound and the scab was just ripped off this week...either way. I hurt. I long for eternity with the One who can take the pain away. I think, too, why I have been wanting Heaven so much is because I know that is the only place where my babies will be together. I have these thoughts, these notions, of what it will be like when I am babies together, me watching and loving on them. But in all reality, we have no idea what heaven is going to be like. Most likely, I will be too awe struck and enamored with Christ my Savior that I will not have any eyes, or ears for other thoughts. He will be my focus....I am OK with that. Days will be full of happy worship and praise. No more tears, no more pain, no more missing my baby....

Revelation 21:4 says "and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 says "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.
we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.
18Therefore comfort one another with these words
. "

I love these verses, they give me hope and strengthen my faith. I know I will be in Heaven one day, and I know He will wipe my hurt and tears away. I will be there with Caden, and others that I love. These are happy thoughts indeed. I have been reading and rereading these 2 verses over and over this week. God knew what I needed, He had written it long ago knowing I would need it this week. He has refreshed my soul and given me comfort this week, and I know He will continue to do so as long as I walk this earth.

There are a few cliche phrases that people say that will forever hold new meaning for me. The first being "worse things have happened." This is a true statement for me and my family, when I say it, I mean it.
The second is "It's not brain surgery." I love using this one now...I usually get a chuckle ( or nervous glances from people who are unsure whether or not they should laugh)
The third is "Heaven can wait." I will never utter these words. I long for the day when He comes to get me and take me home. I think it has waited long enough. I am ready...are you?

Lord, come quickly.


Grandma~rella said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers...

Anonymous said...

Hey Cari,
I will pray for strength for the two of you and for Andy and his upcoming chemo treatments.
LinMarie xoxo

Just Me - The Champion said...

Hey girl,
I was hoping you'd post before the weekend. I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through. I am crying with you. I am praying with you. The love you have for Caden is tangible in your writing. I can hear your heart and I am SO sorry you hurt. I pray for more good days than bad. I will fast and pray for you that as time goes on... your son's life will be a testimony to the great God you trust in, who loves you and loves the Captain and is standing with Caden watching over you. I am fasting and praying too that the chemo will do it's job and God will heal your husband. May sweet miracles begin to bless your life in abundance. That is my prayer for you. This is not "random thoughts" you write. These are inspirations, posts that teach us what it means to walk through the valleys with the Lord...crying out when we most desperately need Him most. Thank you for that. Peace girl, Jen

Krista said...

the only word I have right now is "AMEN!" prayin' for you much! and for the Captain as he starts chemo on Monday!

Lindsey said...

Your post has me in tears. Praying for you right now...

Princess Heather said...

I agree Cari...Lord Jesus come quickley....

Carlos and Jamie said...

I know I don't know you personally but I want you to know that I think about your situation daily and pray for you daily.


Kalie said...

Cari -
I pray that this pain will go away, I know that even a new baby brings great joy, that sadness never completly goes away. I hope your baby boy will bring a smile to your face, and remind you of Caden, every time you see him! I can't begin to think of how worried you were when you found out about the tumor, how worried you were that something would go wrong, but you put into God's hands, and prayed that His hands would go through the doctors hands, to guide their every move, now you are praying that the medician will work the way it's made to do, through God's hands. You pray that your unborn baby boy will be healthy, through God's hands. You trust God, we all should!

God bless you and your whole family -

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

I don't even know what to say. I want to say something comforting, but . . . I am praying for you.

Sallye said...

Is it just me or is it a God thing? Everytime I come to your blog and read the new entry. The first song that pops up on your play list is always directly related to your post. Today it was "There will be a day" So I listen and I read, and I hear God speak and confirm. And I know that regardless of what that God is in control.

Congratulations on your 100th post.

I can not find the words to speak to your pain, other than to say I am praying for you. Soon and very soon we are going to see the King.

I am praying for Captain and the Chemo. That there will be no side effects, and that the chemo will do it's job and that is all it will do.

Can't wait to see hospital pictures of you and the Captain with Rigg. Oh what a day that will be.


Sarah said...

Wow. I am overwhelmed...I can't imagine your pain. I do pray for you. Josh and I pray for both of you. I came across a poem today by Ruth Bell Graham. As I read it, I thought of your loss. I cried. Then I thought of how fragile life is, and how the Lord does give and does take away...we are but a flower in the field. I'd like to share the poem with you. It is sad, and I hope it doesn't offend you...(It's also kind of oddly written)

"I'm Daniel Creasman's mother.
I brung these clothes
so's you
could dress him up real natural-like
navy wouldn't do
He liked this little playsuit-
it's sorta faded now-
that tore place he
he got tryin'
to help his daddy plow.
if he dressed real smart-like-
and all that fancy trim-
the last we'd see of Danny,
it wouldn't seem
like him.
comb his hair...real special...
(if it wouldn't seem too odd)...
I brush it so
come Sunday
when he goes to the house of God."

That afternoon
I saw him-
so still, so tanned he lay-
with the faded blue suit on him,
like he'd just come in from play...
but his hair was brushed
"real special"...
and it didn't seem
one bit odd, for...
he was just a small boy
done with play
gone home to the house of God.

-Ruth Bell Graham

Beck said...

Oh Cari,

Just came across this post from last Friday. I completely agree: Come, Lord Jesus. Death is obscene...Heaven is precious...and we long for it (as we should!) more and more as those we love go there and as we grow closer to the King and His Kingdom each day.

I am just crying thinking about the sounds, smells, little noises, little distractions that you miss. All I can say is that grief is the most natural reaction - and I believe that it gives dignity and testimony to Caden's life that you grieve and miss her...and will always miss her.

Thank you for sharing your longings and your heart. It's therapeutic for you and for me to join you - to pray for you in the Spirit.

Carrie Wallace said...

I happened upon your blog a few months ago by way of my friend Jill's blog. Your story struck me deeply and I cry almost every time I read it. My heart breaks with yours as you miss your baby girl, and rejoices as you anticipate your baby boy and celebrate your husband's recovery. I have two girls (3 and 1) and I am reminded of the amazing, miraculous gifts that they are each time I visit your blog. I am reminded to cherish and love them as fiercely as I can every day. Thank you for your vulnerability and openness. I am praying with you.


P.S. I tried Golden Oreos -- DELISH!! :)