Thursday, October 15, 2009


This afternoon I have been a mess of tears.

I miss her I do everyday.

Today it makes my heart ache, my arms heavy with the loss of her, my eyes red and bloodshot from the copious tears I cannot stop.

I sat on the couch while the babies slept peacefully. I sat and listened to hymns. I sat and let my heart hear the words of others who had been through hurt. Of others who had seen God work miracles in their lives. I sat and cried as I thought of all the wonderful things He has shown me...and how I still want her back.

Great is thy faithfulness. Thou changest not, thy compassion's they fail thou hast been, thou forever will be.

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say.
It is well with my soul.

I sat in the car the other day. Andy was driving Rigg and I home from somewhere. I do not remember where we were coming from, or what we had been doing...we were listening to the radio and a song was playing...I do not even remember the was talking about Heaven and how this earth is temporary.
And I felt it.
It was wonderful...freeing.
I will never forget the feeling, or the impression it made.
It was so real.
So real.
I thought, this world...this ugly, sinful, wreck of a is just a shadow of what is to come...and it is so fleeting.
I was tired, I was hungry, I was sad...and I thought all of that is going to be no more.
And it was real...Heaven was real...
She is there. In Heaven. Where I will be...It was real. This world is passing away...and I felt it.

Today I miss her...but I remember the head knowledge becoming heart knowledge to me the other day...Heaven becoming real and a desire...and though I ache, though I hurt....though I cry and call out for is only temporary.

Heaven is coming...Jesus is coming
I am ready.


Lindsay said...

I'm so ready too. To see Ayden's sweet face, and to meet little Caden and say, "I've heard so much about you!"

It can't come soon enough.

mel said...

I don't know how I found your blog, but I am glad I did. I having been sitting here reading through your posts and just weeping as I read. My heart breaks for you & I can't imagine what you have gone through/are going through. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my 2 girls, but that is nothing compared to what you have gone through (I posted my story of loss on my blog today) Know that I am praying for you as you continue this journey here on Earth. God IS being glorified through your life and through Caden's life. Thank you for sharing hope & truth on your blog. Caden & Riggs are lucky to have you as their mommy.


Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

When Daniel and I broke up in high school, I cried and cried and cried. I mean, sobbed. And during that time, I distinctly remember FEELING a physical hug - even though nobody was around. I know it was the arms of the Lord. And I have never forgotten how that felt. In fact, I'm tearing up about it just typing those words.

All that to say, those moments when the Lord is SO near to us, revealing truths to us in a way He hasn't done before....those moments and those feelings ARE unforgettable.

Lord, come quickly.

Rhonda said...

When I lost my daddy, the old hymn "Sweet By and By" gave me comfort. I can just picture him standing on the shore waiting for me to get there!

"There's a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way,
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore,
The melodious songs of the blest;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise,
For the glorious gift of His love,
And the blessings that hallow our days."

I can see sweet Caden on that shore, as well!

MH said...

i lit a candle for her on Friday at MOPS in honor of national pregnancy and loss day... I miss her too