Friday, January 15, 2010


I am supposed to be cleaning my house. You see, we put our house up for sale and we have a showing tonight. And my house is most definitely not showable in its current state.

Yet, here I sit…

I am feeling sentimental today. Maybe it is lack of sleep, maybe it is hormones…maybe it is the fact that I am cleaning my house in order to help it sell, knowing full well that if it does, we will be leaving the only house Caden ever knew… the only house I have memories of her in.

Maybe it is the knowledge that in 9 days’ time she would have turned 2. I have no doubt that she would have been driving me crazy with requests for cake and squealing with delight at all of the undivided attention she would have received…the one thing the girl loved was attention…and squealing.

Some days the pain of a baby girl gone is debilitating, the memory of her is like salt on an open wound… other days her memory is a sweet reminder of Gods goodness and gifts. Most days anymore I can sit and think of her with a smile or a laugh. But, today… today it has me in tears, wishing I could hold her once more. To snuggle her soft baby cheek and kiss her silken baby hair. To hear her squeal like a tea kettle or chatter to herself as she plays.

In 9 days it will be Caden’s birthday. This year it lands on a Sunday. I am going to sing a song at church. I did last year as well. God has been faithful to the Captain and I. He has carried us through and comforted us in ways I could never have imagined. It is my hope to sing a song once a year around Caden’s birthday in honor of my daughter and in testimony of what God has done in our lives.

Please pray that I can hold it together and sing for Him…and honor her.


Penny said...

My grandbaby is 10 months and lives 3 hours away. I keep him about once a month for the weekend--- or up to a week or two during school holidays. (I teach.) Anyway, the void when he goes home is so hard and I miss him terribly and that's with knowing I'll see him again in four weeks. That doesn't even compare at all to your loss--- so I can't even begin to fathom the depths of your grief.
Caden is a beautiful baby, the pictures are adorable! When you get to Heaven, you won't ever have to put her down again. I know you are eagerly awaiting that day--- while still living presently for your adorable little boy.
I'm in the process of having to relocate and have much to do to make my house presentable to put on the market. I know how overwhelming you feel with that. This is also the only house we've had since grandkids starting coming 9 years ago. And the first house I've ever owned. But I'm sure God will open up something better--- for both of us.
God bless.

Christina said...

Your daughter is beautiful. Absolutely stunning. I can only imagine your heartbreak and how bittersweet each day is, feeling the grief yet knowing the comfort of her Maker.

You are far stronger than I will ever be and coming here to read your beautifully written words are a daily reminder to me of what is truly important.

Thanks for sharing your children with us.

Christina in Indiana

Rebekah said...

You will be on my heart and in my prayers as this week goes by. I pray that your song may touch the hearts of all those who hear and know that the God that gives and takes away can carry them through the difficulties of life just as He has carried you.
May you have a peace that passes all understanding.

Bethany said...

I couldn't remember Caden's birthday a few weeks ago so I looked it from last year. I have been praying for you and Andy as you remember and grieve your precious girl. You will be in my prayers and my heart in the coming days.