Blessed

I've been thinking...one more than one occasion, about the people God has placed in my life.

Now, first thing y'all should know is that I am NOT a deep thinker. I do not cast my line with a deep hook...I skim along the top. If by chance I do have deep thoughts, it is usually because someones drags me down to where they reside. I am more of a lily pad kinda girl...not so much the coral reefs. I am OK with this, I do think it is how God wired me. I am capable of following deep and thoughtful conversations, least you think I am too simple minded, I just do not live down in the depths on my own. I say all this to let you know, if you read my "deep thoughts" of the past few weeks and think...well, I already knew that!...I will not be offended.

So to my people...

I have been no less than amazed as of late the quality of persons God has blessed me with.
We can start with my husband and family...but the list grows in great number and great speed the longer I think.

My husband is, hands down, perfect for me and one of the greatest men I think has ever graced this earth. He is patient, kind and thoughtful. I could go on and on...but I will spare you. I was cleaning out the dresser yesterday and found more than 10 hand written love notes I have saved from him. Ahhh, I do love the man.

My family is outstanding. Not just my parents(which of course I love and admire and think are wonderful) but my in-laws. God has blessed me so much with such wonderful people to call family. I have seen a huge growth in the closeness of my family since Caden's passing. Not just Andy and my immediate family, but extended family as well, on both sides. I feel more a part of Andy's family and I have seen my extended family welcome and embrace Andy lately more than the previous years combined. This was a prayer of mine for awhile. God answers.

Thank you, Father. Thank you for Caden.

All of these people are blessings to me, but the thought that keeps haunting my mind these past weeks is the quality of friends God has given me. And the number. I am slightly overwhelmed when I think about it. I am blessed to have friends that have been in my life for more than 20 years...think about that folks...I am only 27. I think that is awesome. I have others that are fairly new on my radar screen, but I cannot imagine my life without them.

I think what has impacted me the most about these wonderful people is the love they have shown me. And for what? this is what is mind blowing...FOR WHAT? I have had friends, pray, cry, cook, clean, gift and all number of other things for me lately...and for what? This is what I cannot fully satisfy in my head. Now, I have no doormat complex, I know we are friends and I have done things for people before. But I am thinking of the way in which they do these things. The motive, and the manner behind the action. It is more than I could ever have asked for in friends. I am truly in awe when my friends not only cry with me...but for me ( when I am not crying!!!) When they mention specifics that they have been praying for, and it is not anything that I had asked or spoken...but really needed. When they hear a passing comment of mine about something we may need...and act on it.

I have come to one conclusion that is two-fold. If I am not worthy of this type of friendship (and I am not, but let us be real...who is?) It is Christ. Christ working through and loving me through my friends and fellow believers.
John 13:34 says this " 34"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

I know this same concept reaches to the cross. Where Jesus died in my place...for what? Because of Love. I am so undeserving. Of the cross, of His love. And, yet, through the love and actions of friends. I have seen and felt it daily, hourly.

Thank you. If you fit into a category I mentioned at the top. Thank you for loving Christ enough to love me. I am truly blessed.

If I may...my son

If I may, I would like to introduce you to...

My son. Rigg Allen Chastain.

We had an ultrasound last Tuesday. He weighs a little over 2 pounds and is right on track and doing well. Here are the most recent pics we have of him. I know I am his mama, but isn't he beautiful!?

the making of a boy bedroom

OK, folks, here it is. As previously promised, the "stuff" I have been hoarding for the baby's room.

But 1st. May I have the privilege of making an introduction. I feel I am safe to announce, since my husband has allowed me to purchase a wall decal with his name on it, our baby boy's name. So, because it is forever etched in orange vinyl, and my husband is freely using the name when referring to our son....Without further ado.

Rigg Allen Chastain's room.



this gives you a great view of all the junk I have been collecting
for Riggs room. It is slowly filling up my office.

These are the paint colors. The whole room will be taupe. I will then add a large

orange stripe about eye level. Inside the orange stripe we will
paint a small chocolate brown stripe.
Here is a stop sign (left over from my father's college years) and

some other cool signage.

We have also been tracking down some fun vintage license plates.

This is a cool sign I found along with a motor oil

can that has been turned into a trash can...Nifty!

Because I call Andy, Captain, I got Rigg a shirt so he can be a Captain too.

Andy and I think Rigg will be captain of the JV team since

his daddy is clearly the choice for varsity...I mean have you seen him

last is the bedding...rumpled and in need of ironing, but here it is!

I am planning on making a couple of big floor pillows, as well as get some fun colored canvas totes to hold things on the changing table. Along with the wall decal (that should be here any day!) and a few odds and ends. We are almost ready to put the room together. I will post more pictures when we finally get that going. What do you think?

My Monsters

When I was little I was terrified of the "monsters under my bed". I would run from my door and jump into my bed so they would not get me. They were very particular monsters, they would only eat body parts they were not covered by the blanket...all body parts except my head. So this left me with very little options really, everything was covered except my head, no matter how hot I was, or how much I would sweat.
Looking back, these were very silly fears, I mean we all know there are no monsters under the bed. And we know they most certainly do not chew on children's extremities that stick out from the covers...well maybe just the juiciest of toes. :)
Today my fears are much more mature. I have recently discovered that I am free from all kinds of anxiety if I shop for my new baby boy online. But if I go into a baby store, I see Caden everywhere. All the pretty baby girls clothes scream her name to me. I see her beautiful face above all the pretty pink collars of the dresses. I hear her laugh as I pass the girly toys. In these instances I take a huge breath and run for my life out of the store until I reach the fresh air...people usually stare, I must look like a famous person or something! :)
I find some fears more irrational. I get all kinds of looks and smile when I go out. Mothers who remember and think how sweet new life is look at my big 'O pregnant belly and cannot help but smile. More often than not I get questions about when I am due. In my head I start fighting a silent battle. I want these ladies to know that I am not a first time mom. I want to scream, " I am a mom, I have a daughter already!." Yet, I do not want to have to tell them she is gone. I do not want to see my sadness or their pity reflected in their eyes.
I dread running into someone I have not seen in years at the store.
I worry about what kind of Mom I will be the second time around.

I worry. I fear.

I hate it.

These days my fears seem a little more rational and just as real as the monsters under my childhood bed. Yet, I wonder in the years to come how silly they will seem when I can look back and see how God has already provided for them.

Psalm 46:2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God knows me. He knows my fears and my struggles. He knows where I lack, (and it is in oh, so many places, folks!) and where He is needed to fill the gaps. I need to rest in Him. (Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.") To trust in Him and in His character.

My monsters seem larger some days than others. Yet my God is bigger than them all.
I am striving on a daily basis, no hourly, to remember these truths from His word. I cannot do this on my own.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

When the sky falls in

I am writing from the state of New York. That's right, Internet, I am mini-vacationing. I have come here to visit my dear friend Julie and her husband Sherwin. They are SO much fun. I have had a great time here, and am sad to leave. But, alas, I cannot stay forever. I DO have a life back home...really, I do.
Since I have been here, I have discovered much. Firstly, I have weird luck.
Let me explain.
This past Friday, Julie had a work luncheon and had to go in for, oh.... 'bout 2 hours. So being the thoughtful friend that she is, she took me to a local mall to shop( I LOVE TO SHOP) while I waited. It was, as stated previously, around lunch time, so I went to the food court. (side note: this is kinda 2 stories in one)I DO NOT like to eat by myself. Maybe it is because I am such a people person, maybe I just dislike my own company, whichever it is...I still hate it. So,being the thoughtful wife I am, I called Andy. HIS PHONE WAS OFF!!!! OFF!!! Andy never turns his phone off. NEVER. Then I think...Andy is having a problem with his phone, I wonder if he knows...I MUST TELL HIM. So I send him a text message to his work email. 2 min later I get am auto-reply email saying "Andrew Chastain is out of the office Friday Feb. 27th. I will not be back until Monday March 2nd." Um, that is weird. He never told me he was taking off today...What is he doing? So I went to my logical next best bet...the guy who saw Andy last. Richard. So I call up Richard.
Me: hey Richard, where is my husband?
Richard: I have no idea.
Me: I do not believe you. You sound like you are not telling the truth.
Richard: I am being honest I have no idea where Andy is.
Me: Richard, you are not telling me the truth, but I see I am getting nowhere here,so we will talk about this later.
I try to call Andy again...phone off
Now being truly alone, and being ticked off at Richard,I finish my lunch....alone, and begin to walk the mall. I walk down one side, go into a few shops. I get to the middle of the mall. Here there is a Starbucks, with couches and chairs all around...filled with people ( this is important)
All of a sudden, I get smacked on the back of my head. HARD. Before I can figure out what happened about 3 people come over and ask if I am OK. I say, Sure, but what happened?

A 6 foot metal bar fell from the ceiling and hit me on the head. Pain, shock, a bump, and plaster down my shirt....ahh the shopping experience.
So I give a report to the security guy... "I am fine. No, really. No I am not bleeding. No I do not want to see a Dr. Yes, I know I am pregnant. No I am not from here. Yes I am refusing medical attention. No. Yes. I AM FINE. thank you"
I then scoop my dignity off the ground and walk away with my newly smashed head held high. As soon as I get around the corner...I call Andy. PHONE OFF!

AHHHHH!!!

I call Richard. He picks up, and hangs up. DEATH TO RICHARD! I call again. He picks up, and hangs up. HE WILL PAY!

I call my sister. Ask if she knows where Andy is....Nope. Oh yeah, the mall ceiling fell on my head" Cari, do you think you could have a concussion? I never thought of that... Did I do the right thing turning down the Dr.? Who do I ask....
Andy? UMMM (if you have been following at all) NO!
I think, my mom, (cringe inside, because I know she will flip out and demand I go to the hospital....OK, I will call and be breezy, I will be flippant...SHE IS NOT THERE!!!

AHHHHH

So I called Barb. She was there, gave me some good advise, told me Andy would surface at some point. made sure I was OK and let me go (slightly reluctantly) I will have you know I told Barb that Andy was up to something fishy. He is either doing something for me at home, or flying here.
So alone again. I went back to the place of the incident and sat down at the Starbucks to work on my bible study. Barb calls to check on me. I am fine. Andy FINALLY CALLS. He is very rushed and not listening....Finally I say. THE CEILING FELL ON MY HEAD! silence
Andy "what?" I told my story. I let him know I was fine. I asked where he was...
Andy: At a meeting.
What about the auto-reply?
Andy: Well, that is not right.
I think to myself, HE HAS TO SET THE AUTO REPLY HIMSELF! He has told me about it....I KNOW! I LISTEN!!
Andy: I gotta go, love you!
Bye. Where is he....my head hurts....what is he up to.
Julie gets there, I tell her what happened. She sees the ceiling, mouth hanging open, head shaking..."I leave you for 2 hours!" I tell her about Andy. She seems oddly unworried.
Turns out, when we get back to Julie and Sherwin's place...Andy is there. I love the man more that I can say. But the one time I need to reach him....

Richard we will talk when I get home.

drastic changes

I cut 7!!! inches off of my hair!

7!

7!

What do you think? (If you do not like it, kindly keep comments to yourself, thank you.)

the sorting

Last Thursday I sorted through Caden's clothes. I had many more boxes than I first anticipated. I think the final count was 9...9! Who knew? I guess a girl loves her clothes at any age. My friend Heather came over with her little girl. She was a tremendous help. We had everything sorted in just over an hour and a half.
One very touching story from it all (besides the fact that Heather brought Starbucks!) was how I was comforted by a 18 month old. I was sitting on the floor, crying pretty hard, clutching my beautiful baby girl's clothes and just remembering how she looked in them and how she smelled, when I look up and hear a little voice say " uh oh." Heather's little girl then walked over to me and put her baby finger on my check to point out my tears. She then gave me a hug and patted my back. After the hug, I was given a kiss. She then backed away and smiled at me, as if to say...there, all better. It was so precious and innocent, I think I might have cried harder. What a beautiful baby girl, and a memory I will cherish from that very hard day.

I found that I have a whole tub of things I can use for Baby Boy, so that was exciting. I also sorted things for a quilt I am having made. I put in all the clothes that I have a picture of Caden in, with the exception of a few items I kept as whole outfits, like the one she came home from the hospital in and her Easter outfit. These I put in a small white toy chest my Mother bought for us. I have filled it with Caden memorabilia and special keepsakes. This is also the place where the terribly beautiful hand mold and prints are now. (remember the ones that came with no warning?)
I feel a huge sense of relief getting these tasks done. I now feel like Caden is well taken care of and I no longer have to shuffle baby girl and boy stuff around the house finding a place for it all. Soon we will be getting Baby Boys room in order. I will post pics....I promise. I have already dragged Andy out to a few antique places looking for just the right decorations...(he actually likes the antique places, so don't feel too bad for him!)

life update

I must beg your forgiveness, Internet. I have been absent far too long to have any decent excuse that would be believable. So, I shall hang my head in shame and humbly say...I am sorry.

So without further ado, to those who have yet to hear the news. We are having a BOY!
Baby Boy Chastain (we do have a name we like, and if you see me in person, I will share, but because we have SO much time left until he is born, I will not announce it to cyberspace as of yet!) is doing well. He looks perfect, has 2 kidneys! and was very proud to show his mommy and daddy his boy parts in the ultrasound! I have been scheming on the nursery since we found out. Updates on that front when we get things in order.

How do I feel about a boy, you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest (which I always strive to do with you) I am not sure. I have no idea how to be excited for a boy. I have no frame of reference for a boy or little boy things. I am getting more and more excited about it. The full measure of my love and excitement probably will not be fully attained until I have him in my hot little hands and can peer into his precious little face. I am looking forward to that day. I know I already love him, not yet as much as my baby girl, but I do not yet know this young man the way I knew her. It will come, I know it will.

As for not having a girl...if I am honest with myself (again, which I always try to be, if not for your sake, at least for my own sanity.) I am not yet ready to give up the pink. I long for the girly things that I can no longer have. My heart aches for a baby girl...but not just any girl, my baby girl. I miss her so much it hurts.

There is freedom in God choosing for us. I know his choice is what is best for Andy and I and I am resting in His decision in a son for us. So even though I do not know, I know God does. This is enough for me.

Caden's death certificate came last week. I was the completely unsuspecting person gathering the mail. When I saw it, I cried. Hard. Cause of death had a lot of big medical words all strung together with the meaning of they do not know. So we still have no hard and fast answer. A seizure killed my daughter...but they do not know what caused it or why. This is a hard pill to swallow, sometimes we just want answers...this time we are left with so many questions.

God knows.

Later this week a friend of mine is coming over and we are going through Caden's clothes. I am picking out my favorites and having a quilt made. I know this will be hard, but it needs to be done. I have put off a lot of these tasks because I wanted to give myself some time. Now is the time. I do not want to wait until I have a baby to go through my 1st baby's things. I feel strongly that I need to get this done 1st, before I get ready for a baby boy. I am so thankful to my friend for her time and help with this. I do not think I could do it on my own, nor do I even want to try. This shouldn't be something any mother ever has to do. When you sort through clothes it should be because your child grew out of them, not because the clothes are one of the only tangible memories you have left. Thursday will be a hard day.

Thanks to everyone who left such sweet messages on my last post. I praise God for blessing us with friends and family who love and care for us so much. You are a blessing to us. So, Thank you.

I hope to have some pics of Baby Boy scanned in soon. Then you can all rejoice with us!
Until then...

in honor of my daughter

In honor of my daughter, Caden Joelle Chastain, who would have been one today, Andy and I would like you to remember her with us. Our dear friend, Richard, spent some time making a beautiful video of her for us. Please watch it. As you do, remember. Remember what God has done. Remember His mighty works through her life and death. Remember the words Andy and I have said.
Remember Caden. The light of our lives and joy of our hearts.

(Please remember to pause the music at the bottom of the page to hear the music on the video.)





Wasn't she beautiful?

Requests

This week has been a bit harder than I first anticipated. And to be completely honest, which I always strive to do, I thought it was going to be pretty hard. The tears are just beneath the surface if someone asks about Caden's birthday and/or how we are doing. I have had people ask what we are going to do...our answer...nothing. Andy and I just think that doing something would be too painful. So, we will try to act as if Saturday were any other Saturday. When, in all reality, it is our daughters would-be 1st birthday and, sadly, we and all of our friends and family are not getting together to celebrate and watch her eat a cupcake and laugh while the icing gets everywhere. You see, I have had the scenario planned out in my head for sometime. She was going to be beautiful and full of laughter.

And though she was those things while she was here, I have to remind myself, she was never meant to see her 1st birthday. God had other plans. For Caden. For Andy and me. For our families. We Know God is using our lives, as well as Caden's life and death in mighty ways. Yet, this week is hard. We miss our baby girl. Passing milestones without celebrating is heart wrenching. And, yet, we know God is good.

In the mist of my suffering, God has brought be a life to celebrate. Not instead of, but in addition to. My dear friend Stacey and her husband are expecting their 2nd child this week. Does anyone else see Gods hand? :) Did I mention it was a baby girl?


I ask 2 things of you this week. Please remember us in your prayers, specifically for this week and Saturday.
And for Stacey, as we all anxiously await the birth of a precious baby girl who, the Author of Life decided long ago, was meant for such a time as this.