I have come to think of Caden's death not as the moment my life revolves around (as I did for such a long time) but as the moment where God forever changed my perspective and understanding about my life.
I know I have mentioned it so often before, but since her death I long deeply for Heaven...for the day that pain and hurt and the loss of her is no more. I long for what my heart aches for. Most days it is her...simply her. Other days it is rest, some days it is a desire for days without worry, without uncertainty...still others it is a desire without a name...a desire for Jesus I suppose, for an end to this hindered, encumbered, half-life we lead in a sinful, decaying world.
I remember when I was pregnant with Rigg wondering how I was going to do it. Love one baby and miss another. How would I carry the baton of two such separate emotions and the banner of two such separate identities. A mother of a precious son, the mother of a lost daughter. How do you carry on? How do you keep her memory alive, how do I rejoice and grieve at the same time...in the same hour...at the same moment?
I have come to realize that life, all of life, is like a puzzle.
I remember a couple of years ago trying to put together this ridiculous puzzle of nothing but flowers. All pink flowers and green leaves. I am not sure I ever finished. I do remember multiple times looking at a piece, thinking it would never fit, and then, SNAP, there was me, staring in amazement that it did, in fact, fit.
The pink petals and green leaves were so intertwined that the edge of one pink piece fit in perfectly with the edge of a green piece. Overlapping and connecting to form the picture.
God has fit my grief pieces perfectly together with my rejoicing pieces. I was thinking of this today while I was crying over Caden. Missing her today brought the ache and the tears. I was holding my son, calming him before I put him down for a nap and he started giggling. And while the tears were still wet and running down my face, I felt joy.
SNAP. They fit perfectly. I felt them both in the same instant. Grief. Joy. And I am sure in Gods sight, it makes a whole picture.
I came across a song and a video most of you have probably seen and/or heard. It sings the song of my heart. And at the same time reminds me I am just one of many. Who have lost a daughter, a child, a future, a dream. One of many who suffer and await the day Christ welcomes us home.
Home.
This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Who doesn't love a baby in a bath?
The Captain and I used to love to give Caden her bath. It was such a fun time because she loved the water and bath toys so much.
She would splash and kick and chew on the toys. One of her favorites was a hippo that could squirt water. As soon as you would start to squirt the water out of the hippo she would stick out her tongue so the stream of water could hit it. It was so funny.
I knew when I was pregnant with Rigg that a lot of small things would be difficult for us once he was born. Not because of Rigg. Because we had such wonderful memories attached to the small things with Caden. Like bottle feeding on Sunday mornings, or baby Einstein video's...or bath time.
Bath time seemed the hardest hurdle for Andy to jump. It was not because he didn't want to be involved in giving his son a bath...it just brought up so many memories of his precious baby girl. It was a struggle. Since Rigg's birth I have been the bath giver. I have patiently waited for God to heal the Captain's heart. I have prayed that Andy would start to help more and more with bath time and by doing so build up more wonderful memories of bath time with his son.
Just this past Tuesday night I asked the Captain to help with bath time. He agreed. He usually helps prep, and cleanup...but rarely stays for the sudsing and cleaning portion of the bath. This time he lingered in the bath room while Rigg was in the tub. We had such a great time...and took a video just to prove it.
It is wonderful to see Gods hand heal our hearts in the little things. For in the little things, big memories are made. Maybe that is why the little things leave such big hurts when they are gone.
She would splash and kick and chew on the toys. One of her favorites was a hippo that could squirt water. As soon as you would start to squirt the water out of the hippo she would stick out her tongue so the stream of water could hit it. It was so funny.I knew when I was pregnant with Rigg that a lot of small things would be difficult for us once he was born. Not because of Rigg. Because we had such wonderful memories attached to the small things with Caden. Like bottle feeding on Sunday mornings, or baby Einstein video's...or bath time.
Bath time seemed the hardest hurdle for Andy to jump. It was not because he didn't want to be involved in giving his son a bath...it just brought up so many memories of his precious baby girl. It was a struggle. Since Rigg's birth I have been the bath giver. I have patiently waited for God to heal the Captain's heart. I have prayed that Andy would start to help more and more with bath time and by doing so build up more wonderful memories of bath time with his son.
Just this past Tuesday night I asked the Captain to help with bath time. He agreed. He usually helps prep, and cleanup...but rarely stays for the sudsing and cleaning portion of the bath. This time he lingered in the bath room while Rigg was in the tub. We had such a great time...and took a video just to prove it.
It is wonderful to see Gods hand heal our hearts in the little things. For in the little things, big memories are made. Maybe that is why the little things leave such big hurts when they are gone.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A boy and his exersaucer
What boy doesn't love his exersaucer? It is useful for so many things such as...
standing up like a big boy
or chewing on your fingers,
making scrunch faces,
or pleasant faces,
or "hey whatcha think you're doin'?" faces,
he has the ability to drool uninhibited,
but mostly a boy loves his exersaucer because it makes him
SMILE!
Oh, OK...one more.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Happy Birthday to the Captain
Today is the Captain's birthday!!
I am not so bold as to proclaim the captains age...but I do wish to wish him a very happy day, indeed!
As most of you already know the Captain is a most wonderful man and an even better husband...I have already eluded to his more admirable qualities here and here.
So in honor of his special day...enjoy a few pics of the man who has been such an inspiration...
And with a smile like that, how can you not love him?
Friday, October 23, 2009
Lost and Found
I do not suppose it was ever lost.
I mean I had it here all along.
Hidden is a better description.
Found is completely accurate, however.
I was fine until viewing it. Then I was drawn in by the power of the memory. I remember that day...I remember that outfit. I remember...
I watched over and over again. Remembering. Haunted by the voice. Oh, those eyes...that smile. I remember now. It was not lost, the memory of her. Just hidden in the dark spaces of my mind, tucked away for days like today. Getting covered with the dust and cobwebs of thoughts, memories and new lessons learned since then.
But I found it today...and I remembered.
It reminded me how much I miss her. How much it still hurts. How much I long to be a whole family...to see that smile when she sees her brother, to hear that squeal coming from the next room, to see that delight on her face when I come in the room...
Lost is not the right word. She is not lost. She is right where God wants her, right where she is supposed to be.
Hidden from view, hidden in our hearts.
In her I found great joy. In her death I have found new facets of God and His character.
When my days on this earth are through I will find her in heaven.
There is much to look forward to.
(remember to pause the music at the bottom to hear the video)
I mean I had it here all along.
Hidden is a better description.
Found is completely accurate, however.
I was fine until viewing it. Then I was drawn in by the power of the memory. I remember that day...I remember that outfit. I remember...
I watched over and over again. Remembering. Haunted by the voice. Oh, those eyes...that smile. I remember now. It was not lost, the memory of her. Just hidden in the dark spaces of my mind, tucked away for days like today. Getting covered with the dust and cobwebs of thoughts, memories and new lessons learned since then.
But I found it today...and I remembered.
It reminded me how much I miss her. How much it still hurts. How much I long to be a whole family...to see that smile when she sees her brother, to hear that squeal coming from the next room, to see that delight on her face when I come in the room...
Lost is not the right word. She is not lost. She is right where God wants her, right where she is supposed to be.
Hidden from view, hidden in our hearts.
In her I found great joy. In her death I have found new facets of God and His character.
When my days on this earth are through I will find her in heaven.
There is much to look forward to.
(remember to pause the music at the bottom to hear the video)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
4 months
Rigg, you turned 4 months old yesterday.
You might like me to share some fun facts about this time...because, let's face it, you probably won't remember if I don't tell ya...
You have really grown into your name...Big Rigg suites you well...because, buddy, you are HUGE!! You are wearing 6-9 month clothes...and mostly 9 months. You weigh close to 17 lbs and are about 27-28 inches long. We won't find out the official weight and length until your Dr. apt on the 2nd of November.
You are playing with toys and trying to stuff them into your mouth...not always an easy task when you can't control your hands 100% or find your mouth all the time...but you are working on it!
You love to chew on your hands...it make gross slurpy sounds and produces LOTS of drool, but it makes you happy...so gum on, my son.
You are learning to share. You and your cousin Baylor enjoy the same toys from time to time. You even are starting to notice one another!
You enjoy watching Baylor crawl and cruise around...as well as your dog Bo. He always makes you smile.
You and Baylor even enjoy the occasional shared nap.
You recently spent some time with your Aunt Sara...you smiled and laughed a lot for her.
Your Aunt Elizabeth chatted you up the other day...you can see by the look on your face that you were pondering deep issues with her.
You love to sit up...you are getting really good at your bumbo seat and you sat int he exersaucer for the first time the other day...you were in color and toy overload...You are smiling all the time and you have an infectious laugh.
You daddy and I are so happy you are here. I squeeze you to pieces almost hourly...and you just look at me with the classic "Rigg furrowed brow" as if to say 'Mamma, do we have to do this again, already?'
To which my response forever will be...yes my darling boy...again. And you better buck up...because another round is coming up soon!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Coming
This afternoon I have been a mess of tears.
I miss her today...like I do everyday.
Today it makes my heart ache, my arms heavy with the loss of her, my eyes red and bloodshot from the copious tears I cannot stop.
I sat on the couch while the babies slept peacefully. I sat and listened to hymns. I sat and let my heart hear the words of others who had been through hurt. Of others who had seen God work miracles in their lives. I sat and cried as I thought of all the wonderful things He has shown me...and how I still want her back.
Great is thy faithfulness. Thou changest not, thy compassion's they fail not...as thou hast been, thou forever will be.
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say.
It is well with my soul.
I sat in the car the other day. Andy was driving Rigg and I home from somewhere. I do not remember where we were coming from, or what we had been doing...we were listening to the radio and a song was playing...I do not even remember the song...it was talking about Heaven and how this earth is temporary.
And I felt it.
It was wonderful...freeing.
I will never forget the feeling, or the impression it made.
It was so real.
So real.
I thought, this world...this ugly, sinful, wreck of a world...it is just a shadow of what is to come...and it is so fleeting.
I was tired, I was hungry, I was sad...and I thought all of that is going to be no more.
And it was real...Heaven was real...
She is there. In Heaven. Where I will be...It was real. This world is passing away...and I felt it.
Today I miss her...but I remember the head knowledge becoming heart knowledge to me the other day...Heaven becoming real and a desire...and though I ache, though I hurt....though I cry and call out for comfort...it is only temporary.
Heaven is coming...Jesus is coming
I am ready.
I miss her today...like I do everyday.
Today it makes my heart ache, my arms heavy with the loss of her, my eyes red and bloodshot from the copious tears I cannot stop.
I sat on the couch while the babies slept peacefully. I sat and listened to hymns. I sat and let my heart hear the words of others who had been through hurt. Of others who had seen God work miracles in their lives. I sat and cried as I thought of all the wonderful things He has shown me...and how I still want her back.
Great is thy faithfulness. Thou changest not, thy compassion's they fail not...as thou hast been, thou forever will be.
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say.
It is well with my soul.
I sat in the car the other day. Andy was driving Rigg and I home from somewhere. I do not remember where we were coming from, or what we had been doing...we were listening to the radio and a song was playing...I do not even remember the song...it was talking about Heaven and how this earth is temporary.
And I felt it.
It was wonderful...freeing.
I will never forget the feeling, or the impression it made.
It was so real.
So real.
I thought, this world...this ugly, sinful, wreck of a world...it is just a shadow of what is to come...and it is so fleeting.
I was tired, I was hungry, I was sad...and I thought all of that is going to be no more.
And it was real...Heaven was real...
She is there. In Heaven. Where I will be...It was real. This world is passing away...and I felt it.
Today I miss her...but I remember the head knowledge becoming heart knowledge to me the other day...Heaven becoming real and a desire...and though I ache, though I hurt....though I cry and call out for comfort...it is only temporary.
Heaven is coming...Jesus is coming
I am ready.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
slightly depressing
It is slightly depressing to be sorting through photos and come across one with a girl you do not recognize...just to realize that the cute, pudgy girl in said photo is you...
I added the "cute" part just to make me feel better about my pudginess.
Well, at least the photo wall behind our couch now reflects that we do indeed have 2 children. Thank you!
I added the "cute" part just to make me feel better about my pudginess.
Well, at least the photo wall behind our couch now reflects that we do indeed have 2 children. Thank you!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
both
my very close friend Cristi writes for an online magazine...she interviewed me about Caden. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. You can read the article here. I answered all of her questions but gave her complete freedom to speak for me. She has been there every step of the way...and has known me since 8Th grade...so I trust her with my words.
________________________________________
Saturday
Sunny
Beautiful
slept in, had coffee....slowly slipped into the sadness.
I stayed away from the computer for most of the day yesterday. Not that I was too busy...just didn't feel the need to check the mail or the blogs...So this morning I decided to check and see if I missed anything.
I was scrolling through blogs and came across one from a friend. Her little girl is beautiful and is only a few months older than Caden. Many times she makes me think what I would be doing right now if Caden were still here...this morning looking at the pictures of her little girl, I started crying. I was surprised when the tears started to flow. Now, I should have been expecting them, it has been far to long since I cried.
Just seeing those pictures, and that sweet face ... all the things I will never have with Caden flew through my mind. All the pin,k frilly, girly things that mamma's crave. Gone.
When you are pregnant you dream about those things, the dresses, the ponytails, the dancing and singing...all little by little you get excited about what you will be able to share and teach this little life. And then before you can catch you breath...all those dreams are shattered.
Some days I walk around and see pieces of the shattered dream reflected off of others. Other little faces, other mammas...
I remember right after she was gone I kept thinking to my self that I never got to do her hair. I think I was looking forward to it more than I realized...the barrettes, the ponytails, the pigtails...all the ribbons, the curls...just the girlyness of it all. A time that she and I would spend together, because believe you me...the captain, a hair dresser he is not!
I never got that with her...
I have often wondered in Heaven if I will be able to play with her hair.
I hope so.
I have been learning what it is like to enjoy all things boy...the blue, the cars, the trucks, the sports...and I do. I love Rigg more than words can say. I hug him tight and try with all my might to kiss the cheeks off his pudgy face everyday...to his dismay, I might add.
He is my son... I love him.
I just want them both.
________________________________________
Saturday
Sunny
Beautiful
slept in, had coffee....slowly slipped into the sadness.
I stayed away from the computer for most of the day yesterday. Not that I was too busy...just didn't feel the need to check the mail or the blogs...So this morning I decided to check and see if I missed anything.
I was scrolling through blogs and came across one from a friend. Her little girl is beautiful and is only a few months older than Caden. Many times she makes me think what I would be doing right now if Caden were still here...this morning looking at the pictures of her little girl, I started crying. I was surprised when the tears started to flow. Now, I should have been expecting them, it has been far to long since I cried.
Just seeing those pictures, and that sweet face ... all the things I will never have with Caden flew through my mind. All the pin,k frilly, girly things that mamma's crave. Gone.
When you are pregnant you dream about those things, the dresses, the ponytails, the dancing and singing...all little by little you get excited about what you will be able to share and teach this little life. And then before you can catch you breath...all those dreams are shattered.
Some days I walk around and see pieces of the shattered dream reflected off of others. Other little faces, other mammas...
I remember right after she was gone I kept thinking to my self that I never got to do her hair. I think I was looking forward to it more than I realized...the barrettes, the ponytails, the pigtails...all the ribbons, the curls...just the girlyness of it all. A time that she and I would spend together, because believe you me...the captain, a hair dresser he is not!
I never got that with her...
I have often wondered in Heaven if I will be able to play with her hair.
I hope so.
I have been learning what it is like to enjoy all things boy...the blue, the cars, the trucks, the sports...and I do. I love Rigg more than words can say. I hug him tight and try with all my might to kiss the cheeks off his pudgy face everyday...to his dismay, I might add.
He is my son... I love him.
I just want them both.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Faux Real?!?!?!
So I thought it was a good Idea...I thought I would be helping...
Well, Helping after we had a spot of fun, anyway.
He's only 2, so is it really that bad? He won't even remember...right?
After his nap I thought it would be fun to give him a mohawk...just a little gel. He loves it when you play with his hair...So we combed it and gelled it up...he liked looking at it in the mirror. He even came back to me several times to have me restyle it.
His hair was getting tish bit long...the mohawk kept falling over. His hair is so long because the boy is afraid of scissors...TERRIFIED, I tell you!!!
His mommy and I have tried a haircut before. WE had to practically hold him down and pray for a semi-even outcome.
Well, I had a brilliant plan. What if we sat him in front of the mirror and let him see what we are doing...then he could see the scissors and know that it didn't hurt....It was working!!! He was enjoying it!! His hair was getting cut!!
Brilliant!!!
Brilliant!!!
Brilliant!!!
It was the cutest darn thing ever...smallest, cutest darn little fauxhawk you ever did see. He was adorable...
that is until his mommy brushed his hair the way he normally wears it...
Lets just say that he will have to wear a fauxhawk for a few weeks until those pesky short bangs grow back out.
That, and aunt Cari might not be invited to play hairdresser anymore...
But he is only 2...
no real harm done.
just a little faux pas.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
not the norm
I caught a bit of nostalgia yesterday.
I went to the grocery store by myself and was free to think all the way there and back. I tried very hard to remember what life was like right after the Captain and I got married...boy is it hard. I suppose it is so difficult to remember things before your kids because they rock your world so much. It's hard to remember who we were before them. What I do remember is lots more sleep...more time hanging out with friends, who are now all married and moved away, and trying to enjoy each other and being married...
I do miss the sleep.
I came home, put the groceries away and started flipping through pictures. I came across the only picture that was taken of the Captain and I when he had his brain surgery...I can hardly remember the emotions of that week...I can remember happenings, but it is hard to remember what I was feeling.
With Caden, I remember emotions, feelings, and events...it is all so clear. With the surgery...it is mostly a blur.
Andy and I have talked about this. I think we were/are both still grieving Caden so much that it seemed like just a blip on our radar. And now, especially because he is just fine and dandy thankyouverymcuh, it is hard to really process it all.
It is a good thing I wrote about it at the time. I went back and read some of the posts around the tumor and the surgery...all those prayer requests answered...all those prayers. I was amazed and grateful all over again.
I watched the video of Andy ...how dazed and confused he looked...and I laughed. I told him and he laughed.
God is so wonderful and good...is He not?
I was thinking the past few weeks as everything has calmed down, "what do I do now?"
The past year has been rough, but it has also been amazing. I have seen God in ways I never imagined. I have been physically and emotionally "charged" for a whole year. Grief, joy, fear, exhaustion, what does a girl do now that it is starting to subside?
I feel like, well, I am not sure how I feel. I think I should be happy and grateful for the "normalcy" but what I think I feel is uncertainty.
Will I, without X, be as drawn to God? Will I still be able to be a witness? Will I search for Him to be my only source of strength when there is nothing to feel weak from?
I hope so...
But there is still that question...will I?
You would think after having so much "stuff" to deal with I would be happy and content with the calming of things...
A reminder...
Philippians 4:12
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Weird to have to be reminded that we should be content in happy and calm times...
what can I say...I am weird.
I went to the grocery store by myself and was free to think all the way there and back. I tried very hard to remember what life was like right after the Captain and I got married...boy is it hard. I suppose it is so difficult to remember things before your kids because they rock your world so much. It's hard to remember who we were before them. What I do remember is lots more sleep...more time hanging out with friends, who are now all married and moved away, and trying to enjoy each other and being married...
I do miss the sleep.
I came home, put the groceries away and started flipping through pictures. I came across the only picture that was taken of the Captain and I when he had his brain surgery...I can hardly remember the emotions of that week...I can remember happenings, but it is hard to remember what I was feeling.
With Caden, I remember emotions, feelings, and events...it is all so clear. With the surgery...it is mostly a blur.
Andy and I have talked about this. I think we were/are both still grieving Caden so much that it seemed like just a blip on our radar. And now, especially because he is just fine and dandy thankyouverymcuh, it is hard to really process it all.
It is a good thing I wrote about it at the time. I went back and read some of the posts around the tumor and the surgery...all those prayer requests answered...all those prayers. I was amazed and grateful all over again.
I watched the video of Andy ...how dazed and confused he looked...and I laughed. I told him and he laughed.
God is so wonderful and good...is He not?
I was thinking the past few weeks as everything has calmed down, "what do I do now?"
The past year has been rough, but it has also been amazing. I have seen God in ways I never imagined. I have been physically and emotionally "charged" for a whole year. Grief, joy, fear, exhaustion, what does a girl do now that it is starting to subside?
I feel like, well, I am not sure how I feel. I think I should be happy and grateful for the "normalcy" but what I think I feel is uncertainty.
Will I, without X, be as drawn to God? Will I still be able to be a witness? Will I search for Him to be my only source of strength when there is nothing to feel weak from?
I hope so...
But there is still that question...will I?
You would think after having so much "stuff" to deal with I would be happy and content with the calming of things...
A reminder...
Philippians 4:12
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Weird to have to be reminded that we should be content in happy and calm times...
what can I say...I am weird.
Friday, October 2, 2009
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