Monday, March 16, 2009

My Monsters

When I was little I was terrified of the "monsters under my bed". I would run from my door and jump into my bed so they would not get me. They were very particular monsters, they would only eat body parts they were not covered by the blanket...all body parts except my head. So this left me with very little options really, everything was covered except my head, no matter how hot I was, or how much I would sweat.
Looking back, these were very silly fears, I mean we all know there are no monsters under the bed. And we know they most certainly do not chew on children's extremities that stick out from the covers...well maybe just the juiciest of toes. :)
Today my fears are much more mature. I have recently discovered that I am free from all kinds of anxiety if I shop for my new baby boy online. But if I go into a baby store, I see Caden everywhere. All the pretty baby girls clothes scream her name to me. I see her beautiful face above all the pretty pink collars of the dresses. I hear her laugh as I pass the girly toys. In these instances I take a huge breath and run for my life out of the store until I reach the fresh air...people usually stare, I must look like a famous person or something! :)
I find some fears more irrational. I get all kinds of looks and smile when I go out. Mothers who remember and think how sweet new life is look at my big 'O pregnant belly and cannot help but smile. More often than not I get questions about when I am due. In my head I start fighting a silent battle. I want these ladies to know that I am not a first time mom. I want to scream, " I am a mom, I have a daughter already!." Yet, I do not want to have to tell them she is gone. I do not want to see my sadness or their pity reflected in their eyes.
I dread running into someone I have not seen in years at the store.
I worry about what kind of Mom I will be the second time around.

I worry. I fear.

I hate it.

These days my fears seem a little more rational and just as real as the monsters under my childhood bed. Yet, I wonder in the years to come how silly they will seem when I can look back and see how God has already provided for them.

Psalm 46:2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God knows me. He knows my fears and my struggles. He knows where I lack, (and it is in oh, so many places, folks!) and where He is needed to fill the gaps. I need to rest in Him. (Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.") To trust in Him and in His character.

My monsters seem larger some days than others. Yet my God is bigger than them all.
I am striving on a daily basis, no hourly, to remember these truths from His word. I cannot do this on my own.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

4 comments:

Heidi Stone said...

I recently heard that the phrase "Fear not!" is the most commonly used phrase in the Bible.

Was that in Sunday School? Lol. If so, I'm sure you heard it too.

All of us here know that you have already been a 1st time mommy and that you will be a great 2nd time mommy too! :)

Grandma Barb said...

I'm thinking this is the grief monster lurking under your bed, hopefully he'll quit taking such big bites!! Love you, let me know if I need to check under the bed every now and then.

Heather said...

Cari,
As they say in Veggie Tales, God is bigger than the boggyman! I'm so glad that you know that! My prayers are with you. And as it has been said before...we know you're not a first time mom, and I agree with the others that you will continue to be a great mom when this sweet little boy is born! As for the shopping...online is best...you can do it in your jammies and not have to carry the packages!

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

I have absolutely no doubt what kind of mom you will be - you will be most wonderful just as you were with Caden. The biggest difference is that you will have to duck when changing diapers unless you want to get sprayed - just warning you. I know as a mom that most mom's fear just what you have went through. I know you are an encouragement to many who struggle with the same fears that you have!