A bit about where we are

 

 

Sorry for the silence.

Life has been happening, and it is busy enough to blog about... but also busy enough that in my down time I don't want to think enough to process through a post.

So the blog... and my few readers suffer in silence.

 

Since my last post we have had an MRI.

 

I'll start this story about three or four weeks ago.

Andy has really been feeling poorly. He has been sleeping a lot. Not involving himself in much of anything. He has had trouble carrying on conversations, finding words... tracking what people are saying. I have seen a cognitive decline over the past few months. His energy is LOW. He complains of headaches and stomach pains almost daily.

 

So pretty much... just feeling terrible. It's been hard to watch the slow decline of his health. I find I am doing more myself, taking on more of the load. It's been pretty stressful.  I struggle to find the balance between wife and caretaker... of when to push him to do more...to try to motivate... and when to leave him be and let him rest.

 

So with all of that going on, both the Captain and I, along with other family and friends who have been witness to our lives over the past two months, thought there was some major tumor growth happening.

The morning of the MRI the Captain even said he fully expected bad news.

 

By the time the doc came in with the results, Andy was in the restroom. She waltzed right in and proclaimed that the MRI LOOKED GOOD!

I was stunned. Actually, I think I stared at her with my mouth agape for over a minute. She politely asked if I was expecting different news.

Uhhhh, yeah.

It was just amazing news. The swelling, that was so massive it was pushing the left hemisphere of his brain into his right hemisphere was almost all gone. The necrosis was healing itself and was almost gone... it really looked so much better. There is still a rim of tumor/necrosis in his tumor bed... but we are hoping the chemo and the trial drug he is on keeps regrowth at bay.

So we talked about how Andy was feeling. What drugs he was on, what we could change, tapper off of, get rid of... what we could be doing. 

 

So he has been tapering off a massive does of steroids the past two weeks... and adjusting other medications.

I have seen slight improvements. He is more active, not sleeping as much. Wanting to go out more, (he went to church the past two Sundays) doing more with the boys.

He is still complaining of headache and stomach pain. Still having trouble with memory and conversation... still very tired. But I keep reminding myself... he is still in the throws.... still taking chemo, still recovering from a couple months of some strong meds... he needs time to build strength.

 

I have struggled with this chapter of my life. This limbo of not knowing where the Captain's cancer is going, how long it will take... what to expect. I have had bad attitudes... hissy fits... moments of breakdown, feelings of being totally and completely overwhelmed. And at each instance God has granted me time to take a shaky breath and grab some perspective.

 

Some days I am just too close. I have been living too close to see the improvements... the good things... the glimpses God gives of "old Andy". I get so lost in the day... Making the boys breakfast, rushing Rigg to preschool, being a mommy, doing dishes, folding laundry... checking to make sure Andy took his meds... all his meds... at the proper time...I get so caught up in the "urgency of now" I forget to take a step back and see what God is doing.

 

Because He is still busy at work I my life... in my boy's... in the Captain's. He is doing something. He is stretching my faith... He is teaching me to loosen my grip and let go, again and again and again.

 

God has a plan, not just for Andy's cancer. He has a plan for this in-between time... this incredibly hard and trying season of my life has purpose. He is preparing me, teaching me....hopefully, despite my daily failures, using me to accomplish what only He can. He has the bigger picture. And I need the reminder, so often, that in Christ, nothing is wasted. God is/will be using this. All of my hard things. God has a purpose.

 

So as I struggle under the weight of being a mommy, taking care of a sick hubby, obedience in my heart attitude and my words and actions. As I try to live rightly and love my family... as I try to let go... If I can remember that God is building something with all of my life... building something I cannot see... building something glorious and wonderful so people will see Him... If I can remember that, it is easier to rest in Him, to press on with a joyful heart... not complain and be uber thankful for all that He has blessed me with. Because, really I have so much!

 

It's all about perspective...

And really, this life is so fleeting. when I think of how fast it can go... and how Heaven awaits, the load seems so light.

It will be over soon. And we will be with Christ and have rest and peace.

 

I can't wait!

 

This is a video that was passed along to me weeks ago. I have listened to this so often I might have worn YouTube out!

It is such a great reminder and such an encouragement to me.

 

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

 

 

 



Against all odds... I enjoyed the ocean

The Captain, the boys and I just got back from a trip. I say trip and not vacation... because we took the boys, which are still quite a bit of work... and work plus little to no real relaxation equals a trip and not a vacation.

 

We traveled by car to Hilton Head Island. Which is lovely... if you have never been... I highly recommend it. Blessed by the gift of a free place to stay for the week, and us with no previous engagements... made for an opportunity we couldn't have acquired on our own. It was super close to the beach so we were able to go at least once everyday... if not more. It was a bit cloudy and rainy.. but that didn't stop us. The boys loved playing in the sand and chasing the seagulls... so clouds and rain were of no consequence.

 

We did have a few obstacles in our way... Rigg and Ryder both had fevers for days. Rigg was so feverish and lethargic at one point I panicked (aided by a call to the physician on call back home) and took him to the ER... resulting in a very kind Dr. telling me he was sick... but had to other declarative symptoms... I would just have to watch him

 

 

He became right as rain the very next day.

Only for Ryder to fall victim to the ugly virus.

 

 

 

And then Ryder took it upon himself to up my stress level by bringing out his inner artist... and coloring on the wall... of a house owned by friends... who were kindly letting us stay for the week.

I think I still have a twitch.

 

The boys might have had a fever, but it did not stop them from playing  and enjoying the beach.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We were able to go with some close friends... which was a life saver for me.

With a husband who has very little energy, sick kids who seemed worse at night and needed lots of attention... having 2 extra sets of hands and two other kids for the boys to play with was such a blessing. Not to mention I love them like family and it was so fun to share memories...and 12 hour drives with them.

  Cristi and I have been friends since 8th grade, so it is fun to now share our families and kids with each other. I love that.

 

All too soon it was time to pack up and head home. They boys and I spent our last afternoon at the beach in hoodies and "real clothes" because of the drizzle. They built 900 sandcastles, or I should say Rigg built them... Ryder demolished them. They chased birds and looked for "treasure". I sat, watched them and soaked up the waves and the big, big, ocean for the last time. We said about 45 goodbyes to the waves, the ocean the sand and the birds... and then we went back to pack...

and then I got a fever

and didn't sleep.

 

But we got everything packed up and in the van.

The Captain was feeling well enough to help out with the drive back. Which was nice because I drove the whole way there... and with a fever driving for 12 hours by myself seemed daunting.

 

We got home, put the boys to bed and my parents and In-laws have saved the day(s) since.

I have had almost 2 whole days t recover from my vacation trip fever... whatever.

 

I am so glad we went. It was so much fun to show God's big, beautiful ocean to the boys for the first time. They loved it. I had a good time, despite life trying to get me down, and the last two days of resting have been really nice.

 

Maybe I should get sick more often.

 

Just kidding...kinda.

 

 



Caden's Heaven Day

 

5 years ago today my baby girl went to be with Jesus.

 

It was the most horrible experience I have ever lived through... watching her die.

 

But God has done amazing things through her brief life and her death. I can honestly say I am at peace with her being gone. That wasn't always the case. There were many months of heart wrenching grief... of tears, of trying to find balance and purpose in life again after she was gone. However, God has done so many good, awesome things since then... I have seen people turn back to Christ, I have seen others delve deeper into their faith, I have seen God work and bring peace and comfort not only to me and Andy... but to our families. I have seen others step out of their comfort zones to care for others... to care for me. I have seen the power of prayer come to life... I have seen God change my thinking.... mend my heart.

 

I struggled for a long time with how to address this day... the anniversary of a death.

 

I always felt sad celebrating her birthday after she was gone... it seemed wrong to celebrate when she wasn't here. I know that is a feeling and a decision that is very different for all families who have lost loved ones... but for me... it was too sad.

 

But as God healed my heart and gave me what I can only describe as a gift of a Heavenly perspective... The Captain and I decided we wanted to celebrate the day Caden cast off the burden of this life and ran into the loving arms of her Father.

We do it for us... but mostly we do it for our boys.

 

 

I want the boys to learn that, for a believer in Christ, death is not to be feared... it is not creepy or scary. For those who know Jesus, who have placed their faith in Him... death is a celebration. It is the day when they have finished the race and can finally rest in Jesus' arms. They are home.

And it is a beautiful thing.

I want my boys to have a good memory attached to their sister... not just the knowledge that she is dead.

 

So each year, on or as close to the day Caden went to Heaven, we send up floating lanterns. AS a way to honor her, thank God for her... but mostly to Thank God for sending His Son to die in our place, so we do not fear death.

 

 

This year our lanterns will be sent up a little late... The Captain, the boys and I are on vacation. We are dipping our toes in the ocean and feeling the sand underfoot. We are soaking up sun and family time.

And even though we are postponing  our lantern send-off... we are remembering our sweet, sweet girl.

 

Caden Joelle Chastain made me a mommy for the first time.

She taught me about selflessness, about love, about purpose... She brought joy and happiness and laughter into our home... and into our hearts.

And although we do not get to enjoy her sweet smile today... because of Jesus and all He has done we will get to for all eternity.

Here is last year's post about Caden's Heaven Day. 

 

striving to remember

 

My Mother is a saint.

She has taken my boys and watched them, played with them and entertained them for so many hours this week, just so I could get a few things done.

She deserves a parade.

 

I just give her hugs... doesn't seem like enough.

 

The past few weeks have been stressful. Some of it is just the normal life of a mother of young children, some of it is paperwork...endless paperwork and details, some of it is me, just realizing... comprehending...truly seeing that I am doing more and more by myself. Which in turn means the Captain is doing less and less.

Not because he doesn't want to... but because he can't.

 

I'm not sure what to contribute it to. Medication... swelling, necrosis, cancer, lack of motivation, a big hole in his brain that shouldn't be there... a  combination of all of the above.

He is very tired most of the time.

Sleeps many hours a day.

Doesn't really partake in conversations anymore.

And just over all doesn't feel well.

 

We have a doc appointment today. We get to see and chat with his oncologist and he will have a second infusion of a drug that is supposed to make him feel better.

It did not really help last time.

 

I find that each day I am just a inch away from tears. They might be tears of stress, the feeling of being overwhelmed, sadness, or anger and frustration... depending upon the minute of the day.

 

I think the weight of the past few months, and the reality of our situation has just hit me. Part of me thinks I was holding reality at arms length so I would not have to deal... another part of me knows there has been a physical and cognitive decline in my husband the past couple of months.

And it scares me.

It makes me sad.

 

I still do not know what God is doing, I do not know if this is a hard patch and with time, medication and rest the Captain will bounce back.( After his first brain surgery we had a period of two months where he had major trouble talking and forming sentences because his brain was forming new pathways for information... and he bounced back.)

 

Or if God is preparing us... stretching us, growing us for more hard that is to come.

 

I just don't know.

And it is so frustrating.

I keep thinking if I just knew what to prepare for, I could make it through this weird limbo/transition time with more energy...boldness...hope.

 

It's this in-between-ness that is so hard. The slow road, where each day you feel like your pack is a bit heavier than the day before... not sure if your destination leads to relief or sorrow.

I feel weary.

 

But God.

 

Two words that save the day... God uses others to comfort me. To care for me, To lift me up. He uses His word to sustain me, to bring peace and hope.

He reminds me of all that He has done... His faithfulness to me in my life... He whispers through His word...

 

remember

 

remember

 

remember who I am , remember what I have done, remember all I have promised.

Remember I love you, I am there before you are...I have a purpose for all of this.

 

Nothing is wasted, friends.

 

So even though each day feels heavy, my God continues to amaze me with rest He gives, the love He shows and the joy He restores.

And each day I am made aware of how little I deserve the Grace He gives.

Yet, He refuses to stop giving.

 

So today, I will strive to keep my focus on the One who brings the good... the one who promises peace and rest... the One who is faithful to the ends of eternity and brings me Joy.

 

Life can be hard, but we are never meant to walk it alone, carrying all the weight ourselves.

 

So for the 12th time already today I will "hand it over" and try to get lost in His goodness.

Today I will strive to remember.

 



Printed Joy

I can't believe how excited and (more than slightly) nervous I am to write this post.

 

I have been slaving away at a personal project for months and months... and months.

You get my drift... it's been awhile. And I'm (pretty sure) it's ready.

 

I have prayed for awhile now that God might provide a way for me to help out with our finances a bit. With a sick hubby and two young boys to raise... and hardly anything coming in, it's a struggle not to fret.

 

 So, in order to assist with our income... and have a bit of fun in the process, I started an etsy shop.

It is my desire to design and create cute, happy art that helps point us to Christ.

 

 

So without further ado, I present to you....

 

(drum roll....)

 

Printed Joy

 

www.etsy.com/shop/printedjoy

 

And because I am so kind, I will give you a few samples here to view!

 

You're welcome.

 

(Most prints are available in a variety of different color choices!)

 

 

 

This is just a small sample of what the shop holds. Right now I have over 30 prints ready and waiting to print and ship!

Please, head on over and check out my shop!!

 

www.etsy.com/shop/printedjoy

 

 

 

 



Playdates and preschool

As always, I am almost ashamed at how long it's been since I've put up a post.

No other reason than I've been spending days with the boys and nights with the Captain.

 

Sometimes you just need a break from all the extras in life.

That, and it was taking all I had to keep up on my housework and family. I have discovered that when life hands me stress, I strip my "to-do" list down to the bare essentials. I seem to cope better that way. It does not escape my attention that this blog was a tool used in processing and working through my grief after the death of Caden. I would enjoy nothing more than to sit down each morning with a cup of steaming coffee and type my thoughts and feelings about life and how God is walking me... us, through it all. However, when Caden died, she was our only child... and I was a stay at home mom... I had TIME. An element I lack in abundance during the course of this new trial.

One day, I may have the required amount of time and time management to write and express all that I wish... now does not seem to be that time.

 

However, God has been faithful to provide other joyful pastimes throughout my days. The boys are filled to the brim with energy and curiosity, the laundry still refuses to do itself and, of course, there is the Captain to spend time with.

 

 

 

 

 

Last week had the added pleasure of almost three whole days with out of town friends. New York and Chicago gave up some residents, and I welcomed them with much squealing of delight.

 

In college, over the course of 2 years, three other girls and myself all inhabited the same dorm room. Room #359. We, the #359 girls, have stayed close. I grew up with one... so when Julie comes home to visit family I steal her as much as possible. The other two I do not see as often, but Jennie and Michele are far from strangers.

I was thrilled to have Julie and Jennie, as well as their kiddos, in town for a few days. Michele was greatly missed, but having just birthed her third baby a few days prior... we let her off the hook. We are nice like that.

 

 

We trekked the kids to the park, had a picnic, to the Children's museum... well past naptime, had another outdoor meal while all the littles played in the water, We also went to the zoo and road the train and the roller coaster... and played in the water again. The kids had a blast, and the mommies tried to get as much catching up and important news relayed in between redirecting, disciplining and quieting our children. As you can imagine, there were many unfinished conversations....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although incredibly sad to see them go... the Captain and I had another big event to look forward to.

Rigg, the big 4 year old, started preschool.

I KNOW!!!

Crazy.

He was so ready. The Captain and I talked to him for weeks about school. trying to prepare him. Rigg is the kind of child that cannot be hurried or forced into anything, if it is not entirely his idea, or to his liking... it will not happen without a fit or many tears. We took him to back to school night, to meet the teacher night, showed him his classroom, his cubby, got him a new back pack... new shoes.  We talked up the big day as much as possible.

The night before I laid out his clothes and gave him a list for the next morning.

I told him that he was going to get up, eat breakfast, change clothes, brush his teeth, take a picture (had to put that in there or he would refuse) and then GO TO SCHOOL!!!

the last part was said with such enthusiasm on my part that strangers would have been excited to go to school.

On the first day Rigg woke up excited, breezed through his list of things to do and announced when it was picture time. I was beyond thrilled, because... it's Rigg, and although he is super sweet and delightful... he can pout and refuse with the best of them.

 

 

When we pulled up at the drop off at school, I told the principal, who was standing outside welcoming the kids, that Rigg might need help finding his classroom. He called over an older girl (6th grade maybe?) and asked her to walk Rigg to his class. Rigg hopped out of the van and jogged up to the door... entered the building not once looking back. He was ready.

 

I picked him up later that day. He was all smiles. However, when asked about his day he said "Mom! We just played, OK? (exasperated sigh)"

It was like interviewing a teenager.

-exasperated sigh-

 

Today was no different. He awoke excited, zoomed through his to-do list and demanded another picture. Funny boy.

We shall see if in three weeks he is still as stoked. -wink-

The Captain is slowly improving. Less fatigue, more energy, no headaches... no fevers. We pray the medicine is working and God is doing a miracle inside that lovely bald head!!!

An MRI is scheduled for September 5th, so we should know more then.

 

Andy was prayed over by the elders at church. It was a comforting moment. I do not know what God is doing. I do not know If He will choose to heal Andy and let us rejoice in His power and mercy, or if He will choose a different road and let us praise Him for His faithfulness and sovereignty and holiness. I do know that not a day of this trial, not a moment of this hard thing is wasted. God is using us to show others His faithfulness. He is using this circumstance to shape the Captain and myself... however uncomfortable that might be, into the people He wants us to be.

 

 

This cancer... no matter the outcome, is a work of God.

And it is not wasted... He will use this, my permission or not.

So I pray each day that I can let go... and let Him do what He wants done. 

No matter what.

 

*still... stupid cancer...*

The Captain took it better than me

Quite a lot has happened in the past week. I have been lazy in posting about it because I was... still am, slightly, emotionally comatose. (and tired, oh-so-very tired.)

 

It was a bit of a whirlwind that left me wiped out for a day or two.

 

*SPOILER ALERT!!!*

Last week we got some terrible news, 24 hours later we heard much better news that negated the horrible news we had heard the day before...

 

(I feel like if I don't share that right upfront someone might not read to the end and have bad information...)

 

Let me start at the beginning, shall I?

 

Last Tuesday I took the Captain in for his MRI. I was nervous. It had been almost 6 weeks of weird symptoms and a husband who hardly got out of bed. I would be lying if I said I was totally cool and whatever we found out was just fine. I KNOW God is in control, I know He has a plan and a purpose... I know that whatever He chooses for our lives is what is best.

I know all of that.

And I trust Him.

 

I was still scared to see the picture and hear the words.

 

Ignorance is bliss, folks.

 

 

We didn't have a super long wait for the MRI or the for seeing the doc right after. As soon as she came in I knew she was giving bad news... I saw it in the way she walked in, in the way she didn't  come right out and say "Everything looks fine." like she usually does, I saw it in her eyes.

 

And my heart sank a little.

 

When she pulled up the images from last month and compared them to the new ones... it was painfully obvious that something was wrong. The amount of swelling in the Captain's brain was overwhelming. Big blotches of foggy brightness... which in MRI speak is "something is amiss"

 

She pointed out the differences, brought attention to the swelling.. and then gave the bad news. The tumor was growing back... Here, here and here... ( I hear the genie from Aladdin "Here, here, here, here, anywhere! ") 

Andy was a rock. He nodded and took in all the information with a "OK, so what can we do now?"

All the time I was sitting with tears streaming down my face. Thinking, no... NO, this is not happening....

When a brain tumor, like Andy's, is active and starts to grow, there are only so many options. A drug trial is available. The doc says she has one patient that it works well for... they have been on it three years.

That is the biggest number we heard.

3 years is not long enough for me.

I was, in short... a hot mess.

I think I even muttered about "stupid cancer" under my breath once or twice.

Andy told the doc about Heaven.

He will have a better seat there, in Heaven.

 

The doc said she still had not received the final reading from the radiologist, but would first thing the next morning. Her office would call and set up a time for  Andy's first infusion of the new drug; she would also call me as soon as she heard from the radiologist with the official reading.

 

So we went home. Told our family, told our friends. I posted on FB and Instagram...

and then, like always, God worked through His people, used their words, their actions to lift us up and encourage us. He used their arms, their hands, their reminders of His promises to comfort us and love on us.

And by Tuesday night, I was not happy... but I had peace.

Because my God is bigger.

 

 

Wednesday is a blur. 

But as I was shopping with my mom and both the boys late in the day...I got a call.

 

It was the Captain's doctor. She apologized for calling later than expected. The radiologist had called her late, and after their conversation she wanted to go back through some of her patient records first...

According to the radiologist and the profusion reading, Andy's MRI was 100% negative for tumor activity!

What looked like new growth on the MRI was actually radiation necrosis. Which can cause swelling, look just like tumor growth and cause a myriad of other symptoms.

Basically the capillaries in the radiation site of Andy's brain are breaking down and leaky. This is not nothing, it is a serious matter and needs addressing... but it has a treatment and a much better outcome then rapid growth of a brain eating tumor. The doctor said the radiation Andy underwent, (proton therapy) is new-ish treatment (not widely available to everyone), and it also has a different pattern then standard of care radiation. Proton therapy can cause necrosis later then traditional radiation... she only had 3 or 4 patients that had presented with cases similar to Andy's... hence she thought it was tumor regrowth.

 

SO YEAH!!

 

 

The Captain immediately started on two medications to help with the necrosis and has another MRI scheduled for the 5th of September. He is still taking an oral steroid to help with the swelling.

 

After I got off the phone with the doctor I called Andy and told him the good news, and congratulated him on his non-tumor.

I then felt I needed to post to Instagram and FB as soon as possible so people who love us and were brokenhearted could praise with us and rejoice.

 

Well, that's my story... the roller-coaster of emotions that we road over a 24 hour period last week. I know it had it's purpose... getting the bad news. We all learned a little something...

mainly that Andy is a saint and I need work.

 

Thanks for your continued prayers. We still need them! For Andy and his necrosis and me and my sanity!

 



an update

The past couple of weeks have been rough ones.

The Captain is not well.

Remember when he was in the hospital a few weeks back? Well when he tapered off the steroids from that stay his symptoms came back... we then when to his oncologist, who thought he was not on antibiotics long enough. So he went back on a steroid and antibiotic for two weeks. As soon as he was done with the medications his symptoms of fever, bad headaches, chills and body aches came back.

He's been in bed almost constantly for over a week.

Poor Captain. And there is nothing I can do.

 

We have an MRI scheduled for Tuesday at 2:45. They are checking for inflammation, tumor activity...anything. Inflammation could mean an infection, amongst other things.

After the MRI, depending on what they discover he will then get a lumbar puncture, a brain biopsy or both. It could be as little/good as the tumor dying off rapidly or as big/bad as an infection or tumor regrowth.

So we might have a very big week ahead.

 

And I'm starting to feel the stress.

(A scene from The Princess Bride keeps running through my head. When Fred Savages Grandpa tells him "She does not get eaten by the eels at this time." Fred: What? Grandpa: I'm explaining this to you because you look nervous. Fred: I'm not nervous. Well, maybe I was a bit... concerned but that's not the same thing.")

 I would love to tell people "Oh, I'm not worried... God has everything under control. We will be fine! Just a little bump in the road."

And all that is TOTALLY TRUE!!!

But I'm not feeling it.

So I have to continually remind myself that all that is true... and repeat it over and over and over again to myself.

However, most of the time I'm being a mean, angry lady to my family because, really, I do not seem to be handling the past week well. I get caught up in all the whining, the tugging on me to do just what "they" (the boys) need the second they need it...because when you are 2 and 4 your life and your whims are URGENT!!! My House is a pit, and it is super hard to be here to check on Andy, but keep the boys busy and away from him while he rests.

BUT

Every time I start to feel overwhelmed. God has given me a break. He has brought calm when I have asked. He has brought to mind that my children, my life are gifts... blessing from Him and are to be cherished, not dealt with.

He has given me, in the midst of panic, worry and stress... peace, in the face of anger... calm, in the wake frustration perspective.

When I have been in need, God has always shown up.

He has been faithful.

 

I know this whole post sounds like me complaining...a lot. I'm just struggling a little in life at the moment. And I need to write this down so I can remember where I was. Because I know God is going to pick me up and bring me far from here. He is going to shine His Glory through this... and I want to be able to look back and see what a miraculous work he did.

So I need to highlight the lows... to make the highs reveal what they truly are...

Gods miracle.

 

 

She flew all the way from North Carolina and I fed her leftovers....

 

It is a bit surreal and kinda like a movie script... and yet it is the story of how I "met" and then IRL (in real life) met Lindsay.

 

Lindsay is a mama of three beautiful babies. Her firstborn, Ayden, is living in Heaven with Jesus.

And that is how we "met".

She and her husband lost Ayden almost a year after Caden died.

And by God's abundant grace and mercy she found my blog. Lindsay left a comment, I returned one on her blog.... and an unlikely friendship was born.

 

Now, as always, God knew what He was doing... Lindsay and I share much more than the knowledge of grief over a babe gone so soon. She and I love to read (the same books!) and we have the same movies memorized. We love coffee and sleep... and the same flavor cheesecake! (which is chocolate raspberry truffle, in case anyone was wanting to get me some cheesecake in the near future...)

 

Lindsay and I have chatted over the phone a few times, texted a lot and followed each other's lives by stalking the others blog. God united our hearts over the shared loss of a child, built a friendship during the long road of grief, and strengthened it over the past 4 years through Andy's battle with Cancer and the loss of her dad.

 

And then, Lindsay became super brave.

(she also is more blog efficient than I am and posted about her trip already....)

 

I received a text one day last winter/spring. She said she had asked for a ticket to Indy for her birthday... she was coming to visit!

 

BAM!

 

Life changing movie moment... I was finally going to meet my online friend.

 

(this was me on my way to pick her up... I was SUPER EXCITED!!! I might have peed 4 times before leaving the house!)

 

Ready or not... here she comes.... But I was crazy ready!! I had wanted to hug the stuffing outta that girl for years!

 

 

So on July 5th she made her way, with her ADORABLE daughter Charlotte, into my hug and into my home for a whole two days!

 

WE laughed, chatted watched movies, went shopping... and she was kind enough to eat all my leftovers. True friend! Although we did share a meal and a cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory!

 

 

The boys fell in love with Charlotte. Ryder keeps coming up to me even now and asking where baby Charlotte is! 

 

 

 

It took her awhile to get used to our dog, Bo, but when she finally stopped being terrified of him, Charlotte thought he was great!

 

 

 

God is truly an amazing God! It was as if I had known her all my life... she even saw me without my makeup... you know it's real then, people!

 

All too soon, it was time for her to go. I miss her and her southern twang!

Ayden's and Caden's deaths have done mighty works through the grace of God...

and my friendship with Lindsay is one of the awesome, life changing things God has granted me through this trial.

 

 

Lindsay, thanks for being brave and flying to hug me!

Love you!



So I married the Captain today... nine years ago.

Today the Captain and I have been married 9 years.

It is a bit hard to wrap my mind around. 9 years.

 

 

I am so blessed and thankful to have such a wonderful husband. He loves me more than I deserve.

 

We had plans to get away, just the Captain and me. A little road trip, a stay at a hotel... a warm dinner made and served by others, eaten without interruption or a tiny human crawling all over you.

But then the Captain started feeling poorly, same symptoms that put him in the hospital two weeks ago. So we had to cancel.

 

Don't feel too bad for me. My wonderful mother still took the kiddos all day yesterday and last night, so I had a whole day of sloth-like relaxation while Andy slept and tried to recover (the Doc called in and switched a med, hopefully relieving his discomfort and fever.... it worked OK yesterday afternoon and last night).

 

A very small part of me was disappointed at our last minute cancellation. A bigger part of me was not surprised. It seems lately we can't catch a break. I had a moment where I really just wanted to vent and complain... I wanted others to acknowledge just how sucky my life could be.

Then I took a breath and mustered up the energy to not act like I was 5 and prayed for a better attitude. God showed up. As He always does, with a proper perspective and a peace and contentment for my situation.

I've been telling myself for awhile, if God has given Andy the task of fighting stupid brain cancer, then it is my job to pick up the slack, to deal gracefully and lovingly with whatever my day brings. Whether that is parenting solo, running errands, chores, canceling really fun plans, or doing things that I just do not want to do. And if God has given me this job, this jack-of-all-trades-pick-up-the-slack-kind-of-job, then He has provided a way for me to do it well, with love and grace and joy.

I just tend to go my own merry way for a awhile before I surrender.

Its a process.

He's still working on me.

 

So instead of pouting all day yesterday, I enjoyed the rest and relaxation of being home without my boys.  It had it's own kind of loveliness. And today, on the day of our anniversary, I am nothing but thankful for my husband and my marriage.

 

 

It never ceases to amaze me how God can turn a persons heart.

That is a true miracle.

 

 



Andy & Cari's Wedding Reception from Richard Cobb on Vimeo.