Oh my goodness...yesterday I got to have lunch out like a real grown up person. I Know!!! You are just as stunned as I am right?! Andy watched Rigg...because he is off work on vacation (Andy not Rigg) and let me go have a leisurely lunch with my friend Mindy.
It. was. fabulous!
2 whole hours of uninterrupted conversation. We got to finish one…or two. I cannot remember the last time that happened. Again…It. was. fabulous!
I was telling her how hard it was having Rigg sick this past week or so. If I am honest…and I always try to be honest…it was harder having Rigg sick then it was when Andy was in the hospital for his surgery. Sounds a bit off, doesn’t it? I think it is because I knew I had no control what-so-ever over Andy or the outcome of his brain surgery…and with Rigg, I feel like because he is here and I am his mom, I should be able to make it better. That and having to re-live a baby with a fever was no fun. ( Rigg is doing much better now…and because of that, so are his parents…I might even be considered legally sane again in just a few short days!)
When Rigg was his worst…a fever, a nasty cough, that, if let alone, would become hard and deep enough he would gag and then puke…I was a total mess. It was such a struggle for me to give him and his health…his life, to God. To trust God enough to give Rigg over. I wanted to hold on, I wanted that control…and I had no power over his sickness. I was helpless at the wheel, yet still gripping it and refusing to let go and give control to the One who could steer us out of trouble. It seems crazy, after all the Captain and I have been through, to not be able to give it up to God. There were times when I would pray and say God take this worry and fear away, and then 3 seconds later I was having to pray the same thing again. Every second of every day was a battle over my thoughts and emotions. I wanted God to have it…but I kept taking it back. I was so tired. Physically because of lack of sleep, and mentally for the tug-of-war I was playing with God.
I know better…but at times, I would almost try and bargain with Him… I would start a sentence in my head…God, if you just make him better, get him through this, then I… I would what exactly? What are you playing at, Cari?
God is not a God of games and manipulation. He is not standing over me with a wicked smile on His face waiting on me to crack…He wants me to succeed, He wants me to trust Him and rest in Hs character, which, the last time I checked…was all it claims to be. I have never found Him wanting…
I shared all of this with my friend. She shared with me that the was listening to a sermon recently and it brought up a similar thread. Moses asked God to show him His glory. (Ex. 33:18) Which is a huge thing to ask…and in the sermon the lady said, do you now why we do not ask this same thing from God? Because we believe a lie from Satan. We believe that if we ask God to show us and demonstrate His glory in our lives that it will be too much of a risk…it will cost us too much…God will demand more then we can give or want to let go of. Do you see the lie friends? God is a God of goodness, love, compassion, and mercy. He does things for our good. Suffering is a part of this fallen world…but to the Christian, suffering is never wasted. God brings about the good…because that is who He is…He is goodness.
I have been thinking about that conversation all night…I need not wait for the “other shoe to fall”. I need only to rest in God, who I know Him to be. If I trust in God, His name, His character…then I do not need to be afraid.
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.