Saturday, October 10, 2009

both

my very close friend Cristi writes for an online magazine...she interviewed me about Caden. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. You can read the article here. I answered all of her questions but gave her complete freedom to speak for me. She has been there every step of the way...and has known me since 8Th grade...so I trust her with my words.
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Saturday
Sunny
Beautiful

slept in, had coffee....slowly slipped into the sadness.

I stayed away from the computer for most of the day yesterday. Not that I was too busy...just didn't feel the need to check the mail or the blogs...So this morning I decided to check and see if I missed anything.

I was scrolling through blogs and came across one from a friend. Her little girl is beautiful and is only a few months older than Caden. Many times she makes me think what I would be doing right now if Caden were still here...this morning looking at the pictures of her little girl, I started crying. I was surprised when the tears started to flow. Now, I should have been expecting them, it has been far to long since I cried.
Just seeing those pictures, and that sweet face ... all the things I will never have with Caden flew through my mind. All the pin,k frilly, girly things that mamma's crave. Gone.

When you are pregnant you dream about those things, the dresses, the ponytails, the dancing and singing...all little by little you get excited about what you will be able to share and teach this little life. And then before you can catch you breath...all those dreams are shattered.

Some days I walk around and see pieces of the shattered dream reflected off of others. Other little faces, other mammas...

I remember right after she was gone I kept thinking to my self that I never got to do her hair. I think I was looking forward to it more than I realized...the barrettes, the ponytails, the pigtails...all the ribbons, the curls...just the girlyness of it all. A time that she and I would spend together, because believe you me...the captain, a hair dresser he is not!
I never got that with her...
I have often wondered in Heaven if I will be able to play with her hair.
I hope so.

I have been learning what it is like to enjoy all things boy...the blue, the cars, the trucks, the sports...and I do. I love Rigg more than words can say. I hug him tight and try with all my might to kiss the cheeks off his pudgy face everyday...to his dismay, I might add.
He is my son... I love him.

I just want them both.

3 comments:

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

Not that it would be the same, but perhaps the Lord will bless you with another little girl soon. One with whom you can giggle and laugh and braid hair and lose barrettes and install hair accessories and try not to burn with the curling iron.

And if not, boys are fun too. Plus, we have plenty of girls for you to borrow if you'd like to try out some new hairdo's.

Oh wait....flashback to your last blog post. Nevermind.

;)

Still praying for you often. I love you, Cari.

Katy said...

I was at Goodwill today just briefly browsing the baby stuff and came upon some pjs with boats all over them. A little label on the front said "Little Captain" and I thought of Rigg. :)

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Oh how this post made my heart hurt. I do feel guilty because I really often think, Cari would have had totally coordinated outfits for Miss Caden. I know you would have the most amazing outfits and hairbows, and Caden would have been the bell of the nursery and we all would have commented on her. I still remember you coordinating her pacifiers with her outfits as you do with Mr. Rigg. I know I don't comment that much but believe me you are never far from my thoughts and for me Caden will never be forgotten. I really do think of her often when I see Makenna. When you put the picture of her and Rigg close together I can't believe how much they do look like each other. Ugh, I hate it for you. I hope you will be able to play with her hair as well.
I Thessalonians 4:13-18
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.[b]
15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.