I caught a bit of nostalgia yesterday.
I went to the grocery store by myself and was free to think all the way there and back. I tried very hard to remember what life was like right after the Captain and I got married...boy is it hard. I suppose it is so difficult to remember things before your kids because they rock your world so much. It's hard to remember who we were before them. What I do remember is lots more sleep...more time hanging out with friends, who are now all married and moved away, and trying to enjoy each other and being married...
I do miss the sleep.
I came home, put the groceries away and started flipping through pictures. I came across the only picture that was taken of the Captain and I when he had his brain surgery...I can hardly remember the emotions of that week...I can remember happenings, but it is hard to remember what I was feeling.
With Caden, I remember emotions, feelings, and events...it is all so clear. With the surgery...it is mostly a blur.
Andy and I have talked about this. I think we were/are both still grieving Caden so much that it seemed like just a blip on our radar. And now, especially because he is just fine and dandy thankyouverymcuh, it is hard to really process it all.
It is a good thing I wrote about it at the time. I went back and read some of the posts around the tumor and the surgery...all those prayer requests answered...all those prayers. I was amazed and grateful all over again.
I watched the video of Andy ...how dazed and confused he looked...and I laughed. I told him and he laughed.
God is so wonderful and good...is He not?
I was thinking the past few weeks as everything has calmed down, "what do I do now?"
The past year has been rough, but it has also been amazing. I have seen God in ways I never imagined. I have been physically and emotionally "charged" for a whole year. Grief, joy, fear, exhaustion, what does a girl do now that it is starting to subside?
I feel like, well, I am not sure how I feel. I think I should be happy and grateful for the "normalcy" but what I think I feel is uncertainty.
Will I, without X, be as drawn to God? Will I still be able to be a witness? Will I search for Him to be my only source of strength when there is nothing to feel weak from?
I hope so...
But there is still that question...will I?
You would think after having so much "stuff" to deal with I would be happy and content with the calming of things...
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Weird to have to be reminded that we should be content in happy and calm times...
what can I say...I am weird.