Sometimes

Sometimes things hit you when you least expect them. For me, these things usually revolve around Caden and missing her. Sometimes they are silly things, sometimes they are very real and meaningful.

I was taking the captain to go workout this evening...(yes folks, he is up and exercising, but not too hard he promises me) and I was thinking about my little cousin, whom I babysit. During one of his feedings today he only took half a bottle...this did not concern me, Caden did this often...but it got me remembering her. Those precious moments when I would feed her and she was too busy smiling and giggling to eat...how she would just gum the bottle and I would get frustrated, because I was thinking she needed to eat and not just play.

This was what was running through my head as the captain and I were hurtling down the interstate toward the workout center. This is what I was thinking about when I started to cry...to the captain, seemingly, out of nowhere. This is what I was thinking about as he grabbed my hand and asked if I was OK...yes, I replied as I was doing the shaky breath, ugly cry face. Do you miss Caden? He asked. Yeah...again me with the ugly cry face, shaky voice and tears now streaming down my cheeks. Silence followed, with us holding hands hurtling down the highway...

The sad stayed with me as I dropped him off, trying not to sound like a mother and tell him to be careful and not over-do it...so I just said...Love you. The sad lingered...so since I was already swimming in it...I went to the cemetery.

I never go.

That may sound strange to some of you. But in my mind...I know she is not there. It is just a big hunk of granite. Yet, I am her mama. I needed to go and be sad there for awhile. So I went. I wondered as I walked to her grave why I always go on very wet windy days...my shoes are always covered in mud for days after I go...I do not usually clean them, I just look at the mud and think of my baby...and how I hate the cemetery. I walked back to her grave and cried. I walked around her grave and cried. I stood and let the wind make a blasted mess of my hair...and I cried.

Sometimes I feel like I am clinging to the pieces of my life so tight that my arms go numb from the pain...I fear dropping a piece, even if that piece is gone already...it is just memories. I find myself holding tighter to Andy...I know I have to let it all go...God is in control not me...I know this...but sometimes my heart fails to follow on it's own.

Today was one of those sometimes.

It seems as of late it is the little things that get me...this is going to be a forever problem, I know. You cannot help when the memories hit. When they hit in the middle of laughter and suddenly your laughter turns to crying...like in Mary Poppins, when they are laughing on the ceiling having such a marvelous time...then Mary says it is time to leave and they all sink to the ground.

Sometimes I sink. Hard. Fast. Without warning.

Today was one of those sometimes.

After I could stand being by her grave no longer...I left and went to where else...Wal-Mart.

I bought fancy creamer for my de-caf coffee and fake self tanner...hey, I am a girl, buying things sometimes makes us feel better.

Sometimes.

Tuesdays of Praise

Just recently, and by that I mean about a month before "The Tumor" I had really started to take my prayer life seriously. Before, I prayed, just inconsistently, and usually only in need...mine or others. I began to be convicted of my lack of consistency and bad example to others. I also was convicted of the fact that a true disciple of Christ would want to talk to Him as much as possible...not just when I wanted or need to.

In the past month I have started a prayer journal...requests, then the date they were answered and how...I have also started meeting with an amazing woman once a week and praying for an hour...this is a HUGE step for me. I know it sounds lame to say (but I am SURE there are more of you out there like me) who can count on one hand how many times you have prayed for over an hour straight...Isn't it sad? What happened to the pray without ceasing...or the NEED for a savior, or the WANT to be close to Him? And here I am just living life, only going to Him sporadically...when I want.

The past few weeks have taught me even more about the power of prayer...and added to my already heavy conviction of my lack of use of that power.

I have seen how God has answered prayer...specific prayer.

I have seen how God has answered unspecific prayer.

I have seen God work in areas where there was no prayer given...at least by my knowledge.

He is teaching me so much about me...what I lack...where He is bigger...what I can never do...what He can do in the twinkling of an eye...

I have found that this is not the only area in which I lack...but this is the one I keep coming back to...the one I keep longing to grow in, the one I want to know more about, feel secure in. So I practice...and what better time to practice my prayer life than to have my husband undergo brain surgery!!! See how the Lord works?
OK Cari, you want a practical application section...POP QUIZ time...

Interestingly enough the prayer bone connects directly to the Faith bone. (how many of you did I get to sing the song in your head?!?!?) When we pray according to the will of God.
John 15:7 Says If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.
John 14:12-14 Says 12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
When we pray and do not know God's will...then we have hope, based upon the character of God and can rest in His sovereignty and love, knowing His plan and will are not only greater than ours...but the best.

Yet, what I struggle with the most about prayer is the PRAISE. I rush through the praise part to get to the this-is-what-I-need/want-God,-fix-it part...Do you?

I have been reading through the Psalms a lot lately...do you know how much praise to God those things belt out? A TON!!! Why am I not...why do I struggle? I should have so much to praise Him for I cannot shut up about it. Not just the blessings He has bestowed upon me...which is WAY more than I deserve...but praising Him for... HIM! Just being God should make me spew forth more praise and adoration than I can fathom. God alone inspires praise and honor, glory and power without giving me anything at all...just for being.

So...

I submit to you a challenge. Let us make Tuesdays a day of praise. Let us FOCUS our prayer time on Him...who is worthy of all our praise. Let us Praise Him to Him, to others, in quite...out loud. With verse, with song...with our actions....TUESDAYS OF PRAISE!!!

Are you up for it?

I will start...even though I am aware that it is still Monday...I am sure It will still "count" and I will repeat and make anew tomorrow....

Father, I praise You for Your awesome power...You have shown Yourself to me over and over this past year in new and amazing ways...Your power, sovereignty and holiness have been displayed in my life as never before...You are worthy of all my praise..my life, because you are Holy, you are the Great I Am.

If you care to join me, please do not just post a comment about how you will join me...praise God in your comment so others can read and benefit from our praise to Him...who alone is worthy!

Saturday...

At:

This is what I was doing.....

And there are more gone as of today...or last night...or both. Notice the prominence of the cookies as opposed to the bible...someone is going to have to work on her priorities.

On a different note...Andy is returning to work tomorrow...Please pray for his energy level. He has been getting tired easily just being at home. I know he will be exhausted after going back to work.

Another from the Captain

Why am I typing a post on a Friday night and not out enjoying myself with friends and a good meal you ask...well, because sometimes, we are boring like that. Tonight is just one of those nights. We have been vegging and roaming around the house most of the day...I took a nap, well, because Andy said he was tired. I stayed with him to keep him company for awhile. I awoke 2 hours later all by my lonesome just to find out Andy had done the dishes...again...and his QT and watched some FOX news and ESPN while I slept away the afternoon. LOVELY.

We have another video for y'all. The captain and I would like to say thanks for the continued prayer. He is living, breathing proof of what God can do...and of answered prayer. I asked him not to start the video with a picture of my belly...he complied. The clippity-cloppity noises you hear in the background are footy steps from our dog Bo. Please ignore.

(remember to pause the music at the bottom so you can hear the video)

So Andy is cleared for work on Monday!!! I feel like I should swing by the store and pick up some shiny new pencils, a new backpack and some too-white shoes for him...like a little boy going to his first day of school...I am a nerd!

He is just progressing right along! No more OT...a couple weeks of speech left. No more metal...on the outside of his head. Moving around like a champ and laughing and joking almost like his old self. I am So in love with this man.



He mentioned going to see the oncologist. It is basically an apt. just to gather info. If Andy's DNA sample from the tumor comes back the "type A" I mentioned before...he will most likely be put on chemo for a couple of months...the Dr. said this is more of a preemptive strike. If there are any cells of the tumor left, then they respond really well to chemo...that is all.

Well I hope you all have a great weekend! Thanks for the continued prayers. Soon we should have Rigg's room up and being put together...I will post pics when that starts...Also I have just realized the only pictures of my house I am posting to the Internet for the world to see are from my home office...the dirtiest, most unorganized room in our little home. I apologize that you have to view it this way...one day I will clean, pick up and organize...I have had a little much on my plate as of late to really worry about it...until I realized I was broadcasting my filth to the masses...sorry, masses.

I bought a new pack of vanilla Oreo's today...we will see how long they last!

All over the place

Today has been a day...not necessarily one for "the record books" but a day none the less. I have traveled an emotional roller coaster today. I am up, I am down, I am laughing, I am crying...I am stuck in the blasted thing because of all the ridiculously tasty cookies I have eaten...I mean really who would have guessed that the vanilla Oreo is so addictive?!?

Andy is doing well today, as he has been everyday, thank you very much. He got a super fun eye exam today...eyes dilated and the whole bit...he has some nifty glasses coming his way in about 7-10 business days...WhooHoo.

We go see the Neurosurgeon tomorrow morning to get the dreaded staples out. We have a few questions for him as well. We are still trying to find the right anti-seizure meds that will work for Andy...he has not had any seizures, so the ones he is on are working per se, but he is having mild side effects...ones a guy could live with, but the question remains...does he have to?
Some good news...Andy may have his sights set on his very last, that's right folks I said last, OT session on Thursday evening. His therapist said he does not see the need for Andy to continue...because he is advancing so quickly. The therapist is sending his new updated eval to the Dr. and with his permission...the captain can consider himself graduated!

In other news...I have been following some blogs (why I do this to myself, I will never know) that deal with babies in the hospital fighting for either their life or the privilege of a "normal" one...whatever that means. I have sat and cried over babies and families I have never, or possibly will ever, meet. As you might suspect I have quite a soft spot when it comes to the little ones. I hurt for the mommies of these little blessings...I know the hurt of losing a child. I wish that on no one.

I miss my baby.

I think the past couple of weeks have been so busy, so all-consuming of my mental facilities, which to be honest are at a laughable low, so Andy focused...that I have not had much time to continue my grief for Caden....I think I caught up to it today.

I realized today I am forgetting some of the things about her. Her smell, her soft cheek...the way it felt next to mine. What it felt like to hold her...She has been gone as long as she was here...soon her absence will be longer than her life.

I miss my baby.

As many of you know I am a BSFer ( Bible Study Fellowship). This year we have been studying the life of Moses. It has been a great study...even if Leviticus is right smack dab in the middle of it. I have been reading through Deuteronomy this week. It has me thinking about this past year. Well, the past 8 mo.s, really. What has God been teaching me? Have I learned from it? Am I going to remember...this is the greatest one for me, as I read Moses words to the Israelites...am I going to remember...
I have learned more than I can list here...or possibly even put into words. I am sure as I think about it longer, I will realize more than I have already. But what stands out the most is Gods power and His sovereignty. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that the God I worship and lay my life before, is the same God who sent down plagues upon Egypt and opened the Red Sea...The Power and might my God has is indescribable...so I will not try. I just sit and oogle at the God I serve, the powerful, mighty, lay-down-His-life-for-me Savior...amazing. His sovereignty is another thing I have learned more about this year...God does what God wills to do. He is in control, no matter what happens. He is never surprised, never taken off guard...never late, never not there. He Is.

But, will I remember?

Don't be silly you say...of course you will...look at all He has done these past 8 mo.s.

I say, let's not be so hasty here, people....Look at everything He did for the Israelites...and they forgot...They saw miracles, they heard Gods voice...all right in front of their faces...and they forgot...they did their own thing. They messed up. If it can happen to them, of all people, It can happen to me...If I am not careful.

I want to remember how God worked in the life and death of my daughter. I want to remember how God never let me fall. I want to remember how he cradled my husbands life in His hands and brought him through...I want to remember...So I write this blog...as a diary of sorts. To document the happenings of our life...and how God worked in it. So when people say, How do you know God is real? I can come back and say, have you heard the story of The Tumor? Caden? Have you heard what He has done for me?

I want to remember...So I pray, specifics, and see those specifics get answered...God is good.

I want to remember...So I read my bible and see what He has said He will do, and I claim those promises for myself...and watch Him do what He says He will do...God is powerful.

I want to remember...So God gave me friends, family, strangers to remind me when I am in need...God is gracious.

I want to remember...He gave me a husband who is a living, breathing example of what He can do...God is the Giver of all good things.

Now that I have taken you hither and beyond, up and down and all around on my roller coaster with me... I will sign off. Not without a THANK YOU for all the prayers. We covet them all.

And really...did ya'll know about the vanilla Oreo's?!?!?!?

I'll take non-malignant brain tumors for 300, Alex.

The news has finally arrived...well, most of it anyway.

The tumor is not malignant...PRAISE JESUS!

They cannot call it Benign either. Let me TRY to explain.

There is evidently a scale for these kind of things.

Benign.........in-between........Malignant

Andy is in the in-between. This means that although his type of tumor cannot be called benign, it is def. not malignant. His has the capacity to become malignant over time. This is not bad news...actually it is not new news. The doc informed us in the hospital that this is most likely the case for most low grade tumors...that although they are not malignant, the longer they grow and mature in the brain, the more likely to become malignant.

So, IT (the tumor) has been sent off for some special DNA testing. This test should come back in a week or so. Basically it will tell us one of 2 things...whether there is further "treatment" that needs to be done or not. If it comes back "type A" than they can give Andy some Chemo treatments to help kill any cells that might remain...and then watch him, well, forever, for regrowth. If it comes back "type B" then they do nothing and watch him forever for regrowth.

So, really this is not bad news...this really is not even new news. We knew he was going to have to be watched...by this I mean scheduled MRI's, EEG's and CT scans....for the rest of his life. The only difference is he might have to take a couple mo.'s of chemo, and if it grows back, it has the capacity to become malignant. ( I think I have said that about 400 times already in this post...sorry)

The tumor has been there for about a year. It's recurrence percentage is about 15%.

I am doing OK with the news, well, actually I am doing fine to good with the news. The Captain is a little disappointed. I have tried, once again, to be a cheerleader and let him know, that really, this is not bad news, and is not all that different from "the best news" one can hear after they have had a tumor dug out of their brain....we are on a good course. God has carried us this far...he is not about to plop us down in the middle of nowhere without some help or guidance. Eyes on the Savior...

Thanks for all the prayers. I promise to keep you updated.

I read that baby Stellan came through surgery! Keep praying for the little guy!

I should have done this earlier

Hey all.

I know so many of you have been praying for me and my family...we value those prayers more than you could ever know...

Now I ask you to pray for this little guy and his family.




He is in surgery right now. I have been praying for him,his docs and his family all morning...please do the same. if you want to catch up on his story .... go here...http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

God is listening...let us bring this precious baby boy and his family before the throne of grace this morning.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good

Today was a good day. Andy is feeling better, and we have been out and about all the live long day.

We dropped off paperwork at the Dr.'s office.

Went and got an ultrasound...baby Rigg is looking good and growing beautifully.

The captain attended his first speech therapy session and did superb. (Last Monday, before we went home from the hospital, the speech lady there made him run a gambit of tests to see where he was...this happened again today, but man, oh, man were the results different. Today he whizzed through some of the things that had stumped him last Monday. Some things are still a bit difficult, but if this is the difference one week makes...I can't wait til next Monday! )

Today is my mom's birthday...Happy Birthday MOM!!

I got an unexpected present from the sweetest people I do not even know. Made me tear up...Thank you, thank you, thank you!

God is answering prayers daily. Just by seeing the progress Andy has made this past week shows me the answer to God mending the pathways of Andy's mind...it is happening, people!

Just to prove I am telling the truth about my wonderful husband...a picture of him washing dishes for me last night...even brain surgery cannot keep a Godly man from serving his wife!

The bad

We have not yet heard anything about the biopsy. It was supposed to come in today...but still, we have to wait. So maybe tomorrow.

Andy is still frustrated and "foggy" as he puts it. This is the thing that bothers him the most. I did ask him if he is as frustrated as he was this time last week...the captain said..."nope"

No new pictures of Rigg because the little squirt had his arms planted firmly in front of his face...I hope this is not a glimpse of behavior to come.

I ate WAY too many cookies today.

I have not done laundry in days.

My favorite blue necklace broke today. I keep finding beads in weird places because it broke while I was wearing it.

The Ugly

I found new stretch marks!!! Really? Now? Sheesh!

Hodgepodge

Andy is doing great. I will get another video of him soon...So you can see for yourself, but until then, you'll have to take my word for it.

When he was in the hospital, and even now, I would do my best to try to encourage him about his improvements. You could tell he was frustrated, and wished that he was back to his normal self already, even though it had only been a day or two. This is still a normal occurrence at our house...me trying to be a cheerleader with the Captain rolling his eyes in frustration. The thing that came to mind the first time this happened was a certain scene in the movie The Princess Bride. When Fesick is praising Wesley for wiggling his finger and nodding his head after he has been mostly dead all day. I have attached the youtube video so you can see what I mean. Every time I think about it I snicker...I finally told Andy what was running through my mind. It made him smile, then we started quoting lines from the movie...you gotta love the Captain!

Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom so you can hear the movie.



In other news. I have had a Dr.s appointment. Baby Rigg looks, or rather sounds, great. I am measuring a little big, for all of you who want to know that kind of thing...you can tell just by looking, but the Doc said it, so that makes it official.

The Captain has had one OT (occupational therapy) session. It went very well. He passed many things with flying colors. He and his therapist will work on strength endurance mostly, as well as fine motor skills. He is doing great in the balance and strength in short spurts...An answered prayer!
We are getting him set up for his speech therapy and he should start that on Monday. We should also hear back about the tumor biopsy on Monday.
We have switched him off of one type of anti-seizure medication and onto another one, purely because the first was making him a tish bit cranky. The captain is not an agitated and cranky kind of guy, so we called the doc...the switch has been made, hopefully he will feel better soon.

Specific Prayer Requests...I know you were just waiting for more.
Andy's frustration level with the quickness of his recovery.
His attitude.
The tumor biopsy would come back begin.
Therapy would go well, and Andy would see improvement.
The med change would be a good thing.
All the pathways of the brain would reconnect themselves or the brain would make new ones, so the captain would feel more like himself.
There are a couple of bills/paperwork that have come in the past few days that are going to take a lot of phone time to straighten out...that we would have patience and it would get corrected and smoothed out with little difficulty. He/we do not really need the extra stressors.

Thanks, all, for the prayers. It means more than I can say. I LOVE getting comments. I am a comment watcher....I check all the time. I love the words of encouragement and thoughtful prayers you guys are sending up for us.
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

(Just in case you were wondering...Andy's favorite quote from The Princess Bride is, "Sleep well and dream of large women." gotta love it!)

Looking back

When we look back, things are so clear.

Nope, I should not have put my new jeans in the dryer...now 1 inch shorter than the fashion OK.
After painting the whole bath room...no, Andy, I am sorry this is just the wrong color.

Even the battles become clear after the dust settles and the screams subside.

The day Caden died we had a choice, looking back, to scream and rant and shake or fist at God, or to cling to our faith in Him and His character. Looking back we had a choice. At the time, I didn't feel like I did...there was only one choice...we chose God. I remember I kept saying over and over in my head, "God is Good. God doesn't change. He was good this morning...He is still good." I had to tell myself these things because they were and are true, but not necessarily how I was feeling.

I once had a very wise women say, if you can make God the center of small easy choices, than when it comes to the hard ones, God is the only answer. This is, I suppose, where Andy and I were the day Caden passed. We were already in the center of the storm with God.

It was hard, and days and weeks that followed were one faith based choice after another. We reminded each other of Gods word and who He is. We had to cling to what we knew to be true and not where our emotions would lead us.

It seems we are on a similar road today. The battles are up ahead, some behind, but we keep reminding each other who has won the war.
Each day this past week and a half has presented many occasions where either the Captain, or myself could have thrown up the white flag, we could have said, nope, I am tired, I have had enough. However, to be completely honest, I have not even felt the need to do so. I know in my head, this past week has been what would be defined as a "crisis" by many...but I have not felt like I am in one, or that I am in crisis mode. Most of this is due to all the prayers and Gods peace. Some of it, I think, is due to the fact that I have been in a "crisis" before and that time...I came out of it with severe wounds...in this battle, scratches and sleep deprivation...but I still have my Captain, and of course, my Shepherd.

I had a down day last week...I think I mentioned you were seeing me in a weak moment. At one point I was talking on the phone to my friend Stacey, and I remember saying " I am tired of it being me." That is still true. But I have since re-evaluated, as long as it is me...I will try not to complain.
You see, Andy was in the hospital over Easter. On Easter Sunday I sat next to his bed while he slept and read the crucifixion and resurrection story in all four gospels. I decided then, that if God himself would die for me...I would do anything for Him...give Him my daughter, let go of the Captain and bow to His decision of a brain tumor, let my unborn child rest in His hands, give my future to Him...whatever the cost.

It is still an every day, no, and every choice, battle. I have to remind myself what Gods word, His truth, and His will are.

He died for me... I will live for Him.