Friday, May 15, 2009

I hate the crinkle paper table

I had a Dr. apt. this morning. I was to see a partner of my "normal" doc. They are all nice ladies so I had no anxiousness...not that I usually do, you see I am a pretty calm and rational person most of the time.(my friend Julie has said before that I am too rational to be a woman...whatever that means...) This is why I state that I have turned into a crazy lady at times, because it is SO very much against my nature to worry or be anxious...it is all a new feeling for me, and, incidentally...I HATE IT!!!

So I was sitting in the lovely room on the obnoxiously loud crinkle paper table, wondering what the 2 chocolate chip muffins I crammed into my mouth at 6 am would do to my blood sugar, when the song came on. I mean a local soft rock radio station should not induce fear or worry in most sane persons...but as we have already established...I am no longer one of those persons... I am OTHER.

So the song came on...when it started I thought...OK Cari, you can do this...do not listen to the words. Think of something else...a Dr. you do not know is coming in anytime...She will see the crazy...you will have to explain, only making it harder to stop the crying...

But, alas, it was not to be. The tears started anyway. Blast that Martina McBride and her beautiful song...Blast that some of the words used to mean tears for another reason...Blast! Blast! Blast! So there I am crying, snotting, red blotchy faced thinking, at least I am not in the "big" waiting room making a scene. Then In my Daughters Eyes ended. I dried my eyes while Stevie Wonder sang to me that he just called to say he loves me... (how nice) just long enough for me to compose myself before Doc comes in. I must have done a bang up job because she said nothing...didn't even do a double take. Good Job, Cari...you did it! We chat, talk about how I am feeling.

Then she says it...I may have stopped crying, but I cannot avoid awkwardness this visit...I should have seen it coming. "So this is your first baby?" No, it is my second. "oh, really?" Long pause to check file..."OH! I know who you are." Sad, very apologetic eyes turn my way. "I am SO sorry." It is OK.

But really it isn't. I do not think it will ever be OK...but she needn't know that. Well, she probably already knows it, but she needn't hear it. I hate the crinkle paper table...it brings nothing but noise, and uncomfortableness, physical... and today...emotional.

So then both of us, searching for a way to sidestep the big pile of awkward we had made, started talking about Rigg...a great subject if I do say so myself. I said he feels a lot bigger than the last time I was in...I feel HUGE! She measured, I am measuring 2 weeks ahead. So because I am measuring big, and I am feeling him SO much more than just a few short weeks ago...I GET ANOTHER ULTRASOUND!!! YEAH! We get to see little bit again! I am stoked. So in a couple weeks we get to view him again as well as see how big he is. I can't wait. But it looks like I will have to.

God was good to me today. I had a small breakdown, an awkward moment, then was given the gift of seeing my son, albeit, in the future, but still, I get to see him. I left the office happy and content. I thanked Jesus for protecting me from the tear streaked confession I had envisioned giving the Doc as I was crying, and praised Him for the extra-long wait today, as it gave me time to compose myself.

As I drove away from the Dr.s office, I thought of Caden, of how much I love her, and how much I miss her...but I didn't cry. Jeremy Camps' There Will be a Day was on the radio, so I thought of my daughters eyes and how I will see them again.

Thank you, Father, for Hope. It got me through this morning.

7 comments:

Joyce said...

no time to write anything deep or thoughtful - sorry. just want to tell you i found two MAM pacifiers, background white with red and and silver and gold. One has a guitar and says Rock n Roll the other has a red star and says Rockstar. Do you have any like this yet?

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

Hey, I had an appointment today too! Although I'm not measuring ahead. :)

And wow, my doctor's office doesn't have music. And that's probably a good thing...

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari,
Thanks for sharing your story. Youa are rational. Because if it was me sitting and waiting on that crinkle paper and I had been through all you've been through... I would have been running through the halls to find the source of the music to dismantle the system. Find something heavy to beat it with and gingerly walk back to my crinkle paper to wait patiently for the new doc. I am so glad you get to see Rigg again... and even happier that God blessed you with Jeremy Camp's greeting as you entered back into your car. I am praying, crying and being a crazy lady for you today. Thank you again for sharing. peace. - jen

carla said...

I am praying that all goes well for many many years to come. I love your blog but am feeling your feelings with you. So you see crazy ain't just for one person!LOL! I love turning up my christian music and crying as I praise or pray or dust the bunnies out of the guest room. You are right where you need to be. His arms are around you. Hugs and Prayers nannie aka carla winn

Beck said...

I just love coming here. You are such a good writer, Cari. Thanks for letting us into the big pile of awkward. I just wanted to walk into that room and hug on you while you were sitting there crying all by your lonesome & feeling bad about it. I love the person who is lookin' for boy-ish MAM pacies for Rigg. God bless ya, girl. We're on your team and I know the Father pulls Caden aside and says, "Look, Mama's sad right now...let's love on her..."

Anonymous said...

Too funny! Welcome to my world!! (I'm not even going to sign this one, you'll know who it is!!)

Jacie said...

Aww! I love Martina...she can make anyone cry. Hope you are well!
~Jacie
P.S. I agree- that crinkle paper is stupid!