I had a Dr. apt. this morning. I was to see a partner of my "normal" doc. They are all nice ladies so I had no anxiousness...not that I usually do, you see I am a pretty calm and rational person most of the time.(my friend Julie has said before that I am too rational to be a woman...whatever that means...) This is why I state that I have turned into a crazy lady at times, because it is SO very much against my nature to worry or be anxious...it is all a new feeling for me, and, incidentally...I HATE IT!!!
So I was sitting in the lovely room on the obnoxiously loud crinkle paper table, wondering what the 2 chocolate chip muffins I crammed into my mouth at 6 am would do to my blood sugar, when the song came on. I mean a local soft rock radio station should not induce fear or worry in most sane persons...but as we have already established...I am no longer one of those persons... I am OTHER.
So the song came on...when it started I thought...OK Cari, you can do this...do not listen to the words. Think of something else...a Dr. you do not know is coming in anytime...She will see the crazy...you will have to explain, only making it harder to stop the crying...
But, alas, it was not to be. The tears started anyway. Blast that Martina McBride and her beautiful song...Blast that some of the words used to mean tears for another reason...Blast! Blast! Blast! So there I am crying, snotting, red blotchy faced thinking, at least I am not in the "big" waiting room making a scene. Then In my Daughters Eyes ended. I dried my eyes while Stevie Wonder sang to me that he just called to say he loves me... (how nice) just long enough for me to compose myself before Doc comes in. I must have done a bang up job because she said nothing...didn't even do a double take. Good Job, Cari...you did it! We chat, talk about how I am feeling.
Then she says it...I may have stopped crying, but I cannot avoid awkwardness this visit...I should have seen it coming. "So this is your first baby?" No, it is my second. "oh, really?" Long pause to check file..."OH! I know who you are." Sad, very apologetic eyes turn my way. "I am SO sorry." It is OK.
But really it isn't. I do not think it will ever be OK...but she needn't know that. Well, she probably already knows it, but she needn't hear it. I hate the crinkle paper table...it brings nothing but noise, and uncomfortableness, physical... and today...emotional.
So then both of us, searching for a way to sidestep the big pile of awkward we had made, started talking about Rigg...a great subject if I do say so myself. I said he feels a lot bigger than the last time I was in...I feel HUGE! She measured, I am measuring 2 weeks ahead. So because I am measuring big, and I am feeling him SO much more than just a few short weeks ago...I GET ANOTHER ULTRASOUND!!! YEAH! We get to see little bit again! I am stoked. So in a couple weeks we get to view him again as well as see how big he is. I can't wait. But it looks like I will have to.
God was good to me today. I had a small breakdown, an awkward moment, then was given the gift of seeing my son, albeit, in the future, but still, I get to see him. I left the office happy and content. I thanked Jesus for protecting me from the tear streaked confession I had envisioned giving the Doc as I was crying, and praised Him for the extra-long wait today, as it gave me time to compose myself.
As I drove away from the Dr.s office, I thought of Caden, of how much I love her, and how much I miss her...but I didn't cry. Jeremy Camps' There Will be a Day was on the radio, so I thought of my daughters eyes and how I will see them again.
Thank you, Father, for Hope. It got me through this morning.