I had a small revelation a few days ago. Small but significant.
I was on my way to bible study, listening to the radio. I was enjoying my time alone… allowing my mind to wander hither and yon, when the song Homesick by MercyMe started to play. I have heard this song more times then I can count… but something about it struck a cord this time. Maybe it was the silent car, maybe it was the fact that I can think like a sane person when I have no kids in close proximity, maybe it was my uber cool earrings bouncing the sound to my ear drum with super-fine clarity, maybe it was God nudging me forward… whatever it was, it was a new thought.
The song starts off with the line “You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you”
I was singing along, because I am awesome at car concerts… and then I just stopped, and I wondered,
"Have I really ever rejoiced for Caden? "
The past couple of years I have read a lot about Heaven. Since Caden died, I find myself not only absorbing the realness of Heaven, but truly anticipating and looking forward to Christ's return and eternity in Heaven with Him... with my Caden.
I think much of my longing to learn and know more about Heaven and eternity stems from a great yearning to sooth my hurt and throbbing soul. Missing my baby girl and wanting her here fills my mind and urges me to find comfort for the ache. Knowing where she is and what I have to look forward to, understanding there is an end to this life and a better, unending existence with her is like the sunrise after a long dark night... providing Hope and calm. Restoring faith for trials ahead, trust for the storms that are to come.
God has blessed me with a peace and comfort about Caden's death. Do not get me wrong.. I did not want it, I am not happy about the fact that she is gone. But... since God has chosen this road for us, I have learned to be content with His choice. It was not my plan, but I choose (sometimes multiple times each min.) to rest in Him, His will, His choice, His plan.
But peace and comfort given to me are very different then rejoicing for her.
It is gently but firmly dawning on me that if I truly believe Heaven is a better place. Well, that is an understatement...it is the BEST place... if I truly believe that, then I should be rejoicing that she is there...
not selfishly wanting her here... because that is what that is, selfish...her here just for me, to make me feel better. If I truly love her, and I do, with all of me, then I want what is best for her... not what would make me happy. And what is best for my Caden is Heaven.
All this is still slowly, gently weaving its way into my heart,
and bit by little bit I am learning to rejoice.